Mum is struggling to accept dads dementia

Discussion in 'Recently diagnosed and early stages of dementia' started by Lynneamba, Jan 26, 2015.

  1. Lynneamba

    Lynneamba Registered User

    Aug 23, 2014
    9
    London
    Dad was diagnosed about a year ago, while most days dad is quite good he does get confused and frustrated when he can't do things he always managed to do before. Mum is more of a worry at the moment as she seems to be unable to accept dad can't do things anymore. I try to tell mum to relax and even if dad does one small thing each day it is a bonus. While I am very relaxed with dad and don't put pressure on him, as each new day comes and dad has either misplaced something or not done something quite right, I can feel the pressure rising. Mum is getting more stressed and dad is feeling more useless. Just wondered if any of you lovely people out there can give me any tips on how to talk to mum in the right way without feeling I am criticising her.
    Thanking you in advance


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  2. garnuft

    garnuft Registered User

    Sep 7, 2012
    6,589
    No advice, I'm afraid.
    My OH is in the same situation with his mum, his dad has dementia and she is frustrated by it.
    In fact he came home yesterday (he is an only child) after visiting them, in floods of tears.
    He was so upset saying 'My Dad is such a decent man and I've had to tell Mum off for being so impatient with him'.

    He's 54, his dad is 88, his mum, 92.
    He's not a man who cries easily.

    My mother had dementia but my father died long before it emerged.
    We struggled with her but I can see, from my in-laws, the dreadful complications when there are two in the equation.
    It wakes me up in the early hours, trying to work my way through the maze.

    I have only empathy for your situation and no advice, it's new ground for us too.

    Talking on here and reading up on others who have posted who have been in the same situation will help.

    I hope so, anyway. x
     
  3. Lynneamba

    Lynneamba Registered User

    Aug 23, 2014
    9
    London
    Thanks for your reply, I know it must be hard for mum living with it every day. Just finding it hard to talk to mum at the minute without feeling that I am telling her she is wrong all the time
    Best wishes to you all x


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  4. JoMo

    JoMo Registered User

    Jan 27, 2015
    15
    Hi
    I can totally sympathise, but haven't got an answer either.
    My Dad's memory has been getting worse and worse for the last few years and he got a diagnosis of dementia in July. Mum is coping, but she keeps saying things like "don't you remember?", "I just told you that", etc etc, in quite an annoyed voice, and I think it gets them both quite irritated. I live 3 hours away so she is the one caring for Dad. I haven't yet felt able to say anything to her, I just wish she would be more gentle. I think she sometimes feels Dad is doing things deliberately to annoy her, but he isn't, he doesn't want to be like this and feels bad. I don't know how I am going to tackle it with her either...
    Best wishes
     
  5. Onlyme

    Onlyme Registered User

    Apr 5, 2010
    4,999
    UK
  6. Lynneamba

    Lynneamba Registered User

    Aug 23, 2014
    9
    London
    Wow, thank you only me, this is really helpful, I will print this and give to mum with some kind words and reassure that I'm trying to help her to help dad and inevitably help the whole situation. Thanks again. I love talking point!


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  7. Sammyjo1

    Sammyjo1 Registered User

    Jul 8, 2014
    194
    One thing that has helped me to cope is to keep telling myself that it isn't OH that is saying or doing whatever's upsetting me - it's the dementia/ALZ that's doing it, and then I can get cross with the illness rather than with him.
     

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