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Mum needs help and my hands are tied.

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
2,420
0
High Peak
Be clear about your mum's opposition to all help offered because she has lost capacity and is unable to understand her needs. Point out it's really not going to help if they go to assess your mum and just ask what she needs. Also tell them of your plans to replace her tatty stuff, get her new clothes, etc and the opposition you are getting from your brother even over these simple things.

Take some photos of mouse droppings, your mum looking a bit unkempt, etc.
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
3,008
0
@Alora I would try talking to your mum the way your brother does. Don't ask her if she wants something, instead suggest 'wouldn't it be nice mum if you had some new crockery, these are rather old and chipped and it would be lovely for you to have some nice new one's' and 'wouldn't it be lovely to have someone do a bit of cleaning, it would free up some of your time and it wouldn't cost anything'

Your brother is using the same tactics but in reverse 'yes mum, you can have new crockery, but do you really need some, the old stuff is fine and think how much it will cost'

Treat her to some smoked salmon or other luxury. Don't ask her and if she likes it say 'We'll buy that more often mum, it's not expensive'

I bet your brother doesn't live in rags with mouse droppings in the cupboard.
 

Alora

Registered User
Oct 16, 2021
205
0
these are such good ideas! I’m bringing mums ready cooked meal on Sunday - I just hope she can use the microwave - so she gets used to meals on wheels. At the moment she’s got 6 boxes of cornflakes…because she can’t remember what she has. I thinks it’s going to be difficult to prize her fingers away from her ‘independence’. Hopefully it may help with her not eating If I could get her used to meal delivery.

I just hope the sw doesn’t cave in say she’s okay as she is…I know she’s not. No 96 year year old should be living alone without a LOT of help. I think my brother is going to be there and will advocate for as little intervention as possible which will suit mum. I’m going to have to be strong and hope the sw sees the real situation.

talking about my brother…

this is funny!

I lived in a four bedroomed house next to mum as I had three children - so I was the well off one. My brother had an old car, wore old clothes and rarely holidayed abroad. We never saw his house but mum and me got the impression he lived in a small place and was very hard up. I‘m now in 1 bedroomed place for now.

Thanks to Google I’ve just found out this week that he lived for years in a 7 bedroomed home worth £900,000 and He’s now moved to a £890, 000 house in a very expensive part of England!
 

Violet Jane

Registered User
Aug 23, 2021
585
0
It will all depend on whether the SW thinks that your mother has capacity to make decisions about her living arrangements. If your mother is regarded as having capacity then all the SW can do is try to persuade your mother.

I would write down what you think your mother needs and why. Send this information to the SW in advance of the meeting if you can. Even if your mother has capacity the SW can use this information to talk to your mother.

Make it absolutely clear that your brother lives 2 hours away and only sees your mother every few weeks and so he doesn’t realise how impaired your mother is and what she needs. In particular, he doesn’t understand that it’s no longer appropriate to be guided by whatever your mother says as she no longer has insight into her limitations and needs.
 

Alora

Registered User
Oct 16, 2021
205
0
Violet

Do you know how the sw devides capacity? Mum is much better in her home than th outside. I would have thought not being able to walk, bad eyesight, poor hearing and dementia means she can‘t carry on as she is? I suppose the hurdle is what she’ll accept.

I think I need to dial down my expectations!
 

Scarlet Lady

Registered User
Apr 6, 2021
139
0
Alora, if your brother intends to be at the meeting with the SW, this is very bad news. He will undoubtedly try to control and manipulate the entire situation. The SW may not wish to take sides with people he/she hasn’t met before. If your mum goes into full ‘hosting mode’, then her real needs may not be obvious, especially if your brother backs up her ‘wishes’ and undermines you at every turn. Not every SW sees beneath the surface. Inform the SW of all your concerns ahead of time where possible and keep that consultant’s letter re capacity about you at all times.
Well done on the wording of your email to the OPG. Hopefully that may bring about a swift response.
 

Violet Jane

Registered User
Aug 23, 2021
585
0
I don’t exactly know how capacity is determined but I think that it depends on the person’s ability to understand information and retain it for long enough to make decisions having taken into account the risks of different courses of action. Lacking understanding of / insight into risks should point to a finding of incapacity, I believe.

One other thing. You mentioned earlier that you weren’t sure that your mother could still use the microwave. If she can’t then is she still using the cooker? If she can’t cook at all then she DEFINITELY needs carers going in. She can’t live on cereal and biscuits etc.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
16,776
0
South coast
Re the capacity - did you say that the consultant was sending you a letter saying that she had lost capacity? If so, do mention this to the SW. It would be even better if you had the letter to wave under the SWs nose, but I dont expect it would arrive that quickly.
 

Alora

Registered User
Oct 16, 2021
205
0
A letter is being sent to me in the post - How long it will take is anybody’s guess.

Yes it’s really bad news my brother being there at the meeting where it’s his forte. His backgroound has taught him how to get the maximum information out of people whilst getting them do what he wants. It’s amazing to watch him action.

I can only do what I can at the meeting and not expect too much - this time.

