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Mum needs help and my hands are tied.

Alora

Registered User
Oct 16, 2021
390
0
Hi everyone - thanks for that Sage advice - whst I would I do without you!

Violet my family know I’m moving back - it’s about 10 miles away but I do work as a teacher and I live on my own. It would really be too much for me to do more thsn I’m doing. which Is not much. I’m happy to help out as I’m nearer but I don‘t want to be the ‘go to’ which is what happened when I lived next door. People forget that when you’re on your own you have to do more thsn if you are a couple running a home. I also to build my dancing business up again which takes a lot of time.

I expect that’s what the sw will say that as I’m nearer I can do a lot more but I really cannot do much for mum other than sharing the housework. This is why I’m driving for some sort of care instead of mum being left marooned relying on us. I’m in my 60s (with a physical job teaching dancing) and brother is 72.

Ive dropped a couple of meals with mum and I’m interested if she uses the microwave! This was suggested by the gp’s surgery so Mum could get used to meals on wheels.

The problem is two pronged - a mother - (who is absolutely adorable - think `Julie walters ) who is paraonod about people knowing her business, likes being alone and very independent. The other is ‘you know who’ retired with plenty of time on his hands, running everything from his palatial home, complete control of a lot of money which he is reluctant to part with. Anytime I suggest anything to mum it’s dismissed out of hand and I have get the rubber stamp from brother after I’ve got the agreement from mum. It’s extremely tedious and demeaning.

I feel I’m not trusted Tbh. If I spend any money on mum I have to ask my brother for the money back and then he decides if it’s going to be paid. I got a parking ticket when I took mum to hospital I asked if half of it could be paid out of mum’s money a decision will be after the meeting with the sw. Often I just pay for things it’s easier.

Applying for AA is a hangable offence because I’ve not got permission from mum and gone behind her back, doing the smi means the same thing. There‘ll be an inquest if it comes up her bank statements! It’s not the money it’s control.

Also done a credit score with experian that may reveal some info.

im waiting for the reaction if or when the OPG contact my brother.
 

silkiest

Registered User
Feb 9, 2017
676
0
Hi @Alora, when I got a full credit report rather than just the score it showed up all my past store cards and credit cards going back many years (so long ago that I had forgotten about them)
 

Violet Jane

Registered User
Aug 23, 2021
901
0
I’m afraid that you will have to be very, very firm with everybody about your limits. Do NOT worry about what your brother, the SW or anyone else thinks; their views really do not matter. If you waver / say that you’ll think about something this will be seized on as assent.

Don’t allow your brother to guilt-trip you. He will have a very generous pension and has no responsibilities to anyone. You have the right to earn a living and have a family and a home to run. Living10 miles away is not that close. Even a once a day visit will be too much for you, day in day out, and, from what you’ve said, your mother needs someone to check up on her more than once a day.

If your mother can’t prepare any meals for herself or heat up pre-prepared meals safely then she must have carers in. As I understand it, so-called Meals on Wheels is no longer a local lady arriving every lunchtime with a hot meal but a weekly delivery of frozen meals. Now, there may be some local schemes along the lines of the old-style Meals on Wheels (and some churches run lunch clubs - or used to before Covid) but Meals on Wheels is really a bit of a misnomer when it just consists of a delivery of (factory made) frozen food.

I would write down what you are willing and REALISTICALLY ABLE to do week in week out. You won’t be able to pop in as you will be living too far away. How do you think you will feel about doing the journey in the dark or when the roads are icy / covered in snow? We are coming into the winter now and you will have weeks of dark and inclement weather ahead of you and nobody to accompany you on these journeys to and from your mother’s house.

If you agree to do something I think that you will find it very hard to pull back because your brother will put you under tremendous pressure to continue by trying to make you feel guilty. It’s in his interests to wear you down by telling you that you don’t care about your mother / would rather leave her in the hands of strangers, which she doesn’t like / have broken your promise to your mother etc etc.

You need to be really strong and keep reiterating what you can and cannot do for your mother. There is absolutely nothing wrong with getting paid carers in.
 

lollyc

Registered User
Sep 9, 2020
801
0
@Alora, you have the patience of a saint. I think if I had been told to wait for money for a parking ticket I would have had a complete meltdown, driven 2 hours and throttled him!

Do stand your ground with SW, and your brother. Make it absolutely clear what you will / will not do. It's very likely that your mum will be self-funding, so SW may not be able to dictate what you do, but I bet your brother will.
 

Moggymad

Registered User
May 12, 2017
1,068
0
When you get the time it might also be an idea to apply for blue badge for parking when you have to take your mum to appointments etc. Might help you avoid parking tickets!
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
3,357
0
Dad had a blue badge, it was wonderful. We didn't take advantage but when I took him to the seaside for lunch it was so nice to be able to park just along the road from the restaurant instead of driving around hunting for spaces and getting fed up with it all.

