Mum moved to hospital

[steve54]

From my earlier posts you will know that my Mum has vascular dementia and we have been trying to find her some peace. First in sheltered housing but last week we were told she had to go into temporary respite care because the staff at the sheltered housing accommodation couldn't cope with her. Now the staff at the care home have also reported that she is almost constantly agitated and distressed so the medical people have decided to admit her to the local psychiatric hospital, where they can monitor her behavior and hopefully get her medication right.

I've done everything to keep her out of hospital and even now I still don't know if this is the right thing. Maybe that's because I dread going to see her in that place. My heart is breaking thinking about it so I don't know how I'll cope if she's in there any length of time. I don't know how long she'll be there or how she will survive it. She hated the ward the last time she was there and that was only 3 days when she had a urine infection. Now she is much worse than before and maybe it is the best place for her. Maybe they can sort out her medication to stop her agitation, although nothing they have tried before has worked.

The CPN has advised me not to be present when she is transferred because it may cause Mum more distress if she sees me and wants me to take her home. And the hospital have suggested not visiting until tomorrow. She isn't there yet and may not be until this evening. Trouble is I feel guilty as hell. It's as if I'm abandoning her but I feel their advice is right. Am I being selfish?
Does anyone have any advice how I cope with this? I'll find it difficult to hold back the tears when I visit if she is distressed.

 

[Laylabud]

My heart goes out to you i am so sorry that you are going through this, it is not easy at all to cope with.
Hopefully your Mum will settle down in the hospital in the coming days, you say she is worse now than when she was in there before so hopefully she will not remember to much about her last visit. I do wonder if she might have another urine infection as this does effect behaviour rather quickly. I cannot offer any advice as such as how you cope with your feelings of guilt as i do struggle with my own guilt over my Mum who is currently in hospital waiting to go into an EMI nursing home, but as people keep telling me you are doing what you have to do for your Mum's own welfare and safety and that is what is important here above anything else. It is difficult to change roles and become the mother and do what you think is best for her and i am sure like my Mum if she knew what was happening she would tell you that you are doing a wonderful job and that she is lucky to have such a wonderful caring person that she can rely on.
Take care and best wishes

Laylabud

 

[Nell]

Dear Steve,
No advice - just wanted you to know I can "hear" the despair and sadness in your post. Try to trust that this is best for your Mum - but continue to monitor the situation closely. You are her best advocate at all times.

In the meantime, do keep caring for yourself, and many

{{{HUGS}}}

 

[Grannie G]

Dear Steve,
I do hope the hospital will be able to calm down your mother`s agitation and ease her distress. Maybe then you won`t feel so bad about her being admitted.
What other option did you have, if the care home was so concerned about her.
Take care
Love xx

 

[Margaret W]

Dear Steve

What do you mean, selfish? It is quite clear you are not at all selfish, just the opposite, you are a caring, loving son.

Of course you feel guilty, we all do, but what are we guilty of? Doing our best. Caring. Listening to Advice. Making decisions that are hard to make. It's called the "guilt monster" and most of us are visited by it, and it is a vile animal to be got rid of as soon as possible.

My mum went into hospital for 6 weeks, she was not agitated, but there were others in there recently admitted who were, and bit by bit I saw them becoming calmer, the staff were wonderful and obviously experienced in all sorts of behaviour, they aim was to find a medical or practical solution for everyone as best they could.

I'm not saying they solved everyone's problems, but they certainly did their best. I can't believe that North Derbyshire Health Authority is any better than anywhere else, cos we have our fair share of problems, but the assessment unit was wonderful. I hope you have a similar experience.

And don't worry about crying, just try to save your tears for when your mum isn't in view.

Re Laylabud's comment, my mum has never thought much of me at all, but it is gratifying to now hear her telling people "She is so good to me, she buys me anything I need, and sorts out all my problems". Well, buying things comes out of her own money unless they are presents, and sorting out the problems...........

But it is nice to feel appreciated, hope you experience that luxury, no guarantees.

Let us know how she goes on.

Love

Margaret

 

[steve54]

I went to visit Mum today with her sister. At first Mum was pleased to see us. Putting her arms out and saying she's going home when we go. She was tearful and agitated after earlier reports that she had been calm. Is it me? Do I make her agitated because she associated me with a way out?

