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Mum is refusing to let us organise carers for her

Marler19

Registered User
May 16, 2021
10
0
My mother (ex head teacher and super fierce but well into Alzheimer’s) is adamantly saying she won’t let my sister and I organise visiting carers for her. We live some way away from her and both have lives which mean we can’t move in, though recently between us we have been there 24/7. When I try to discuss it - sometimes mentioning my own mental health which feels very precarious- I get the full guilt trip “oh well I suppose I’ll see you every couple of months then” when we have done SO much for so long. I find it incredibly upsetting. We have a nice woman from a recommended care agency visiting on Tuesday morning. I literally cannot bear to carry on like this, the stress is making me nearly suicidal. Does anyone have advice on getting past this point? My sister and I are both in agreement that we need professional help to deal with our very difficult mother. Thank you for reading!
 

Agzy

Registered User
Nov 16, 2016
1,987
0
Moreton, Wirral. UK.
Hi @Marler19 and welcome, this is so difficult to deal with and from experience know how the struggle gets you down. One possible avenue is through your mums GP as I’m sure they can advise given the ever increasing number of patients with dementia in some form or other. My OH wouldn't ask for a memory test and as we are not married it made it difficult but I wrote to her GP and it was introduce in the conversation at an ordinary visit and Pauline agreed immediately when GP advised it, good luck.
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
3,075
0
Hi @Marler19 and welcome to Dementia Talking Point. My mother was very similar in that I couldn't move in with her or have her move in with me and she refused all my attempts to get some support for her. At the time I first became concerned all she really needed was a little help with shopping and housework, but even when she started finding both those things more difficult and was finding cooking tricky too she refused help. I knew she wouldn't have let carers in even if I'd arranged it behind her back.
Do you have a diagnosis for your mother and have you tried to get a care need assessment from social services? Do you also have Lasting Power of Attorney? If you don't I try to get it before it's too late. If you do I think now might be the time to consider a move to care home. I know it's not what your mother wants, but if she needs someone there twenty-four hours a day it sounds like it might be time for one. I moved my mother into a care home as she was rapidly becoming a danger to herself and to others and lived too far away to get there every time there was an emergency.
I'm sure others will be along shortly with their own suggestions. This is a very friendly and supportive place and you'll get lots of help and advice here.
 

Rosettastone57

Registered User
Oct 27, 2016
1,525
0
My mother (ex head teacher and super fierce but well into Alzheimer’s) is adamantly saying she won’t let my sister and I organise visiting carers for her. We live some way away from her and both have lives which mean we can’t move in, though recently between us we have been there 24/7. When I try to discuss it - sometimes mentioning my own mental health which feels very precarious- I get the full guilt trip “oh well I suppose I’ll see you every couple of months then” when we have done SO much for so long. I find it incredibly upsetting. We have a nice woman from a recommended care agency visiting on Tuesday morning. I literally cannot bear to carry on like this, the stress is making me nearly suicidal. Does anyone have advice on getting past this point? My sister and I are both in agreement that we need professional help to deal with our very difficult mother. Thank you for reading!
If you wait for a person with dementia to agree with you or see your point of view, you will wait forever. My mother in law was like this. She lived on her own in her own home and wanted my husband with her all the time. She was self funding and we had lasting power of attorney for her finances and health. She quickly lost her ability to plan meals and cook for her self. We arranged a private care agency to get her meals prompt medication and make sure she was ok. We didn't discuss it with her, the default answer was always no. She screamed and shouted ,as far as she was concerned she was fine. My husband ignored the aggression and arranged it anyway, whether she liked it or not. We told her the carers were in training to deal with "difficult people " and she needed to report back to me how they were so they could learn from the experience. Of course the agency were in on the ruse.

This worked well for about 3 years, until she deteriorated and eventually went into full-time care.
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
1,523
0
High Peak
It very much depends on your relationship with your mother and her current stage of cognition. I have 2 suggestions (though others may be horrified!) 1) Get mean. And 2) Lie through your teeth.

E.g. if your mum hates the idea of a care home (and no one says, 'Oh yes! Please put me in a care home!'), tell her that unless she agrees to carers coming in she will have to move to a care home. Tell her the doctor/consultant/social services have said so and she'll have no choice.

Or take a different tack that might appeal to her nature. My mother believed she'd been a headmistress (not true!) and liked to boss people about and tell them they were thick or were doing things wrong. Might you tell your mum that there's a new (free!) government scheme and the person/people coming to help her are just learning and need some experience? Ask her to keep an eye on them and let you know how well they do. The manager at mum's care home would give mum a clip board and pen and ask her to keep an eye on the staff!

Another idea is that the carer is a friend of yours and needs a little job so your mum would be helping you out.

Or develop a bad back. 'Sorry I can't come today mum - I've put my back out so I'm sending a lady to do your lunch/sort your meds/do a bit of cleaning instead.'

There is no point trying to reason with your mum - as you have found! She's never going to admit she needs help so will just make you feel guilty for not coming. Dear Mama would do this when I visited her at her care home. Even with advanced dementia she was a master at guilt-inducing sarcasm: 'Oh don't worry about me - I'm sure your life is far more important...' Sigh.

For you at this point, it's about getting the help your mother needs, by whatever means. Good luck!
 

