• All threads and posts regarding Coronavirus COVID-19 can be found in our area specifically for Coronavirus COVID-19 discussion.

    You can directly access this area >here<.

Mum needs help and my hands are tied.

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
16,776
0
South coast
Capacity can be a slippery thing @Alora - it isnt an all or nothing thing. You have to take each decision individually. However, if she is unable to consent to treatment due to loss of capacity, then there will be many, many other things that she will not have the capacity to decide. When mum had a cataract removed she still had the capacity to consent, even though she had no capacity to manage her finances or arrange a POA (I had deputyship on that basis) and she had no capacity to decide where she lived (she was in a care home with a DoLS)
 

Alora

Registered User
Oct 16, 2021
205
0
Good morning.

I hope you are all keeping well and enjoying your weekend.

im feeling very nervous as the OPG have told me that they are going ahead with their investigations into my bother’s handling of mum’s financial affairs.

This is such a stressful time.

I have done a safeguarding referral to Adult Social Care because Mum’s GP can’t do any more after having spoken to her on the phone with Mum saying she’s fine and doesn’t need help. The GP was very sympathetic and suggested I do a referral.

I’ve been calling in at Mum’s dropping meals off to her when she’s been asleep in the afternoons.

i tell myself I’m doing this for Mum.

I’ve not heard from Social Care yet.
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
4,181
0
I can understand why you are apprehensive, but you're doing all the right things. If your brother has nothing to hide he should have allowed you to see the bank accounts etc. It could just be that he is just a very controlling person, but as joint attorney you have the right to see the accounts. My brother is joint attorney with me for our mother. He has been seriously ill the last couple of years so looking after mum's finances etc is all down to me. However I keep him in the loop with what I've been doing with mum's finances and he has access to her main bank account. I know he still keeps an eye on things because he texted me yesterday about something, and I'm glad he does, as it helps me feel supported in my role.
How's your mum doing at remembering to eat the meals you provide? I think it would be worth keeping a diary of what happens each time you go round to provide evidence when safeguarding to get round to seeing her.
 
Last edited:

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
3,008
0
Oh wow, well done. It is stressful and horrible but it needs to be done for our mums sake. Let's hope that your brother has not done anything untoward and that this gives him the kick up the backside he needs.

Stay strong, it won't be forever.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
16,776
0
South coast
So impressive. Its not always easy to get the OPG to investigate.
It is a step forward getting the GP to talk to you too, even if they couldnt help you
I hope SS safeguarding plays ball too
You are doing incredibly well
xx
 

Alora

Registered User
Oct 16, 2021
205
0
No it’s down to you putting up with me! I wouldn’t have got this far without your support.

I very nearly bailed at reporting to the OPG but there was no other alternative.

Yes, I’m nervous but this has been coming for sometime.

. I just cannot stand by and watch Mum’s last few years (or whatever she has left) being spent in isolation., lonely and not eating. I want her safe, warm well fed and with nice company.

Like Canary went through - Mum is suspicious and dislikes me but one day we’ll be okay together as we once were.
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
1,455
0
Well done you have done the right thing for your mother and it is right that the OPG are now investigating. That's a big step forward. Whatever it is that your brother is hiding, the OPG won't take no for an answer and they have the legal powers to insist on getting one.
 

lollyc

Registered User
Sep 9, 2020
673
0
Well done @Alora. Even if your brother has done nothing wrong, he has brought this on himself by being so unco-operative. Like @Sarasa , I primarily deal with Mum's finances, but my sister has access to a couple of accounts and, because she does online banking and I don't, she has taken over some payments etc. It works because we work as a team, and we are both on the same page about Mum's life. It's such a pity that your brother needs to be bludgeoned into seeing how this should work.

Give yourself a huge pat on the back - it is you, and you alone, that has got things to this point.
 

Alora

Registered User
Oct 16, 2021
205
0
Thank you all very much.

I’m calling into see Mum today to collect my plates - hopefully she may have eaten the two meals I’d left her.

i called in on Thursday and found the beef casserole (that I’d made her on the previous Saturday) was put in the fridge. It didn’t look very a;petising or healthy to eat so I took it away. The jacket potatoes was thrown out on her garden!

I’m keeping a diary as Saras had suggested.

