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Mum keeps saying 'I want to go home'

Discussion in 'Middle - later stages of dementia' started by Willow jen, May 11, 2015.

  1. Willow jen

    Willow jen Registered User

    Apr 7, 2014
    3
    My 90 year old mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and vascular dementia 18 months ago and has been in a care home, a couple of miles from me, ever since. Mum is immobile and rarely leaves her room. She settled pretty well but is deteriorating lately, and keeps saying she wants to 'go home'. I can understand that ' home' might be her way of seeking a feeling of safety but I don't know what is the most comforting thing to say to her. Sometimes I find myself saying 'you are at home, mum' but it has no effect. Any suggestions?
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,659
    Kent
    Hello WillowJen

    Try, `we`ll go tomorrow`. It might work. Or you could try , `it`s too cold, too dark, too windy, raining`, anything which your mother might feel will be uncomfortable.

    It`s a terrible state because I know how upset she`ll be and how upsetting it is for you, but there is no point trying to convince her she is already at home.

    I hope one of these suggestions help.
     
  3. katie1

    katie1 Registered User

    Aug 5, 2014
    122
    Kendal Cumbria
    My Dad said this regularly "Lets go home" "I want to go home now" and used to ring me up and ask and sometimes almost plead with me to take him home.....all when he was AT home! It seems to be a common phase or trait of the condition. I would just try and distract him or ask him what was good about home or what is at home, or start one of his old addresses off and he would complete it, or sometimes sing a song about home. It could be annoying but Id try and keep lighthearted and positive and work with it rather than negatively against it. Just accept it as best you can and work with it if possible. Theres probably lots of other advice on this very theme on this site!
    But its all easier said than done. Dad is now in a Nursing Home and doesn't yet ask to "go home" but does occasionally say "come on then" as he stands up as if to go somewhere but never actually does....so far anyway!
     
  4. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    4,282
    SW London
    When my mother was going through a long phase of wanting to go home to her parents, I used to tell her I couldn't take her today, because the roads were very busy/icy/closed because of a bad accident/my car was being serviced etc. - anything that sounded good really - 'but maybe we could go tomorrow.'
    It always satisfied her and because her short term memory was so bad, she never remembered that I'd said much the same before.
    I hope you find a way that keeps her reasonably contented.
     
  5. Angela T

    Angela T Registered User

    Jul 13, 2014
    187
    France
    #5 Angela T, May 11, 2015
    Last edited: May 11, 2015
    My mother has been in care since January, and when she says "I want to go home", she is talking about her home of 60 years back, not the flat she lived in for 20 years before the NH.

    I go along with her because there is no point telling her she can't. I might ask "Why?" - and we have a chat about that... or "When you're walking better - you need help at the moment" - and she agrees with that... or "What do you want to do at home?" - and she tells me...

    It's actually quite interesting to see what is behind her "wanting to go home" - it opens up a discussion. I find it is easy to distract her - for the moment.

    I hope this helps...
     
  6. Bgee

    Bgee Registered User

    Sep 18, 2013
    1
    Husband wants to go home!

    My husband keeps saying he wants to go home. He is talking about his childhood home in London. We live in Surrey, problem is he is physically fit and puts his coat on and is off! Twice he has caught the train,with little money, and been lost on the railway. How do you distract someone who is on their way home. Rail Police very little help, suggested we caught the train and pick him up.problem was getting on different trains. Do I lock him in? How do I prevent this happening again? Very distraught.
     
  7. StressedOut2

    StressedOut2 Registered User

    Feb 5, 2015
    2
    I discovered that for my mom, "going home" meant she was tired and wanted to go to bed. The first time it happened, she was sitting still clothed holding her little dog saying, "I just want to go home." I took her by the hand and said "OK, l let's go home" I took her to her room, helped her into her night gown and she climbed into bed. She thanked me over and over and over for taking her home.

    Could it be that in our mind home must mean home? I feel sometimes we need to try to think like they are and try to figure out what they mean.
     
  8. John_gtl

    John_gtl Registered User

    Dec 1, 2015
    2
    Medication for sundowning

    My father (78) suffering from dementia and keeps saying that he wants to go home and his agitation gets worse as the day progresses, we are using sizdon 0.5 which reduces his agitation and calms him down . is it good or will it worsen the situation after some time. he also uses cutipin 25 mg during the night and he really sleeps well with that medicine.
     
  9. lizzybo

    lizzybo Registered User

    Jun 6, 2014
    5
    Dad wants to take mum home

    Mum has been in a carehome since July 4th this year, dad visits her most days, but every time he does she pleads with him to take her back home to their house. Mum went into care because as well as her dementia, dad isnt well enough to care for her at home, the decision was a tough one, which he still hasn't come to terms with, none of us have really.My question is, has anyone ever taken their loved one back to the family home ' for the day'and say, returned in the evening?Dad is considering this, but I am not so sure, What if he can't get her back to the care home?He feels lost and lonely without mum and feels she should be able to come home with him and see all her things again. I would be grateful for any thoughts.
     
  10. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,740
    A close friend of mine used to bring her husband home to their home every Sunday for lunch with the family and the afternoon and then another afternoon in the middle of the week and it worked very well for them - but that is my only experience. I think it is probably very different for everyone but if it is manageable for your Dad I don't see why she couldn't come back for a couple of afternoons - it would give him something to look forward to and her a change of scenery. As long as you are all agreed and enabling it - it is just a different approach. You would have to have worked out a strategy on how to take her back the first time and maybe stay with her a bit on return so she doesn't feel abandoned. It is difficult and different for everyone.
     
  11. Emac

    Emac Registered User

    Mar 2, 2013
    171
    I guess you could try it and see. My Mum went into care at the end of September, She and Dad go to my sisters on Sunday afternoons, and on occasion Dad has taken her back home for 20mins or so and I pick them up to go out for coffee. She isn't always keen to go back into the home but we don't talk about it beforehand we just get up and say we are going in the car now, or going 'up the road' and she follows us. Initially we arranged for the carers to greet her at the door with Oh hello Jean, how are you? Come on in for a cup of tea! That worked well. As long as you can get her in the caar or taxi the home should help you with the next bit if she is refusing to go in. Good luck!
     
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