Mum might be pregnant

[amy2512]

Thank you so much to everyone who has replied. I can't tell you how much your support means to me and to know that there are people out there who also think that this is a horrible situation and are as shocked by everything as I am. Thank you.

Sometimes I find myself doubting myself and what I think because I don't have any support within my Mums family. Mums sister, my Auntie doesn't offer any support other than coming down and seeing Mum once every 4 or five months for a couple of days and then leaving and saying 'well she's not as bad as you make out, I thought she'd be much worse...' Grrrr I'm sure nearly everyone here unfortunately understands how frustarting that is! She also isn't supportive of the boyfriend issue, I rarely talk to her anymore as I made the decision to cease contact (on my part, not that she's noticed!) as she was upsetting me too much criticising what I do for Mum and generally swinging from promising the world, support and understanding with getting Mum away from the boyfriend to actually phoning me up and saying 'I've been talking to 'boyfriend' and we are both horrified at how unhappy your Mum is now YOU'VE moved her out her home and we want the number of social services to talk to them about you'. Gosh sometimes I don't realise how awful it all is till I write it down! So anyway she's no help.

Someone mentioned my brother, in a nut shell he's 'a boy' and my 'little brother'. He's 21. Even when I'm 84 and he's 80 he'll still be seen as younger and therefore his actions are excused! He's been to see Mum twice since she moved two months ago. He doesn't understand and is an incredibly unhappy and messed up person as a result of my dad leaving and mum getting AD. He moved out of Mums house because social services were starting to compile information of how he was 'abusing' her - financial, mental and something else. It's all such a mess, technically he was, but he wasn't. He was behaving with her the same he's always behaved and couldn't understand that he should treat her differently because she has AD.

I have written down all the phone numbers and links that people have very kindly provided me. I have emailed Mums CPN and asked how long it will take for the capacity assesment to be done and will phone her on Monday. I am pushing for the assesment and then I think I will say I want nothing more to do with it and she is a vulnerable adult and they must decide how to protect her and take it forward. Can I do that?

It's just every decision seems to rest solely upon me and yes it sounds terrible what Mums BF is doing to her and I hate it and him. But Mum also 'loves' him. She often comes back from his house happy and refreshed, as well as the bad things she also tells me good things. I am so confused. He raised his children by himself from babyhood, is he really a bad man? He is very old fashioned and controlling. I am so confused, is he bad or is he, in his mind not doing anything wrong. I wish I knew. What I can't bear is the thought that I will have to decide if they can continue seeing each other. I have this mental picture of me and Mum meeting up on the clouds one day and her being so cross and upset that I intefered and ended her relationship and took away something that is so important to her. I want someone else to make the decision. I will happily give statements and my opinion to the police, social services, anyone who asked but I just don't want to be the one who makes the decision.

Does any of that make sense?? I don't think so. Honestly someone said if this was a film it would be scandelous and shocking... I couldn't agree more, sometimes I can't believe this is my life and how complicated and tiring it is. There is layer upon layer, problem upon problem

 

[Winnie Kjaer]

Hello Amy, This is probably going to be one of the few times you will hear me say I think your mother would be better off in a home. She would have the care and attention she deserves and she would not be abused.(hopefully) You would have quality time with your mother and lots more with your children, and his boyfriend if proven to be abusing her would be banned from seing her, if not he would have access to visiting, but perhaps not taking her out. Your brother too could visit but not take her out. I don't know enough about care homes to know if that could be arranged, but I do know that if I was in your shoes, I would want someone to do something for my mother ASAP. I hope you get good respond from the CPN and whoever else you are gong to contact tomorrow. I will be thinking of you.

