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Mum needs help and my hands are tied.

Alora

Registered User
Oct 16, 2021
205
0
Hi again

I’ve had a call from Mum‘s dr just now. She said that they’ve received my letter that I gave to the Consultant and she asked what happened at the Hospital? i explained e everything and she asked if they did a Hospital safeguarding referral? I said as far as I know yes. She said that I should make a referral myself to adult social care If I don’t hear in a few days.

The dr could not discuss anything with me due to patient confidentiality and that mum has asked that her medical records be kept private. Also there is no health and welfare poa.

The dr said that they have taken on board my concerns but I got the impression that the surgery would not do a referral. There was no talk of a socisl worker meeting or referral to mental health team although the duty paramedic told me last week that this is what would happen.

i did tell the dr about the incapacity diagnosis. She said she knew that this must be stressful for me but she could not discuss anything with me. I told her that mum had no care and that she was all on her own and that I was bringing her food because I thought she wasn’t eating.

I’m still waiting for the letter from the Consultant.

I explained that I’ve contacted social care many times and nothing happens.

it’s all very worrying.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
16,776
0
South coast
In my experience, letters from doctors can take a good two or three weeks. If you dont hear anything find out the phone number of the consultants secretary and give them a ring.
I seem to remember that you mentioned that your brother knew about the safeguarding that the hospital have initiated, in the context of there being nothing saying that she has lost capacity. This says to me that it did indeed happen. I wonder what is ongoing? If you dont hear anything it think it might be worthwhile making a formal request to Adult Safeguarding. SS has several different "arms", but they dont always talk to each other.
 

lollyc

Registered User
Sep 9, 2020
673
0
@ Alora - when your mum first visited the GP (and was referred to the hopsital), did she go on her own to the appointment, or did you or your brother go with her? Whilst the GP is obviously correct that they can't discuss your mum against her wishes, it seems as if they are being a little unyielding, if you have already sat in on an appointment.

With regard to the safeguarding, it can't hurt for you to raise a concern, in addition to whatever the hospital is hopefully doing. All grist to the mill.

Incidentally, if your mum has requested that her records be kept private, how is your brother getting the information about capacity etc.? Or is that just another bluff?

It sounds as if the GP doesn't yet have the letter from the consultant either, so don't worry to much. As @canary says, these things can take some time.
 

Alora

Registered User
Oct 16, 2021
205
0
Hi Lolly and Canary

Thdnk you you are so kind.

The GP came to Mum’s house - I made the appointment but my brother was there when he she arrived,

I suspect - perhaps paranoia that only brother has access to mum’s records not me. I’ve suspected it for a while. Either my mum hasnt been honest with me…I don’t know . I used to take her to her appointments but she never let me go in with her.

i sat in the hospital one yes. Mum hasn’t seen her gp for years just the visit to her home.

She was perfectly okay with me going to hospital with her but there must be something on her records. \

When I was with mum during her procedure one the nurses told me to leave but the consultant said I could stay.
 

Alora

Registered User
Oct 16, 2021
205
0
its really hard watching mum waste away living in a prison.

It’s really essy to be detached from your elderly parent whrn you live miles away and visit every 6 months I see mu,’s deterioration every time I see her.
 

Violet Jane

Registered User
Aug 23, 2021
585
0
It’s very odd that your brother knew about the GP’s home visit. Either your mother is sufficiently capable that she can tell your brother about appointments or there is a note on her medical records that she wants your brother to be involved in her medical care and he received a text reminder of the appointment.

If your mother is registered with online access and your brother has her password then he will be able to see her medical records, prescribed medication and appointments both past and future.
 

Alora

Registered User
Oct 16, 2021
205
0
Mum doesnt want me invloved in her financial or medical affairs perhaps I should just accept that and visit occasionally. It will be hard. Even harder knowing I’m excluded completely and not know why
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
16,776
0
South coast
I know its hard, but dont give up now. You cant change everything overnight - just keep chipping away. I suspect that your mum said a long time ago that she didnt want you to be involved in her medical and financial decisions, but she no longer has capacity. Please remember that. Your mum doesnt understand what she needs and your brother is not helping.
If your mother is registered with online access and your brother has her password then he will be able to see her medical records, prescribed medication and appointments both past and future.
Thats what i think is happening too.
Its very easy to pretend to be someone else on the internet.
 

Violet Jane

Registered User
Aug 23, 2021
585
0
Well, at my surgery you had to go in, prove your identity and obtain two registration codes in order to set up online patient access. However, once you have the registration codes I suppose that anyone can set up an account in someone else’s name and look at it or use it as s/he sees fit.
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
2,420
0
High Peak
Don't lose heart. You have the weight of the law (joint PoA) and the consultant's assessment behind you.

And let's not forget your mum's part in this: she is very old, she does have advanced dementia, she no longer has capacity and you know that she is NOT managing by herself. If anything happens to her while you're not there, no one will know - this is what you need to get across to the GP and SS.
 

lollyc

Registered User
Sep 9, 2020
673
0
Your mum chose you as an attorney for finances, when she had the capacity to make that choice. She didn't make you joint attornies, and she didn't specify that your brother had more control. She trusted you both - equally - to do the right thing with her money, if the time came. Your brother's comment about only having you as an attorney because she had to - as well as being hurtful - is rubbish. A solicitor would not appoint anyone against the wishes of a donor. POA is a legal position, with responsibilites, not a worthless piece of paper.

