Mum keeps asking us to kill her

Discussion in 'Middle - later stages of dementia' started by JayneB6367, Aug 10, 2015.

  1. JayneB6367

    JayneB6367 Registered User

    Dec 18, 2013
    38
    #1 JayneB6367, Aug 10, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 10, 2015
    Hi all,

    Back ground is mum has mixed dementia. Diagnosed this year but issues started 5 years ago or more. She was coping fine until dad died and after that a light went out. She has deteriorated a lot recently and has started to wander and is much more confused and depressed. She still lives on her own and my sister and I visit twice a week, 100 mile round trips. Plus we have a lovely Carer that goes in to check on her.

    She has always talked about wanting to die, up until recently though it was just a comment, nothing that particularly worried us as she often said it with a smile on her face and it was more wanting to not wake up the next day rather than her being suicidal.

    Two weeks ago this changed and now she asks my sister and I to kill her at least 8 times a day, on the phone, walking along the street. It's her new obsession. She gets very agitated when we say we can't as she just cannot understand why not. We have got to a point when we just say to her we will see rather than tell her no much to the shock of anyone who overhears the conversation. My father and grandfather both went into hospital and hospices and never left and she can't understand why we won't take her to one of these places so she can die there. She forgets they were both terminally ill.

    Any one else been through this and any ideas on how to handle it?

    We are also struggling to accept the fact it may be time to move her into a home but this new desire for someone to kill her worries me that some homes may not even take her!

    It's all so tough isn't it, for them and selfishly for us, we are utterly exhausted with it all.
     
  2. loveahug

    loveahug Registered User

    Nov 28, 2012
    1,071
    Moved to Leicester
    Mum always brings up the subject of killing herself or asking us to do it for her. We try to make a joke of it and say 'do you really want us in jail!' or just facing her down and say 'sorry not going to happen' If she mentions suicide we just empathise hugely that being old makes you feel that way and it does seem to make a bit of difference. It's such a hard thing to deal with and I con't have anything more constructive to offer you.

    Big hugs x
     
  3. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    9,765
    Merseyside
    How upsetting for you Jayne.

    I think homes have seen most things & the right home will turn up when you start looking.
     
  4. cragmaid

    cragmaid Registered User

    Oct 18, 2010
    7,963
    North East England
    Hi Jayne, I can totally sympathize with you. My answers used to include the question " How would you like us to do it then":rolleyes:
    Has Mum been prescibed with any Anti depressants? Sadly they take a few weeks as a rule to kick in.
    I do think that her GP and Social Worker ( assuming that she has had a needs assessment) should be told of her constant questionning for euthanasia.

    I wish there was more I could advise. Have you had a look at any homes in the area? Perhaps a week long respite, if at all possible, might help her to " cheer up",:rolleyes: ( I mean it might help to break the depressive cycle) or at least distract her and would give you an idea of how she could react to full time care.

    Keep in touch and let us know how things progress.
     
  5. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    9,535
    North East England
    I really feel for you, and I'm sorry that I have no advice other than carry on dealing with it the way you are. I doubt whether you'd be able to get her to stop, until she maybe will come out of this phase.

    Given all the difficulties we have faced with my mam's dementia, and whether she should go to live in a home, I once asked dad what he would want me to do if he ever developed it. His answer? Throw me off a cliff.

    It's the sort of thing that many of us would say, but it's not a choice. I was actually quite cross with him at the time as I was asking a serious question about his wishes, and this was his flippant answer.

    There is nothing flippant about dementia, in my opinion. Sending you strength to cope with this very difficult issue.

    x
     
  6. Long-Suffering

    Long-Suffering Registered User

    Jul 6, 2015
    426
    Hi Jayne,

    Sorry to hear that. It must be so depressing for you. I agree with Cragmaid - talk to her doc and see if anti-depressants would help.

    Best of luck,

    LS
     
  7. chris53

    chris53 Registered User

    Nov 9, 2009
    2,930
    London
    Hello Jayne, am so very sorry for the distress you must be feeling on these comments from your mum, no matter how much we feel and know it's the dementia talking not your mum, it eats away at you, as you know-that they know-something is not "right" on how they are feeling, am hoping it is just yet another phase which will disappear in time.
    Would a few days of respite give her a new outlook on life? she would be monitored there and if these comments were noted and maybe some medication could now be given to help her agitation:eek: even for a short time? Try to have a chat with her GP and see what they can advise and do to help not only for your mum,but some peace of mind for you and your sister, just a thought does she make these comments to her lovely carer? maybe she would be happy to give you feedback on that.
    Take care and hope things settle soon
    Chris
     
  8. Gill C

    Gill C Registered User

    May 22, 2015
    3
    Repetition of something you don't want to hear can feel like torture and my heart goes out to you. I have friends who 'pretended' to take their mother seriously when she kept asking to die and took her to the doctor to see if there was any way this might be arranged. (The doctor was informed about the situation beforehand). Their mother heard from the doctors mouth that her request was impossible and stopped asking. But she was also prescribed an anti-depressant by the same doctor so hard to say conclusively what did the trick.
    Some anti-depressants can cause suicidal thoughts for a period as well. Might her obsession have been triggered by medication? If so there might well be medication to address it.
    I do wish you well and hope you can soon look back on your mum's condition as a 'phase'.
     
  9. CeliaThePoet

    CeliaThePoet Registered User

    Dec 7, 2013
    614
    Buffalo, NY, USA
    I can relate. My mother is disgusted with me that I haven't yet found a way to kill her or help her die. I tell her it is not up to us. Sometimes I joke and tell her she's not eating enough ice cream to make her cholesterol levels go up! She's made feeble attempts at suicide twice in the past year, and a number of times in her earlier, pre-dementia life. For myself, I had to come to terms with the fact that I could not do this (one more way I can't make her happy!) and to take myself out of feeling anything about the discussion itself. I still feel a lot of sadness and anger about it at times, but it is out of my control and that's that.

    Having this discussion all the time is perhaps the worst part of being her caregiver, for me.
     
  10. paulineprice

    paulineprice Registered User

    Jun 23, 2015
    11
    I get this I want to die on a regular basis from my 91 year old friend who lives in an independent living complex. She threatens to take an overdose, throw herself out of the window or put a knife through herself,
    I have hidden window keys so that the windows open just enough, I have taken out all old medication and the carers hide the daily current med.
    She also talks like this to a couple of neighbours yet there are certain people such as her Power of Attny and she seems to know not to say anything like that to them.
    I now think that if she can choose who to say these threats to then she must realise who she can scare for attention. I now just quickly change the subject.
    She also makes loud crying noises especially on the phone. Again I used to get so worried until one day after I came back from taking her washing to the laundry room and hearing this terrible loud wailing as I walked in. I suddenly realised that as I went up to ask her what the matter was she had no tears in her eyes or on her face as well as no hankie in her hand., it really was just a noise. Her voice can go back to normal in a second. Neighbour also realised that too.
    When I take her into the communal lounge to chat with the neighbours she is a completely different person. Although she does the usual of repeating herself they would never suspect what I get with her.
    Guess this terrible decease is too difficult to work out
     

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