Mum might be pregnant

[amy2512]

Morning everyone,

I haven't posted much about the problems that I am having with Mum, I'm not sure why, there's just so many I guess! But I really need to post this and get a bit of support.

I am guessing that this is highly unusual but here goes...

Mum might be pregnant

It is very complex. Mum is in a relationship with a man. He lives about 1.5 hours away. The realtionship began about 2 years ago. He is an absolute b******. Mum met him after her and my dad split up. Immediately we had concerns about him. He was aggressive towards me and my brother, and just generally not a very nice person and very unwilling to get to know us. Mum was diagnosed shortly after their relationship began. Never has he showen any interest in this, taken her to appointments, spoken to any professionals or supported her in any way with the AD. Mum was telling me very upsetting things about him; she was very upset and he was pressuring her into taking part in sexual acts that she didn't want to (I won't go into too much detail!) I then found evidence that he was wanting her to have sex with his friends and men he'd met and each time 'they' would charge these men £50 and wasn't that a great way for her to get a bit of spending money. This was during a time when mum was quite fixated on money and her perceived lack of it.

Mum at this time had no personal fixed opinion on things, that sounds bad I know, but I hope you all know what I'm trying to say. The AD was effecting her in a way that she just didn't know her own mind, for example she would just agree with whoever had spoken to her last. You could tell her black was white and she'd agree, you could stand outside on a beautiful sunny day with her and comment that the weather was bad today and she'd agree. So it wasn't just as simple as 'just say no Mum!'

The police got involved and wanted to arrest him and then social services got involved and did a capacity assesment on Mum and deemed her to have capacity to consent to the acts within the realtionship, something which I would fully disagree with. The whole thing was dropped and the relationship continues. I have since found out from a friend who works for the Alzheimers Society that Mum's 'case' is now used in group discussions as an example of how social services can mess up the capacity assesments.

So after that long winded background info Mum is still seeing this man. He makes her get the bus every friday from her house to a main bus station an hour away, change buses by herself and get off the bus at a meeting point. He brings her back on Sunday. He is adamant their is nothing wrong with her and what is wrong with her is mainly down to me and my 'treating her like a child'. He is very controlling of her, how she wears her hair, when she is allowed it cut, what she can wear, how she must behave etc etc and insists that he will only talk to me on the phone if I can talk to him with the respect that he deserves. However Mum is very firmly in her routine of going to see him and very much is in love with the idea of having a man. Not so much him, but the idea of being in a relationship and having a man. He is wanting her to sell up and them to buy a house together away from me and her support here. I am opposing this as I have POA and he is very 'anti me' due to that and puts a lot of pressure on Mum to get me to change my mind and in his words 'give him control of all her finances and assets'.

Anyway Mum always moans constantly when she has her period, I mean all the time as I think it's becoming a bit unmanageable for her. I realised she hasn't moaned about it for a long time. I have checked and she's not had it. She is still in her relationship. He makes her take the contraceptive pill as 'there's nothing wrong with her memory'. She hasn't been taking her pill. I have spoken with her CPN about this and we have managed to arrange a 'well woman' check at the GPs for her today. Basically a blood test to see if she's pregnant. Mum doesn't know any of this, she just thinks she's going for a 'well woman' check.

This is all just becoming so unmanageable for me. The new CPN is horrified that Mum is in a relationship with this man, the memory clinic are horrified each time we go and I say they are still seeing each other. Her consultant has written letters to social services stating in his opinion this should be stopped as she is a vulnerable adult and doesn't have the capacity to consent to this. As Mums just moved area we have a new CPN who is arranging a psychiatrist to come and do another capacity assesment on her. What if she's pregnant? What on earth do I do then?

Sorry it all came a bit spilling out! I just feel so overwhelmed by it and the whole sorry mess What if she's pregnant

 

[BeckyJan]

Hello:

What a sadness for you. You must be very young yourself and its dreadful you have to deal with this.

My thoughts are:

Firstly: How old is your Mum? Is it possible she is into menopause?

