Mum moved into permanent care - feeling strange!

[ncdetchon]

I have just joined this forum as my sister and I are feeling utterly desolate. We recently put our Mum in a nursing home. She has had Alzheimer's for nearly 10 years and she is only 67 years old.

It's been a truly horrendous decision but her illness was making our Dad poorly - he had a heart valve replaced in March and is a shadow of his former self. We work full time and have families with young children and we just can't care for her in the way she needs and neither can Dad. He was at a real breakdown point.

Mum is unhappy at the home and we don't know whether this is normal for a settling in period or if she will always be like this. We are devastated that every time we visit she just weeps and weeps.

We thought we had found a brilliant place as the care home is great and they even have other people with dementia that are my mum's age.

I think my sister and I just need reassurance that we have done the right thing and to connect with people who have done this and come through the other side.

We are both racked with guilt and full of emotion and while we are both strong women, we are feeling so strange, out of control and at the end of our tethers. Personally, I'm trying to run my business and can barely function I feel so stressed and anxious about it all.

Mum was unhappy at home and now she is unhappy in the nursing home. When we speak to the nurses, they say that she is OK when we are not there. However, she is frightened and confused by what is happening and I don't know how to fix that - not even sure that I can.

Anyone else out there going through this? Help!!!

 

[virg]

Your post is so familiar but I'm a year ahead of you.

My Dad was being made ill and that was the reason we made the decision to put Mum in a home just over a year ago. It was probably one of the most horrible things I have ever done but knew that it had to happen.

Mum hated it and possibly still does but has settled and we're told that she is happy most of the time. She gets more attention that she did at home as she gets to chat to the carers, visitors and other residents. Mum seems confused a lot of the time but if you leave her to it, she proves that she's not (e.g. if she needs to go to the toilet, she will tell me that she doesn't know where it is but if I don't tell her, she walks straight there).

We've learned to live with it and are content with the standard of care she receives. I still have days when I get upset and the guilt hasn't gone (and I don't suppose ever will) but it does get easier.

Try to remember that she wasn't happy at home either as she's no worse off in the home. Look at your Dad and if he improves, then take that as additional confirmation that you did the right thing. (My Dad's stress levels were visibly better).

I'll be thinking of you. Look after yourself as I know how hard it is.

 

[snoggy1one]

You are definately not alone. Most of us feel pretty desperate, guilty and devastated after having no choice other than to entrust our elderly parent into a care home.

My situation is that my mum just could not manage living on her own any more. I tried to look after her but it was too much for me to cope with and I was completely exhausted as mum has no sleeping pattern and I was awake most nights.

After much heartache and soul search I now realise that the care homes have experienced staff who understand how to settle new residents in and they sympathise well with all the teething problems, and the staff arrive refreshed and ready to give completely tlc to the residents.

When I took care of my mum for a short while I was always exhausted and miserable and struggling and when mum lived alone she didn't even want to get washed or dressed, let alone have a decent meal and was badly at risk.

At the doctors suggestion I moved mum into a care home but at the time it was the last thing I wanted to do. I was completely heartbroken and lost weight and cried like I was already bereaved but I knew deep down that mum needed constant attention and care so I had no choice as I couldnt give what she needed and so deserved.

I am still feeling guilty one year on, and cry at times when I miss the old times, but, I console myself with the fact that mum is safe and she has ladies similar to herself and a regular routine with good food and medical advice should she need it. She is stimulated with other residents and the activities around.

I have noticed that the regular routine mum has means she is always clean and well dressed and rested. She has put on weight as she now enjoys regular wholesome food and she is never lonely or at risk of anything like leaving a cooker unattended or being robbed by forgetting to close windows or doors.

I know that when you realise the benefits your mum has from living in a care home environment that you will know you have done the right thing. You can now relax a bit and become her daughter again and enjoy quality time with your mum. Do not beat yourself too much, I did that, and it gets you nowhere.

Of course it is a big change moving into a care home and naturally takes time to adjust for anyone. I completely understand your emotions and worries and its the same for all of us. We all go through the same feelings and no wonder you are feeling strange. There will be good days and bad days but I am sure the good will outweigh the bad eventually.

You have just taken a massive step and it hurts like mad but in time I am sure you mum will settle into a routine and make friends and at least you will know that she is safe and well cared for and everyone will sleep a little more soundly in their bed. You can then make her room a little more homely and maybe plan for little trips out or special visits and have some real quality time together.

Good luck. ... Been there.... and got the t shirt xx

 

[ncdetchon]

Thankyou

Thank you for taking the time to post - your words have been very helpful and it is a great comfort knowing "we are not alone" and that other people have been through this and just know what it feels like.

You are right - she is better cared for and she has laughed and smiled more in the two weeks that she has been there. However, her tears and worries are overwhelming us.

The logical side of your brain knows that we've done the right thing but the emotions hit you wave after wave. Like a bloody tsunami sometimes!

xx

 

[ncdetchon]

Your post is so familiar but I'm a year ahead of you.

My Dad was being made ill and that was the reason we made the decision to put Mum in a home just over a year ago. It was probably one of the most horrible things I have ever done but knew that it had to happen.

