Mum looking unkempt in care home

[PinkSheep]

The last few visits to mum in her care home (she has only been there 7 weeks), she has been looking increasingly unkempt. She was moved to the dementia unit from residential after 3 weeks and has struggled with some people who have challenging behaviour on her unit, they were looking to move her to the other dementia ward (which is busier) but she refused to go. Actually I think the unit she is on is quieter (in terms of less people) and a bit calmer so it is perhaps better for her, but there are not many people to make friends with as they are all quite advanced - I think it will get busier so this may change.

Anyway, each visit (still in a pod) has been difficult and she cries and says she is so lonely, there is no one to talk to, nobody treats her like a person and they don't 'care for her', she says 'they are not carers' they rush around and are never there. Now I know to take it with a pinch of salt and am sure that this is not all true - but there is an element of truth in everything she says. The senior says she is often in her room - pottering - and refuses to join in activities which is not good.

Today she was saying that she has money and please can I find somewhere better for her (she didn't ask to go home) so I think she is unhappy, but how much to believe? One carer was quite belligerent last week and when mum said they don't do anything, she shouted in from outside the door 'only wash and get you dressed and give you meals' in a very snarky way.

My main issue is that on top of mum appearing unhappy she looks very unkempt. She has been wearing someone elses slippers for a week - despite me telling them. She had no socks on today and took the slipper off as it was hurting and the slipper was stuffed full of tissue (probably coz they don't fit!) and her feet looked v sore. Her hair looked greasy, and her teeth didn't look they had been cleaned. She always has food down her trousers (which I can forgive as it may be due to mealtimes). She says she has no clothes in her room, and I suspect she gets up early and dresses herself - but surely they should check? Especially on a day I am visiting!!!

The worst thing was her fingernails with were filthy (with I dread to think what!) and they had painted her nails a couple of weeks ago and left them to all chip off - that doesn't bother me as much as the dirty nails.

I could live with her complaints if I thought she was been well looked after, but the evidence is to the contrary. The manager has just left (had been there 6 years and is staying with the company to run a brand new home) and they have promoted her deputy who has been there 3 years, so I guess that is some consistency.

I am at the point of thinking I may need to look for another home, they have not filled me with confidence so far. I really don't want to move her but I don't like seeing the poor level of care, especially when paying £950 per week.

I plan to email the new manager next week to address all my issues and will see what happens.

Does anyone else have similar experiences? Is this the sign of a bad home or just one of those things? It's so hard with covid never having been in. They seem to put nice pics on Facebook - but mainly of the residents (not so much dementia) and when mum was upset the other week on a visit, they took her round the garden and then posted photos but I had asked for her to be taken out everyday and I don't think this is happening - seems like it is just for show/to appease me.

Anyway, all thoughts, suggestions, consolations welcome!

 

[Palerider]

Its very difficult to know how things are in a care home as I have found myself, but rather than deminish what someone with dementia is trying to tell you , keep an open mind. Mums first care home was horrible and I had a few battles after I realised what was happening with mum, and she did try to tell me in her own way. The care home gave notice after my intervention and cmplaint and to be honest I was glad they did, it made moving mum somehwre else alot easier but with some stress in finding the right place.

 

[Sarasa]

Sorry things are such a worry @PinkSheep. I think I would also be concerned if my mother was looking so unkempt. There have been times when mum's hair has looked dreadful, but I know persuading her to shower is/was a challenge. However she usually looks well turned out, even if it is in someone else's clothes and they obviously do care, as she has nicely painted nails most of the time.
I think an email to the new manager outlining the points you've mentioned here would be a start I think I would also look around to see if there is another home that might be a better fit for your mum. When I moved mum into care I went for a place that looks like a posh hotel as my mum is a terrible snob and I thought she'd find that more acceptable than an older type home. It's a good place, and mum is as happy as she could be. We are moving soon over a hundred miles away and I will probably move mum nearer our new place sometime in the next year or so. I'm happy with her current home, but I now feel I know so much more about what to look for in a home than I did when I moved her to this one.

 

[Bunpoots]

It must be so difficult @PinkSheep not being able to visit and check for yourself how well your mum is being looked after. I'm sure it's not always possible to have everything perfect but if your mum looks dirty and her feet are sore I think that's reason for concern. Add to that the belligerent attitude of the carer and I would be looking carefully to see if it is the right place to keep your mum happy.

