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Mum is really violent

Kazza-72

Registered User
Dec 15, 2015
61
Chiswick, London
Oh and don't feel guilty for daring to think about yourself and your kitties. You have put yourself last for too long


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
 

DMac

Registered User
Jul 18, 2015
535
Surrey, UK
Badgeman, do you have a safe refuge in your home somewhere? A bolt hole where you can keep a barrier between you and your mum, if you need to? And have a phone handy so you can call 999?

Wishing you a peaceful night's sleep and thinking of you. xxx
 

Badgeman

Registered User
Feb 22, 2014
97
Badgeman, do you have a safe refuge in your home somewhere? A bolt hole where you can keep a barrier between you and your mum, if you need to? And have a phone handy so you can call 999?

Wishing you a peaceful night's sleep and thinking of you. xxx
I'm not just responding to you but to all the kind people on the forum.

After I last posted things went downhill. The SS gave me an emergency number and I thought I would be okay, and I dozed off, only to wake up to screaming and shouting again. Mum was hitting me with her walking stick and was hysterical. I rang the emergency number the SS gave me and they wouldn't do anything unless I contacted my GP, even though he could hear mum beating the door with her stick and threatening to kill me. He sought of suggested that it would be my word against hers, and there are no beds anyway as she is no longer under section.

What happened next was mum said I'm going around the house (I'm cutting the whole thing short to save time), and she went round the back of my house and had a bad fall. She smacked her head open and bruised her legs badly. I put the phone down on the useless SS and rang an ambulance. She was lying in a pool of water whilst she screamed 'he's trying to kill me', over and over again, and so all the neighbors came out. I don't know what they thought, but some were at least kind to mum.

She's got a massive black eye, but the ambulance men were not really concerned about any serious injury. I don't think anybody understands or cares about how violent and upset she is, and they don't believe that I'm not hitting her. She is at the moment muttering loudly about her badly I treat her and how she's going to report me... She doesn't know the difference between 6am or 6pm, and gets really angry that I'm in bed asleep. I'm shaking because at any moment the screaming and violence will start.

There is a review of her case by the SS and the hospital on Tuesday, I feel awful to say this, but if they don't give her a bed, I'm off. I cannot spend my life walking on eggshells. I don't have much cash, but I'll go to a hotel for a couple of days. Just to go to bed when I like, and not worry about being selfish and getting a shower.

Things are so bad. I do not do anything bad to her, but she is deteriorating and not only violent but becoming incontinant. I could cope with that, but I cannot cope with her violence and abuse.

So sorry to all for being a moaning Minnie. I don't have any family or friends, they don't want to be involved, especially when they find out how I'll she's become.

Thank you all.
 

Badgeman

Registered User
Feb 22, 2014
97
Badgeman I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope you and your cats will be ok, I totally sympathise as I am facing the same issue. Do you have any other family?


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Thank you, I hope it works out for you, it's most kind you responded. At the moment it's the only words of comfort I can give.

Stay strong.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,856
South coast
Dear badgeman, I do not know how to advise you, but you are not, not, NOT a moaning minnie.
You have reached the end of your tether.
 

Cat27

Volunteer Moderator
Feb 27, 2015
11,453
Merseyside
Write down everything that has happened over the last few days & give it to them at the review & insist they read it.
 

Mrsbusy

Registered User
Aug 15, 2015
355
You deserve a medal! People like you should be in the New Years honours list for dealing with this everyday without fuss and self pity!

Firstly, I wouldn't worry about her accusations as you spoke to GP and he could hear situation for himself on the ozone, which gives you a witness if need be. Secondly I don't think you need a witness as she will be the same when in hospital. Thirdly, I too would refuse to put myself back into the same position if the situation isn't resolved properly to the point that you have your life back for you just refuse to allow her home. Harsh it may seem but you have done enough.

Finally, please please go to the GP ASAP. Speak to him about everything, to get it off your chest and to put him in the picture. I think it would be an idea if you could to ask him for some medication to help you through the next few months. Often people can have a breakdown themselves after traumatic events, but cope at the time of the event. If you could get some medication to just take the edge off things you would cope better with legal issues, housing etc.

Regarding the housing situation if you are helped by the GP he could help with the housing situation too and may get the housing guys to understand your situation sympathetically. Your cats I wouldn't worry too much about as they may feel less stressed with your mother out of the situation. I have three cats and live in rented private accommodation and landlords are quite accommodating in respect of cats, unfortunately not so with dogs. So if you do need to move don't let that worry. If you need any legal help try Shelter as they know everything.

For now just be kind to yourself and take one day at a time. Please keep us posted. Hoping 2016 is such a better year for you.
 

Badgeman

Registered User
Feb 22, 2014
97
You deserve a medal! People like you should be in the New Years honours list for dealing with this everyday without fuss and self pity!

Firstly, I wouldn't worry about her accusations as you spoke to GP and he could hear situation for himself on the ozone, which gives you a witness if need be. Secondly I don't think you need a witness as she will be the same when in hospital. Thirdly, I too would refuse to put myself back into the same position if the situation isn't resolved properly to the point that you have your life back for you just refuse to allow her home. Harsh it may seem but you have done enough.