 

[Helen33]

Dear Amy,

I can imagine that you do doubt yourself sometimes Amy. It is these doubts that enable abuse to continue often because people are so afraid of being wrong. In the case of vulnerable people these things have to be properly investigated to ensure their safety. It needs the authorities to take these matters seriously because if they don't, then how can the general public? I think you are right to say that your mother is someone's responsibility and that you will be holding them accountable in the event of her being made even more vulnerable!!
If you put this in writing then I feel there is a much better chance of the authorities being afraid to disregard this matter in light of current neglect (ie Baby P et al).

Your mother does not necessarily need to be parted from this man but 'safeguarded' which might mean that they meet under supervision until this matter is properly investigated. It would be interesting to see whether this man would want to go to that effort

I am sure that Womens Aid will help you to feel confident that you are doing the right thing but that these steps are very difficult to take and very emotionally charged. You will certainly need very positive support in order to carry this through and I feel fairly confident that Womens Aid will be able to offer you this support.

Love and best wishes

 

[JPG1]

Amy,

Please contact the local-to-you ADULT PROTECTION COORDINATOR, which/who you will find via the link I posted earlier.

http://www.cambridgeshire.gov.uk/social/adultprot/

It means that - if your SS/SW is not listening to your concerns - then the Adult Protection Coordinator is required to do so.

And, as Helen said, it doesn't mean that your Mum and her friend should be parted. It may be that your Mum's friend needs as much help - if not more help - than your Mum is in need of at the moment. And it is possible that if they both get access to the help that should be coming their way, then you may also be assisted to protect your Mum.

This is a very unusual situation, from all that I've read on TP for a while.

So you may need special help in dealing with it all. Have you contacted the Alzheimer's Support Helpline? And if so, have they given you any pointers?

If you haven't contacted them yet, then I can only suggest that you do so tomorrow.

Do not worry about the "ultimate decision" being one that you need to make, and to worry about forever and a day. If the APC (Adult Protection Coordinator and team) considers there to be a problem here, then they will make the decisions. And those decisions should not remain as a burden on your shoulders. They will be decisions made by those who are charged with the responsibility for making such decisions.

I hope that I have not added to your problems. All I ask you to do is to open the doors of communication. And they can only be opened if you ask for that kind of help.

Positive thoughts sent your way.

 

[hazytron]

Amy
I have difficulties dealing with my Mums problems and feel useless and cannot offer any advice other than what has already been said but want you to know how glad I am that you have found TP and hope you find comfort in the support you are receiving from this wonderful site.
Do take care of yourself.
Regards Hazel

 

[Tender Face]

She often comes back from his house happy and refreshed, as well as the bad things she also tells me good things. I am so confused. He raised his children by himself from babyhood, is he really a bad man? He is very old fashioned and controlling. I am so confused, is he bad or is he, in his mind not doing anything wrong.

Amy, this could be part of ‘grooming’. Conversely, it could be that BF is not a bad man but for whatever reasons does not himself understand acceptable boundaries. Some professionals would be hard placed to identify what exactly is going on and why ..... and how best to help (all of you).

I can fully understand you not wanting to make a decision, nor should you even be in a position to be expected to take that call .... but you ever meet in the clouds one day, I am sure your mum would know you were doing your best for her. And if that means seeking all the professional and any other support to help yourselves out of this horrid situation – or handing over the responsibility to ensure her safety - well I am sure she would be hugely proud that you are even able to face all that is being thrown at you,

Please let us know how things are. Thinking of you,

Love, Karen, x

 

[MJW]

abuse

It sounds to me like this man is sexually abusing your mother and I would not hesitate to report him to the police immediately. No well-meaning or "normal" adult male is going to conduct a relationship like this with someone who is deemed "unable to consent" to it.

If your mother is pregnant (although it is more likely to be the menopause at her age)no reasonable doctor would refuse to arrange for her to have a termination, which can be done under general anaesthetic if this would be less traumatic for her. Aside from pregnancy, there is a also a risk of STDs and so probably you should try to arrange a check for those too.

 

[Margaret W]

Hello Amy

How brave of you to tell us all this. It is not a nice story, and not one I have heard before.