Secondly: Whether pregnant, menopausal or what, personally I would be writing to the Consultant to ask him to write to HEAD of Social Services saying how your Mum's case has been poorly handled, explaining that the Alz. Group are using this as an example of poor assessment. Get him/her to write but also do a strong letter yourself to the Head of the Department not to the SW herself.

If, sadly, your Mum is pregnant, then surely her GP and Consultant will recommend something suitable to her (and you if you are allowed to discuss it with them).

Others may come along with other thoughts.

 

[Grannie G]

I do hope it`s the menopause Amy. Please let us know.
It must be dreadful for you to see your mother being so used.

 

[Winnie Kjaer]

Dear Amy,
I am sorry to read about this awful situation your mum and you are in. You say your mother has been diagnosed and that the CPN is horrified that she is still in this relationship. If she really does not know what she is agreeing to i would hope that the CPN could establish that from his tests and her bodylanguage and it would then be up to him to take it further ASAP. Hopefully when she goes to the Well clinic they will do a thorough examination to see if see is being roughly abused I don't think a blood test on its own if that is all they aredoing is sufficient. Are you going with her? As others have suggested this could hopefully be due the fact that she is going through the menopause or could it be that she is taking a tablet that does not give her a period instead of the birth control tablets you think she should be taking? Hopefully you will find out soon but I think you have other drastic issues to deal with imminently as well as a possible pregnancy. I really feel for you and your mother.

 

[Helen33]

Dear Amy,

This situation that you are having to cope with is absolutely shocking and I think you are wonderful at trying your best to do something about it. You must have been (are) stressed at the highest levels on so many counts with regard to all this and I sincerely hope that Talking Point helps alleviate that stress even if in some minor way

I will be hoping, along with you and everyone else, that your mother isn't pregnant and I dread to think of what you will all have to endure if she is Naturally, your mother will also be at high risk of any sexually contracted disease and I'm sure the GP will arrange for tests.

If this were to be shown as a film it would be scandalous and shocking and I feel that your mother should not be made financially vulnerable as well by this man

I do hope that you will get all the help and support that you need Amy. These are very big things to deal with alone. Do you have a good lawyer. Perhaps the Alzheimers Society might be able to help in this area?

Sending love and a (HUG) and my utmost respect for coping with such massive problems.

 

[mowood]

Amy,

I was feeling sorry for myself and then I read your post. You must be beside yourself with worry and I cannot imagine how it must be for you. I think you must be a very strong and caring daughter to be able to deal with all this.

I hope your mum isn't pregnant and that you can get some help in protecting her from this parasite.

All good wishes x

 

[amy2512]

Thank you so much everyone for all your kind words and support, it was just what I needed!

In answer to a couple of questions Mum is 51, so yes, chances are she is going through the menopause, but there's always that chance, and now I've thought of the small chance of her being pregnant I can think of little else!

Helen, do I have a good lawyer? No, I have no idea where I'd even go about finding one who could help deal with this kind of thing...and to explain it all to them, it's all so complicated!

I agree the Alz Society might be able to help, and were very helpful when we were involved with the police last time but I think they got their fingers burnt and a slap on the wrist the last time so I have been reluctant to call them. Plus now Mum has moved area we'd be dealing with a different branch. And to be perfectly honest sometimes I get so exhausted and frankly fed up explaining everything time and time again to different 'officials' I really haven't got the energy to kick everything off again. Which sounds terrible I know, but I honestly feel so out of my depth and I hate every second of it. I just want to concentrate on my little boys who are so little and they're being pushed aside all the time so I can do things for Mum - fix things, find things, buy things, take her places, organise carers, have meetings, manage her finances. I hate it all.

I should be writing letters and shouting down the houses for her. I know I should. I good daughter would be. I should be trying to protect her, but it's so hard to protect someone who doesn't know they need protecting. I am so stressed all of the time and just want to focus on my children. I feel like I am being pulled in a million different directions and there just isn't enough of me to go around. My littlest is just learning how to crawl and I want to be their mummy one hundred percent, not spending all my time, all their early years dealing with Mum stuff. That sounds so horrible, I'm sorry

 

[christine_batch]

Dear Amy,

Your's is such sad story but when you have little ones, in my personal opinion they come first.

As much as you want to be there for your mother, your children need you.

