Mum moved into nursing home today

[KerryH]

.... I've rung up the nursing home and mum is very upset and cross that she's there. She thought she was going home. We've said its respite care until she's better - she's been in hospital since 27th October with a foot infection. She's late stage vascular and Alzheimer's and no longer to live independently.

We're visiting on Sunday to give her time to settle a little but I feel so awful now. She'll hate us for this...


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[KerryH]

Since posting the above, I've called the home and she's trying to escape... And basically gone into melt down. They think it's not the right place for her and she needs dedicated dementia care. Oh god... This is a nightmare.


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[sisu]

That sounds awful Stay strong, Kerry! (Sorry, don't have any advice to give - haven't been in that situation so far)

 

[fizzie]

Since posting the above, I've called the home and she's trying to escape... And basically gone into melt down. They think it's not the right place for her and she needs dedicated dementia care. Oh god... This is a nightmare.


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I am so sorry
They are quick to make that decision.
I know that people do say 'leave to settle' but do you think it might help to settle her if you visited? People are so very different and you know your mum best, do what you think is best for her and for you xxxxxxxxxx Thinking of you xxx

 

[MrsTerryN]

Kerry though my mum had input into moving into care she has had at various times absolute loathing and hate for me. Sorry not trying to make it worse. Having said that I have had some really great times with mum.
Mum seemed to be better with me if I didn't visit as much. Mum has been in care for over 18 months. For the last five or six months where I have reduced my visits mum has been really nice and welcoming to me horrible to the staff.
Mum is an escape artist. She tries to get out all the time and sometimes succeeds
I suppose what I am trying to say is I think for most relatives there are good days and bad days.
When mum says it is dreadful "you won't let me leave" I promptly blame "the boss' or the doctor or anyone else. I try to give mum it is her and I together.
I do hope your mum settles. like so many others on this site I can definitely relate.

 

[KerryH]

Thank you....


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[KerryH]

Mrs TerryN - do you think this is a normal reaction? I feel so out of my depth here.... It's a living nightmare


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[MrsTerryN]

Kerry TP has reassured me no end. Mum has tried ro throw things at me. Growled at me. Tried to spit at me. Very verbally abusive.
But then sometimes I get the mum.who just wants to vent about life. We giggle (she tells me about her latest passion something a daughter should not have to hear from her 80 year old mum)
I know that mum is different all the time. She is one of the more challenging residents.
So brief answer unfortunately yes

 

[MrsTerryN]

Ohhh but I did also want to say is you can read the forum and you will see so many people with similar issues. Also it is very difficult to not take the hate and words personally.

 

[KerryH]

I've found another home, bigger and modern that specialises in dementia. Im going to call them tomorrow and explain my situation to them, hopefully I get get some advice. I'm particularly annoyed with the care manager who told me my name was mud... Why would you feel the need to say this to someone, especially when you know they're probably suffering too. Makes me think that perhaps they're not the best place for her anyway.


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[fizzie]

That is outrageous - why on earth did she say that - it is extremely unprofessional of her and should be reported when you have the time and energy! I am sure you will but just check the Care Quality Commission report on the new home just google CQC report plus name of home and it should come up. Worth reading through the whole report

 

[KerryH]

Terry - I've read some of your posts and it sounds like my mum is very similar to yours. She went into hospital with an infection at the end of October and since that period she's gone way down hill. Paranoia and delusion is still there even after the infection has cleared up. She thinks she's at the office and the other people on the ward are co-workers who are are talking about her. She's quite vocal about it too. She's also lost so much weight - she's now 46 kilos, was 80 about a year ago. She's been in living assisted for the past year but now cannot do anything for herself, carers come in twice a day to help with her insulin and other medication but they, plus her GP, the district nurses all say she can't live independently anymore. She was assessed last week in hospital and the outcome was that 24/7 nursing care is needed, we even received the go ahead for NFC (nursing funding). So this is where we're at and seemed to have fallen at the first hurdle.I'm exhausted.