Mum hated it and possibly still does but has settled and we're told that she is happy most of the time. She gets more attention that she did at home as she gets to chat to the carers, visitors and other residents. Mum seems confused a lot of the time but if you leave her to it, she proves that she's not (e.g. if she needs to go to the toilet, she will tell me that she doesn't know where it is but if I don't tell her, she walks straight there).

We've learned to live with it and are content with the standard of care she receives. I still have days when I get upset and the guilt hasn't gone (and I don't suppose ever will) but it does get easier.

Try to remember that she wasn't happy at home either as she's no worse off in the home. Look at your Dad and if he improves, then take that as additional confirmation that you did the right thing. (My Dad's stress levels were visibly better).

I'll be thinking of you. Look after yourself as I know how hard it is.

You are right - Dad is improving all the time and my other half says he looks like a different man! My sister and I have sheltered him from the difficult decisions and have worked hard to clear his conscience and encourage him to live his life.
He is grieving as he is still very much in love with my Mum, or at least the memory of who she used to be!

Thank you for thinking about us and for taking the time to post. xx

 

[nerak]

Hi,

I am currently looking after my mum and can no longer cope with her abuse and constant attacks on me.

Ive told family that I will have to leave soon and she cannot live on her own she left the front door open last week ALL NIGHT here on her own.

My health is suffering and im only 40 the stress is too much for anyone ive just asked her to have a bath as shes not washing and got a door slammed in my face??

Am waiting for nurses to come and again today they have not turned up

This is hard as it will be for us my mum has still great memory but the rest is just crazy she will not manage on her own but i just hope that she will go willingly or that shes dosnt know where she is?

I have nightmares that she may be forced against her will and that terrifies me.

You have done the right thing and very lucky you have your family to support you alot on here dont sadly!

My situation is getting worse and a home is the only option as all my family live abroad
except for a very selfish bro down the road.

Hope this makes you feel a bit better my mum is only 73 and looks about 60 its too young and I all I can do is my best for her.

Take care you are going through my biggest fear but we are all here in same situations.

Yo

 

[ncdetchon]

Hi,

I am currently looking after my mum and can no longer cope with her abuse and constant attacks on me.

Ive told family that I will have to leave soon and she cannot live on her own she left the front door open last week ALL NIGHT here on her own.

My health is suffering and im only 40 the stress is too much for anyone ive just asked her to have a bath as shes not washing and got a door slammed in my face??

Am waiting for nurses to come and again today they have not turned up

This is hard as it will be for us my mum has still great memory but the rest is just crazy she will not manage on her own but i just hope that she will go willingly or that shes dosnt know where she is?

I have nightmares that she may be forced against her will and that terrifies me.

You have done the right thing and very lucky you have your family to support you alot on here dont sadly!

My situation is getting worse and a home is the only option as all my family live abroad
except for a very selfish bro down the road.

Hope this makes you feel a bit better my mum is only 73 and looks about 60 its too young and I all I can do is my best for her.

Take care you are going through my biggest fear but we are all here in same situations.

Yo

It sounds like a nightmare and I really sympathise. We had the whole not washing thing and much more but, luckily, she only ever got nasty when she had a urine infection! Mum has been awful to Dad who was her main carer and made his life hell.

Whilst putting Mum in a nursing home has been hard and continues to be a massive stressor, it is the right decision. It sounds as though you need to start your search for the right place for your Mum as it does take time. However, when you are so up to your neck in dealing with the day to day stuff you wonder how you will find the time to do anything else.

Have you been in touch with social services, are they helping you at all? I found that when I mentioned the phrase "carer breakdown" they all of a sudden got very interested in our case and pulled out all the stops. You shouldn't have to be dealing with this alone.

I am very lucky in that me, my sister and our Dad have a very close relationship so we do look after each other.

It doesn't hurt to tell a few white lies to get them into the home. We said that Dad was still in hospital and couldn't look after her anymore. Even though he has been out for some time now. It was the only way we could do it :-(

Good luck and keep talking to people on here who understand the nightmare that you are going through. xx

 

[Care.daughter]

Hi. I'm not sure wether I can provide any advise more than my sympathy. My situation is very similar as snoogy1one. My dad lives by himself at his house, after my mom left him 4 years ago (at least she is not sick and is trying to live a regular life on her own - one less worry from my part).
Not only he was left alone, but lost his medical carrer, hospital and clinic due his condition (Alz). I eventually became his mother/wife/carer, but I also have family and job on my own and cannot take care of him 24/7. Two carers whom take shifts look after him at home, but he is continously depressed. He wants to sleep and eat only. He is not interested in exercising nor other activities outdoors. I used to count his bad days but I know focus on his few good ones. I bought him tons of activities, like puzzles, memory cards, coloring books, etc, but they just distract them for short periods. He just wants to go out to ride his motorcycles, like he did in the past (even me driving him around in a car does not calm his eager).
My brothers are also not so involved in the picture. And like Nerak, I'm also 40 and already feeling like 50-60. I have gained weight and my mind is constanly worried. I feel like I am being chased and critized all the time. Why? By whom? Is this guilt? Is it going ever to stop?

