Mum is wandering

padmag

Registered User
May 8, 2012
259
0
nottingham
My Mum has been diagnosed with dementia, she is 84 years old and lives alone. My sister is her main carer and lives 10 minutes walk away in a village. I am full time carer for my partner with AD and live about one hour's drive away. Mum has on 2 occasions(that we know of) gone out in the evening to the local shop (which involves going across a lonely dark park!) to purchase something, mainly cigarettes. She has got lost coming home both times and the kind shop keeper has brought her home, the shop keeper now has my sister's mobile number. I think Mum has got to the stage where she needs more care that sister gives her, and I cannot dictate that she should do it, it's up to her. If it was me I would either live with Mum or have her move in with me, but I know my sister is against this as she values her own time and feels restricted and obligated as she sees Mum every day in the morning and afternoon to give her tea. Mum is against going to live in a home, she has tried the day centres and memory cafes, but refuses to go anymore. does anyone out there know of some sort of alarm that would alert sister that Mum has gone out of the front door, I am a bit confused as there seems to be an array of products out there, I wouldn't know where to start. It won't make my Mum totally safe but at least she won't go out wandering at night. Sometimes feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall with sister as I have suggested a part time carer and a cleaner,(Mum can afford it) and her response to having a door alarm was 'what if I'm out of the village?' We both have poa, but she does nothing about it, just says that she has already told Mum not to go out at night - sure, that's going to be really reasonable for a person with AD!!
Rambling a bit now but feel frustrated by all of this.
 

Amy in the US

Registered User
Feb 28, 2015
4,616
0
USA
Yes, there are door alarms. They can be part of a security systems, or just something that makes noise when the door is opened.

I think some members here have even gotten theirs from SS. I will have to defer to the experts to point you in the right direction but I'm sure help will be along.

There are also devices you can use to alert you that someone has gotten out of bed, a sensor mat or pressure mat. That might also be helpful for your sister.

I would tend to agree that for your mum's safety, and your sister's sleep, and all your peace of mind, that some additional support and help is a good idea.

Best wishes. The wandering is so worrying!
 

padmag

Registered User
May 8, 2012
259
0
nottingham
Yes, there are door alarms. They can be part of a security systems, or just something that makes noise when the door is opened.

I think some members here have even gotten theirs from SS. I will have to defer to the experts to point you in the right direction but I'm sure help will be along.

There are also devices you can use to alert you that someone has gotten out of bed, a sensor mat or pressure mat. That might also be helpful for your sister.

I would tend to agree that for your mum's safety, and your sister's sleep, and all your peace of mind, that some additional support and help is a good idea.

Best wishes. The wandering is so worrying!
Thanks Amy, I was thinking more of an alert on my sisters mobile as she doesnt stay overnight at Mum's house (in fact she spends as little time as she can with Mum) You're right I would like to have additional support for Mum but sister seems dead against it.
 

Amy in the US

Registered User
Feb 28, 2015
4,616
0
USA
I know there are many products now that can connect to your mobile: a doorbell/camera, thermostats, even refrigerators. I am going to give @nitram a shout to see what expertise he can contribute, please, nitraM, if you would be so kind.

So I imagine there must be something to help in this situation, in terms of technology.

As far as your sister and bringing in help, well, what about starting with something innocuous like a cleaner a few hours a week? If your mum is self funding, you can even hire carers on your own. But a cleaner, whether an actual cleaner or a carer "in disguise," is a good way to start. Surely none of you want to be scrubbing floors and so on. It can be a non-threatening way to introduce the idea of care. Perhaps?
 

LadyA

Registered User
Oct 19, 2009
13,730
0
Ireland
Thanks Amy, I was thinking more of an alert on my sisters mobile as she doesnt stay overnight at Mum's house (in fact she spends as little time as she can with Mum) You're right I would like to have additional support for Mum but sister seems dead against it.
If you don't mind me asking, do you know why your sister is against getting additional support in for your mum, particularly if she's unable/unwilling to provide more support herself? To be blunt about it, in this very cold weather, should your mum wander and get lost it wouldn't take very long for her to develop hypothermia.
 

padmag

Registered User
May 8, 2012
259
0
nottingham
I know there are many products now that can connect to your mobile: a doorbell/camera, thermostats, even refrigerators. I am going to give @nitram a shout to see what expertise he can contribute, please, nitraM, if you would be so kind.