She became quite aggressive on occasions. Clenching her fists in frustration and blaming me for putting her in this awful place. She even took a swing at me and even aimed a punch at her sister. I'm finding this very difficult. On top of the guilt I feel I've now got Mum blaming me and making me feel worse. I know she can't help it but sometimes I wonder if she is really more sane than we give her credit for. She knows it's an awful place to be and a place to be away from. But I can't help her. It's this aggression that has put her here.

The place isn't very nice and I'm concerned that she isn't getting good treatment. Since she was admitted on friday we've noticed they've had her shoes on the wrong feet and lost her teeth. Her room is more like a prison cell. It is basic with a crumpled bed and a stained pillow case. Her clothes are dirty. It may be that she isn't cooperating with them although each time I ask the nurse how's she been they tell me she seems settled.

Today the nurse told me they'd sent off for an assessment by a mental health social worker with a view to deciding whether Mum can leave hospital for a CH or NH. Part of me hopes so because where she is is a living hell. But part of me also worries that she'll be agitated and restless and the cycle will begin again. I've only been doing this a short while and I know some of you have been in my position for years. I just don't know how much more of this I can take.

 

[christine_batch]

Dear Steve,
I am so sorry that your Mum is in Hospital again.
We can only do so much for our loved ones and that guilt trip is one we all go through and life just stinks.
When they have had a bad day, the next day they can be calm, loving and very sweet and glad to see us.

Perhaps that saying so many of us use - take it day by day.
When dealing with this illness, we don't know what each day is going to be like.

You are a very caring, loving son and your Mother would be so proud of you.

I wish you and your Mum all the best.
Christine:

 

[steve54]

I went to see Mum's consultant today to find out what they can do to help her. But before I saw the doctor Mum saw me and wanted me to take her home. She was very agitated and restless. We must've walked around the ward 3 or 4 times before the doctor was ready to see us.

The doctor introduced herself to Mum and then to me, saying this was the first time she and Mum had met and wanted to speak to Mum first. Mum was very uncooperative saying "you're not my doctor", "I'm not having this. Come on let's go." The doctor had to abort her attempts to find out from Mum where she wanted to go and why she felt so terrible because Mum was just so unresponsive to help, which is not like her at all. Then I joined the doctor in her ward round meeting and Mum kept trying to get into the room. Telling me to "Come on, don't have anything to do with them." A nurse had to try to walk her away so that the doctors could talk to me.

The doctor explained that they need to use the mental health act section 3 because Mum is a voluntary patient but as she's constantly asking to leave they are breaking the law to keep her (not that they would let her go out because of the dangers to her). It's 5.2 of the section which, I'm told, means that the doctor can sign her discharge as soon as Mum is safe to go into the community, which seems likely to be a residential home. I felt I had no alternative but to accept this, not that I was forced into it or anything, but for Mum's safety. I've fought against her being in hospital for so long but now I'm finding I am accepting it as if she has cancer or some other serious disease. It's the only way she is going to get a reasonable life with less torment.

They want to change her meds to something that sounds like quartzine but I didn't get a note of it. Can anyone help me with the correct spelling and any experiences of it? They hope it will be more effective than promazine and diazapam which she's been on before and which have had no positive effect. I hope this new drug is better so that visits can at least be peaceful and not a battleground.

And so it goes on.

 

[Skye]

They want to change her meds to something that sounds like quartzine but I didn't get a note of it. Can anyone help me with the correct spelling and any experiences of it?

Steve, it may be Quetiapine. It's an antipsychotic, and there have been several discussions about it on the forum.

My husband was put on it in hospital when he had a UTI, but came off it after a couple of months. It worked very well for him. The important thing is to ask how long they think it will be necessary.

I've fought against her being in hospital for so long but now I'm finding I am accepting it as if she has cancer or some other serious disease. It's the only way she is going to get a reasonable life with less torment.

Steve, that's the only way to look at it. Dementia is just another serious illness, and sometimes it has to be treated in hospital to make sure the right medication is given.

Hopefully, they'll soon have your mum stabilised, though as you say she'll probably need to be in care.

Have you started looking at care homes yet. You might need an EMI home, and it's as well to know what's available. If you can find a suitable place, they may discharge her there sooner.

Tears are normal, I've shed bucket-loads over John having to go into care. But there comes a time for most of us when we just can't cope any more.

Let us know how you get on,

Love,