I'm in the breaking point of taking that decision of getting him into a permanent carecenter, precisely just like snoogy1one's mum, for dad to be surrounded by people (he was very social) and where he is going to be well taken care of. Maybe by doing the activities they do down there, he will become more active and happy. My nightmare is what ncdetchon is describing. If he complains all the time that I took his bikes away and is no longer able to drive, that he is no longer a doctor, that God does not listen to him and cure him, he will then have tons of more complains (missing his bed, room, couch, etc). Besides, he is only 69 and also looks younger. The rest of the patients over there are 80 - 90 (at least the ones I have visited) Being his only daughter I am still in that position as "who am I to take all these things away from him?"
I read somewhere that at the end, their home is no longer their home or where they used to live. Home is where love is, so if there is love in the carecenters, I guess it is the right place for them to be. In our position, we give them that love as only the family can bring, but during these modern times and needs, we should start changing our mentality and remove the old cliche of what a nursing home is for. I am starting to think it is more as a hospital than a house for them. If someone is sick and you do not know what to do, you take him/her to the hospital so the doctors/nurses can cure him/her. He/she will be supervised all the time. They evey ask you to go home and try to sleep. In our case, it is so heartbreaking that they cannot cure them, but at lest they will care for them and have the expertise. I guess this is more valuable than loosing your sleep thinking he will burn the house or leave the door open.
All the best to all of you. Taking all these out is really relieving.

 

[ritchie]

Your post rings many bells.

My mum has been in a ch for 3 weeks, following a lengthy stay in hospital, at the moment she still seems unsettled & tells me she hates it but the staff say she is starting to settle more , think it's gonna take a while. As for the guilt don't think that will ever go away.
i know I've made the right decision as I couldn't cope any longer looking after mum but it still hurts like hell & I know its gonna be a long road ahead but guess you have to learn to adjust.
Tough times, thoughts are with you X

 

[lilysmybabypup]

Yes, yes, yes, and yes. All of the above.

Hi, I am in the same boat, my mum 82, has been caring for Dad, 86 with AD for about 8 years. She is becoming frail and has a couple of medical problems now, as well as being exhausted, even though I helped to care for him. He was hospitalised for 4 weeks and we were looking at respite but he just declined so rapidly that he could no longer walk or stand, and stopped eating too. He is less trouble now since his sleeps all day but he's a very tall man, and still weighs about 85kg, all bone, and we can't get him in or out of bed.

He has gone into a nursing home now, about 2 weeks, and it is honestly the single most devastating event of my life. I also have a sister and we are both feeling utterly bereft. Dad has always been the most wonderful father, husband, and grandfather, he is very attached to Mum, my sister, and me. While he is a little out of it with all the sleeping and a little unaware, he will wake briefly and call for us. When I'm there I wait and see what happens if I don't answer, and he gets very upset, and I ask what is it, he says he just needs to know where I am.

Mum's health is getting worse and has accepted better than my sister or me. I was determined to move in with Mum and bring Dad back home, I didn't care what it took but she said she just can't, and I know she has a habit of overdoing it so I know we can't. It is utterly devastating.

I know just how you feel, like he's been abandoned, even though I go there every day and sit holding his hand while he sleeps. I feel dreadful when I realise he will never be home again, and he is with strangers who can never give him the 1:1 care he received at home. I'm hoping he will soon accept all the carers as us and somebody will comfort him if we aren't there. I know he gets looked after but I haven't seen any carers actually be comforting to any residents, so, I suppose I will keep going as much as I can so he never feels unloved.

I wish you all the best and hope it all settles down with time. You really aren't alone.

Stephanie, xxx

 

[ncdetchon]

Sorry for lack of replies - I'm on holiday up in the Lake District. Done a lot of resting and sleeping and while I feel much better, I'm dreading going back to it all. I've had a wonderful, care free few days - I'd forgotten how that felt!

Sounds like you have your hands full too. Sad to hear that you are in the same boat as us, but it's also a comfort knowing that many of us are having the same feelings, guilt etc.

I keep hoping I win the lottery so that I can buy a big house and have a collection of helpers so we can keep her at home!!
Crazy times xxx

 

[ncdetchon]

Today I have had the first visit with no tears or trauma. Mum welcomed us into her room and was thrilled to see us! A wonderful day.

 

[janma221]

I'm so glad that your visit was good and hope you enjoyed your holiday in the Lakes it is one of the most beautiful places. Hope things are starting to settle for you now and you know that you and your sister have done the right thing.
Take care
Jan xxx

 

[starryuk]

Today I have had the first visit with no tears or trauma. Mum welcomed us into her room and was thrilled to see us! A wonderful day.

What wonderful news! Long may it continue and I hope you sleep peacefully tonight.

 

[ncdetchon]

Thank you for your lovely replies. I will sleep well tonight. I hope it lasts and she is like this again! It's the first time in a long time that I've had a proper cuddle from my mum. An amazing visit! xxx