That sounds awful Stay strong, Kerry! (Sorry, don't have any advice to give - haven't been in that situation so far)

 

I am so sorry
They are quick to make that decision.
I know that people do say 'leave to settle' but do you think it might help to settle her if you visited? People are so very different and you know your mum best, do what you think is best for her and for you xxxxxxxxxx Thinking of you xxx

 

Kerry though my mum had input into moving into care she has had at various times absolute loathing and hate for me. Sorry not trying to make it worse. Having said that I have had some really great times with mum.
Mum seemed to be better with me if I didn't visit as much. Mum has been in care for over 18 months. For the last five or six months where I have reduced my visits mum has been really nice and welcoming to me horrible to the staff.
Mum is an escape artist. She tries to get out all the time and sometimes succeeds
I suppose what I am trying to say is I think for most relatives there are good days and bad days.
When mum says it is dreadful "you won't let me leave" I promptly blame "the boss' or the doctor or anyone else. I try to give mum it is her and I together.
I do hope your mum settles. like so many others on this site I can definitely relate.

 

Kerry TP has reassured me no end. Mum has tried ro throw things at me. Growled at me. Tried to spit at me. Very verbally abusive.
But then sometimes I get the mum.who just wants to vent about life. We giggle (she tells me about her latest passion something a daughter should not have to hear from her 80 year old mum)
I know that mum is different all the time. She is one of the more challenging residents.
So brief answer unfortunately yes

 

Ohhh but I did also want to say is you can read the forum and you will see so many people with similar issues. Also it is very difficult to not take the hate and words personally.

 

That is outrageous - why on earth did she say that - it is extremely unprofessional of her and should be reported when you have the time and energy! I am sure you will but just check the Care Quality Commission report on the new home just google CQC report plus name of home and it should come up. Worth reading through the whole report

 

Shared situation

Hi KerryH. Sounds like we're at about the same point. My Mum moved into a care home 3 weeks ago. I looked at or spoke to more than 8 local homes before choosing one. I picked one that specialises in dementia. It is secure, with key codes on all external doors to stop any escapes. The home has a nice atmosphere and the carers are dementia-trained and fantastic - all Mum's abuse, shouting and swearing goes straight over their heads and they look for her true character and respond to that instead. They have a dedicated activity coordinator too, though Mum refuses to join in as yet.

Things are going to be very difficult for a while. When I visit, Mum begs piteously to come home (she lived with me for many years) and when that isn't going to happen, she rants at me with such hate that it reduces me to tears every time. I started out visiting every day and taking her dog to see her too. However, it was totally destroying me so I took experience from this forum and the advice of the home manager and now I'm going twice a week. I have a review with the doctor today and hope she'll prescribe something to help with Mum's anger and anxiety. I feel depressed and guilty and doubt the decision - I've almost brought her home many times already. But I know she wasn't any happier here either.

What has helped me is looking through some of Mum's old diaries and letters, reminding me that she did once love me and enjoy seeing me, despite what she says now.

 

Hi, Kerry, I don't have brilliant advice for you but am sorry to hear you and your family are struggling so much. This must feel like a waking nightmare, especially at Christmas. I can well imagine how awful you feel.

From reading here on TP I can say that your mum is definitely NOT the only one to have this sort of reaction, including the escape attempts. This changes nothing, except maybe to reassure you just a bit, that you are not alone?

I agree with the advice to not bring her to your home for Christmas. The stairs, the change of environment, and the stimulus all sound like a bad combination to me (not that I'm an expert, but, just saying). Ten days isn't very long and if it I were in your position, I would be afraid that taking her out would re-set the clock on her settling, and also that taking her back to the care home after Christmas might be awful and upsetting for everyone.

I also want to say that, as awful as you feel, please try to remember that you are not a bad person, none of this is your fault, and you are not the enemy. You are doing your best to ensure your mum is safe, warm, fed, cared for, and looked after. The disease is the enemy, not you! This dementia cr@p has a lot to answer for.

Ellie, I'm sorry to hear you are in a similar situation. I like your strategy of reading through old papers, to find comfort and reassurance. I am also impressed that you are able to visit your mum when she is so awful to you. (When we moved my mother into her care home, I didn't visit her, at all [after the move in day] for almost two months.) Just to tell you a happy ending story, my mother suffered from crippling anxiety and panic attacks before she was in hospital/moved to the care home. Ten months later, her anxiety has virtually disappeared. While I know this is partly due to the doctors finding the right combination of medications for her, I think it's also being in the structured and safe environment of the care home. So please have some hope, that it could get better for you mum.

 

I understand your frustration

 

Give it time....

Thanks for the supportive comments - they help a lot. First time back since my first post and it almost broke my heart re-reading it.

Little update on Mum. Almost 2 months now. Mum hasn't settled at all but is on light anti-depressives so is calmer, though she's still begging to come home then getting abusive when she realises it isn't going to happen. I still go twice a week and take the much-loved dog to see her too. I stay for only 30-45 mins, just as long as things are relatively pleasant. She's physically healthy but she looks a sad, hunched, lonely, isolated old woman. Having her in a home has been much harder than having her living with me, whereas I thought it would be easier. I've been struggling with simply getting through each day.

However, people keep saying give it time and this is true. I'm slowly discovering that I can rely on the wonderful carers in the home. So I can 'just visit' instead of trying to control everything. And I have the small joy of being able to go out at the weekend without worrying about taking mum with me or getting back to look after her. And tonight I've booked my first week away in 8 years! So hope this gives others some hope. Hang in there.

 

Hi Ellie1597
thanks for the update
it's tough, isn't it - I too had to admit I just couldn't look after dad
I'm pleased that you are settling - sorry your mum hasn't; you have done your best for her and that has to be enough - so glad you are building up trust with the staff; it helps such a lot
I'm planning a holiday too - exciting isn't it - a bit daunting too
one step at a time