Mum needs help and my hands are tied.

[Duggies-girl]

I guess it’s hopeless? I will speak someone when I go with Mum on Wednesday to the skin clinic at the hospital and I’m going to buy the wheelchair with my own money. I ‘m not allowed to go in with mum when she sees the skin specialist. She likes me to wait outside. My job is to drive her there and back to her home.

When you go with your mother to see the skin specialist, someone has to push the wheelchair into the room. Make sure it is you then just sit back unobtrusively somewhere your mum cannot see you and let it go from there. Do either you or your brother hold LPA for Health and Welfare, if you don't then announce yourself as the daughter/next of kin.

If the skin specialist is worth his/her salt they will see how unkempt and uncared for your mum is and this may trigger a safeguarding issue. Adults are allowed to be dirty and unkempt but a dirty 96 year old dementia patient presenting with skin issues on her face is not something to be ignored.

A report is always sent to the GP and I always had a copy of the reports that were sent to dads GP The report is just an outline of what happened at the consultation but all of dads reports described how he presented. A pleasant gentleman, well dressed and whether he had lost/gained weight and how his general health was.

It is very important that they see your mum in her everyday state, however dirty or smelly she is.

 

[Alora]

Thank you for your advice - I will do everything you suggest.

 

[MartinWL]

It sounds to me as if your mum doesn't have capacity and you and your brother need to agree how things will be done. A mediator might be a great help. Failing this you could ask the OPG to investigate on the grounds that your mother is being neglected when she had funds for proper care.

The threat to remove you as LPA is an empty one, only the OPG can do that and they would only do it if you had been involved in some wrongdoing.

 

[Alora]

Hi Msrtin

i was under the impression that the door of the lpa can take it away? am I wrong? i got the impression that mum wanted me removed…so I pulled back as it was only wedge I had.

im happy to try mediation or go to the opt again - anything to make sure mum is safe and well.

how do I arrange mediation?

what is the OPG? I contacted the court of protection before and they suggested mediation.

anything more you can share would be great - I’ll try anything but I’m risking losing my family over this…

 

[Alora]

Donor

 

[Banjomansmate]

It would cost money to have you removed as Attorney, is your brother really prepared to spend that? I suspect he was making an empty threat knowing you would back down. And if your Mum is lacking in capacity does she have the capacity to make that decision anyway?
Yes, let as many people as possible see the state your mother is in and point out very clearly that you have tried to access help for her but both she and your brother have refused to accept it.

 

[JanBWiltshire]

Thank you everyone. You are so kind.
mum has a diagnosis of dementia but that was a while ago. She has refused memory tests, befriending serviced ect… according to my brother.

if my brother was more supportive of help it would be so much easier but I think he’s either in denial or doesnt want to spend money.

he was very surprised when I suggested a wheelchair….so he’s out of touch or in denial.

Denial is one of the major obstacles. My father needed a wheelchair and he was so resistant to it but in the end I said I wouldn’t take him to appointments etc without it as I couldn’t really physically deal with him. He is much happier being wheeled about and it is safer. It is horrible battling someone but I suppose I just want to say you are not alone - I have felt I am going mad at times with my parents! Keep strong, you are doing your utmost in your mother’s best interests and you will always be able to rest easy about that.

 

[canary]

@Alora - I would also write a letter to the consultant prior to the skin appointment saying that you are very concerned about her, she and your brother are refusing help, she is being left in a dirty unkempt state and you think this may be the cause of her skin condition. Hand this letter over to doctor or receptionist prior to the appointment. That way the letter will be read by the doctor and you wont have the embarrassment of trying to explain things in front of your mum and there will also be a paper trail (harder to ignore). As has been suggested - go in with your mum when she sees the doctor and tell them that you are her daughter.

Edit to ad that I had a similar problem in that mum refused all help (she fired her cleaner and wouldnt let the carers over her doorstep). She also thought I was stealing from her. Its a very common thing. Mum only got help once she ended up in hospital - hospitals are generally quite hot on safeguarding issues once they have been identified.

 

[Alora]

Thank you all - I will do as you suggest.