This is an awful time and I have no idea what Mum is being told. I don’t discuss anything with her but she is extremely defensive and suspicious of me.
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
4,181
0
My mother was an early adopter of ordering groceries on-line, something she did for many years. When her eyesight started to fail she found using her computer difficult so I took over the ordering, but she'd tell me what she wanted. As her dementia progressed she more or less left it up to me to order for her. That was straightforward as she had mostly the same things each fortnight. Towards the end it turned into a disaster She'd forget they were coming so was out, or she decided she didn't like what I'd ordered, even though it was the things she always had, and threw them out. The last order she had really distressed her as she just couldn't cope with putting things away (I'd gone round to be there when the order came). By then I think mum was surviving on a scone and a coffee from the Marks and Spencer cafe where she went for elevenses every day. Shortly after I moved her into care.
I think unless you or someone else is there to prompt your mum things just won't get eaten.
 

lollyc

Registered User
Sep 9, 2020
673
0
I think if you do manage to sort out finances / carers then the priority will be to have someone prepare / heat up a meal, and stay with her whilst she eats it.
How does she cope with shopping deliveries? (I assume your brother orders and it gets delivered.) Is she able to identify which foods need to go in the fridge or freezer? Is she getting lots of biscuits / cakes / crisps, or are they foods that require her to cook or heat them up?
 

Violet Jane

Registered User
Aug 23, 2021
585
0
Defensiveness and suspicion can be a part of dementia. I've said it before: if your mother can't cook for herself or heat up prepared meals then she MUST have carers in to do this. This is a clear indicator that your mother lacks capacity in relation to the decision as to whether or not to have carers in. She lacks insight into her need for nutritious (and hot) meals and into her inability to prepare them. This needs to be top of the list of things that you mention to SS.
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
3,008
0
Dad would recite exactly what he had eaten that day and the day before to anyone who asked, it was exactly the same menu every day. The problem was that he was talking about what he used to eat not what he was really eating.

If you asked him what he did yesterday he would say he went to the supermarket in his car and then went for a walk in the afternoon when in fact he hadn't left his chair all day.

No insight at all into what his life was really like.
 

Violet Jane

Registered User
Aug 23, 2021
585
0
And I'm afraid that gullible social workers believe people with dementia who reassure them that they are managing.
 

Lemondrizzle

Registered User
Aug 26, 2018
207
0
And I'm afraid that gullible social workers believe people with dementia who reassure them that they are managing.
This never fails to amaze me although sadly there are social workers who let themselves be reassured because it makes their job easier.
 

Alora

Registered User
Oct 16, 2021
205
0
Good morning

I called into see Mum Sunday and she was very friendly - I even got a ‘darling’ from her! This dementia is a fickle demon I’m finding - I bet you’re all nodding your heads with a wry smile.

I don’t think mum had eaten meals i‘d left - she loathes cold food.

The food issue is major - Lolly you are so right she just asks for stuff she can eat pronto - yoghurts, biscuits, bread…. I brought her fish and chips which she adored but I couldn’t make her tea as her electrics has gone - no hob, kettle, oven or microwave and she didn’t notice.

i’ve been stressing over the OPG contacting my brother. but I had a call from the investigator last night and huge weight is off my shoulders. He says it’s an extremely delicate situation which could backfire for me. He‘s told me that I have to try my brother one more time to get him to reveal mum‘s accounts so I can register my poa with the banks.

A social worker has been allocated to mum so I have to SS to tell my concerns and ask for a financial assessment and care needs. I’ve got to arrange a referral to the local memory service via mum‘s GP - if she’ll speak to me and the big one - speaking to my brother again. So things are moving forward.

The investigator was very helpful and has given me loads of information around LPA stuff.

I told him the problem was the finances, how I’d been left out of things because I wasn’t trusted by mum and the investigator said - if that was the real problem then my POA should have been revoked but it wasn’t. I think my brother is regretting not doing it when he had the opportunity in 2020 - Mum would have agreed to anything her son suggested.

I’m not out of the woods yet.

It would be really helpful if I had an idea of what role my brother wants to play in all of this.

Thank you again for your help.

Alora
 

Violet Jane

Registered User
Aug 23, 2021
585
0
Why doesn't your mother have any electrics? Has a fuse gone or has the electricity been cut off? I assume that she still has lighting and heating. You need to tell your brother and SS about this.

Surely there can be no doubt that your mother lacks capacity in relation to the decision to have carers in. She can't prepare a hot meal for herself and is incapable of noticing when things go wrong in the house and asking for help.

Tell your brother that you have spoken to the OPG who will investigate if he won't allow you access to your mother's accounts. Give him 48 hours to give you details of ALL your mother's bank accounts.
 

Hours Away

Registered User
Jul 16, 2021
13
0
I wouldn't be comfortable emailing bank account details without password protecting the file so perhaps you could suggest he uses a suitable password, that you would both know, when you make the request again - he won't then be able to use this as the reason for not sending the info to you.