Lynmax

Registered User
Nov 1, 2016
786
0
We lied through our teeth to get weekend carers for mum! Me and my siblings covered daily care visits during the week but we wanted a break at the weekends and also thought mum needed to get used to having carers in advance of us going on holiday or being ill ourselves.

I arranged for the manager of the company to do her pre assessment visit while I was with mum and introduced her as a friend of mine who had popped in for a cup of tea. This lady then sat and chatted to mum about all sorts of things, very cleverly finding out what mums life was like, her interests, care needs etc. By the end of the visit, mum was convinced that this lady was a friend and was quite happy at the thought of her visiting again to bring some lunch with her.

Although mum had forgotten all about this visit when the manager came back again the next week to introduce the actual Carer, Mums good manners ( and a few more lies from me) meant she would not admit this and so the carers became old friends just popping in for a visit bringing food with them! Luckily that was exactly what we wanted from the agency, to provide a hot meal every visit, sit with mum while she ate and just chat with her for two hours. No mention was ever made of money.
 

Racha1

New member
May 17, 2021
6
0
Hi All... new to this group and sadly can relate to all of the above... My Mum was diagnosed in 2020 and as you will all know it is a living nightmare... from her being my role model/rock..., strong, independent and now child like and if I am honest, please do not judge, not a nice person to being around, although loved dearly... Her hygiene is awful and will only bath/hair wash when I go up, and like many of you, I do not live near, although go up at least every other week for 2/3 days (thankfully I can work from anywhere) . I have managed to get her into the hairdressers once a week now, but it's the bathing...she thinks her husband is hitting her (he is not) or trying to drown her (also not) so will not let him near her, which is horrendous as he is her main carer. Her aggression towards him is shocking, feel so sorry for him, when I call she just cries and begs me to come and get her away from him..then I will call later in the day and she loves him!... I think the idea of a carer coming him is a really good idea and especially building a 'friendship' would help... do you go via SS or was this private? thank you for listening...
 

nellbelles

Volunteer Host
Nov 6, 2008
9,215
0
leicester
Hello @Racha1 welcome to DTP
It does sound difficult trying to care at long distance for your Mum, I think your idea of starting carers sooner rather than later is a good idea.
If your Mum is self funding you can arrange for carers yourself otherwise you will need to contact SS for a needs assessment for your Mum and a carers assessment would also be helpful.
I hope now you have found the forum you will continue to post for support and to share your experiences.
 

Racha1

New member
May 17, 2021
6
0
Hello @Racha1 welcome to DTP
It does sound difficult trying to care at long distance for your Mum, I think your idea of starting carers sooner rather than later is a good idea.
If your Mum is self funding you can arrange for carers yourself otherwise you will need to contact SS for a needs assessment for your Mum and a carers assessment would also be helpful.
I hope now you have found the forum you will continue to post for support and to share your experiences.
Thank you
 

jknight

Registered User
Oct 23, 2015
792
0
Hampshire
I introduced carers as my friends who were popping in for a coffee & a chat. They make sure mum takes her medication, lay her tray ready for meals on wheels and make a sandwich for tea. Hopefully, when mum needs more support, she will accept it (not holding my breath!!)
 

Marler19

Registered User
May 16, 2021
10
0
I introduced carers as my friends who were popping in for a coffee & a chat. They make sure mum takes her medication, lay her tray ready for meals on wheels and make a sandwich for tea. Hopefully, when mum needs more support, she will accept it (not holding my breath!
My mother (ex head teacher and super fierce but well into Alzheimer’s) is adamantly saying she won’t let my sister and I organise visiting carers for her. We live some way away from her and both have lives which mean we can’t move in, though recently between us we have been there 24/7. When I try to discuss it - sometimes mentioning my own mental health which feels very precarious- I get the full guilt trip “oh well I suppose I’ll see you every couple of months then” when we have done SO much for so long. I find it incredibly upsetting. We have a nice woman from a recommended care agency visiting on Tuesday morning. I literally cannot bear to carry on like this, the stress is making me nearly suicidal. Does anyone have advice on getting past this point? My sister and I are both in agreement that we need professional help to deal with our very difficult mother. Thank you for reading!
 

Marler19

Registered User
May 16, 2021
10
0
My mother (ex head teacher and super fierce but well into Alzheimer’s) is adamantly saying she won’t let my sister and I organise visiting carers for her. We live some way away from her and both have lives which mean we can’t move in, though recently between us we have been there 24/7. When I try to discuss it - sometimes mentioning my own mental health which feels very precarious- I get the full guilt trip “oh well I suppose I’ll see you every couple of months then” when we have done SO much for so long. I find it incredibly upsetting. We have a nice woman from a recommended care agency visiting on Tuesday morning. I literally cannot bear to carry on like this, the stress is making me nearly suicidal. Does anyone have advice on getting past this point? My sister and I are both in agreement that we need professional help to deal with our very difficult mother. Thank you for reading!
Amazingly the visit from the care agency lady went quite well and mum has agreed to a visit from ‘someone who lives round the corner’, initially for an hour once a week! I don’t think it will be plain sailing but I feel very relieved that we have started the ball rolling. Fingers crossed!!! And thanks for the supportive replies!
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
3,075
0
My mother in law seemed OK with the idea of carers when they came for the assessment. When they finally turned up she'd forgotten all about it and claimed she had never agreed. My husband just apologised, said they should have told her and that just to see how it went. A few months later she loves them and is very happy to see them. Fingers crossed it is the same with your mum @Marler19 .
 

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