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[KerryH]

This one had a good QC report and reviews but it seems mum isn't for them! The care manager even went to the hospital to assess mum and reported back all was good and to come in immediately. She now says that mum is too mobile for them - because she had this melt down wanted to get out on arrival. I haven't had the courage to call again today, I'll do it tomorrow....


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[Ellie1597]

Shared situation

Hi KerryH. Sounds like we're at about the same point. My Mum moved into a care home 3 weeks ago. I looked at or spoke to more than 8 local homes before choosing one. I picked one that specialises in dementia. It is secure, with key codes on all external doors to stop any escapes. The home has a nice atmosphere and the carers are dementia-trained and fantastic - all Mum's abuse, shouting and swearing goes straight over their heads and they look for her true character and respond to that instead. They have a dedicated activity coordinator too, though Mum refuses to join in as yet.

Things are going to be very difficult for a while. When I visit, Mum begs piteously to come home (she lived with me for many years) and when that isn't going to happen, she rants at me with such hate that it reduces me to tears every time. I started out visiting every day and taking her dog to see her too. However, it was totally destroying me so I took experience from this forum and the advice of the home manager and now I'm going twice a week. I have a review with the doctor today and hope she'll prescribe something to help with Mum's anger and anxiety. I feel depressed and guilty and doubt the decision - I've almost brought her home many times already. But I know she wasn't any happier here either.

What has helped me is looking through some of Mum's old diaries and letters, reminding me that she did once love me and enjoy seeing me, despite what she says now.

 

[KerryH]

Hi Ellie - this is day 10 for mum. The home isn't a dementia specialist but we may have to end up moving her to one. Having said that, it's a really nice warm place and I'm happy with the choice. BUT she's not happy. We visited on Sunday and she seemed a lot more settled, but today my brother phoned her and she became hysterical with sobbing "please don't leave me here". So basically we both feel awful for the rest of the day. She keeps asking about Xmas but they've advised us not to take her out but visit instead, they say it'll only unsettle her, plus my stairs are steep and I've no downstairs cloakroom. It's a living nightmare that only if your experiencing this will you understand!

Inbox me if you want a private rant!! X


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[Amy in the US]

Hi, Kerry, I don't have brilliant advice for you but am sorry to hear you and your family are struggling so much. This must feel like a waking nightmare, especially at Christmas. I can well imagine how awful you feel.

From reading here on TP I can say that your mum is definitely NOT the only one to have this sort of reaction, including the escape attempts. This changes nothing, except maybe to reassure you just a bit, that you are not alone?

I agree with the advice to not bring her to your home for Christmas. The stairs, the change of environment, and the stimulus all sound like a bad combination to me (not that I'm an expert, but, just saying). Ten days isn't very long and if it I were in your position, I would be afraid that taking her out would re-set the clock on her settling, and also that taking her back to the care home after Christmas might be awful and upsetting for everyone.

I also want to say that, as awful as you feel, please try to remember that you are not a bad person, none of this is your fault, and you are not the enemy. You are doing your best to ensure your mum is safe, warm, fed, cared for, and looked after. The disease is the enemy, not you! This dementia cr@p has a lot to answer for.

Ellie, I'm sorry to hear you are in a similar situation. I like your strategy of reading through old papers, to find comfort and reassurance. I am also impressed that you are able to visit your mum when she is so awful to you. (When we moved my mother into her care home, I didn't visit her, at all [after the move in day] for almost two months.) Just to tell you a happy ending story, my mother suffered from crippling anxiety and panic attacks before she was in hospital/moved to the care home. Ten months later, her anxiety has virtually disappeared. While I know this is partly due to the doctors finding the right combination of medications for her, I think it's also being in the structured and safe environment of the care home. So please have some hope, that it could get better for you mum.

