Mum Moved Into Nh Today

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Cate, Sep 25, 2006.

  1. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    1,370
    Newport, Gwent
    Hello Everyone
    I have not posted for a while, been really busy sorting out, and getting mum ready to move into the Nursing Home.

    Having found a really good NH for mum, the going through mum's assessment, then the trauma of getting it to panel in time that we didnt lose the place we made it. We go the go ahead last Wednesday.

    Since then we have been sorting out her flat organising the furniture and personal things she wanted to take with her. Mr brother re painted all her bedroom furniture, I washed and ironed everything she has in the way of clothing (as she would stuff her dirty laundry in with the clean stuff, it all had to be washed). I have ironed for Britain.

    We took mum to the home and she liked it, drove me nuts all week asking how much longer she had to wait before she moved etc. etc. We went to and fro the home putting up pictures, moving in everytihing ready, her room looked a real treat.

    Bit of a slight trauma her new bed was broken when we tried to put it together, so we moved in her old one, and the company are pulling out all the stops to get us a replacement asap. All going great. Mum rang this morning, yep really looking forward to the move.

    My brother picked her up from the flat, my son and I arrived ahead of them at the home armed with flowers, the cakes the likes, biscuits, etc. etc.

    Well, she got out of the car looking like a bag lady, (she refused to put on the clean clothes I had organised for her, never mind, she's happy).

    Got into her room and she announced she isn't staying. Talk about heart stopping moment, (well 2 hours actually). The staff were fab brought her tea, were really great to her. Then they took her for lunch, and suggested as she was having a right hissy fit with us would be better if we just went. Oh my gosh, it was terrible, I felt awful just doing a runner, and cried all the way home.

    I have telephoned the staff every half hour, they have told me she is fine, (apart from the fact she is going to throttle me), she doesn't remember my brother being there or my son, just me, the bad daughter who has left her. Never mind one guilt monster sitting on my shoulder, I have a full set.

    The nurse in charge just rang to say all is well with her, she has had afternoon tea, and will be going into dinner soon. But she is sat in an easy chair watching the door waiting for me to come back and take her home.

    I am sure loads of you have been through this, and as my brother said we knew it wouldnt be a breeze, but how on earth do you all cope with this. If it wasnt for the fact that she could not stay in her own home anymore and be safe, I would hot foot it back there and pick her up.

    Sorry to ramble on, but any advice on how to cope with this would be gratefully accepted, and when do I have the bottle to go and see her without it causing both of us real trauma.
    Thanks for listening
    Cate
     
  2. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hiya Cate,
    That is how you deal with it - you KNOW that there is no alternative; you are acting in mum's best interest, keeping her safe. Other than that, you cry, you worry, you beat yourself up - and slowly, slowly, it becomes better. She will settle. The NH staff expect to hear from you - they know that you will be worried. Ask their advice on when they feel a visit will be appropriate.
    You will be OK Cate - just give it time.
    Love Helen
     
  3. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,438
    Oh Cate, you'll be pushed though the floor by those guilt monsters.

    No advice, I'm afraid, as I haven't been in this position yet. Might I say, though, that I like your dry sense of humour, and although it might not improve the situation for you, I enjoyed reading your post (the humour, not the content)

    Jennifer
     
  4. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    1,370
    Newport, Gwent
    Hi Helen & Jennifer,

    I know what your saying is right, but Oh it is so hard. I think by bed time I will have earn't myself a bundle of shares in Kleenex.

    The nurse in charge said she would phone me at 7:30pm to let me know how things are going. I knew there was also something missing in my life today, I havent had the usual 15 - 20 phone calls, its like banging your head against the wall, really strange when it stops. I keep waiting for her little voice to say 'whats happening'.

    I know I have to put my faith in the professionals who are now looking after mum, it is sooooo hard to do and soooo strange to hand over that responsibility.

    Will keep you posted on developments. And thank you so much for your words of support.
    Love
    Cate
     
  5. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hiya Cate,
    Maybe we all ought to buy shares - at least then we would all profit from our own tears!
    You are going to need time to adjust. What about going and relaxing in a bubble bath, or having a glass of wine? It will pass the time till 7.30pm .
    Love Helen
     
  6. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Hi Cate,

    it is such a hard thing to have to do, but try and hang on to your faith.

    Jan has been in her care home since November 2001, and she was in the assessment place from the June before that.

