Really sorry to read about your mum, Salli. hope you are doing ok.
I have to say I can't understand your brother at all...ok, it can't have been pleasant to see your mum like that, but to not even give YOU some support is really bad. I'm afraid this pretty much sums up my siblings, too. My expectations are pretty low for help from mine when the time comes.
Sending you a big hug.
LB xx
I have given mum 20 years of solid care, sister who didn't get on with her came back a year ago and tried to take over. It is becoming impossible with all of the irrational, violent and abusive outbursts to be there now she has dementia. The previous 20 years of caring for her without any support from my siblings does count though. If he hasn't been there for just one year doesn't write him off, dementia doesn't work like that sadly.
Sadly with dementia the sufferer can turn against the person who gave the most for their full life for those who gave the least in their last year. This sadly has happened in my family.
I am not saying in this family it is the case, just putting an anecdote for people not to rush to judgement on people who have been unable to stay in contact for a dementia patients final months.
I fully understand your point, completely sympathise, and agree it's all very difficult, and family dynamics also play an important part. I hope I didn't offend you. However, I really don't understand siblings not supporting each other at such tough times - this support could be by different methods, if more appropriate. Perhaps it's my own personal battle really, and I guess that's what I'm commenting on, really. In my experience, lack of emotional support from siblings is very tough to live with at these sorts of times.
LB xx
Originally Posted by Noorza
I am not saying in this family it is the case, just putting an anecdote for people not to rush to judgement on people who have been unable to stay in contact for a dementia patients final months.
Anyway, a new chapter in life is starting for me now which will take a bit of getting used to. I have learnt a lot over the past eighteen months, and maybe I'll pop back to TP now and then to see if I can be of use to anyone.
Mum died peacefully on 10th. I was going to write 'sadly died' but it wasn't sad, it was the best thing for her. From managing (albeit chaotically and unwisely) on her own at this time last year the downward spiral has been extremely rapid. In some ways I am grateful for that as she was latterly very distressed. The invisibles are making an appearance for the funeral but I have had sole responsibility for arranging the ceremony which I find very cathartic. I'm doing it my way (sorry, brother but you haven't been to see her for nearly a year, not even when you knew she was at the end of life, so you're not allowed any input) and it's allowing me to find a lot of peace. Mum and I did not get on. This is closure, allowing me to accept that was just how it was, yet honour her life, the things she loved and her successes. I do feel rather content with this now, and for the first time for a year, I am no longer stressed.
Thank you to everyone on TP for your support – especially when I first posted, with the clear message that I must stop dithering and apply for POA. That truly made my life so much easier. I can't praise this website enough for the continuing help throughout mum's illness. I honestly think I would have had a hard job coping without you.