 

[Bikerbeth]

I read your first two paragraphs and started on the third up to where you said ‘ but how much to believe?’ I thought that sounded exactly like my Mum.
I was concerned that Mum never had socks on until the day I was taking Mum to the hospital and the Carer said she had refused to wear any. I tried on arrival at the hospital 20 mins later to put her socks on and she did basically told me where I could shove them. On visits I mentioned she might be warmer with her socks on but she tells me she is ok. So now I don’t worry.
However although she now hates having showers most of the time she is mostly persuaded, her hair although long now due to no hairdresser allowed in currently is always tidy and brushed. It is not often that she has clothes on that are not hers. Occasionally they have food marks on but not too often.
Pre COVID I was walking 1 to 2 miles with Mum 3 x a week so I asked if Mum could have a walk in the garden each day. With staff sickness and staff shortages especially last year it just did not happen. Do make sure it is in your Mum’s care plan though.
Just a thought if you are emailing the Manager to address your issues perhaps suggest having a phone call to discuss them as well. Sorry if you were already going to do this. I just found for me at least I had a paper trial but sometimes the discussions helped to throw up some other ideas. I would then if the Manager didn’t summarise the discussion and any action plan.
Meanwhile you can as suggested have a look around for other ones.

 

[Banjomansmate]

Of course you always have to remember that the staff can only offer to help your Mum get washed, dressed and all other personal care, if she refuses they cannot make her do anything. It might take time for them to learn how best to achieve the right results. The Banjoman, who used to be so particular about his looks, would often be unshaven with his hair all over the place when I went to visit, always unannounced, then one day he was scrubbed up, clean and shiny and a carer came into his room and said “ He looks good today, yes? He let me give him a shave today!” She was obviously delighted that he had accepted her help for once!

 

[Quizbunny]

Even allowing for the possibility that your mum is not particularly compliant when it comes to washing and dressing, I would not be happy that she is wearing someone else’s slippers and that they are stuffed with paper, particularly as you have already pointed this out. I am afraid dirty fingernails are my line in the sand, and I have in the past, when I was allowed to visit and could see the state of them, pointed this out.

 

[MartinWL]

Even allowing for the possibility that your mum is not particularly compliant when it comes to washing and dressing, I would not be happy that she is wearing someone else’s slippers and that they are stuffed with paper, particularly as you have already pointed this out. I am afraid dirty fingernails are my line in the sand, and I have in the past, when I was allowed to visit and could see the state of them, pointed this out.

I agree with this, there are too many signs of poor care here. A chat with the manager is of course your first step, perhaps a formal ( outdoor) meeting with the manager?

 

[Evie5831]

I feel your pain, it’s so hard to work out if my Mum has all the facts straight BUT I always believe her as there is always truth in what she says if not in all of it. It is too easy to dismiss loved ones claims that these things are happening but having spent my career working with children and young adults with severe needs I have found that if they need to tell you something you need to listen.
The care home manager can look into the things you say and come back to you with the full story which will hopefully put your mind at rest or give you the justification of moving your mum to a place better suited to her needs.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @PinkSheep

I wouldn`t be happy about this home at all.

If the staff have time to paint your mother`s fingernails they have time to make sure they are clean.

 

[Susan11]

No it doesn't sound good to me either. When Mum was in her CH she was always clean when we visited and they didn't know when that would be. Sometimes her hair was a bit tousled but it depended on whether she'd seen the hairdresser recently. Sometimes she was wearing someone elses top but that happens in CHs . I felt they treated Mum with respect. On one occasion when we were visiting she was taken to the toilet and returned with different shoes on. What I hadn't realised was that she'd had a bit of an accident but rather than make a fuss or have her wondering around in wet shoes they'd popped down to her room and got her some clean pants and replaced the shoes. They always seemed to care no matter who was on duty. I think I would talk to the manager.