Have you tried writing everything down to safe reputition?

Sending you a big hug.

Christine

 

[Skye]

Dear Amy, it doesn't sound horrible at all. Of course your children are your priority, you wouldn't be normal if they weren't.

It does sound as if your mum at 51 is more likely to be menopausal than pregnant, but obviously you need to find out. I hope the results of the tests are good.

But I do think you need to take steps to protect your mum from this man. I'd say she definitely qualifies as a vulnerable adult.

I think the suggestion of consulting AS was probably to try the national helpline, rather than a local branch. There's a link top right on this page, and the helpline number is 0845 300 0336.

You could also try your local Citizens' Advice Bureau. If they can't help, I'm sure they'd point you in the direction of someone who could. Or Princess Royal Trust?

You shouldn't be having to fight this yourself. There must be someone out there who can sort it out for you.

Let us know how you get on, I'll be waiting to hear.

All the best,

 

[Sam Iam]

Amy,
You have nothing to appologise for as you being pulled in all directions except the one you want to go.
Does your brother not help in any way?
For if he does, even just going to a lawyer with you would be an excellent help.
Amy hopefully in a few weeks and days this will sort itself out and you mum will be going through the menopause (finger's crossed)

 

[DozyDoris]

Hi Amy, take a look at this link http://www.womensaid.org.uk/
They are a fantastic organization who can offer lots of help and support, your Mum is suffering domestic abuse at the hands of this man, abuse is not just about violence. They can help put you in touch with legal reps etc who specialize in this field and offer support, both to you and maybe at some point your Mum.
Do you have any support for yourself Amy, this is an awful lot to carry on your own? Just make sure you look after YOU!!!
Jane xx

 

[Amber 5]

Dear Amy,
I can't imagine how awful this situation is for you, let alone your mum. I also can't believe that Social Services deemed she had the capacity to make those sort of decisions when she already has a diagnosis of Alzheimers - what on earth happened to protecting her and care of duty? Anyway, I know it's not helpful to dwell on what has been, but hope things will move on after the pregnancy test results. I hope and pray that the 'well woman' check gets the appropriate support kicked into gear. If the CPN and memory clinic and GP can back you up, then surely something can be done to help for her future safety and protection. It's not something for you to feel guilty about or apologise for, you need some help and support with this.

I sincerely hope that things will improve very soon for you and your little ones. Take care.
lots of love,
Gill

 

[Canadian Joanne]

Hello Amy,
I am truly horrified about your mother's story. I understand how tired you are and how you desperately want to spend more time with your children.

I think printing out your initial post would be one way to give information to people without repeating yourself over and over. But I really feel you and your brother must get your mother away from this man.

What about a new assessment, particularly if the CPN is horrified? If the police wanted to arrest him, perhaps this information would cause the social services to revise their opinion regarding your mother's capacity, particularly as the initial handling of her resulted in it being held up as a prime example of a messed up assessment.

This is all just becoming so unmanageable for me. The new CPN is horrified that Mum is in a relationship with this man, the memory clinic are horrified each time we go and I say they are still seeing each other. Her consultant has written letters to social services stating in his opinion this should be stopped as she is a vulnerable adult and doesn't have the capacity to consent to this. As Mums just moved area we have a new CPN who is arranging a psychiatrist to come and do another capacity assesment on her. What if she's pregnant? What on earth do I do then?

I think if you get a new assessment, you will have a very different result this time.

In the meantime, do you think that changing your mother's phone number would help?

Please keep us updated and I hope that the assessment is soon and that man is banned from any contact with your mother.

 

[Helen33]

Dear Amy,

I am so glad that you were able to post a response to us. It helps us to know you and to be able to offer better support You certainly don't sound horrible at all. Because of the situation you are in with little children and one only at the crawling stage, it makes it all the more scandalous that you are having to cope with this alone I know just what you mean about being sick of trying to battle this because it is so complicated. This is why you need some professional to help alleviate you of the burden - because a burden it certainly is

I think Womens Aid, suggested by Dozy Doris, is a good possibility because they are very competent and committed at supporting vulnerable women. I may be wrong, but I suspect that they would be able to access legal support too. You don't need to take any massive steps because you have enough on with your little ones but you do need to take tiny steps in the right direction because this problem is not going to go away. The first tiny step is to try to source help that will help take the burden off you.

