This must be an exceptionally hard time for you.

It really is early days. Hopefully your mum will settle.

I'm not speaking from personal experience as my mum and my husband never got to the stage of a care home. Having said that I have read many posts on here by people who have reached the stage you're at. It seems to me that you need to try to take step back and try to get some of that much needed rest.

I'm sure others with more personal experience will be along. Wishing you much strength.

 

I know how hard this can be but please don't give up hope. As you say, it is very early days, it can take some people months to settle - and I guess some never really do. However, they are still in a better situation than living alone and being unable to look after themselves.

Have a chat with the staff and ask how often they think you should visit. Sometimes it is better to back off and let the PWD settle without constant reminders of home.

I hope your mum settles down and is able to remain near to you.

 

Hope you can find the strength to get you through this settling in period. Remember you had no where else to go. The choices we have get less and less as this illness takes over more and more. Take care and try to get some well needed rest.

 

Please do try and get some well earned rest. I know exactly how you are feeling as I reached carers breakdown 8 months ago and had no alternative, but on the doctors advice, had to move my dear mum into care. It has been an incredibly difficult and stressful time for us but I have sort of learned to cope and try and come to terms with the realisation that mum is now safe and being well cared for and, yes, I feel terribly guilty that I could not look after her myself, have shed so many tears and am so distressed to see her decline daily with this awful disease, but like me you will know deep down that you have done the right thing for your mum and now it's time to let the carers look after her. Please keep posting on here. TP has been my lifeline for words of comfort and advice which you will need now more than ever at this difficult time. I hope your mum soon settles in her care home and you can get some rest. Xxxx

 

Such a very difficult time for you, Merename.

I encourage you to have frequent and open conversation with the carers and other staff at the care home. It's a good way to start to form relationships with them. I would definitely not hesitate to ring them anytime you want an update or are feeling anxious.

While it can be very hard to do, in some cases, it is better to decrease frequency and/or duration of visits during the settling in period. Again, I'd talk to the staff and see what guidance and advice they can offer you.

As regards the clinging, that's very distressing. If possible, can you time your visits so that you will leave just as something (a meal or an activity) is beginning, so that it makes a more "natural" end to your visit? Or ask one of the staff in advance to help you, by providing distraction in the form of a cup of tea or something similar.

If your leaving agitates your mum, then you may want to keep goodbyes very short and sweet (like when leaving a reluctant child at school the first time, the quicker you go, the better), or possibly not even announce you're leaving--you're just popping out to the toilet or something. That approach depends, of course, on her memory.

I also found, with my mother, that saying "I will see you Tuesday" or even "I will see you tomorrow" agitated her, as she couldn't keep track of days and got confused and upset trying to do so. Now I always offer a very cheery "see you soon!" and a wave and big smile as I leave, which works better.

And I had to learn to take what my mother told me about the care home with a grain of salt--another good reason to talk to the carers and staff over the phone. If you believed my mother, she was alone in her room with no food, none of her medications, no sight of any other people for days, and bored and miserable. I didn't quite believe it, of course, but it was a real relief to hear the staff tell me that she joined in with activities and made friends and so on. I also sometimes would visit where I just observed, from where my mother couldn't see me, so I could see for myself how she was. I don't know if you will find that helpful, but it's a thought.

My mother is a care home success story. She settled better, and faster, than anyone had hoped, and has really thrived. Maybe most surprisingly to me, she was able to adapt to the care home routine--I wouldn't have believed it until it happened. I only wish I had been able to move her into care sooner (as her prior situation was so poor). I know it doesn't work out for everyone, and we can't predict the future, but I do hope this situation will work for your mother.

Very best wishes to you. Remember, it will take time for you to adjust to the new situation, as well as your mum. Please try to get some rest and look after yourself (much easier said than done, of course).

 

It does take time for someone to settle. Of course it does - if any of us suddenly found ourselves transported to a communal home, and had to adapt to living there, even if we didn't have dementia, it would take us time! Your mum won't know her way around, nothing will be familiar. That takes a bit of time. It took my husband a few weeks to settle in his nursing home. He was apparently fine when I wasn't there, but begged to come with me when I was leaving, the first few weeks.

I learned to, as Amy said, time visits so I was leaving as he was going in to lunch, or if that wasn't possible, I got a carer to take him to the loo and made my escape. I never took my coat or bag in with me, I left them in the car, so he had no visual clues that I was leaving by me gathering up belongings. After a while, my husband believed that I lived there too, and was just elsewhere in the building, busy with something!

It's a heartbreaking time for you, a very hard decision to have to have made. But you have made the decision for your mum's sake, because she needs the care.

 

Hi Merename
What a really difficult time for you, it must be so hard.
Thank you, it is generous and kind of you to share your experience, that those that have not been there can learn from.
I cannot offer advice I'm not at the same place as you, but know the same day will come for me.
I can honestly say reading posts here gives me reassurance and comfort that moving to a care home will be the right decision for my lovely oh so special Mum when the time comes. I would want for her to be safe and cared for 24/7. The many posts provide such worthy advice, definitely worth a read.
I do really hope your Mum settles and your time with her is what you wish for.
Keep posting to update on Mums new home. X

 

I found that frequent, short visits worked much better for us too. That's one of the reasons my husband came to believe that I lived there too! It also didn't give him time to get worked up.
Also, I never actually said goodbye, or made it obvious I was leaving. I'd say something like " I must get the laundry done. I'll see you after a bit. "

 

A little nap in the morning is not a bad thing, as you say the noise and activities and just settling in could be exhausting. Seems like a good idea to pop in at different times, just to ease your worries.

 

Merename, I would say thats a fantastic start. Dementia aside, you would have to be in the right frame of mind, and relaxed enough to sit and knit. How fantastic your Mum can knit. I only wish my Mum could, as when she wants peace & quiet and goes into her room at her CH, apart from staff turning on her TV, there is nothing she can really do to occupy a bit of time. Even looking at magazines now, shes not interested.

Its quite easy to read into everything that other residents tell you. The only ones I would take note of is the care & nursing staff.
Now that Mum has been in care a year, I've very much learnt also to take evything Mum says with a pinch of salt, but if course if its of concern see staff.
Mum settled in well first 7 months, and then she had a couple of UTi's which threw a spanner in the works.
Mum would go around saying she hated the place, hated the staff, hated the people. Not a nice word to say about anyone.
Just the other day, she was telling me she liked the activities co ordinator, and when one of her friends in the CH home asked Mum if she liked all the ladies there, Mum said they were all very nice, and she got on with everyone.

Hope you take some time out for you and your family.
Just keep reminding yourself, that your Mum is in safe hands, 24/7 nursing, fed, and warm.

 

hi MERENAME
personally, I think you did right
you've made sure your mum is being looked after and you need to look after yourself
visiting when you're tensed up isn't wise; not for you or your mum
I know I have missed some visits to dad because I just needed to be on my own that day; to not have to get in the car and then sit with him trying to stay calm and cheerful when I felt anything but - in fact I did that yesterday, and will visit today feeling the better for just having a quiet reading day, which will mean I'm giving off more positive vibes to dad
best wishes

 

Oh Merename.
I so feel for you, it's really tough.
Although I'm not there yet, I do believe it's the safest place for Mum. Reading past posts tells me that Mums will settle over time. Which gives me reassurance, but still doesn't take away the yearning for my or your Mum to come back or for us to make it all better.
Keep giving all the love you are and you are providing the best possible care you ever can for Mum.
Take care of you. X