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Mum just moved into care and hates me - am i making it worse?!

LouLou23

Registered User
Mar 12, 2018
14
0
North Yorkshire
HI, I'm so glad I am not the only one!
Mum has been in CH about a month. She tells me she is not going to speak to me any more if I don't take her home, it's a good job she does remember! It is very hard, the last time I visited I managed to think its only the dementia as I was walking out the door but later thoughts come back to you then I got upset. I have read through all the posts here and will try and take every ones advice. Mum was pacing around a lot last time so it would have been difficult to show her photos but I will try on next visit, distracting her was difficult.
 

SGP

New member
Sep 8, 2021
4
0
So after an unplanned hospital stay of 6 weeks (all over Christmas), my mum was moved into a nursing home last Monday and is not happy to say the least. I've visited four times, the whole family have visited during this time. She now has all her own clothes to wear instead of pjs all day. She has a tv, family photos in her room, her own personal tuck shop etc. When in the lounges, which is most of the day, she has a constant supply of food, drinks, snacks etc. There are staff to talk to, people to be with. There are 2 big tvs to watch, movies on etc. Weekly hairdresser, sometimes activities. Staff told me how much fun she's been having, how she makes them all laugh. Tells off the other residents etc. Then I go in and it's all tears. When am I coming home etc, I can look after myself etc. Weds evening was 2 and a half hours of crying. But today was even worse....
You expect me to die here don't you?!
You don't want me any more!
Why can't I come home for just a weekend?!
I don't want to spend the rest of my life here!
I don't want to die here!
In the end I felt that my being there was only continuing her misery, so after 2 painful hours, I left. That just set her off wailing and the staff had to stop her following me as she's was on her feet crying out for me. Needless to say I left in tears again. I felt really mean leaving her like that. I'd tried to leave a couple of times but she didn't want me to, but when I sat down again she just carried on getting more and more upset and constantly saying she wants to commit suicide. So I felt it would be better for her if I left as the tea trolley arrived and maybe she would settle again. Driving off I felt really mean. How could I leave my mum in tears like that. I'm a bad person.
But if she gets upset when I visit, should I just not visit for a week or two, and see if she settles down??? The staff told me she was settling, but I get a distraught person who says someone has attacked her in her room (they didn't, the staff checked the cctv and there are pressure pads under the carpet), that she wants to commit suicide, and that she doesn't want to die here.
AM I MAKING IT WORSE BY VISITING??? Should I leave her alone for a while? Would that help? Great aunt and my gran will still visit once or twice a week, but they seem to get ok visits with just weeping when they leave. I get crying and wailing through the whole visit, so perhaps if I don't go she won't get so upset???
I just don't know what to do.
Hi I wondered if this situation has improved? (I'm hoping, desperate it has) our mum has been in a emergency respite only a week after the Police were called because she was screaming in the street people saying were in her house I I know this is early days but this was a culmination of loads of issues and she seems to be in and out of Dementia ? In the CH she's settled (so they say) but when we visit she is angry and very abusive. We have tried not visiting and just ringing the home. they say she's in a good mood and ask if we want to talk to her, but when they give her the phone she just starts ranting again . I know you were struggling in January we have just joined this site looking for some solace and found this post.
Will this get better?
How long did it take for you ?
Should we stop visiting for a while ?
The guilt is dreadful .
 