It is all well and good people saying report it to the police etc. but your mother thinks it is a fair relationship to be in.

Can I ask a very personal question, but was your mother involved in similar relationships before she got AD? Or is this now the equivalent of the common scenario where men start to display inappropriate sexual behaviour and your mum is doing the same?

It does seem, though, that this boyfriend is severely abusing the situation, and the thought of her having sex with other men for £50 a time is sickening.

You ask if he is a bad man. Well, yes, he is. He might have done lots of good things in the past, but now he is using your mother to give himself sexual gratification and make money. That is prositution. No less. As somebody else said, he may not see it that way, and he might not think it is doing any harm. But it is.

It has to be reported to the social worker at least, if not the police.

And I pray that the pregnancy test is negative.

To talk of an abortion is hopefully premature. That opens up a whole new range of emotions for everyone.

Contact the link that jpg1 gave you. It seems a good starting point.

How lucky she is to have you so concerned for her.

I hope you can resolve this. But if mum wants the relationship to continue, however unsuitable it is, well, I am not sure what you can do. So sad for you.

Margaret

 

[NewKid]

HI Amy, I cannot add much more than what has been written but can also say how much I admire you for writing all this down and pressing send. It is a shocking, complicated and heart-wrenching story and I would agree that in black and white without emotional attachments or doubts it looks plainly like 'abuse' of someone very vulnerable and that the man in question is an abuser.

You must be worried sick, but I like many others reading all this am now very worried about you too - you need help, you cannot be expected to cope and to also try and devote time and love and energy to your own young children.

Sometimes to get official help you might have to threaten to walk away and leave them to it - you might feel guilty about this, but so what compared with sinking without trace. Take care and hope the care and advice from eveyone here helps slightly. x

 

[jc141265]

But Mum also 'loves' him. She often comes back from his house happy and refreshed, as well as the bad things she also tells me good things. I am so confused. He raised his children by himself from babyhood, is he really a bad man? He is very old fashioned and controlling. I am so confused, is he bad or is he, in his mind not doing anything wrong. I wish I knew.

This is the big problem with sexual abuse, for the people being abused, and the people who are trying to decide if the person is being abused, because in my experience and unfortunately I have been the victim myself...the abuser is often technically not a bad person, they don't believe that they are doing anything wrong, they do believe that they love the person that they are abusing.

Even paedophiles often say that they 'love' their victims. I have no doubt that my uncle who abused myself and my sister, loved us. <shudder> And he was in no way, in any other way an evil man. That can make it really hard, because you will never see any sign of guilt in them, they think that what they are doing is natural, caring even. All you do, when you accuse them, is hurt them. As the abusee you can even feel guilty for hurting them in this way! My gawd the confusion that exists, my sister even considered naming her child after my Uncle, it was like we had two different versions in our heads of who he was. Its very hard to reconcile in your head that this person who loves you, gives you gifts, looks after you is bad, you end up feeling like you are the bad person because you are the only person being mean when you say 'stop!'. So your Mum might have similar confusions. However, although the person who is abusing can be innocent in their own mind because they don't know what they are doing is wrong, they must be stopped nonetheless.

So you have to go back to the definition of abuse, and try not to consider whether the person is good or bad. Here's the definition:

Sexual Abuse:
1. The forcing of unwanted sexual activity by one person on another, as by the use of threats or coercion.

2. Sexual activity that is deemed improper or harmful, as between an adult and a minor or with a person of diminished mental capacity.

I hope this makes sense. Its very hard unless you've been there, to understand that a person who abuses isn't simply bad or evil. There are some out there that are, that know what they are doing is wrong, but most don't know. That does not mean that they should be allowed to continue however.

I am shooting straight from the hip here, but please know I completely understand how confusing, worrying and upsetting this is for you. My heart goes out to you and your Mum.