So I imagine there must be something to help in this situation, in terms of technology.

As far as your sister and bringing in help, well, what about starting with something innocuous like a cleaner a few hours a week? If your mum is self funding, you can even hire carers on your own. But a cleaner, whether an actual cleaner or a carer "in disguise," is a good way to start. Surely none of you want to be scrubbing floors and so on. It can be a non-threatening way to introduce the idea of care. Perhaps?
That is a really good idea,I have suggested introducing a potential carer as my sisters' friend initially, meet for coffee, visit Mum's house with my sister as I know how obstinate my Mum can be she really digs her heels in. She used to be very houseproud therefore the idea of a cleaner is unthinkeable for her, I would love to afford one! My sister will go the easy path - she says she hates Mum's house now, I understand as it is dirty and the kitchen is sticky I wash as much as I can when I visit but having Richard there with me (he has more advance AD) creates problems in itself, and he annoys Mum, so I limit the time we are there. I used to take a couple of days meals for Mum but find I am worn out with 24/7 caring and I'm up most nights with Richard's moving around the bungalow. Having said all this I want to shout 'just get a cleaner! I have sourced some on the net and sent her the information a couple of months ago. They are both obstinate, but my sister needs to see the bigger picture and take control. I would do it but it takes organisation and following through, I know this and its what I seem to do daily/weekly for Richard. My Mum has always looked up to Chris and only ever wanted her to help her, and Chris has been happy to do this until Mum's deterioration, now I don't think she can cope. She has mentioned that she can't give up her Friday nights out and needs a stiff drink! We are both retired and in our 60's with minor health issues but nothing major. Sorry I always seem to digress, but it is good to get if off my chest as it's so frustrating to witness.
 

padmag

Registered User
May 8, 2012
259
0
nottingham
Is this the kind of thing you are thinking about
http://www.sendtech.co.uk/SeN-Cit/dow.shtml
There are others.
Before you buy anything have a talk with SS, they may be able to offer something
Just had a look at their website, yes that seems the right sort of thing. I thought Mum would have to have the internet (which she hasn't) to have this, but it appears not, I will investigate this further, thanks. Not sure is SS will help as Mum is self funding but it's probably worth a try.
 

padmag

Registered User
May 8, 2012
259
0
nottingham
If you don't mind me asking, do you know why your sister is against getting additional support in for your mum, particularly if she's unable/unwilling to provide more support herself? To be blunt about it, in this very cold weather, should your mum wander and get lost it wouldn't take very long for her to develop hypothermia.
Exactly! I have said this to sister, but it all seems to go over her head, that's why I'm thinking damage limitation to let sister at least know when Mum goes through front door. The possible consequences are frightening to say the least, I know I have to act and spoonfeed her everything to do this.Why she is against more support? - think its partly because she wants her own life, which is normal, and bury's her head in the sand,but these things happen in life, and another, she doesn't want to rock the boat with Mum, we are like chalk and cheese. If it was up to me, Mum would have a cleaner & part time carer/sitter and alarm fitted. Mum doesn't wash anymore and sister has to have window open in car - ridiculous I know but I have sourced privacy garments for Mum to wear in the shower so sister can wash her all to no avail, I am mentally wringing my hands!
 

