mum is vile to my poor dad

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Jane4567, Dec 11, 2019.

  1. Jane4567

    Jane4567 New member

    Dec 8, 2018
    6
    hello all, wonder if anybody knows how I can change my mother’s whole personality!!
    My dad has mid-stage Alzheimer’s; at the moment he just has complete short term memory loss, is now just about still able to make a cup of tea and is quite with it mostly. He has no dreadful behaviour traits yet. He can’t chose his own clothes but still washes and shaves himself.
    But I swear mother will kill him one day. She absolutely hates him, can’t say one civil word to him and makes his life a living hell.
    When she’s around he becomes a shivering wreck but when he’s alone with either my sister or me he’s like his old self.
    He goes to day care two days a week and every six weeks or so goes off for a week’s respite. My sister and I visit once a week and mum has a cleaner and a gardener. So mum does get breaks from him.
    Dad is 87 and mum 85.
    She isn’t be open to counselling or anti-depressants. She won’t have carers in the house.
    It’s heartbreaking to watch her scream and shout at him just because he forgets things. I’ve tried talking to her and tried to help in many ways but she can’t/won’t change.
    Two of her grandchildren won’t visit because she’s so horrible.

    Any ideas?
    Thanks
     
  2. CardiffGirlInEssex

    CardiffGirlInEssex Registered User

    Oct 6, 2018
    131
    It sounds to me as though your mother is experiencing some kind of denial, if she is unable to accept that his memory problems are caused by the disease and thinks he is doing it on purpose. Perhaps caring for him as he now needs it, is just too much for her? I have a similar but far less extreme situation with my parents, my dad does his very best but is really struggling to cope with mum’s sudden descent into mid stage, not least because she frequently insists there is nothing wrong with her brains and it is he who needs to get his memory checked. I am trying to introduce the idea of considering a care home place for mum but not sure we can achieve that.
     
  3. Jane4567

    Jane4567 New member

    Dec 8, 2018
    6
    I think you’re right. She acts as though dad does it on purpose. I tell her that he can’t help ‘getting things wrong’ but she says that ‘that’s beside the point’. But she’s always been very controlling and, of course, this is something she’s never going to be able to control.
    Also, I think she’s ashamed; of what people think, of dad and of him having the disease. And I think she’s also very angry. Angry that her life is now ‘ruined’.
    It’s so sad. dementia takes over everybody’s life doesn’t it?
     
  4. CardiffGirlInEssex

    CardiffGirlInEssex Registered User

    Oct 6, 2018
    131
    Oh dear. That’s hard to deal with, but I can understand that she’s feeling angry. It’s not what she expected to have to deal with at this time of life, and if she’s been a controlling person then the inability to control this situation might be quite frightening. And the shame thing I think is perhaps partly generational? I think the worst thing with dementia, any other terminal disease the family get sympathy and support, but because dementia is treated as a social care issue rather than a health one, it has this stigma attached to it.
     
  5. Jane4567

    Jane4567 New member

    Dec 8, 2018
    6
    Yes, it is a symptom of that generation. Although she cannot deal with dad she won’t consider having carers or putting him into a home (even if he’d go) as that would be seen as a weakness on her part. I keep offering to have him for a week but, again, she won’t let him come to me. Sometimes I think she’s jealous of all the attention he’s getting.
    Sigh ... complicated isn’t it!
     
  6. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    2,271
    Oh my it sounds like how my mother was to Dad; only to find out she’d been diagnosed with early stage dementia years before Dad!!
    Let the Clinical mental health team know about her lack of empathy; my Dad went through a rough time & I wish I’d been more vocal in hindsight
    X
     
  7. Lawson58

    Lawson58 Registered User

    At your mother's age, there is an increased chance that she may be suffering some form of dementia herself. She has a lot of help organised which I think most of us would love to have. I can't help but wonder what goes on with your dad when there is no one else around and I think your dad needs to be rescued.

    Aggression can be a sign of dementia and her need to be in control can be blown up out of all proportion by some dementias.

    Any chance of a 'well woman' appointment with her GP?
     
  8. Jane4567

    Jane4567 New member

    Dec 8, 2018
    6
     
  9. Jane4567

    Jane4567 New member

    Dec 8, 2018
    6
    Thank you everybody, it’s a real help to know there’s somebody at the end of my iPad.
    I’ve managed to arrange a carer’s review/assessment for mum via her GP so, hopefully, this will have a positive outcome.
    I spoke to mum today and she says they’re having a good day today so happy days for the time being x
     
  10. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    2,271
    Take care of you
    Xx
     

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