 

[PinkSheep]

Thank you all for your comments and thoughts, that is really helpful. I am emailing the new manager today with clear points I want her to address and will ask for an outdoor meeting or phone call to discuss to follow up. I am also starting the search again so I have a few places ready if we need to move her. I am seeing mum again on Wed so at least I can gauge her mood fairly soon. As many have said there is always an element of the truth in there, even though everything might not be accurate! So hard with covid not being about to visit homes in person to check them out. Thanks everyone

 

[deepetshopboy]

The last few visits to mum in her care home (she has only been there 7 weeks), she has been looking increasingly unkempt. She was moved to the dementia unit from residential after 3 weeks and has struggled with some people who have challenging behaviour on her unit, they were looking to move her to the other dementia ward (which is busier) but she refused to go. Actually I think the unit she is on is quieter (in terms of less people) and a bit calmer so it is perhaps better for her, but there are not many people to make friends with as they are all quite advanced - I think it will get busier so this may change.

Anyway, each visit (still in a pod) has been difficult and she cries and says she is so lonely, there is no one to talk to, nobody treats her like a person and they don't 'care for her', she says 'they are not carers' they rush around and are never there. Now I know to take it with a pinch of salt and am sure that this is not all true - but there is an element of truth in everything she says. The senior says she is often in her room - pottering - and refuses to join in activities which is not good.

Today she was saying that she has money and please can I find somewhere better for her (she didn't ask to go home) so I think she is unhappy, but how much to believe? One carer was quite belligerent last week and when mum said they don't do anything, she shouted in from outside the door 'only wash and get you dressed and give you meals' in a very snarky way.

My main issue is that on top of mum appearing unhappy she looks very unkempt. She has been wearing someone elses slippers for a week - despite me telling them. She had no socks on today and took the slipper off as it was hurting and the slipper was stuffed full of tissue (probably coz they don't fit!) and her feet looked v sore. Her hair looked greasy, and her teeth didn't look they had been cleaned. She always has food down her trousers (which I can forgive as it may be due to mealtimes). She says she has no clothes in her room, and I suspect she gets up early and dresses herself - but surely they should check? Especially on a day I am visiting!!!

The worst thing was her fingernails with were filthy (with I dread to think what!) and they had painted her nails a couple of weeks ago and left them to all chip off - that doesn't bother me as much as the dirty nails.

I could live with her complaints if I thought she was been well looked after, but the evidence is to the contrary. The manager has just left (had been there 6 years and is staying with the company to run a brand new home) and they have promoted her deputy who has been there 3 years, so I guess that is some consistency.

I am at the point of thinking I may need to look for another home, they have not filled me with confidence so far. I really don't want to move her but I don't like seeing the poor level of care, especially when paying £950 per week.

I plan to email the new manager next week to address all my issues and will see what happens.

Does anyone else have similar experiences? Is this the sign of a bad home or just one of those things? It's so hard with covid never having been in. They seem to put nice pics on Facebook - but mainly of the residents (not so much dementia) and when mum was upset the other week on a visit, they took her round the garden and then posted photos but I had asked for her to be taken out everyday and I don't think this is happening - seems like it is just for show/to appease me.

Anyway, all thoughts, suggestions, consolations welcome!

Id be looking at moving her if shes really unhappy
Also if she’s looking unkempt she really should not be at the very lesst should be looking cleanish
I know trying to keep my dad clean is a battle he wipes food down himself etc straight after changing him he wont bath or wash now properly
But im sole carer for my dad and dedication is to him like looking after a child /baby or 20 ?
I know some of these homes dont have enough staff
If your lucky to be self funded id be looking at different homes with enough staff /entertainment
Tbh most homes ive been in especially when its dementia unit the patient just seems to left to their own devices no entertainment not enough staff tv blaring all day etc
Just my opinion after being in 3 care homes with close family experience
It’s heartbreaking as drs etc all pressureing me to put my dad in a home and tbf he does need 24 hour care which im providing im exhausted sole carer no help just one stress after another has been hell for two yrs for me and destroyed my life but knowing that he needs or will probably go into a home makes me ill

 

[Frank24]

I had this experience this week. It was the first time since July I've seen my Mum in an indoor environment. Im not sure how compliant with care she is, as she is unable to move, and when I have the CHC assessment phone call the lady mentioned casually that mum was non compliant. Last time I thought she looked a bit scruffy but I was sat in an outside box with plastic sheeting, and not that easy to see (especially through tears!) This time I noticed Mum was sat in a top with multiple holes in and was wearing a pair of pj bottoms. Also didnt think that the slippers were mums and noticed some sort of stain on them. I've made a bit of a fuss, and placed an order for all new clothing and requested that items clearly past their best are thrown away. I do understand that normally family would do this when they visit - but as we aren't allowed into the rooms currently its a bit impossible. Just very sad to see my Mum looking like that. They were nice about it and responsive and I am sure that they feel I am moaning about nothing.

