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Mum needs help and my hands are tied.

lollyc

Registered User
Sep 9, 2020
593
0
Well done.

Once you've identified her accounts you can regsiter for POA on some / all - as you think necessary. You shouldn't need to open a new account for AA, as long as it's paid into an account you can access. It probably makes sense to pay it into the same one as her pension.

Keep the faith. Like @Jaded'n'faded , I wonder if your brother won't decide to simply walk away once you get all the information together. Don't worry, you can do this.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
16,138
0
South coast
I am constantly amazed at how much you have done and how you keep going. Is this really the same person who started this thread?

Next time you feel down, go back and read the first page of this thread and see how much you have achieved.
 

Hours Away

New member
Jul 16, 2021
7
0
In terms of your question re DWP I think the only time I sent them a certified copy of the POA was with the AA claim. Following that the annual pension increase letter seems to have been automatically sent directly to me personally at my address, alongside the AA correspondence.

I have a vague recollection, pre the AA claim, of speaking to the Pension Service over the phone in the presence of the PWD to change their pension bank account details when we switched banks, but not 100% about this.

One tip I think that's been mentioned elsewhere is to put something like a coloured post it sticker (with an appropriate message making it clear it needs to be sent back to you promptly) on any certified POA you send in the post to reduce the risk of it not being returned.
 

Scarlet Lady

Registered User
Apr 6, 2021
104
0
Well done, Alora. Great progress made. All this would be so much easier if your brother would just give you even basic information. You do need your mum’s NI no for the AA forms and it’s a pity that you have to go to the bother of providing a copy of the LPA to HMRC simply because your brother refuses to provide you with a bank statement showing this information. I presume that your mother’s pensions and benefits are paid into a current account that your brother knows about, but you don’t. It will be much easier for DWP to pay any AA into this account, although it’s not imperative that this should happen. It just makes it harder for you, that’s all. As for DWP wanting another copy of the LPA, they may have lost the first one. Par for the course, I’m afraid!
I do wonder what your brother might say if you were to tell him that you need certain info such as an NI no and current account details so that AA could be paid to your mother. Surely he isn’t going to refuse money coming in on the grounds that ‘Mum doesn’t want it’ ?
 

Alora

Registered User
Oct 16, 2021
159
0
Scarlet Lady - yes he would!

you may not seen the earlier post but I completed all the aa forms in 2015 but was hesitant over the alzheimears diagnosis. I rang my brother he told me it would be a problem as I was going behind mum’s back. if I went ahead it come up on the bank statements and mum would be cross. So I didn’t do the claim!

Pathetic I know - but I’m a produvt of an abusive environment. As much as love my mum she never protected me. My brother uses the same tactics but if I feel I’m not alone I can fight any sort of demon. This forum has been my saviour.

Thanks hours away great advice,
 

Scarlet Lady

Registered User
Apr 6, 2021
104
0
Well, I can understand that back in 2015, your mum may well still have had capacity and might have been resistant to state benefits, even if she was entitled to them. However, your brother certainly doesn’t sound stupid and he seems so money oriented that I’d be surprised that he would turn down something to which she is entitled: particularly when ‘Mum Doesn’t want it’ means ‘I don’t want it’. Why wouldn’t he want it?
It wouldn’t surprise me if there is already an ongoing AA claim that you know nothing about, especially if DWP are asking for another copy of the LPA. They could be just as confused as you are, ! I hope I’m wrong, here.
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
1,284
0
A free points.
Your mum does want you to be involved in her financial affairs. She signed s formal legal document to that affect when she made the POA. That was a clear decision that has not been revoked.

The detective work with utility companies etc might work but you will have to register the POA with them before they will share information with you.

I don't think you need to have evidence of wrongdoing before going to the OPG. Or rather, the concealment of financial information is wrongdoing in itself. It is also reasonable grounds to suspect wrongdoing. Those are the points to make to the OPG. I would persue the detective work as well as demanding an OPG investigation.
 

Alora

Registered User
Oct 16, 2021
159
0
Scarlet Lady

I know it’s hard to understand this situation.

My brother will NOT do anything without mum‘s agreement - even hiring a wheelchair - which kicked this thread off.

For many years everything had to have mum’s agreement and as my brother runs the finsnces I had to get permission from mum and then go to my brother. He would say ‘have you spoken to Mum? If it was a yes he’d pay for it. I knew that I had to get Mum’s signature to the form for aa and if she saw any illness she would not sign it. i Could have done it without a signature but as my brother used to show her bank statements and I needed her bank details
he would not agree to anything without Mum’s agreement so I gave up. i think the attitude is Mum has enough money and doesn’t want anyone to know her business.

Now there a lack of capacity diagnosis it’s rather thrown the cat amongst the pigeons and I can break the dead lock of many years. Of course my mum and brother like the arrangement but Mum’s health is failing and I’m exerting my legal right. My brother cannot handle the loss of control over a lot of money he has enjoyed for many years.

I‘m still not sure of my brother’s motives he’s either being the model son (except he can leave her for months in my care) or he has something to hide.….

I’ve had yet another email from him tonight nogoiating how to run things if mum has care in place but always with the. provision of what mum agrees. It’s ridiculous she’s 96 and cannot remember her adress, what day it is. I’ve made clear I will not give up on the finances issue.

I’ve suggested that he learnt about dementia but it’s all about what Mum wants not what’s best for her.