    This weekend, five years on, I have been fretting because a meeting was scheduled for tomorrow to discuss Jan's care plan in the light of the fact that the local PCT is opening its own special unit and there was some thought that residents from Jan's home would be moved there. Not that it would be a bad place, but the one thing everyone needs is stability, and i trust her present home.

    I have been petrified that something - funding, home, whatever - would be changed.

    Today I had a call to say the meeting is off. Things will continue as they are.

    Huge sigh of relief.

    Change is stressful. If Mum settles well into her NH, you may well feel the same as I do, as time passes. Stability, good care. All one can hope for!
     
  7. Kathleen

    Kathleen Registered User

    Mar 12, 2005
    639
    West Sussex
    Hello Cate

    You had no choice but to have your Mum cared for in a home, you have done it to make sure she is looked after and above all to keep her safe, so kick that guilt monster away.

    I remember how I felt when we had to do the same for my Mum, it was very hard at first, but she settled very quickly and we visit her as often as we like.

    We are still very much involved in all aspects of her care, she is still our Mum and the staff understand how important it is that we are kept up to date with all aspects of her life in the home.

    I hope your Mum settles well and quickly and I'm sure that after you have visited her a few times, you will relax and feel better about your decision.....I did.

    Thinking of you,

    Kathleen
     
  8. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    16,156
    Toronto, Canada
    Hi Cate,
    Yes, it is so hard and we do feel we haven't been good sons or daughters (been there, done that, still doing it). But you have done the right thing - your mother will be safe now, getting regular meals and medication on schedule, not setting the flat on fire etc etc etc.

    I know it is killing you but have you considered just not going for a few days? And with that, not calling the NH. If you can't do a few days, how about 2 days? It is not just your mother who has to adjust, it is you. She will settle in eventually but you need to settle down also. I know, because when my mother first went into a home, I went 7 days a week. Now, nearly 6 years on, I go twice a week. And when my mother has been horrible (I've posted about that before too), I've taken breaks for a week or two.

    You have done the very best you can. Try to accept that & try to accept it is the disease talking, not your mother, when she says hurtful things.

    {{{{Hugs}}}}
    Joanne
     
  9. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    1,370
    Newport, Gwent
    Thank you all so very much for your support, it really does mean so much to me.

    I have consumed a little vino, and hang the diet gobbled down fish n chips, didnt feel like a thing to eat until hubby walked through the door with it.

    It really is only you folk who know first hand what I am going through today, family and friends have been there for me, but you, you all know where I am coming from.

    I will take your advice and stay away for a little while, I think it will, in the long run, help both mum and I. I had this crazy idea that all would be well, I would be able to trot over to the home tomorrow and take her for a spin in a wheel chair, how dumb am I!

    I've just spoken to the home again this evening, she has eaten a good evening meal, and was about to have supper. Mum has left her post by the door, and returned to her room and is watching t.v.

    I have everything crossed that she will have a good nights sleep, and more than anything stay asleep and not wake in the dark wondering where she is.

    At least I know she will be eating well, and not forget that her meals on wheels is still sitting in the kitchen not touched, and that the toast she made for breakfast is still sitting there at lunch time because she forgot to eat it.

    Thank you all again so much for your support, I'm off for a good long soak in the bath. I still cannot get to grips that I can do this now and know the phone isn't going to ring. In a very odd way, I have missed that today.
    Night all.
    Love
    Cate
     
  10. sheilarees53

    sheilarees53 Registered User

    Apr 11, 2006
    37
    Beckenham Kent
    Dear Cate,

    My mum went into a NH in May and nearly everytime I go to see her she cries and asks me to take her home with me. When I say I can't look after her and that she needs the nurses to look after her she says I don't care and that I don't love her and that no-one wants her anymore. No matter how much I try and reassure her that I love her she is adament that she is a burden and that she would be better off dead.

    I often sit and cry with her, the guilt monster working overtime. I'm sorry things are so hard at the moment and I would be lying if I said it will get better. You are not alone though, there are so many of us going through similar things.

    I am thinking of you. Take care. Love Sheila
     
  11. jakky

    jakky Registered User

    Jan 30, 2006
    147
    Staffs
    Hiya Cate

    You have done very good, and still are.....

    "for mums sake"....
    ....We moved mum into EMI NH in Feb 06, and were advised, to give mum time to settle into a routine and gain awareness of her new surroundings. 7 months later, I`m not saying all`s brilliant, but mum is cared for and looked after. Dad visits often and has regained some "freshness" from some 8 years of taking extremely good care of mum while she was at home.