 

[PinkSheep]

I had this experience this week. It was the first time since July I've seen my Mum in an indoor environment. Im not sure how compliant with care she is, as she is unable to move, and when I have the CHC assessment phone call the lady mentioned casually that mum was non compliant. Last time I thought she looked a bit scruffy but I was sat in an outside box with plastic sheeting, and not that easy to see (especially through tears!) This time I noticed Mum was sat in a top with multiple holes in and was wearing a pair of pj bottoms. Also didnt think that the slippers were mums and noticed some sort of stain on them. I've made a bit of a fuss, and placed an order for all new clothing and requested that items clearly past their best are thrown away. I do understand that normally family would do this when they visit - but as we aren't allowed into the rooms currently its a bit impossible. Just very sad to see my Mum looking like that. They were nice about it and responsive and I am sure that they feel I am moaning about nothing.

Sorry to hear that - it is a bit of a shock isn’t it ? Such an easy thing for them to get right too. I emailed the manager with all my concerns and she put it through as a complaint so we will see what happens. Ironically when I visited on Thursday they still hadn’t taken off her old nail polish!!!! Despite mentioning it twice now. I am looking round at new homes for a Plan B. First visit inside tomorrow so will try and glean more about what it is like. Sounds like the home listened to you, so I hope they get it sorted.

 

[PinkSheep]

Id be looking at moving her if shes really unhappy
Also if she’s looking unkempt she really should not be at the very lesst should be looking cleanish
I know trying to keep my dad clean is a battle he wipes food down himself etc straight after changing him he wont bath or wash now properly
But im sole carer for my dad and dedication is to him like looking after a child /baby or 20 ?
I know some of these homes dont have enough staff
If your lucky to be self funded id be looking at different homes with enough staff /entertainment
Tbh most homes ive been in especially when its dementia unit the patient just seems to left to their own devices no entertainment not enough staff tv blaring all day etc
Just my opinion after being in 3 care homes with close family experience
It’s heartbreaking as drs etc all pressureing me to put my dad in a home and tbf he does need 24 hour care which im providing im exhausted sole carer no help just one stress after another has been hell for two yrs for me and destroyed my life but knowing that he needs or will probably go into a home makes me ill

Sounds like you are working very hard looking after your Dad. Although it’s not been perfect since mum went into the home, I am less stressed knowing she is there - still worried 24/7! But gradually getting less stressed. So if you need to go down the route of a home, you may find you can turn a corner & have a bit of breathing space.

 

[jennifer1967]

my nan went into a home and they painted her nails red. shes never her painted her nails and she thought that only loose girls wore red nail varnish. it was still there when she died a couple of weeks later so i got the undertaker to remove it. pink or something light would have been more appropriate.

 

[Moggymad]

Sorry to hear that - it is a bit of a shock isn’t it ? Such an easy thing for them to get right too. I emailed the manager with all my concerns and she put it through as a complaint so we will see what happens. Ironically when I visited on Thursday they still hadn’t taken off her old nail polish!!!! Despite mentioning it twice now. I am looking round at new homes for a Plan B. First visit inside tomorrow so will try and glean more about what it is like. Sounds like the home listened to you, so I hope they get it sorted.

Sadly such issues & more may become apparent once families can get in to visit loved ones properly. In our case the home failed its CQC inspection & went into special measures. The signs were there but at the time we just compensated by sorting issues out ourselves.
I think you are wise to follow up on your concerns just in case.

 

[Frank24]

Sorry to hear that - it is a bit of a shock isn’t it ? Such an easy thing for them to get right too. I emailed the manager with all my concerns and she put it through as a complaint so we will see what happens. Ironically when I visited on Thursday they still hadn’t taken off her old nail polish!!!! Despite mentioning it twice now. I am looking round at new homes for a Plan B. First visit inside tomorrow so will try and glean more about what it is like. Sounds like the home listened to you, so I hope they get it sorted.

Thanks Pinksheep. I’m hoping that it can get sorted, but felt shocked and a bit disappointed ?