Mum is now at risk: what to do?

[David1]

I am my Mum's main carer, though I work full-time and though I have recently moved from Mum's house into a nearby flat with my fiancée. I have been caring for my Mum for three years, and now I just don't know what to do.

Until my recent move to my new flat, I was able to check on Mum in the morning, before I went to work. I could put food out and give her a drink if she was up before I left for work. Now that is not possible.

Mum is resisting care visits at lunchtime. She has reached the stage where she is pushing carers away from the front door, down two steps. Clearly this means she is not getting food at lunchtime, or at least it is not apparent what she is trying to make for herself. She has not been able to make proper food for herself for a long time now. She has lost weight, and my Mum's neighbour said she noticed how much thinner Mum is now.

I can phone Mum in the daytime, and am struggling with my own exhaustion to make her dinner every eve, whilst trying to maintain some normality in my own life with my fiancee. I struggle with my own life, because I have an underlying chronic fatigue/ME illness which means I have to manage my own resources/sleep etc with great care. I have just started a new job, and don't want to risk this as it is a passport to my future life with my future wife. I am 43 years old, so still plenty to live for.

My Mum's circumstances are causing me terrible anxiety. She has shut herself out of her house and not been able to get back in, forgetting that she'd gone out back door and trying to get back in through the front door. Both doors cannot be locked or latched by her from the outside, so she cannot lock herself out. She just has to remember which door she went out of - which now is a problem! Luckily my Mum's neighbour spotted Mum trying to get back in the house, but that was pure luck. What if Mum had not been spotted by anyone?

I am worried about Mum's welfare. She has no idea that anything is really wrong. She thinks she is fine on her own. She thinks she can cope. She hates the carers. My sister has contacted Mum's GP about on going referral to CPN, but nothing is happening fast enough for us. Nobody seems to see how bad things are.

Do I contact social services? Do we try respite care in a home? Mum will hate whatever we do, as she just seems to want life to go on as it is. But this life is knocking the stuffing out of me, and I feel i'm losing my health now. I woke at 4.45 this morning, and at work this week I've been nearly falling asleep in the afternoon. In a new job, started this Monday, that is not good.

I feel lost, and sad, and out of ideas. I feel so responsible for Mum's care, but she is only eating properly when prompted by me. I have to go round in the evening and weekend, because she won't accept anyone else (except my sister who lives 30mins drive away), no matter how many ways I spin it. It is a big burden. I don't have the strength to carry it. I want to escape. I want to be healthy and feel good just one morning. I want to be present for my lovely fiancee.

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[Grannie G]

Hello David

I`m sorry you are so distraught and am afraid the situation is such you may have to be ruled by your head rather than your heart.

I suggest you contact Social Services and the GP for further advice. They will know your mother is rejecting help from carers but will not do anything more unless you ask for help. Tell them your mother is a vulnerable adult and at risk and unless something is done you may be facing a crisis situation.

 

[BeckyJan]

Hello David,
Things are obviously very difficult for you now. I do agree you should be involving SS as soon as possible. Pester them indicating that your Mum is at risk and vulnerable and you are unable to always be available for her practical care. Ask for an assessment for your Mother and for yourself as main carer. This factsheet explains and you must stress it is urgent.

http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents_info.php?documentID=131

I suggest also that you contact the local branch of the Alzheimer's Society as they may have a Dementia Support Worker who can offer advice too. You can find them here:
http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents.php?categoryID=200121

Sadly your Mother is not going to be happy with any changes or what she perceives as interference in her life. However things are not going to get better and she obviously needs more support. Once the right support be in place there is a chance she will adjust and feel more confident, with possible improvement in general health.

You are right to take action now and prevent your own relationship and career to be affected. That is what your Mother would wish too, if it were not for this wretched illness.

Take care

 

[Beate]

I work full-time time while caring for my OH and I could not do it without daily Day Centre and sitting service. You have to contact Social Services and say she is a vulnerable adult who is putting herself AT RISK. Believe me, unless you make it an emergency and lay it on thick, they will not do anything. But once she's had an assessment (and you need a carer's assessment too), the ball will start rolling. I know you say your Mum doesn't like carers but try to sell her the idea of Day Centre as she will be with other people, get fed a hot lunch and participate in activities - it will do her no end of good. You can also ask for telecare options, i.e. memory devices, tracker alarms, door sensors - there's a whole range of very useful gadgets out there. Please contact them NOW. Look into respite options - you are legally entitled to a certain number of weeks a year and you HAVE to look after your health.

 

[starryuk]

I feel lost, and sad, and out of ideas. I feel so responsible for Mum's care, but she is only eating properly when prompted by me. I have to go round in the evening and weekend, because she won't accept anyone else (except my sister who lives 30mins drive away), no matter how many ways I spin it. It is a big burden.

It is...and so frustrating when your mum refuses the help you have organised. The constant worry is such a strain. I wonder if it would help to begin to make plans for your mum's future care, for when she needs 24/7 supervision. Do you have LPA for your mum? Keep badgering the CPN. Tell them your mum is alone and vulnerable. Keep a log of your mum's risky behaviour.

Trying respite is a very good idea. Many people here send their relatives for 'a little holiday' to a 'nice hotel'. Perhaps you could say you are going away for a couple of days...or 'the doctor says you need a rest'. Some people say things like 'there is a gas leak, so you will have to move out while it is being fixed.'

Meanwhile, what about leaving lots of calorific snacks around in full view for your mum to pick at during the day? Bananas? Chocolate? Crisps? Anything she enjoys? Leave easy to eat snacks in the fridge for her, so that she can see them when she opens the fridge (if she still does that). Perhaps you do this already. I think there comes a time when quantity is more important than quality of food. Cook extra portions of your own food, freeze and take them to your mum's to put in the microwave when you go in after work.

Certainly you need to conserve your own energy and protect your own future with your fiancée. There is no need to feel guilty about doing that.

 

[jugglingmum]

Certainly you need to conserve your own energy and protect your own future with your fiancée. There is no need to feel guilty about doing that.

Everyone else has said what to do for your mum. But this bit for you is just as important.

One of the frustrating things I found with the crisis my mum hit is everything seems to take far longer than it should. In my case, whilst frustrating there is no danger.

If you think your mum is in danger you or your sister need to contact SS saying she is a vulnerable adult and a danger to herself laying it on thick about getting locked out of her house and pushing carers away. My mum wasn't in this situation, but reading others posts this is the advice often given.

My mum says she isn't happy with what I sorted out (flat in extra care) but it was the best available option and she is eating and no longer lonely and safe. And actually she is a lot happier than she was.

I am a little older than you, work and have 2 kids and life is hard to balance. You are doing your best and you can't do more.