Mum is safe at last

[janma221]

Haven't posted for a long time. I posted about my mum wandering in dangerous situations and how all the teams tried to keep her at home to maintain her independence which is fine but some of the incidents were potentially dangerous to herself and others. Things came to a head last week when she was reported missing to the police by the carers 3 times and was found wandering the streets in the early hours then daytime in a local hospital trying to visit a friend who died 10 years ago. They finally had a crisis meeting and acted quickly to get her into a respite home for a week or so until I can get her up near us (about 2 hours away). Think trying to hold a full time job and working 6am after being awake half the night with police calls I eventually fainted and have a lovely black eye to prove it. They realised not only was she in need of care but I couldn't carry on anymore. Anyhow sorry for long post just feel as if I have stopped banging my head against a brick wall.
Lots of thanks to everyone who has supported me since I joined TP.

 

[meme]

that is good ..hope your black eye is ok? x

 

[Izzy]

I'm glad your mum is safe now. Take scare of yourself ow - especially that eye!

 

[lin1]

Am glad to hear your Mum is now safe.
I hope you find a good place nr you soon
but also take a breather as it's important to look after yourself

 

[jelli]

Hi
I have a similar situation.
My Mum has Alzheimer's, diagnosed just over two years ago (though they suspect she has had the condition for around six years) and although she is 80 she is physically very fit.
She has been wandering in the middle of the night and taking walks up to the next village, over 2 miles away, walking in the rain etc. We are trying to find a good care home for her but as she has never known she has the condition, says there is nothing wrong with her. She did have carers calling in four times a day around meal times but as they looked like medical staff in their uniforms, Mum constantly demanded they leave and this became so much of a problem with her pushing the carers that they have withdrawn their staff on safety grounds.
We took Mum to visit a home this weekend and to have an assessment but after ten minutes she became angry and absolutely would not stay, stating that we were trying to 'put her away in one of those places'. This home cannot take her on. Even if another home would take her, we just don't know how to get her to agree to go. So fiercely independent but so vulnerable. She has lost the ability to prepare food and drink and to stay safe.
Any advice?

 

[janma221]

Hi
I have a similar situation.
My Mum has Alzheimer's, diagnosed just over two years ago (though they suspect she has had the condition for around six years) and although she is 80 she is physically very fit.
She has been wandering in the middle of the night and taking walks up to the next village, over 2 miles away, walking in the rain etc. We are trying to find a good care home for her but as she has never known she has the condition, says there is nothing wrong with her. She did have carers calling in four times a day around meal times but as they looked like medical staff in their uniforms, Mum constantly demanded they leave and this became so much of a problem with her pushing the carers that they have withdrawn their staff on safety grounds.
We took Mum to visit a home this weekend and to have an assessment but after ten minutes she became angry and absolutely would not stay, stating that we were trying to 'put her away in one of those places'. This home cannot take her on. Even if another home would take her, we just don't know how to get her to agree to go. So fiercely independent but so vulnerable. She has lost the ability to prepare food and drink and to stay safe.
Any advice?

I think after being picked up by the police 3 times in one week and she seems to have got even worse lately that some level of awareness of how vulnerable she is has got through to her. I wish I could give you better advice, Mum was extremely rude to her carers and put the chain on the door or went out to escape from them. I am so sorry you are going through this it took me so long and so many phone calls but again I have spoken to mental health teams in our area and just across the border and both said they would have committed her ages ago. It was just her Local Authority that wanted her to stay at home to maintain her independence despite being a danger to herself and others.
Take care
Jan xxxx

 

[janma221]

Thanks everyone the eye is looking a lot better only pale purple now

 

[lin1]

Thanks everyone the eye is looking a lot better only pale purple now

Looking a pretty colour then

Seriously thhough
I do hope your Mum can be close to you soon

 

[Mipsi]

I do wish that local authorities would stop saying that dementia sufferers respond best to staying at home for their independence when its clearly more about them wanting to save money (I realise now). I bought into this and believed it was best for my mum, while all the time she was getting more and more distressed and eventually got sent to emergency respite after saying she was frightened to go home from day centre. She was relieved and so happy to be safe and cared for, I wish that I had been encouraged to get her into care earlier.

I realise that not everyone has such a smooth transition but my feelings are that there shouldn't be a bias due to money when dealing with vulnerability. My mum wasn't mobile so that fended off some possible problems in a strange way but the phone calls were hard to deal with (in the night, in the day, at work.....)

 

[PattieL]

My mom is 84 and diagnosed with advanced dementia about a year ago. She's had very similar bouts in the beginning. She was very combative, had our share of bumps and bruises, locking herself in, which eventually led to her husband of 20 years (not my father) leaving her because he couldn't deal with it. So now here we are, my siblings and all taking turns caring for her. She has calmed down quite a bit (meds) but is unable to cook for herself, and cannot be left alone. I work full time and have to devote most of my days off and holidays spending time away from my own family to be with mom at her home where she is the most content. We all share taking care of her and understand its our duty to care for my mom and we have all accepted full responsibility, but at what point do we say enough! As I said mom is most comfortable at her home, so we all take turns and pack up our belongings leaving the comforts of our home and families to stay with mom at her home. Is it wrong to force her to stay with us? My own house is completely out of order and I have to spend every spare moment to try to maintain it to keep my sanity. I am unable to even plan family events because I have to be home with mom because she doesn't do well at gatherings and repeatedly complains or throws fits because she wants to go home. Am I being selfish or is it just that I may be a little resentful because I just left my house looking at my grandson in the rear view mirror crying for his grandma to stay!

 

[angecmc]

I totally agree with Mipsi, we had to really fight for Mum to get permanent care, my poor Dad was her main carer with my help, we were tearing our hair out trying to keep her safe. My dad is 80 and frail in poor health himself, I eventually said to SS if my father applied for a job as a carer right now, they would laugh and not employ him. We eventually got what was needed, sadly Dad feels so guilty and says his heart is broken, but I know they are now both safe, not happy but definately safe. He sees her every day and knows she is in the right place, but he does not like it one bit. These people who say home is best should walk in our shoes,I bet they would call for residential care within a day xx

Ange

 

[janma221]

Thanks for all the replies. I realise now I should have been a lot more forceful. It was partly her wandering three times in one week that moved things along but I think the fact I was near breaking down on the phone and they realised that I couldn't take the worry of early morning phone calls and holding down a full time job. She was in potentially dangerous situations. She was found stuck in the mud near a river and was only picked up because a jogger spotted her, found wandering on the grass verge of a motorway to name but 2 situations where she was a danger to herself and others. Even the police when told she "didn't meet the criteria for going into care" were stunned. One policewoman even asked them what their bloody criteria was, she was horrified. Thankfully the mental health teams in the area where I live thought she should have been in care a long time ago. Sorry for long rant but I feel guilty I should have done this ages ago.