Mum needs help and my hands are tied.

[lollyc]

SS financial assessment will mean that someone - brother - will have to disclose what money your mum has. You can refuse, but they will assume you're self-funding, and won't give any help - at least that's the impression I got from the forms I was given.

Your brother could not easily have got your POA revoked, what ever he says. You could hardly be accused of misusing it - chance would be a fine thing! Your mother herself would've had to revoke it, and I imagine that would involve a discussion without anyone else present. A solicitor would need to be assured that she was capable of making, and understanding the implications of, that decision, and that she wasn't being coerced into it - your comment "Mum would have agreed to anything her son suggested" - says it all.
As I have said before, your mother was happy for you to be an attorney at the time it was completed. I know you say now that your mum doesn't trust you, but I can't help feeling this is the dementia talking, rather than her true feelings. Her current suspicions / distrust seem to be fuelled by your brother, rather than direct from her.
I am sure there are many families where one attorney wants another removed, simply because they want control - that in itself is not justification to revoke.
I can only assume he thinks you're going to bottle it at the last minute, and won't pursue the OPG investigation. I really have no idea why he is refusing to co-operate, if he hasn't done anything wrong.

Although far from ideal, at least your mum is getting some foods that she can open and eat. Something is better than nothing, but she must have a hot meal once a day. You will need to be inventive in working out how she will accept someone in to do this. Covid may be a blight on our lives, but it's a very good excuse for a free government incentive to "keep elderly people people safe at home", "provide assessments for new carers", "provide employment for those who have lost their jobs" - or whatever scenario she would go with. Don't mention that she's paying for it, she doesn't need to know!

No. not out of the woods, but you are getting nearer the open ground. Hold your course.

 

[Sarasa]

The electrics sound worrying. My mum's dishwasher became faulty and started tripping the electrics in her kitchen. At least she noticed and I could talk her through re-setting the fuse. Did you look to see if it was the fuse? It sounds as if the place needs checking over by a qualified electrician and I am worried by your mum ending up with not only no hot drinks or food but no heating either. Worth flagging up with the SS safeguarding team now.
Glad OPG are being helpful. Is there anyway your brother and you can meet up and he can give you the bank account details? That would save worries about passwords etc.
It's a tough time, but you are doing amazingly, just keep on pushing for the best for your mother.

 

[nellbelles]

I echo the previous post reference the electrics you need an electrician to check the house no heating or lighting could be dangerous.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

I'm hoping your mum doesn't decide to fix the electrics herself...

 

[Duggies-girl]

@Alora I hope you have sorted out your mums electrics, it would be awful for an elderly person to cope alone without power at any time but with the awful weather we are experiencing it would be dangerous.

When we had the Beast from the East I had to move in with dad and his boiler packed up. I found out that it was because the overflow pipe had frozen up outside so I poured some hot water over it and it was fine from then on. My sibling who lived round the corner from dad phoned dad and said he couldn't get round because his dog had had a tooth out (No I couldn't figure that one out either) He had no idea that I had moved in with dad but he still couldn't be bothered t check on him. I was at dads for over a week and not a sight of anyone else.

I hope that you have informed your brother of the situation. It must be very worrying for you.

 

[Alora]

Hi there!

no worries about the electrics - I got an electrican out Monday and all fixed— just got to get £60.00 off my brother - which will be my lead in about mum’s accounts. The investigator wants me to try one more time before he writes to my brother. It’s worked out well for me - it’s sad that Mum had to be without electrics as proof to the social worker. The sw is coming tomorrow and I’m meeting her at mum’s. The meeting is going to be low key - no tests but finding out how mum feels about things which is central to everything. The sw thought someone coming in every day to check up which is fantastic. I’ve wanted this for 5 years for Mum - since I first came to tp in June 2015. I know it’s going to be hard for her but I’m hoping she’ll get used to it. Canary was one the first people I spoke to!

The sw said that they are contacting my brother about funds but I doubt whether he’ll be at the meeting.

It would be wonderful to have some of her money to spend on mum though. New hoover, teatowels - a new nightie, new jumper, chiropodist….

 

[nita]

Hi there!

no worries about the electrics - I got an electrican out Monday and all fixed— just got to get £60.00 off my brother - which will be my lead in about mum’s accounts. The investigator wants me to try one more time before he writes to my brother. It’s worked out well for me - it’s sad that Mum had to be without electrics as proof to the social worker. The sw is coming tomorrow and I’m meeting her at mum’s. The meeting is going to be low key - no tests but finding out how mum feels about things which is central to everything. The sw thought someone coming in every day to check up which is fantastic. I’ve wanted this for 5 years for Mum - since I first came to tp in June 2015. I know it’s going to be hard for her but I’m hoping she’ll get used to it. Canary was one the first people I spoke to!

The sw said that they are contacting my brother about funds but I doubt whether he’ll be at the meeting.

It would be wonderful to have some of her money to spend on mum though. New hoover, teatowels - a new nightie, new jumper, chiropodist….

I would just say that this isn't really the point. Your Mum will probably deny that anything is wrong and that she doesn't need any help, due to her dementia. Please get the social worker on your own and explain the whole situation. Hopefully the place will be in a bit of a mess and you can direct the SW to the areas of neglect. Your mother cannot use the microwave, she is not getting hot meals. Also, mention the diagnosis of non-capacity!