It was also very handy for hospital parking as they had a small car park specifically for blue badge holders, we still had to pay but it was nearer to the entrance and an easier route if you had a wheelchair.

I wonder if your brother would object to that @Alora
 

Alora

Registered User
Oct 16, 2021
390
0
hi again everyone

hipe your weekend is going well.

i dropped two roast chicken dinners yesterday to Mum’s and went today and she’d eaten both of them. I’m not sure if she heated them up though….she set fire to her last microwave but got a new one. How do I tell? This is going to be my argument for carersif she can’t prepare a meal herself. I know she doesn’t use her oven. I checked her fridge and it’s not exactly full. Just milk, grated cheese the mince pies bought her - one left out of 6. I mean my fridge is full mum’‘s had no meat or the basics like baco, meat, . Or eggs , bread, fruit or vegetables. My brother does the shopping on line and he gets when she tells him but hermemory‘s so bad it’s not working this way any more. and I think she’s not eating properly. I used to do it for mum for 6 years and I knew what she wanted but I got fed with the money arrangement.

when I got to mum’s she was fast asleep on the Settee and I was able to leave her beef casserole and jacket potatoes as the back door was open.

I’m not sure-she can make tea now either.

i understand meal deliveries are frozen and not very nice so would it be someone to come cook a meal everyday? That’s a big thing for her to accept.
 

lollyc

Registered User
Sep 9, 2020
801
0
hi again everyone

hipe your weekend is going well.

i dropped two roast chicken dinners yesterday to Mum’s and went today and she’d eaten both of them. I’m not sure if she heated them up though….she set fire to her last microwave but got a new one. How do I tell? This is going to be my argument for carersif she can’t prepare a meal herself. I know she doesn’t use her oven. I checked her fridge and it’s not exactly full. Just milk, grated cheese the mince pies bought her - one left out of 6. I mean my fridge is full mum’‘s had no meat or the basics like baco, meat, . Or eggs , bread, fruit or vegetables. My brother does the shopping on line and he gets when she tells him but hermemory‘s so bad it’s not working this way any more. and I think she’s not eating properly. I used to do it for mum for 6 years and I knew what she wanted but I got fed with the money arrangement.

when I got to mum’s she was fast asleep on the Settee and I was able to leave her beef casserole and jacket potatoes as the back door was open.

I’m not sure-she can make tea now either.

i understand meal deliveries are frozen and not very nice so would it be someone to come cook a meal everyday? That’s a big thing for her to accept.
Hi @Alora ,

Although Mum lives with me I am a shocking cook, and often buy ready meals for her (we also eat different things.)

Tesco - and other stores, I'm sure - do some very good hotpots, casseroles, fish pies etc., which Mum really likes. Most can be microwaved from frozen. I also buy tinned stews and frozen veg. I can rustle up a meal in about 10 mins, if necessary.

I do wonder whether you might be better getting a carer to prepare your Mum's lunch, and sit with her while she eats it . An hour visit would give time to heat up the meal, make her a cup of tea and give your Mum a bit of company, and probably do a bit of tidying / washing up. Perhaps they could also make a flask of tea, or soup, that she could drink later?
 

Alora

Registered User
Oct 16, 2021
390
0
That’s a good idea lolly. I’m just trying.to present a case to the sw for care. At the moment iits a battle for mum accept anyone in her home. I’ve tried frozen meals and they stay in the freezer. i won’t be abe to do meals for ever for mum but she isn’t eating,

Does it work with your mum living with you? Could she not live on her own anymore?

I’ve suggested it mum but she says she likes it where she is…
 

Up the Creek

Registered User
Sep 9, 2020
99
0
East Anglia
Is your mum still able to make herself a cup of tea? I’m thinking as proof of her ability to live on her own if when the sw arrives you suggest to your mum that she makes her visitor a cup of tea and some biscuits. Get the sw to follow her out to the kitchen to watch the progress and if your brother is there make sure he remains in his seat. Even in hostess mode making a cup of tea might be beyond your mum’s capabilities.
 

Baker17

Registered User
Mar 9, 2016
1,404
0
I’m afraid that you will have to be very, very firm with everybody about your limits. Do NOT worry about what your brother, the SW or anyone else thinks; their views really do not matter. If you waver / say that you’ll think about something this will be seized on as assent.

Don’t allow your brother to guilt-trip you. He will have a very generous pension and has no responsibilities to anyone. You have the right to earn a living and have a family and a home to run. Living10 miles away is not that close. Even a once a day visit will be too much for you, day in day out, and, from what you’ve said, your mother needs someone to check up on her more than once a day.

If your mother can’t prepare any meals for herself or heat up pre-prepared meals safely then she must have carers in. As I understand it, so-called Meals on Wheels is no longer a local lady arriving every lunchtime with a hot meal but a weekly delivery of frozen meals. Now, there may be some local schemes along the lines of the old-style Meals on Wheels (and some churches run lunch clubs - or used to before Covid) but Meals on Wheels is really a bit of a misnomer when it just consists of a delivery of (factory made) frozen food.