 

[MartinWL]

Hi Msrtin

i was under the impression that the door of the lpa can take it away? am I wrong? i got the impression that mum wanted me removed…so I pulled back as it was only wedge I had.

im happy to try mediation or go to the opt again - anything to make sure mum is safe and well.

how do I arrange mediation?

what is the OPG? I contacted the court of protection before and they suggested mediation.

anything more you can share would be great - I’ll try anything but I’m risking losing my family over this…

Yes the donor (your mum) could scrap the power of attorney and make a new one. But only if she had mental capacity for that decision. You would be able to object on the grounds that she lacked mental capacity for the decision to revoke the LPA. The Office of the Public Guardian ( OPG) makes the decision. Ultimately you could take the issue to the Court of Protection.

Hopefully someone else will know how best to find a mediator, I don't know about that.

 

[lollyc]

Yes the donor (your mum) could scrap the power of attorney and make a new one. But only if she had mental capacity for that decision. You would be able to object on the grounds that she lacked mental capacity for the decision to revoke the LPA. The Office of the Public Guardian ( OPG) makes the decision. Ultimately you could take the issue to the Court of Protection.

Hopefully someone else will know how best to find a mediator, I don't know about that.

Like @MartinWL I suspect your brother is bluffing in his threat to remove your LPA. Your Mum clearly no longer has capacity to change her decision, and when LPA was arranged she was agreeable to you having a role. What is to stop you applying to her bank to have access to her accounts? If the LPA is jointly and severally you can make decisions independently and don't need to consult with your brother. Obviously in an ideal world you would both act in agreement, but ultimately the purpose of LPA is to act in the best interests of your mother - which is having carers etc..... and a wheelchair.

 

[Alora]

Hello Lolly

sadly my brother has all the accounts on spreadsheets which he shows to me once a year. I don’t see any bank accounts and have not been given access. I have to ask him to arrange payments on behalf of mum and he can say ‘no’. I know, it’s a stupid situation and I let it happen. I don’t know whom mum banks with. I know nothing about her finances and all mum gets is the odd bank statement. £400,000 in cash is stashed away in bs accounts in mum’s name. My brother has said to me that he runs her accounts as my late father would have.

I have challenged him and it lead to very bad feeling with mum accusing me of wanting to take her money.

ill pay for the wheelchair for tomorrow’s appointment and ask mum to agree for me to ask my brother for payment.

 

[Alora]

Thank you for your advice Martin,

 

[Violet Jane]

I’m afraid that I find it a bit suspicious that you have not ever seen any actual bank statements. The spread sheets could be pure fiction. If your mother really has £400,000 then she has plenty of money to pay for care, repairs and a wheelchair.

I agree with canary’s advice about writing to the consultant along the lines suggested. I think that this is likely to trigger a safeguarding referral. I can’t say whether your mother has lost capacity to make decisions about care and her finances. If she still has capacity then there’s little that SS and you can do.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

It's easy for us to make 'helpful' suggestions but family dynamics can be incredibly complex and difficult to change. As long as your brother has your mother's ear and is able to manipulate her so she agrees with whatever he says, you are pretty much scuppered unless you make a Big Fuss, which might result in a permanent rift.

Your brother is a bully and is trying to control everything. Obviously he thinks you should not be joint LPA. Mine was the same and tried to insist on keeping mum's finances secret on the grounds he had 'promised both mum and dad he would never discuss their finances with me'. That was BS! Mum disliked him and had always been open with her finances - she'd show me statements, her will, etc, every time I visited. Brother didn't visit so only got involved when I moved mum to a care home. Besides, mum had made us joint PoA and brother's opinion does not trump the legalities! In the end, I had to make the Big Fuss to get to see the money situation - threatened to report him to the Office of the Public Guardian and get him removed as LPA for acting illegally. The threat worked and I'm pleased to say he was compliant/co-operative after that.

But I have never got on with my borther and so there was no relationship to lose. You are very keen to keep things going with your brother and your mum so I can easily understand your reluctance to 'rock the boat'. However, he can't have you removed as LPA. Your mother does not have capacity and besides, you haven't been involved with the money at all so he'd have no grounds - they only remove LPAs who are acting wrongly. (So you would have grounds for his removal (i.e. he isn't acting in your mother's best interests) but he doesn't.)