Sending love and a (HUG)

 

[BeverleyY]

Hi

I am really saddened by your story and what has happened to your Mum.

Surely she can be protected from this pig of a man. It might not be a pleasant journey to get her away from him and into some form of protective care but you have to do all you can to ensure this blatant abuse stops.

I really and truly feel so sorry for you and your family.

I hope that you find the help and support you need.

Beverley x

 

[Kendra]

If only the people who make wrong decisions about competence were were made to live and deal with the results!
I do hope you get the support you need.

Just wondering if you have POA can you take out a restraining order on him regarding the entire family in your care - this would include your mum?
He might fight it in court but that would give you time to set up other safeguards and it would bring him to the attention of the police.

Just guessing here, but the menstrual cycle shuts down if a woman is over or underweight, ill or stressed.
Hoping that your Mum's body thinks she is aging early due to her illness and has begun the switch off.

Kendra

 

[Libby]

Hello Amy

I feel so sorry for you, and so angry for your mum – that someone is allowed to abuse her ( and I don’t see how it can be seen any other way) and allowed to get away with it is just too shocking for words.

At a time when you should be enjoying watching your young children grow and develop, instead, you find yourself having to try and protect your mum from this vile man.

I do hope that all the suggestions you’ve had so far are able to help you – it’s awful that you seem to be doing it all by yourself.

Does your mum have any other family or good friends, that you could call on – get them to invite her away for a week – give her space away from him? Could someone call round, just when she is getting ready to go out for the bus and distract her so she doesn’t go?

I really hope that something is sorted Amy and do take care of yourself

Libs

 

[JPG1]

Amy,

The picture you paint of your Mum's circumstances is truly horrible, and I think that is roughly what most people have said in their replies so far, to your story.

Your Mum is a vulnerable adult, so there is somewhere in your part of Cambridgeshire a team/unit/department (or more than one) who are meant to be responsible for the protection of vulnerable adults, in the same way there are teams responsible for the protection of vulnerable children.

I don't know where in Cambridgeshire you live, so your starting point may be one of the phone numbers listed on this link. Click on it and I hope you find a phone number that may help you, and your Mum.

http://www.cambridgeshire.gov.uk/social/adultprot/

Take care,

 

[Trying my best]

Dear Amy,

I have no words to describe how horrible you situation is! I am not surprised that you don't know where to start.

I agree with others that you need to get on to social services now, and ring them incessantly until they do something to protect an adult who is clearly so vulnerable and is being abused/raped, even if she is not always able to understand or communicate what is happenning to her. It may also be worth contacting the police to find out if there is any way that they can take action.

I think the suggestion that you call Women's Aid is also a good one. If they can't help you themselves them may be able to refer you to an agency who can.

I know a tiny fraction of what you are going though, as my mum started a relationship soon after she started to show significant deterioration, with a man who she would never have become involved with before. She too was quite recently bereaved and he moved in with her within a matter of weeks of their first meeting, a few weeks after my son was born. At the time, I was shocked and more than a little suspicious, and I admit that I was all over him like a rash as a result! I now realise how lucky we were. He turned out to be a kind and well-meaning man, who was genuinely fond of my mum, and we still keep in touch with him.

Please don't feel guilty about what you haven't been able to do, and for being exhausted and wanting to spend time with your babies. You have far too much to deal with to be able to do it all on your own. As someone else has asked, can your brother help?

 

[Tender Face]

It is a terrible but sad fact that sometimes a pregnancy becomes the ‘proof’ of the abuse of vulnerable people.

Let’s hope that is not the situation, Amy .... and if indeed you mother was pregnant, then a lot of questions would be asked ..... hardly a ‘silver lining’ ....

Please don’t berate yourself for anything ... and if you can, enjoy all the mischief and joy your own bring into your world ..... do you have a Health Visitor/Social Worker you can discuss this with from your own perspective and the impact on you and your own children? You may find that’s another route to securing help for you and mum ....

Thinking of you (and mum), Karen, x