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Mum lost a fight yesterday


Registered User
Jul 4, 2013
Mum lost her fight against dementia yesterday age 77, where she was reduced to no more than a helpless baby after being such a strong powerful capable woman, what a shame for human society to have this condition in our midst, but the care and help for dementia patients is pretty sub standard as a civilised society, they did not want to give pain relief...we dont think she is in pain. She could not swallow so she could not drink or eat or clear her saliva so effectifly she was left to drown, in a condition that there is no recovery from are we wrong to want a more peaceful ending for us all to bear, although we lost her to dementia the harrowing scene's we watched her go thro will haunt me forever, where are these end of life care teams????? I only got a visit from the Dr cos I kicked off as she could not take her medicine orally and she had bad shoulders, in the last 48 hours she was awarded a morphine patch.
This level of caring is not what I thought we would get in a care home.:(


Registered User
Aug 30, 2012
Brixham Devon
Dear Ioza,

I'm so sorry that you have lost your Mum. I'm also very sad that she experienced substandard care. None of that is your fault-you fought for her and cared for her.

Now is the time to try and remember her as she was before Dementia took her.

I wish you continued strength for the coming weeks and months

Do try to take care of yourself

Love from



Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
I'm so sorry to read of your mum's passing and of the horrors she and you faced at the end. Sending my deepest sympathy.


Registered User
May 7, 2014
sorry to hear about the loss of your mum...Its awful to hear that she was in pain, so sorry for you all..x


Registered User
Nov 9, 2009
Dear Ioza,so sorry for the torment you must be feeling over your mums passing and the loss of the mum she was, I am so sorry that her physical needs were brushed aside, but in her heart i am sure she was with you,may you both feel peace now and strength for you and your family in the days ahead

Grandma Joan

Registered User
Mar 29, 2013
Sympathies to you Ioza.

Dying isn't easy, whether it's Ca, Heart Disease, whatever. I watched my Dad pass away this time last year and like your Mum he became unrecognisable at the end. Such a big man with a healthy appetite, living life to the full. Such a horrible disease.

Please don't feel alone, many of us have had to watch our loved one pass away with this horrible disease and I felt too that society had let him down.

As a family we did whatever we could to relieve his torment, anger, confusion, terror, but having never experienced such an illness before we needed the help of caring, experienced individuals and certainly felt all the services were seriously lacking.

I do hope that this service provision will improve and more training will be available for GP's, Mental Health Nurses & Consultants, Care Homes etc.

Take care, your grief will be overwhelming at the moment, but you will find ways of coping with your loss.
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Registered User
Oct 26, 2014
Dear Ioza,

Know that my thoughts are with you at this very sad time. Dementia in all its many forms is a horrible disease. I am only at the beginning of the journey with my mum but I hate the way in which it seems to be 'changing' her.

A big hug coming your way!


Registered User
May 17, 2014
West Sussex
Dear Ioza, my loving thoughts to you and to your mum for her onward journey. I am really distressed to hear of her lack of care at the last. I have just posted for someone else that in these days of advanced pain relief, there is no excuse for anyone to be in pain. Nor indeed is there any excuse for not managing someone's passing. It simply requires the will, and the staff to care, that's all. You probably don't feel like protesting about anything right now, but I think IMHO you should pass on your thinking about how poorly your mum was treated when you feel able.
i absolutely agree with you that we need a long hard look at how we deal with the inevitability of passing for people who are near death and for whom it is all too easy to leave them alone and uncared for. Everyone has the right to a passing with dignity and peace. X :)


Registered User
Jan 14, 2010
East Kent
Dear Ioza
I am sorry to read of your mum's passing
I am terribly sorry that your Mum did not receive good Palliative care .
My thoughts are with you at this sad and difficult time.

When you feel able you may wish to complain about the poor care your mum received ,instead of being given a dignified pain free end that we all wish our loved ones to have.

I have lit a candle for you and your Mum
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Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
Radcliffe on Trent
Dear Ioza

Before I saw this one, I posted on another thread about how hard the vigil is as the last days come. I am very sorry that it was so distressing for you and your mum at the end. Now I feel almost lucky that my mum's passing was so peaceful. She was in a care home too but I couldn't fault her care or that of the GP and DN who managed her pain relief with great skill. So it is possible, but best practice needs to be spread more widely.

My condolences to you and your family.


Registered User
May 20, 2009
I'm so very sorry loza.
Wishing you strength in the coming weeks.

Love Geum xxxxx


Registered User
Dec 25, 2012
I am so sorry to hear your sad and also very disturbing news, you have every right to feel angry, but you shouldn't have to deal with these feelings along with your grief, take care xx