But things can't continue like this and your mum is only going to get worse. She may not accept help now but she WILL need carers sooner or later. (Needs them now!) I'm afraid I'm also somewhat suspicious about your brother's motives. Why on earth would he not want your mum properly looked after? There is no excuse. As your mum would be self-funding, I can't help wondering if this is about money. Paying for carers would soon start to make a dent on that 400G. Is he hoping that without help, she will just die, and sooner rather than later? I know that's a terrible thing to imagine but is it possible? I don't know how long your mum is likely to live, but if SS got involved and decided she needed 24/7 care, they might move her to a care home 'in her best interests' because she was refusing help at home. That would cost at least 50G per year and maybe your brother has his eye on that money.

Sorry if my comments have caused offence - obviously I don't know you or your brother but from what you've said, it would seem he has ulterior motives and clearly isn't putting your mum's welfare first.

 

[Violet Jane]

Agree with everything you say, Jaded’n’Faded. That’s why it would be better to deal with this in the roundabout way suggested by canary whereby SS will get involved via a referral by the doctor.

 

[Alora]

Hello again and thanks so much for your help,

ive written a long letter to the dermatologists/consultant along the lines of what ive said here. I’m um and ahing about making an appointment with the firm of solicitors whom mum used to make us lpas. They may able to advise me legally what I can and cannot do. Do Solicitors need to know if there is a diagnosis of dementia?

I rang mum about the wheelchair for tomorrow. She’d forgotten the appointment and is convinced that she can walk…she’s not been out of her home for 3 years or worn shoes. I may have to take in her carpet slippers. The wheelchair was refused point blank This has put me under so pressure tbh. I can’t drop her off as she’d wander off but I’m faced walking her from the car park to the clinic. we’ve agreed that she’ll try to walk and if it’s struggle she’ll agree to a wheelchair next time. It’s all in the ‘moment’ with the elderly and again Ive achieved nothing.

ive researched the OPG and there is a form to be completed by a Solicitor that can remove an lpa at the donor’s wish. The silver bullet is the mental capacity and as mum hasn’t been tested I could risk losing the lpa. My brother would strike immediately because he would have a free hand to spend the money as he wanted.

ive never seen mum’s will but according my brother there is one.

i know a social worker and I got talking to her about my mum and she advised that social care go by evidence only. She suggested that I document everything and build case over weeks and months as evidence. The state of mum’s house, herself, everything - including my brother’s behaviour.

 

[canary]

Its probably too late now, but if in future you need a wheelchair you can borrow one from the Red Cross. You do have to pay, but its reasonable and if its important it is much more doable. I did this before I bought a wheelchair for mum

Rent or hire a wheelchair | British Red Cross

Hire a wheelchair near you from the Red Cross. Available across the UK, wheelchair hire includes bariatric, transit, or self-propelled chairs and accessories.

www.redcross.org.uk

 

[Alora]

Thank you! I’ve just ordered one for a week from the Red Cross as you suggested.

at least it’s in the back of my car.

I feel better already ?

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

I believe you can rent wheelchairs - you don't have to buy one. Has he said why he's refused it? Does he fall back on the excuse of 'it's not what mum wants'? If so, he really doesn't have a clue about dementia. Does he not care if she falls?

Or you could employ an independent social worker to go and assess your mum, both to get a proper idea of her needs now and also to assess her capacity. Don't tell your brother - just send him the bill. It would not look good if he went against the express advice of a social worker - saying your mum doesn't want carers will not cut it. As PoA he is responsible for acting in her best interests and he isn't.

I think it would be worth a trip to see your mum's solicitor, not least because he/she will probably know about any will she made. Take your PoA documents and explain what's going on with your brother, how he's denying you access and ask what you can do about it. Again, I'm afraid I am getting suspicious. Your brother seems determined not to spend any of your mum's money and I'm wondering if he got her to change her will (in his favour) too. In which case he could get the lot and you could get nothing. (Even if your mum went into full time care for the rest of her life there would probably still be monies left.) The reason for these thoughts is that when you last got into an argument about LPAs, etc, he seemed to have convinced your mum that you were stealing her money, or at least he didn't put her straight that you weren't. (How could you as you don't have any access!) Ask to see the will. Depending on who is executor(s) you probably have as much right to see it as he does. If he refuses, be very suspicious. If he has got her to change it, that could be another reason he doesn't want SS involved as they could deem her as not having capacity which could invalidate any new will. But honestly, if he's happy to let your mum believe you are stealing from her, you have to seriously question what he's up to. He's behaving very badly and there must be a reason for it.

The social worker has given you very good advice. Keep a journal of all that happens and what your brother does. Note if your mum is dirty when you visit and the house too.