Finally, please please go to the GP ASAP. Speak to him about everything, to get it off your chest and to put him in the picture. I think it would be an idea if you could to ask him for some medication to help you through the next few months. Often people can have a breakdown themselves after traumatic events, but cope at the time of the event. If you could get some medication to just take the edge off things you would cope better with legal issues, housing etc.

Regarding the housing situation if you are helped by the GP he could help with the housing situation too and may get the housing guys to understand your situation sympathetically. Your cats I wouldn't worry too much about as they may feel less stressed with your mother out of the situation. I have three cats and live in rented private accommodation and landlords are quite accommodating in respect of cats, unfortunately not so with dogs. So if you do need to move don't let that worry. If you need any legal help try Shelter as they know everything.

For now just be kind to yourself and take one day at a time. Please keep us posted. Hoping 2016 is such a better year for you.
Thank you, I'm not trying to be brief, I've only had a couple of hours and I medicated mum. I need to grad a couple of hours before carers et al arrive at 2pm. Fingers crossed, she stays medicated until this afternoon, as much as I hate saying that.

Thanks to you, and thank you all.
 

PeggySmith

Registered User
Apr 16, 2012
1,683
BANES
Badgeman, if she kicks off again before Tuesday dial 999 and get the police. I know it sounds extreme, but I've been where you are now and they WILL deal with your Mum quickly and efficiently.
 

nannylondon

Registered User
Apr 7, 2014
2,475
London
Badgeman please don't hesitate to call 999 if there is any more violence I was in a similar situation earlier in the year with my OH and the police were fantastic and he finally got the help he needed and remember it's not your mum it's this horrible illness sending you a virtual hug
 

missmarple

Registered User
Jan 14, 2013
204
I'll second what nanny says all my contacts with the police when Dad was at his most restless and antisocial were most supportive, I wouldn't be surprised to find out they get dementia training these days. She does not have capacity and there will be no legal repercussions on her, but it can only help if they come out and see for themselves what she's like.
 

Chaucer 1931

Registered User
Mar 30, 2014
226
I've only just caught up with your post Badgeman,but I'd like to offer my support as I have had and still do similar situations with my mum-although she isn't mobile as such now-I've been through the same as you-her being aggressive towards me-when she is all sweetness and light and the stereotypical little frail old lady,and the confabulations have hurt more than the physical attacks-the accusations I get from 'she's trying to kill me" and she's killed me I'm dead... I'm used to being accused so nothing phases me now,it is a step closer to the end in her disease.. It used to hurt and I have learnt to let it go over my head.. The cpn says it is part of her vascular dementia and the confabulations are usual text book stuff..
It causes me concern,though when my mum is black and blue from her 'dementia dreams' and I get accused of beating her up and murdering her,that is what I hate and cannot tolerate..I've been told by the gp to ring the district nurse to come and give her a shot of a anti psychotic/sedative to calm her when she is like so agitated.. You have my understanding and empathy because I live with this 24/7 without much support too..
 

Badgeman

Registered User
Feb 22, 2014
97
I've only just caught up with your post Badgeman,but I'd like to offer my support as I have had and still do similar situations with my mum-although she isn't mobile as such now-I've been through the same as you-her being aggressive towards me-when she is all sweetness and light and the stereotypical little frail old lady,and the confabulations have hurt more than the physical attacks-the accusations I get from 'she's trying to kill me" and she's killed me I'm dead... I'm used to being accused so nothing phases me now,it is a step closer to the end in her disease.. It used to hurt and I have learnt to let it go over my head.. The cpn says it is part of her vascular dementia and the confabulations are usual text book stuff..
It causes me concern,though when my mum is black and blue from her 'dementia dreams' and I get accused of beating her up and murdering her,that is what I hate and cannot tolerate..I've been told by the gp to ring the district nurse to come and give her a shot of a anti psychotic/sedative to calm her when she is like so agitated.. You have my understanding and empathy because I live with this 24/7 without much support too..
I read your reply a couple of days ago.

My heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry you've been through all this. I understand so much.

Thank you so kindly for replying.
 

AlsoConfused

Registered User
Sep 17, 2010
1,953
Buying time so that you can put off problems and decisions you're too exhausted to deal with now is often a life-saver ...

Realistically your Mum sounds so ill and violent she'll have to be sectioned. That will mean at the very least a break for you, in which you can recover and slowly start to make plans for yourself and your cats. It normally takes weeks before an assessment unit can get anyone well enough to return home OR reach the decision that a return home would not be in the patient's best interests.

While she's away you'll have time to think and consult.

You may have legal rights to remain in your home - to find out you need to consult Shelter, the Citizens Advice Bureau and / or the housing association (if that's the owner of your home).

There may not be any individual or organisation with the legal right to "evict" you or any interest in doing so. If your Mum owns the home you share and if her future care will be paid for by the NHS (as is quite possible), then no-one's likely to interfere with the present arrangements.

Your situation may be more promising than you think it is. I hope it will be.