I would write down what you are willing and REALISTICALLY ABLE to do week in week out. You won’t be able to pop in as you will be living too far away. How do you think you will feel about doing the journey in the dark or when the roads are icy / covered in snow? We are coming into the winter now and you will have weeks of dark and inclement weather ahead of you and nobody to accompany you on these journeys to and from your mother’s house.

If you agree to do something I think that you will find it very hard to pull back because your brother will put you under tremendous pressure to continue by trying to make you feel guilty. It’s in his interests to wear you down by telling you that you don’t care about your mother / would rather leave her in the hands of strangers, which she doesn’t like / have broken your promise to your mother etc etc.

You need to be really strong and keep reiterating what you can and cannot do for your mother. There is absolutely nothing wrong with getting paid carers in.
In my area there are still meals on wheels, they deliver hot meals at lunchtime and also can deliver sandwiches for teatime at the same time, I have referred several people to this service and they all have said that the meals are excellent. I am in the north of England.
 

Banjomansmate

Registered User
Jan 13, 2019
4,182
0
Dorset
In Dorset there is no LA Meals on wheels service, the Social worker gave me a list of local, County wide, meal suppliers, I don’t remember if they were already hot or not but a local (10 mile away) cafe delivered lunches every weekday to residents in The Banjoman’s block of flats. This was just arranged between themselves I think.
 

lollyc

Registered User
Sep 9, 2020
801
0
That’s a good idea lolly. I’m just trying.to present a case to the sw for care. At the moment iits a battle for mum accept anyone in her home. I’ve tried frozen meals and they stay in the freezer. i won’t be abe to do meals for ever for mum but she isn’t eating,

Does it work with your mum living with you? Could she not live on her own anymore?

I’ve suggested it mum but she says she likes it where she is…
I wouldn't recommend it!!! Let's just say I'm glad I've only got one parent left. Mum couldn't use a phone, TV, work out how to put a key in a lock, make tea, work a microwave, oven, washing machine..... I could go on.

Perhaps someone to get her lunch is a "gentle" introduction to the idea of carers? Less invasive than someone helping with washing etc.

I've no personal experience of meals on wheels, but from what I've heard, in our area, the person is given the meal, then left to get on with it. Not ideal if PWD needs prompting.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
18,901
0
South coast
If she set fire to her previous microwave then it doesnt sound like she knows how to use one properly. It wouldnt surprise me if she ate the meals you brought round cold.
I would be inclined to tell the SW about her setting fire to her previous microwave and say that you have not seen her use her present one and suspect that she cannot.
 

Violet Jane

Registered User
Aug 23, 2021
901
0
It’s important for elderly people to drink plenty of hot drinks and eat hot food in the winter to keep warm. How warm is your mother’s house? Can she safely prepare a hot water bottle at night? Even in the 21st century elderly people are still dying from the cold / Hypothermia.

Like canary, I suspect that your mother is eating the meals that you bring her without heating them up. As I said in an earlier post, if your mother can’t heat up a meal then she must have a carer to do this. The only alternative is a hot meal delivery service if one is available in your mother’s area; you would need to research this.
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
3,357
0
I had to take over for dad when I realised that he could no longer use his hob or the microwave. He forgot he had a freezer and would just eat whatever was in the fridge or more often the biscuit tin. That's the problem, there comes a time when somebody just has to be there because the PWD just goes for the easy option, more biscuits and they forget what they have previously eaten or not eaten. Elderly people need and are entitled to a proper hot meal at least once a day and dad would swear that he had had one even if he had just had a bowl of cornflakes.
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
3,439
0
High Peak
Mum told me she'd bought a new microwave as the old one was... old. But the new one was... faulty... and exploded. I was really concerned but mum wasn't bothered and said they'd sent a replacement. Then - would you believe it, that one exploded too...

Hmmm. OK, I'm a bit slow on the uptake at times and mum was completely undiagnosed at the time. But then her fire wouldn't work and the 3 new Sky boxes were rubbish too and she couldn't get her programmes anymore... Let's not even think about her computer and where 'her internet' might have gone...

My theory is that she had 'forgotten' what a microwave was and was treating it like a mini oven. I imagine she put something in then set it for 30 mins or whatever...eeeek! It's very likely your mum is doing similar.

So - getting adequate food and drink is now a problem for your mum and additionally she is becoming dangerous. The tricky part is getting this across to the SW, so the idea of getting her to make tea while the SW is there is a good one. Also make sure you get there before your brother and take pics of the fridge contents and anything else you think might be evidence. Not eating properly is a big red flag and very much suggests she needs a carer coming in. Your dear brother MUST be made to see that she can't do things for herself now.