Best wishes,

 

[amy2512]

Update:

Mum is NOT pregnant, can't tell you how relieved I am about that!!!!

Mum is having a capacity assesment done tomorrow and it depends upon the outcome of this as to what happens next. I have been told that while my concerns may well be justified and though it all sounds horrible, the majority of what I am saying is based on 'gut feeling' rather than specific evidence. In terms of 'evidence' I have little if none if you're looking for solid, hold it in your hands type evidence. What I do have are my own concerns and recounts of numerous conversations I have had with Mum and with her boyfriend over the past two years, I have friends of hers (from before AD) who knew/know her very well who all express concern and horror at things that Mum has said/indicated to them over the course of the past couple of years. But that is about it.

I have been told that even if Mum is deemed not to have capacity to consent to the relationship the police might not touch the case as I have no 'evidence' of whats going on, or even if there is anything going on. I have even been told that Mum might be able to continue seeing him without capacity if he is seen to be loving and supportive of her. I am not sure how they would find evidence either for or against it other than talking to him, and he is of course going to charm anyone who speaks to him...

So not much further forward all in all

I feel I am the only one in Mums corner, even she isn't in her corner and I am fighting for something that I don't even know if it needs fighting for

 

[jenniferpa]

Amy I am relieved for you (and your mum). Unfortunately, as you say, that doesn't lead you much further forward, but at least you're getting a new capacity assessment done. Hopefully that will leave you in a stronger position.

Take care

 

[imac.girll1]

Dear Amy

I am so relieved for you and of course your mother that she is not pregnant.

I can't offer any advice, but just wanted to say that I have been following your thread, and delighted to hear of that news.

Don't you just wish some people would listen to gut instincts, especially when it comes down to AD and the other variations.

As the new guidelines for GP's are to listen to parents about what they think is wrong with their children, GUT INSTINCTS as its called, they surely have to extend this also to sufferers aswell, and in all areas of the care part for them.

Good luck

x

 

[Margaret W]

I cannot tell you how much I have worried about you and your mum, and the news that she is not pregnant is so good to hear.

But she is still clearly vulnerable, so take every chance you can to have her assessed. I feel useless to advise. Just hope you get some control over the situation.

Much love to you, this has been a very hard time for you.

Margaret

 

[amy2512]

Morning all,

Well I hardly slept last night I am so anxious about Mum's appointment today. The thing is she has such a beautiful 'social face', she is so welcoming and polite and can seem so 'normal' for want of a better word. I am so worried that she will just give her bog standard answers and smiles and the psychiatrist will believe her, well not believe her, but I'm sure you all understand how frustrating it is when someone comes to visit and they come across so well and happy and normal and as soon as the door closes they revert back to type. Ahhhhhh I could scream.

I just wish someone could fix this whole sorry mess. Thank you for your thoughts and well wishes all. You say you feel useless to advise Margaret, well I feel useless too, I have no idea where I'm going with all this and no idea even if I should be pushing it forward... Sorry I'm quite low today, my little man was up lots in the night and coupled with the worrying I've not had much sleep! As I'm the only one out of Mum's side of the family that is concerned about all this I feel like it's literally me on one side and her sister, my brother and her boyfriend on the other. I've lost my brother and auntie and I'm not even sure why. Her sister has seen her once in six months and my brother twice since she moved here in November. I'm desperate for them to be more involved and see her but they just won't. They talk the talk, 'I miss her so much, I want to be more involved, see her more' so I stand there waving money to put her in a taxi to go and see them, so it's not even like they have to make the effort to come here and they back down and make all the right noises but never actually make the phone call and give a date. They have no idea yet they both blame me for 'taking her away'. Does anyone else ever feel like they are banging there head against a brick wall?? Some times I really genuinely wonder if I'm going mad, why is it that I can see what's going on, how ill Mum is and they totally deny it? Maybe I am just making it all up?!

Sorry for the rant. I'll keep smiling, on the outside anyway