Warning much pity me ahead.
Thank you to everyone who has been so kind. I guess I'm using this thread to let of steam. Canary wisely said I need to feel the emotions, but not hold on to them. I'm having trouble there. I'm not good at letting go of anything.
Away from talking point my friends have also been kind. They have called and texted and told me they are there for me, that I am not alone and that I can call anytime to talk. It's my insecurities at play, but to my mind I am alone and I feel their words are empty, so I pretend for my own sake to be much stronger than I am. I don't trust the caring words and I want to be a burden or a nuisance. I'm frightened to be reliant on them, to impose and expect too much in case they disappear. If only because I cannot voice any of this to them, they'd be horrified, I'm writing things here to let the feelings out at least a bit.
Poor mum. Not a lot of change today, the only thing is that she wasn't responding to staff or us today whereas yesterday she would at least respond to the staff. She's just lying there waiting and we, my cousin and I are waiting too. I am only there for a few hours a day. I cannot cope with more. I have no idea how people spend all day and night at their loved ones side. I feel bad, but I cannot do it. It's heartbreaking. The problem is that when I'm not there I want to be phoning to check on her every minute. I resist because it's unfair to tie staff up like that. If there's no change there is so little they can say and if there was a toss up between them answering my call or checking on mum I'd want them to go to mum every time so I do not make the call, or at least just in the morning to check how her night has been. Once a day to my mind cannot surely get in the way to much.
The staff will call me if she deteriorates when I'm not there. I'm terrified of that call. I really am a mess.