I try to stay positive but if mum goes into ‘hostess mode‘ - which she’s good at it - I can see nothing much is going to happen short term.

It will be a fall or crisis that will brings things to a head which I’ve tried so hard to avoid.
 

Alora

Registered User
Oct 16, 2021
205
0
Violet - you are clever! The meal for Sunday was a test to see if mum would be able to heat the meal up. No she doesn’t use the oven at all. I’m not sure what she eats tbh But I know if I bring her cake or buns she wolfs it down. She was starving when I took hervto the Hospital . I think she forgets to eat. She’s very thin and frail - maybe 5 stone? If the meal is still there when I next call in I’ll know.
 

lollyc

Registered User
Sep 9, 2020
673
0
@Alora, a tactic I found which sometimes worked with my Mum, was to insist (not ask!) that she always gave something a go, rather than dismissing it out of hand, without trying.
For example, you culd try : "Mum, I've arranged for someone to be bring you lunch everyday. " If she objects, "We'll give it a try for a week, and see how it goes. " (of course, you don't ask her what she thinks after a week...) If she still objects. "You can't say you don't like something you haven't tried." - a phrase Mum often used with us kids!
If Mum obviously really didn't like something - Daycare was "just bingo & jigsaws", Dementia charity singing was "wheels on the bus" - then we stopped it.
It's not foolproof, but it did get her to do to some things - and enjoy them - when she was initially very reluctant.
 

Alora

Registered User
Oct 16, 2021
205
0
Thank you Lolly.

i rang the council and they offer a reduction in council tax - Severe Mental Impairment. I just do the form online, the dr is contacted for confirmation and that’s it. No poa needed.

Hoping the letter from Consultant arrives soon.

Alora x
 

LoveYouMum

New member
Oct 13, 2021
9
0
If you have LPA and you have registered it with the bank, why don't you look at your mum’s bank account on line. I can understand that you wouldn't feel able to use it to make payments but at least you could view the statements regularly.
 

Alora

Registered User
Oct 16, 2021
205
0
Hi LoveYouMum

Thank you for that suggestion. if only that were possible I would I’d have done it years ago.

My brother runs all of Mum’s accounts and tells me that he will not give me any bank details because it’s not what our mum wants.

In view of the large amount of mum’s savings I’m getting worried so I’m having to track down the accounts myself.

Alora
 

Violet Jane

Registered User
Aug 23, 2021
585
0
A couple more things.

First, try to avoid letting your brother and the SW know that you are moving nearer to your mother as they will see this as a solution to your mother’s care needs. Your brother will be delighted as it will mean saving the cost of visiting carers and the SW will see this as a satisfactory resolution to a family dispute which won’t involve him/her having to take on your brother.

Secondly, try to keep the focus on matters which cannot easily be disputed. E.g:
• Can your mother cook / use the microwave? No.
• What is your mother living on? Biscuits, cakes etc.
• Is your mother severely underweight? Yes (find an old photograph of her at her normal weight if you can to show the SW).
• Is your mother at risk of falling? Yes.
• Can your mother get up or summon help when she has fallen? No.

Even if your mother is found to capacity the SW can still try to persuade your mother and your brother that your mother needs care / help and if s/he is convinced that your mother cannot live safely and in dignity without help she should try very hard to do so. I was present when my elderly friend was visited by a SW who wanted her to have two care visits a day. My friend wasn’t keen and we went over the same ground repeatedly but eventually she agreed. The meeting took about an hour and a half. My friend’s capacity wasn’t assessed on that occasion but there was nobody disputing her need for carers. In fact, my husband (her financial attorney) and I were determined that she should have carers as we were not prepared to provide personal care / be permanently ‘on call’ / be running around doing things for her. As it turned out, even with a care package we still ended up doing a lot as the remit of visiting carers is quite limited (personal care, meal preparation and a bit of cleaning) and there is so much else involved in running someone else’s house, life and health admin - plus his/her financial affairs.
 

lollyc

Registered User
Sep 9, 2020
673
0
Thank you Lolly.

i rang the council and they offer a reduction in council tax - Severe Mental Impairment. I just do the form online, the dr is contacted for confirmation and that’s it. No poa needed.

Hoping the letter from Consultant arrives soon.

Alora x
Chalk that up as another success! And a few more pounds in mum's coffers. Your brother really can't object to that, surely?
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
3,008
0
Thank you Lolly.

i rang the council and they offer a reduction in council tax - Severe Mental Impairment. I just do the form online, the dr is contacted for confirmation and that’s it. No poa needed.

Hoping the letter from Consultant arrives soon.

Alora x
Dad got an exemption from council tax for having SMI. Nothing to pay at all. He did have to be living alone and in receipt of DLA or AA which he was.
 

Violet Jane

Registered User
Aug 23, 2021
585
0
I’m not sure that you actually have to be receiving AA (or DLA). The precise requirements seem to vary from Council to Council.
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
3,008
0
I am sure that I have read that sometimes it can be backdated to diagnosis and that some people have received quite large sums. Unfortunately they would not backdate dads and I was not up for a fight back then but it may be worth a try