Mum moving to care home this week

[simba1]

I an an infeqent poster but an avid reader of others posts and replies .
Today we have for funding for mum to go into 24 he care I feel as if I should be shouting from the roof tops with joy but just want to keep her at home.
We have been so lucky that mum has for As long as I remember said if she became unsafe in her own home that 24hr care would be needed. We have visited the local care home with her and she loved it. She has been asking to go there for the last few weeks ( mum still has really good insight with her dementia) everything has fallen into place a 'real did in her dementia keeping neighbours up wandering out side have major panic attacks when we put door sensors on leading to another Tia and further deteriorating with dementia, to many things to mention. The home of choice rang us t hui is week an nd social service have agreed funding. Mum is so happy but that doesn't stop my guilt feelings. (I am a health professional who for the last 25yrs has worked to keep people at home) when I read here what people have been through to get to this stage I know I am very lucky to have had such a smooth journey . But I still feel guilty feel as if I have given up on her and just want to pull blanket over my head n not to through the next few days .

 

[Cat27]

You've not given up on her at all. You've found the best place for her to be safe & well cared for.
You'll still be involved & still caring but in a different way.

 

[Missie 1956]

Hi you have helped me so much by posting your comment. I am in a similar situation where mum keeps going to her neighbours in sheltered accommodation knocking on their doors. Found a home and about to start the process but the guilt is overwhelming. Thank you for posting

 

[Georgina63]

Simba1
You have not given up on your mum, quite the opposite. You have done and continue to do all that is needed to keep her safe and well cared for. You will still be there for her. It is a difficult, possibly traumatic transition, but you have to remind yourself that living at home for your Mum is not sustainable and when the guilt monster strikes ask yourself what the alternative is. I think it will also be a great comfort that your Mum was able to make her own decisions as this is not always the case. You will also have some freedom back for yourself which you should also not feel guilty about. From my experience (Mum and Dad both have AD and moved into a care home 10 weeks ago) there will be good days and bad following the move, just as there are at the moment, and there will be all sorts of emotions, but you will know that your Mum is safe and well cared for and that counts for a great deal. I hope it goes well, let us know. Gx

 

[Chemmy]

With the benefit of hindsight, the only guilt I feel about my mother-in-law's move into care is that we left her too long living on her own, supposedly trying to maintain her so-called 'independence'.

The reality was she was malnourished, grubby, living in a dirty house, lonely and frightened if anyone knocked at the door.

There would be no sense of guilt if our parent had to move into hospital to receive appropriate care, so why do we allow ourselves to view a move into the far better surroundings of a care home so negatively?

 

[simba1]

Thanks everyone xxx

 

[bumblefeet]

Thank you

Hi,
I'm new to this forum, and the comments about guilt have really struck a chord.
My elderly stepmum has had a partial hip replacement, two infections, and is now in inpatient rehab, showing more signs of dementia than before.

Chemmy


With the benefit of hindsight, the only guilt I feel about my mother-in-law's move into care is that we left her too long living on her own, supposedly trying to maintain her so-called 'independence'.

The reality was she was malnourished, grubby, living in a dirty house, lonely and frightened if anyone knocked at the door.

There would be no sense of guilt if our parent had to move into hospital to receive appropriate care, so why do we allow ourselves to view a move into the far better surroundings of a care home so negatively?

This has made me see it clearly.
Yes, she was living in a dirty house, and no, she didn't change her clothes from one week to the next, let alone day, (and still doesn't in rehab if not reminded), and yes, she is confused, and no, she didn't eat properly. She also has trouble processing information, and is now definitely disorientated in terms of time, and can't find her way back to her bedroom in the rehab unit, despite it being in a straight line, and being able to see the door.

Thank you, you've clarified my thoughts.


I was

 

[Chemmy]

I've already made it clear to my own children that I don't want to be allowed to get into the state my mother-in-law was in, even if I insist otherwise further down the line.

 

[simba1]

Yes my children are fully aware of our wishes x

 

[Chemmy]

Yes my children are fully aware of our wishes x

And that's by far the best way to ensure they won't feel guilty over any difficult decisions they in turn may have to make in the future.

My parents talked these things over with me for years in advance and it meant I was able to do what I had to do with their blessing. No guilt monster here.