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Marler19

Registered User
May 16, 2021
42
0
Hi I wondered if this situation has improved? (I'm hoping, desperate it has) our mum has been in a emergency respite only a week after the Police were called because she was screaming in the street people saying were in her house I I know this is early days but this was a culmination of loads of issues and she seems to be in and out of Dementia ? In the CH she's settled (so they say) but when we visit she is angry and very abusive. We have tried not visiting and just ringing the home. they say she's in a good mood and ask if we want to talk to her, but when they give her the phone she just starts ranting again . I know you were struggling in January we have just joined this site looking for some solace and found this post.
Will this get better?
How long did it take for you ?
Should we stop visiting for a while ?
The guilt
Dear @SGP just jumping in here to say it DOES get better. Putting my mum into a care home was the hardest thing I have ever done but 6 weeks on and she is ok. The staff look after her well and she has stopped packing her bags and the requests to go home have a lot less ‘heat’ in them so it’s easier to distract her. The positives about being there have slowly started to emerge in her conversations. In truth, people with dementia will never be totally happy and content but please do try not to feel guilty as what you have done is for the best. Probably your mum rants at you because she feels so safe with you - I know my mother has been horribly hard on me because she knows how much I love her and still knows on some level that I won’t ever abandon her however tough things get, and will try to help her to the end. Tough stuff! But you have done the right thing and in time you will start to feel it! xxx
 

SGP

New member
Sep 8, 2021
4
0
Dear @SGP just jumping in here to say it DOES get better. Putting my mum into a care home was the hardest thing I have ever done but 6 weeks on and she is ok. The staff look after her well and she has stopped packing her bags and the requests to go home have a lot less ‘heat’ in them so it’s easier to distract her. The positives about being there have slowly started to emerge in her conversations. In truth, people with dementia will never be totally happy and content but please do try not to feel guilty as what you have done is for the best. Probably your mum rants at you because she feels so safe with you - I know my mother has been horribly hard on me because she knows how much I love her and still knows on some level that I won’t ever abandon her however tough things get, and will try to help her to the end. Tough stuff! But you have done the right thing and in time you will start to feel it! xxx
Dear Marler19
Thank you so much for taking the time to message me and make us feel better Thank you . My Mum has always had a fiery temper and a cutting tongue which we have had to ignore over the years and certainly the Dementia has made this more difficult. When she was at home these last months she accused me of stealing from her and my sister of hitting her! Both I may assure you are not true. So when she says she doesn't love us and doesn't want anything to do with our children or families its painful but its her pitiful sobs we struggle to ignore, the fact that she believes we have done these things to hurt her is so upsetting . There is only the two of us and she is otherwise all alone . I think your are right when you say they are never totally happy or content. I do hope she calms down soon. She was so unhappy and fearful at home, and she is safer there. Now we just have to hope the BI meeting allows her to stay safe and maybe find a care home with a smaller Top Up fee but that's a different issue!! Thanks for your reply and I'm so pleased your mum has settled and your visits are not as difficult. xxxx
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
16,138
0
South coast
Hi @SGP
I had a similar problem with mum accusing me of stealing from her and hitting her while she was living at home. There were also other problems and eventually she moved into a care home. She spent the first 6 weeks "packing to go home" and trying to get out of the care home, but gradually her paranoia reduced. Once she had settled she thrived there. Getting regular meals and medication improved her no end, she responded to the simple routine and having someone around 24/7 to reassure her really helped. She put some weight back on, made friends and her old personality (though not her memory) returned. I became her daughter again, although she couldnt always remember my name and relationships were tricky. She lived just shy of three years in her care home and I have some good memories of her time there.

Give your mum a chance to settle. I was advised to not visit mum for a week or so when she first moved in.
 

Marler19

Registered User
May 16, 2021
42
0
Dear Marler19
Thank you so much for taking the time to message me and make us feel better Thank you . My Mum has always had a fiery temper and a cutting tongue which we have had to ignore over the years and certainly the Dementia has made this more difficult. When she was at home these last months she accused me of stealing from her and my sister of hitting her! Both I may assure you are not true. So when she says she doesn't love us and doesn't want anything to do with our children or families its painful but its her pitiful sobs we struggle to ignore, the fact that she believes we have done these things to hurt her is so upsetting . There is only the two of us and she is otherwise all alone . I think your are right when you say they are never totally happy or content. I do hope she calms down soon. She was so unhappy and fearful at home, and she is safer there. Now we just have to hope the BI meeting allows her to stay safe and maybe find a care home with a smaller Top Up fee but that's a different issue!! Thanks for your reply and I'm so pleased your mum has settled and your visits are not as difficult. xxxx
You are welcome @SGP - I took a great deal of comfort from this forum over these past 3 years, from lots of people giving me support and advice, and on the basis that a picture is worth 1000 words here is mum this morning on my visit, having just done a jigsaw with me and a group singing session with the music lady. Obviously it’s not always this cheery but in the moment it can be fine and that’s all we can hope for: as I left, the sun was shining and I felt unworried about mum. All the best to you and your sister!! 505760FA-6A25-4742-919C-DBA36744BF26.jpeg
 