LadyA

Registered User
Oct 19, 2009
13,730
0
Ireland
I have to be honest, @padmag. Once a person has reached the stage you are describing, I think there would be questions about their capacity to make decisions in their own best interests. There are obviously also safety concerns. At this point, I'm not sure carers going in and out and/or alarms are going to be enough, or at least, not for very long. I suspect full time care is coming into view on the horizon.
 

padmag

Registered User
May 8, 2012
259
0
nottingham
I have to be honest, @padmag. Once a person has reached the stage you are describing, I think there would be questions about their capacity to make decisions in their own best interests. There are obviously also safety concerns. At this point, I'm not sure carers going in and out and/or alarms are going to be enough, or at least, not for very long. I suspect full time care is coming into view on the horizon.
Yes in my heart I now you're right LadyA. Althugh my partner has AD, I am in control (as much as I can be) I take all our decisions and actions, but I am a bit excluded from this problem but am so worried. Think Mum would definitely benefit from full time care as she doesn't eat properly either. I will see Mum and sister over next few days and will try to broach this subject with her.
Thank you everyone for your very helpful replies once again, it really helps to have someone to turn to. I will keep you updated soon.
 

padmag

Registered User
May 8, 2012
259
0
nottingham
The 'click here to order' link does not work, the 'how to order' links at top and bottom do.
Probably best to ring and have a talk about your requirement.

If ringing ask about 'VAT exemption'
https://www.gov.uk/government/publi...liefs-for-disabled-and-older-people#emergency
they should know if it applies. If it does you tell them why she qualifies and they don't charge the VAT, you don't have to contact HMRC.
Thanks for further info Nitram had forgotten about the vat element.
 

nitram

Registered User
Apr 6, 2011
30,072
0
Bury
Thanks for further info Nitram had forgotten about the vat element.

Not sure it applies.
I think the ability to alert a person not in the property that a disabled person could come to harm means it could.
 

Tattoo Lane

Registered User
Jun 28, 2016
176
0
Devon UK
Hi. I wonder if you've heard of a system used by Police forces across the UK called The Herbert Protocol? It's basically a form which you fill in about any missing person who is vulnerable owing to dementia. The form is kept by the family, and if the person with dementia goes missing, a simple 999 call will bring a Police Officer to the house to collect the form. The details are then relayed force wide which helps Police to search in appropriate places eg old houses, work places. Do look up your local Police website, look on the part about vulnerable people, the form is downloadavle and printable.
 

einalemprahs

Registered User
Jul 29, 2017
1
0
Thanks Amy, I was thinking more of an alert on my sisters mobile as she doesnt stay overnight at Mum's house (in fact she spends as little time as she can with Mum) You're right I would like to have additional support for Mum but sister seems dead against it.
We are having the same issues with my mother who says she will not go into a care home. We had the doctor and social worker tell her that she had to accept help or she would have to go into care. She hates having people in her home but now has a cleaner Once a week and a social carer three times a week each visit about two hours. The rest of the family believe she should be in care but this is the only way we can continue for her to be in her own home and know that she is safe and has shopping in the fridge that is fresh. Sometimes you have to bite the bullet and take control for the benefit of your mum. Good Luck!
 

Onmyown

Registered User
May 30, 2017
385
0
I agree that you get more help for your mum or it may be a home. I live with my mum and it's very difficult but thank God she hasn't started wandering yet? But won't wash,tske her meds and is also diabetic I'm trying to get doctor to tell her if she dosnt let me take over her meds it's a home but I'm still trying to convince the doctor she even has dementia?? I would get social care involved ASAP as wandering is extremely dangerous.
 

LadyA

Registered User
Oct 19, 2009
13,730
0
Ireland
I agree that you get more help for your mum or it may be a home. I live with my mum and it's very difficult but thank God she hasn't started wandering yet? But won't wash,tske her meds and is also diabetic I'm trying to get doctor to tell her if she dosnt let me take over her meds it's a home but I'm still trying to convince the doctor she even has dementia?? I would get social care involved ASAP as wandering is extremely dangerous.
@Onmyown I doubt very much that any doctor would be willing to threaten your mum with a nursing home if she won't cooperate. Understandably, really, as the last thing you need is for your mum to become frightened of the doctor to the extent that she refuses to see them anymore! Better to make a friend of the doctor, if you can.

I understand your frustration with the meds. If it's meds your mum needs, can you do as I had to, and discuss with her doctor whether you can give them covertly? Hide them in ice cream or something she likes? My husband wouldn't take any of his meds, and with his doctor's permission, I was able to give them all in food or drink.