Mum is slipping away, need advice

Discussion in 'End of life care' started by Sunkissed, Feb 5, 2015.

  1. Sunkissed

    Sunkissed Registered User

    Aug 7, 2013
    I haven't posted before now but I am in a turmoil and wondered if anyone else has been in this situation. Mum deteriorated rapidly last week and I have been with her at the NH every day. I had been feeding her puree meals and thickened drinks but she has stopped eating for the last 2 days, she stopped drinking today.
    When I arrived at the NH today there was a sign to say it was closed due to D&V bug. One of the nurses came out to me and said she couldn't stop me seeing Mum but she advised me not to stay in case I picked it up. My son and his wife are due to have their second baby any day and it would be terrible if I gave the D&V to any of them.
    The carers and nursing staff have been fantastic, so I know Mum is comfortable and cared for. I have been told it's just a matter of time now, and after being by Mum's side throughout this dreadful journey, I wanted to be with her at the end.
    The NH has to be clear of sickness for 48 hours before opening, I'm sure Mum won't survive that long. Perhaps I'm being selfish but it's terrible imagining her in her last days without me.
    Sorry to ramble on but my head is spinning.
  2. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    #2 canary, Feb 5, 2015
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2015
    Gosh what a terrible position to be in sunkissed. :(
    Does your son and his wife actually need you? I know they are expecting their second baby anytime now and I expect that you have said that you will help once the baby arrives, but if there is any way they can do without you then I would be tempted to go and stay with yor mum, but keep yourself quarantined so that you dont pass it on if you go down with it.
    I think you need to be with your mum.
  3. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    Terrible position to be in, but honestly if I were you I would visit my mum and isolate myself from son and daughter in law for however long it takes. Sure your family will understand.
  4. Sunkissed

    Sunkissed Registered User

    Aug 7, 2013
    Thanks for that. I have spoken to my son and he thinks I should be with mum too. I've decided to go over tonight if I get a call, if not I'll go tomorrow. I know I'd regret it if I stayed away. I'll be extra careful with hand washing etc and keep away from the family for a while. It seems so clear now I've thought about it properly, my head was all over the place earlier!
  5. jaymor

    jaymor Volunteer Moderator

    Jul 14, 2006
    So sorry for how things are Sunkissed. It is understandable that your head is all over the place, it is at times like this that you need people to think for you.

    I think you have made the right choice, you will have lots of time in the future to be with your new grandchild, right now you need to be with Mum as much as she needs you to be with her.

    Wishing you some peaceful days.

    Jay x
  6. Saffie

    Saffie Registered User

    Mar 26, 2011
    Near Southampton
    I agree that you would regret not being with your mother at his time if she should happen to pass away.
    I continued to visit my husband the one tme there was a d&v bug in his nursing home. Visitors were discouraged but allowed to visit and all the doors to the 4 wings were closed with gels, disposable plastic gloves and aprons and masks ouside the door and nobody went in without them

    My husband was in his room and was immobile as were most of the residents and with all rooms being in suite, it seemed pretty safe to risk it. He never had it and it was thought that it was brought into the home by a carer and they were the ones most affected.

    I hope your mother remains free of the bug and is peaceful. It's a very sad time for you. my
  7. Ladybird23

    Ladybird23 Registered User

    Feb 28, 2014
    Sunkissed, my heart goes out to you, we are at the first stage where he is refusing to eat very much, and his tablets are keeping him going for now. My head too is all over the place as the Doc has said he will not make the year out. It is only a matter of time. I have got things in place for the run to the NH when we get the call. In the meantime we shall visit tomorrow and see what is what. I am dreading it.

    Last time we visited, the ward had been closed due to flu bug, but we went in as we had traveled too far to turn round at the NH door. We had antiseptic gel so used that. Germs travel so fast in these places its hard to keep germ free sometimes.

    All of us on TP are holding your hand.
  8. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    Toronto, Canada
    Sunkissed, as long as you take all precautions, I think you should go in. My mother's nursing home was closed to visitors from Jan 1 to Jan 14 but they can't actually stop anyone coming in. We didn't go in because Mum is healthy but had she been at the end, we would have gone in.
  9. cold feet

    cold feet Registered User

    Nov 19, 2010
    Sun kissed, I can imagine how difficult this is for you. My son's first baby was born December 2013, and I had such a bad dose of flu I couldnt see him until he was over a week old. It felt devastating at the time, but every time I have seen him since is a new experience. My mum passed away 2 weeks ago, and I was with her much of her last hours. I will never see her again. Say goodbye to your mum, then welcome your new grandchild when you can.
  10. MeganCat

    MeganCat Registered User

    Jan 29, 2013
    South Wales
    #10 MeganCat, Feb 6, 2015
    Last edited: Feb 6, 2015
    I agree - my mum is in hospital post chest infection and flu - during the active flu phase she was barrier nursed in a single room - I used to have to put on a plastic apron, gloves and a face mask, immediately outside of her door, to go into see her (sometimes I pulled the mask down once in so she could recognise me) and remove and dispose of them on leaving the room - but the barrier is to protect you and other residents.

    I would visit but take precautions, use gel, wear gloves etc I'm sure the NH could support you in this. Thinking of you x
  11. Sunkissed

    Sunkissed Registered User

    Aug 7, 2013
    Thank you for the replies. I went to Mum Friday morning and was with her all day until she sadly passed away at 10.30pm. The nurses and carers were wonderful and very supportive. When some of them went off duty they came in to kiss Mum and say goodbye. Mum died peacefully and with dignity, I was holding her hand and stroking her hair, talking to her quietly the whole time.
    I am so glad I was there and I would advise anyone else in that position to do the same. I've kept away from my son until now but not had the D&V bug luckily. The baby hasn't come yet so I shall be able to be there for my son and DIL after all. We all have a mixture of emotions at the moment, it's a tough time but at least we have the baby to look forward to. At least I know Mum is now at peace. Thanks again for your replies and take care.
  12. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    Brixham Devon
    Sunkissed- I'm so sorry and I send you my condolences and sympathy. I hope that the new little life about to be born into your family will bring you joy and peace. Your emotions must be all over the place so take care of yourself.


    Lyn T XX
  13. Soobee

    Soobee Registered User

    Aug 22, 2009
    my condolences to you - I hope that you can draw comfort from being with your mum. All best wishes for your new grandchild.
  14. angecmc

    angecmc Registered User

    Dec 25, 2012
    I am so sorry for your loss, glad you felt able to be with her and best wishes to you and your family and the safe arrival of your Grandchild xx

  15. Gigglemore

    Gigglemore Registered User

    Oct 18, 2013
    British Isles
    So sorry for your loss but glad that you were able to be there to comfort her and know that she died peacefully.
  16. Pickles53

    Pickles53 Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    Radcliffe on Trent
    Sending all my sympathy to you and your family. So glad that you have the new arrival to look forward to and that your mum is now at peace.
  17. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    Im so sorry, but glad you were there and she passed with dignity.
    It sounds like the carers loved her too.

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