 

[Alora]

Thank you - I’ve written a few things down, Thats really helpful. I’d already emailed sw with my concerns but you’re right I will emphasise that she’s not eating, alone, isolated. . I know the fridge needs a clean as the electrician said the electrics have been off for a while. I guess I’ve got used seeing mum struggle over the years. I’ve messaged socisl care about 5 or 6 times over the plast few years so there must be a lot of stuff on her file. It must be pretty obvious that mum‘s not coping but not to the sw. ill make it as clear possible.

 

[Starting on a journey]

So, had you not visited how long would your mum been sitting in the dark? She obviously didn’t understand to pick up the phone and tell someone! No hot drinks, no hot food, what if it affected heating? We are in the winter!
Just remember to tell the social worker that because of commitments you can’t come every day and that’s why she needs someone to come in!!

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @Alora, I hope it all goes well with the social worker. Yes your mum's money needs to be spent on her and some nice new clothes would be lovely. I think she is beyond things to make her living arrangements better though and she'd really be better off in a care home where she's have company and people ensuring she is eating, bathing etc.
I know that's not what she or your brother wants, but in the end it is what your mum needs that is important.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

I also think that the sooner she moves to a CH the better. It would very much limit your brother's influence for one thing.

The important thing now is to convince the SW that despite anything your mum might say, her circumstances show very clearly that she has lost capacity as she no longer understands her own safety and care needs.

We all have fingers crossed for you.

 

[Duggies-girl]

I agree with the others, you have really got to make it clear to the SW that your mother is on her own with no help and that you cannot be available to pop in on a regular basis. Tell her that your mum was living with no electric and would have gone on like that because she is incapable of complaining to anyone. I also think she would be better of in a care home with people around her all the time as she sounds quite a sociable person and whatever she may say she seems to enjoy your visits.

I really would not be surprised if your brother suddenly turns up tomorrow early for a quick clean up.

Good luck for tomorrow, you have done well to get this far so keep on at it. I am sure that your mum would be grateful if she only knew.

 

[Violet Jane]

Write down what you want to say using bullet points.

The top point is that your mother lives on her own in a remote area and has nobody popping in to check up on her.

Next, your mother clearly can’t cope on her own. Egs:
•she can’t heat up meals
• she was unaware that her electrics had stopped working
• she can’t summon help if she falls

 

[Alora]

Hi everyone

just to let you know it all went well.

The social worker knew exactly when to step in and support me but emphasised mum’s need for independence. Mum accepted my suggestions to stop me worrying. Whatever I asked for from Mum the sw supported me.

The first thing the sw said was how isolated mum’s home was.

Mum has agreed to try meals on wheels once a week, a cleaner once a week, the social worker is going to find out about a call service fitted by an electrician so that Iif mum‘s electrics fail so I can get an electrician out quickly. and a buzzer (careline) so she can call me for help. The cleaner is disguised as a rubbish collector because Mum’s rubbish builds up in her kitchen and attracts mice.

Mum would not accept a cleaner but happy for her bins to be emptied.

From where were It’s a great start.

Mum’s reward was her favourite fish and chips.

I’ve now got to tackle my brother.

Thsnk you for your kind thoughts.

Alora xx

 

[Sarasa]

That sounds a good start, but probably not enough to really help your mum. However with more people coming in there will be more input into how much help your mum really needs.

 

[Bod]

Slowly, slowly, catche monkey.
Finding help that is accepted, is a great relief.
Well done that girl!

Bod.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

Your brother will look rather silly if he continues to say, 'mum doesn't want carers, etc' now.

It's a solid foundation for change and I hope it gives you confidence when it comes to tackling your brother.

You deserve a really big treat!

 

[canary]

You have overcome the first hurdle. There will be others - especially if your brother talks to her and she changes her mind! The main thing is to try and get this implemented as soon as possible before she decides that she doesnt want anyone. Dont keep reminding her that it is happening, just organise it.
Once it starts happening and your mum gets used to people coming you can then start increasing the number of visits (eg hot meal delivered every day rather than once a week) and add others once they become necessary.

 

[Alora]

Thank you so much - I couldn’t have got this far on my own though!

My goal is care home eventually for Mum but baby steps for now. and It’s like catching a wild deer.

I’m a very determined person but always I play the long game.

The biggest hurdle is money, having access to it , my brother holds all the cards and he knows it. I need access to `mum’s accounts to file my poa and get things set up. It will not work If I have to go to through him because if I wanted to increase the care he’d say as always - ’have you spoken to mum?’ That’s always been my brother‘s trump card.

This will not work if I have to involve my brother. He has to be kept out. He was not invited today for a reason.

I intend to send him an email - no conversations - I need a record to show the investigator. The OPG is my trump card.
I have to ask for access to all of mum’s accounts and I’m giving him until Friday because I need to set things up quickly. If I don’t get a response I’ll tell the investigator and (I think) that triggers the investigation.

I still have to find the bank accounts for funds and the investigator said I had to phone all the banks with my poa.

 

[Alora]

i regret agreeing to letting my brother look after mum’s money in 2014 but I trusted him.