 

[rockysmts]

I understand your frustration

Since posting the above, I've called the home and she's trying to escape... And basically gone into melt down. They think it's not the right place for her and she needs dedicated dementia care. Oh god... This is a nightmare.


My mother broke her leg about 4 years ago and was put in nursing home for rehab. I had already started noticing signs. She was diagnosed there and my father decided after 45 years of marriage that she was no longer his responsibility. I wish I could have cared for her in my home but I couldn't, but I was up there to see her everyday after work. This last year things went downhill fast. Her behaviors became so bad that she had to go to a geriatric behavioral center for her meds to be adjusted. She has been in and out of that place and I went through 8 nursing homes that pitched to me that they had the staff and expertise to care for alzheimer patients. She was actually in one nursing home for 6 hours before they sent her to emergency room. Another one it was 2 days, another one was 1 day. One nursing home was 4 days but I took her out of that one bc I came to visit her and I couldn't wake her. She was so dehydrated she was borderline kidney failure. I had mentioned her condition the day before and they were supposed to call dr. I demanded them to call ambulance. She is in a place 5 minutes from me now and I am amazed at these nursing homes and not in a good way. Some staff forget these are people they are caring for and are so rough. My mom is lucky that she has family to check in on her, many don't. The home before this my mom had 5 falls. One gave her a broke nose and another broke arm. Needless to say I moved her from that place. She doesn't remember me any more and is at the stage where we are having problems getting good her to eat. She has to be fed and changed. She is totally dependent. There are days where for 10 seconds I can see she knows me and maybe not that I am her daughter but as someone who loves her. Those days she tells me she loves me. Those are the days I really loose it and ball like a baby. I miss my mom, my best friend. I just wanted to say that there has been some great caregivers at some of the homes but the really nice ones, the ones you see on TV aren't for people paying with Medicaid, Medicare and Social Security. They are private pay. Even the worst homes if you had to pay out of pocket would be around 4500 a month. If they gave families that money, people like me could get a big enough place to keep loved ones at home and still have enough money to hire caregivers to assist them. Just sad.


The sad thing is all these nursing homes claim they are equipped to care for dementia/Alzheimer's patients but they don't want to deal with the symptoms and problems that can happen with some people. They just think they should be people that just sit, eat and sleep. They forget this is the illness, our family members aren't doing these things to be purposely difficult.

 

[KerryH]

Thought id give an update. Mum is settling and even interacting with the other residents but she's deteriorating fast. She perked up when we sat with her on her own but I imagine that when we're not there she just sits and exists. There is a lot of activities like quizzes and Christmas things going on that helps. We're visiting Xmas eve and Xmas day so will see what it brings us...




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[Ellie1597]

Give it time....

Thanks for the supportive comments - they help a lot. First time back since my first post and it almost broke my heart re-reading it.

Little update on Mum. Almost 2 months now. Mum hasn't settled at all but is on light anti-depressives so is calmer, though she's still begging to come home then getting abusive when she realises it isn't going to happen. I still go twice a week and take the much-loved dog to see her too. I stay for only 30-45 mins, just as long as things are relatively pleasant. She's physically healthy but she looks a sad, hunched, lonely, isolated old woman. Having her in a home has been much harder than having her living with me, whereas I thought it would be easier. I've been struggling with simply getting through each day.

However, people keep saying give it time and this is true. I'm slowly discovering that I can rely on the wonderful carers in the home. So I can 'just visit' instead of trying to control everything. And I have the small joy of being able to go out at the weekend without worrying about taking mum with me or getting back to look after her. And tonight I've booked my first week away in 8 years! So hope this gives others some hope. Hang in there.

 

[Shedrech]

Hi Ellie1597
thanks for the update
it's tough, isn't it - I too had to admit I just couldn't look after dad
I'm pleased that you are settling - sorry your mum hasn't; you have done your best for her and that has to be enough - so glad you are building up trust with the staff; it helps such a lot
I'm planning a holiday too - exciting isn't it - a bit daunting too
one step at a time