SGP

New member
Sep 8, 2021
4
0
Hi @SGP
I had a similar problem with mum accusing me of stealing from her and hitting her while she was living at home. There were also other problems and eventually she moved into a care home. She spent the first 6 weeks "packing to go home" and trying to get out of the care home, but gradually her paranoia reduced. Once she had settled she thrived there. Getting regular meals and medication improved her no end, she responded to the simple routine and having someone around 24/7 to reassure her really helped. She put some weight back on, made friends and her old personality (though not her memory) returned. I became her daughter again, although she couldnt always remember my name and relationships were tricky. She lived just shy of three years in her care home and I have some good memories of her time there.

Give your mum a chance to settle. I was advised to not visit mum for a week or so when she first moved in.
Thanks Canary
My sister has tested positive to Covid so we can't visit for 10 days so maybe its for the best? Thank you so much for messaging, it really helps knowing that someone has read my problems and we're not alone and hopefully our mum settles too and we can have lots of nice visits with her xx
 

SGP

New member
Sep 8, 2021
4
0
You are welcome @SGP - I took a great deal of comfort from this forum over these past 3 years, from lots of people giving me support and advice, and on the basis that a picture is worth 1000 words here is mum this morning on my visit, having just done a jigsaw with me and a group singing session with the music lady. Obviously it’s not always this cheery but in the moment it can be fine and that’s all we can hope for: as I left, the sun was shining and I felt unworried about mum. All the best to you and your sister!!View attachment 65032
Marler this made me smile , first time in a week. I hope our mum has some smiley days to come.
Take care. I hope I can provide support to others like you have to me xx
 

Little Circles

Registered User
Mar 30, 2017
92
0
Derbyshire
Hi
My Dad views me as the weakest link in our family but given I am the one that can visit more regularly as my brother lives 4 hours away I a the only option open to Dad, He says he doesn't know why he is in the care home, he wants to go home and I am just messing about doing nothing to get him out, though his language was a little less polite than that, He offers me money to break him out, he says he want to commit suicide and how do you think I would feel if I was locked up like he was. Apparently settling more in the nursing home but have bouts of aggression and I am not allowed to see him with out a carer being present as he is very up and down. He begs me to take him home but I can't.
It is truly heartbreaking but I feel when I eave he goes into a settled world of being in a nursing home. I have the guilt and he cant remember.
 

deepetshopboy

Registered User
Jul 7, 2008
536
0
Hi
My Dad views me as the weakest link in our family but given I am the one that can visit more regularly as my brother lives 4 hours away I a the only option open to Dad, He says he doesn't know why he is in the care home, he wants to go home and I am just messing about doing nothing to get him out, though his language was a little less polite than that, He offers me money to break him out, he says he want to commit suicide and how do you think I would feel if I was locked up like he was. Apparently settling more in the nursing home but have bouts of aggression and I am not allowed to see him with out a carer being present as he is very up and down. He begs me to take him home but I can't.
It is truly heartbreaking but I feel when I eave he goes into a settled world of being in a nursing home. I have the guilt and he cant remember.
That must be so hard i think if my dad started that id have caved and took him out
It’s heartbreaking n i feel quilty enough he doesn’t remember were he is doesn’t know hes in a care home im lucky in that respect but home is awful n thats hard for me as I worry 24/7 now