I just hope the social worker can deal with him.
 

lollyc

Registered User
Sep 9, 2020
593
0
Your brother really doesn't get dementia, does he? He doesn't seem to understand that your mother will never agree to anything, because she has lost capacity. Asking her about everything achieves nothing, and she can't remember what has been said. The point of POA is that you can make decisions in her best interests, without her consent. She is probably going to be reluctant to accept carers, but if your brother is constantly dripping " only if you want it, Mum" , it will be so much more difficult.
I'm assuming that he is controlling the payment of utility bills, council tax, food bills etc. How does he justify that, if he believes your mum still has capacity?

I hope SW puts him straight.

And a model son does not allow his mother to live in shabby clothes, with ancient crockery and tatty tea towels, whilst she apparently has £400k in the bank (well, hopefully....).
 

Alora

Registered User
Oct 16, 2021
159
0
No he does not Lolly.

I will contact the OPG tomorrow for advice - better sooner - if they are slow.
 

Violet Jane

Registered User
Aug 23, 2021
409
0
The starting point is that your mother is unkempt and living in a dirty house without any support; she is not coping and is at risk. It’s baffling that your brother cannot see how unacceptable this is. He should be ashamed that his mother is living like this and that he is making no attempt to improve the situation. There are various explanations for his behaviour, the most generous of which is that he genuinely believes that his mother’s wishes should take precedence over everything else, regardless of her cognition; this shows a profound misunderstanding of the nature of dementia. Personally, given your brother’s evasiveness and hostility to reasonable enquiries about her finances, I’m inclined to believe that this does not explain your brother’s behaviour and that he is more interested in your mother’s money than her welfare.
 

Alora

Registered User
Oct 16, 2021
159
0
I’ve thought this fir a while Violet.

There’s so much that could have been done for her - new kitchen, a new carpet, new bed, new bathrooms. So much. If it had been me I’d had a field day! I’d taken her cruises, weekends away, possibly sold her bungalow bought a place together. We’d had meals out .

.it was not to be.

He got involved when she couldn’t’ cope around 2014 - she’d been widowed 2 years and was finding her freedom. By 2015/2016 her debit card had been stopped and she had no cash. I didn’t get involved too much but I did a lot of other support. =…shopping, days out, gardening, meals at mine, holidays,

We knew she was very forgetful but there were times when she wanted to buy presents but had no money so my daughters bought their own Xmas presents from mum to give to them. It was then I thought this is so wrong. what could I do? I’d ring my brother up and he’d send her cash. She would complain that he had all her money.

Things came to a head in 2020 when Mum complained again about having no money. Her home was scruffy and she needed new stuff. I took my brother on and we had an almighty email and phone row it got really nasty.

I never spoke to mum about it.

A family meeting was called at mums home By him. The place was clean and so was mum. I was ready to fight for her.

My brother announced that I wanted to take mum’s money away but all I wanted was a change of roles - I’d do the fiancés, repairs ect and he’d do the shopping and domestic. Mum accused me of wanting stealing her money. I was mortified. It went downhill after that. My brother had called a solicitor to come to her home. My brother ran the whole thing. I had a really bad feeling that I was being removed or being set up.

i never trusted him again.

I backed down , sold my house moved away hoping that he would take care of mum. It never happened. When I came back to see mum she was neglected and alone. So I decided to come back home. I should be moved in by Christmas.

I am the one person that stands in my brother’s way to get what it is he wants.

The capacity diagnosis has changed everything.
 

Scarlet Lady

Registered User
Apr 6, 2021
104
0
I feel that we are here on the forum to help where we can in a practical way and provide as much emotional support and understanding as we possibly can. But I won’t pretend to understand the family dynamics here, Alora. I struggle to believe that a 70 plus man ( I think that’s what you said?) with a professional career behind him is still so in thrall to his 96 year old mother that he genuinely believes she is still in control of her life and he must bend to her every wish, even when he has medical evidence to show that is no longer the case. Your mum has seemingly not really been in control for years now and perhaps you and your brother have both been victims of her capriciousness.
That said, the key to this whole situation lies in finance. Yes, it’s great that you’re making strides towards sorting out her care situation, but so much rests on how much money she actually has and until you know that, you have no idea how her care needs will be paid for, going forward. I think @MartinWL is right. You can bat this back and forwards with your brother till you’re blue in the face and he’ll do nothing. You need to go to the OPG now. A case review will take time, but hopefully an email asking for advice might get a quick response. You could then forward that to your brother which might give him pause for thought.
 

Alora

Registered User
Oct 16, 2021
159
0
Email sent to OPG this morning.

i asked for it to be dealt with urgently as it was safeguarding of a vulnerable, elderly lady.
 

Alora

Registered User
Oct 16, 2021
159
0
Hi everyone

I’m just getting some info together for the social workers meeting

carers, hairdresser, chiropodist, meals on wheels….

I’ve not been to one this before so I’m just getting prepared. What else do I need to bring with me?

thank you.

Alora
 

lollyc

Registered User
Sep 9, 2020
593
0
Hi everyone

I’m just getting some info together for the social workers meeting

carers, hairdresser, chiropodist, meals on wheels….

I’ve not been to one this before so I’m just getting prepared. What else do I need to bring with me?

thank you.

Alora
Just a thought, and more what to ask than what to take:

Find out if SW can direct you towards day centres / clubs / carehomes that offer day care, that your mum might be able to attend; and transport provision options. Pre covid Mum went to this sort of thing. They get a lunch, activities etc., and companionship. Much better than a carer popping in 4 times a day.