    Just to ensure you that this is a time adjustment and you may try to take a step back and let others take the lead, give yourself some time to adjust to different ways.
    From my experience only, it was difficult, sometimes painful knowing mum was going into NH, and as time has passed I have kept positive in moving forward, as best I can.

    I do understand, like many others have expressed here on TP,
    and keep ya chin up and stay strong..."for mums sake"

    take care

    jakky
    x
     
  12. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    1,370
    Newport, Gwent
    Hi Everyone

    Thank you very much for your continued support and advice, I have taken it all on board, its all very sound advice from those 'in the know'.

    I had the strangest of nights, in fact I must admit I felt quite lost because the phone didn't ring, and I was awake all night worrying about mum.

    A very good friend dragged me out this morning for some retail therapy, spent a bundle of money I dont have, but hang the expense, I really enjoyed myself, and at times forgot to worry about mum.

    When I came home, the first thing I did was check the phone for any messages, really strange feeling, .... there were none, (abusive or otherwise). So with gritted teeth I rang the NH.

    Last night Mum apparently toddled to the office and asked to use the phone, (wearing dressing gown and hair 'pinned' for the night, normally she would not even answer the front door to somebody she knows in her dressing gown, so she must feel a bit a home), she readily accepted that 'the phones are switched off at night), and toddled back to her room (which she found no trouble at all, - I had tacked to the front of her room door a piece of tapestry she did years ago).

    By all accounts she slept like a baby ALL night, she hasnt done that in years. The nurse told me probably because there is so much going on she didn't cat nap during the day, and had done real justice to all the food put in front of her.

    She is relating well to the staff, (not having much to do with the other residents because 'they are all old people' duh!!). Has asked time and time again to use the phone again, but the staff are diverting her away from this no trouble at all. She has eaten well throughout the day, and has played bingo this afternoon, gosh.

    On the other hand I'm still 'toast' when she gets her hands on me!! The staff have suggested its a good idea that my son and his girlfriend visit tomorrow, but probably best if I stay away for at least a week to 10 days. Thats going to be tough, but the staff are very careing and seemed to have mum sussed out.

    For all that she drove me crazy 24/7 I'm really missing her. But I keep telling myself she is being cared for a million times better than I ever could, and in an emergency it took me an hour to get to her, so that worry has gone now, she is safe.

    I know there will probably be really bad days, and it wont all be positive when I ring, but I do feel, for now anyway, some piece of mind.

    Thank you all again sooooooo much for your kind words of support when I really needed it the most.
    Love
    Cate
    PS Hubby and I going away for the weekend to celebrate my birthday, which was in August, now I can go without worrying what mum has got up to, is she on the floor and cannot get up etc. This is sooooo strange.
     
  13. Kathleen

    Kathleen Registered User

    Mar 12, 2005
    639
    West Sussex
    Hello Cate

    I am really pleased that your Mum seems to be coping well at the moment, those first 10days away from her were the worst for me, I ached to go and see her, but knew I had to stay away, it was best for her that way.....Mum was perfectly alright, of course!

    A lot of things now, we do for Mum's sake, for example we no longer take her out, she just can't cope with the outside world, it is not what we want, but we have to put her needs first.

    We have entered a whole new phase of life with Mum and have adapted and adjusted accordingly, its the only way to go, no amount of fighting against the unfairness and cruelty of her condition is going to help her, she is happy enough most of the time and for that we are truly grateful.

    Have a lovely weekend away, it will do you the world of good.

    Kathleen
     
  14. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    1,370
    Newport, Gwent
    Hi Kathleen

    You are so right, it is a period of adjustment for all of us. I'm just so pleased that she is now safe, and the worst (actually moving her out of the flat) is over.

    I am hoping that we will still be able to enjoy days out. Thank goodness she is now only 6 miles away from me, and not the hours drive it was to her flat, so if all goes well (and at some point she forgives me), it will be so nice to just pop in for an hour after work etc. and be home again in no time at all. The huge plus is no more panic phone calls (crying wolf 99.9% of the time).

    I have to stop myself from phoning the NH every 5 minutes (gosh, I'm turning into my mother!!), wish I was a fly on the wall, just to keep an eye on her.

    Will phone again later though, cannot help myself at the moment.
    Love
    Cate
     

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