She chose not to appoint either of you for Health and Welfare, so she didn't want you or your brother involved in her health care, at that time. She could have chosen to give your brother access - but she didn't.
By the way, it is very easy to access the NHS records of another person, if you have their NHS number. I know - I've done it for Mum, although the information on the system is very limited. You cannot view letters etc., and my mother has no mention of dementia that I can see. I'm really not convinced your brother has seen / been given the information he is implying he has.

Your mother can give a verbal agreement for you to be present at an appointment, and it sounds as if the hospital consultant decided to use common sense as your mum clearly didn't object to you being there.

It is your brother, not your mother who doesn't want you involved. Your mother does not have the capacity to make that decision, but does have your brother feeding her the opinions that suit him.

Please don't give up now, you have come so far and done so much. Meet with SW as you've already arranged . Manipulate the meeting as others have suggested, and believe that SW will also use their common sense and see that your mum cannot continue to live like this.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
16,776
0
South coast
By the way, it is very easy to access the NHS records of another person, if you have their NHS number. I know - I've done it for Mum, although the information on the system is very limited. You cannot view letters etc., and my mother has no mention of dementia that I can see. I'm really not convinced your brother has seen / been given the information he is implying he has.
I agree that you cant see everything, but if he has also redirected the mail and the hospital etc send copies of the GPs letters to the patient as well (our hospital does this) he would know quite a lot. He certainly knows when appointments are - hence he cleaned the house before the GP turned up and on another occasion asked Alora if she was taking her mum for the hospital appointment. Nevertheless, he probably thinks he knows more that he actually does.
 

Alora

Registered User
Oct 16, 2021
205
0
You are right Cansry about that. i

Mum’s letter for her first appointment was at mums so I organised it all but I had to call the hospital for the second one. I kept asking mum if she had a letter from the hospital and she said no. I’d called. Mum the day before to say I was coming at 1 but didnt want to wind her up too so didn’t call her the appointment day. Guess what? I get a ca;l from my brother at 11:30 am that day asking if I’m taking Mum (he hates the hospital) ? I said ‘of course I am but where is the letter as I’ll need it to sign in. ’ - he said the letter was on the table‘. I never told him I was taking her. I did think it was strange he was there that day though.

Mum’s place is much tidier tho. I think he’s coming more often.

I think my brother needs to get a life or he has something to hide,

I’m not giving up - I’ll call the consultant‘s secretsry today.
 

lollyc

Registered User
Sep 9, 2020
673
0
I agree that you cant see everything, but if he has also redirected the mail and the hospital etc send copies of the GPs letters to the patient as well (our hospital does this) he would know quite a lot. He certainly knows when appointments are - hence he cleaned the house before the GP turned up and on another occasion asked Alora if she was taking her mum for the hospital appointment. Nevertheless, he probably thinks he knows more that he actually does.
I'm sure he's redirected the mail - although whether Alora's mother was involved in the decision is debatable. However, I don't think that a consultant would have written that they were referring for safeguarding, or had doubts about capacity, in a letter that the patient would see. He's certainly getting information, but possibly not as much as he would like to imply.

Redirecting mail suggests that he has had doubts about mother's abilities for some time. That would be fine if he had her best interests at heart, but there is no evidence of that. I wonder Alora, if you hadn't seen that letter, would your mum have ever gone to the hospital? Or would it have been a case of "mum didn't want it"?
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
16,776
0
South coast
@lollyc - Our local health authority seems to have a policy of sending copies of all letters to the patient, as did the hospital in London. I have been surprised about what they are willing to write (I suppose that the GP needs to know these things) and I have had to quickly put some letters away before OH read them.

Re the redirection of mail - I can just imagine him saying "wouldnt it be better if all your bills and other mail came straight through to me so that I can make sure everything gets paid?"
 

lollyc

Registered User
Sep 9, 2020
673
0
@lollyc - Our local health authority seems to have a policy of sending copies of all letters to the patient, as did the hospital in London. I have been surprised about what they are willing to write (I suppose that the GP needs to know these things) and I have had to quickly put some letters away before OH read them.

Re the redirection of mail - I can just imagine him saying "wouldnt it be better if all your bills and other mail came straight through to me so that I can make sure everything gets paid?"
Ours seems to have a policy of not sending the patient anything at all! I've had 3 hospital visits this year - not a single follow-up letter received.

I agree about the redirection. Of course, what he should have done, is use his POA to contact all the appropriate banks / utilites etc., to deal with the finances, whilst still allowing mother to receive her general post including hospital appointments. But this is all about control.
 

Alora

Registered User
Oct 16, 2021
205
0
Good news!

One of the nurses at the last appointment made a referral to Adult Safeguarding for Mum which I’m really pleased about.

Bit of not not so good news - the Consultant did the test to decide if mum had the capacity to agree to the treatment which he decided not so I was able to sign the form on mum’s behalf. He could not write a letter stating that mum did not have capacity.

The secretary did think that sw would look at the consultant’s notes though.

So I’m a little bit vulnerable with the LPA now…possibly?
 

Alora

Registered User
Oct 16, 2021
205
0
I think you are right lolly - he hates hospitals and always left mum’s glaucoma appointments to me until it got too much. (Mum would wander off - it was so stressful and I refused to do it anymore unless mum would Co-operate and let me go in with in her.). The letter for the first appointment has been on mum’s settee for a while until I took over and organised a wheelchair.