Mum, is now a story teller

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by janetruth, May 21, 2007.

  1. janetruth

    janetruth Registered User

    Mar 20, 2007
    563
    nuneaton
    My Daughter, who is 21 in June and lives with her boyfriend, very kindly offered to sit with my mum yesterday. I must add that she has sat with her for an hour on several Sunday afternoons, while my partner and I go to visit his Mum.

    Anyway, on our return, some 3 hours later (partners family bithday lunch out) all seemed well. My Daughter has got used to her Grandma getting 'mixed up' and can handle that. But my mum was telling her 'so convincingly' that she is treated badly, that my Daughter said if she had been a stranger she would have believed her. It upset my Daughter, as it made her think my mum was being ungrateful and tried to protect me, and managed to change the subject.
    My mum seemed ok when my Daughter left and enjoyed the dinner I cooked for her, which she ate, outside, while watching my partner doing some gardening.
    I must admit for a while I was hurt by what my mum had been saying to my Daughter and have to keep reminding muself it's the nature of ILLNESS.

    Take Care Bye for now
    Janetruth x
     
  2. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #2 Margarita, May 21, 2007
    Last edited: May 21, 2007
    Yes as that use to happen with me with my mother , may be she feel indifferent , because she living in your house .


    My mother use to say thing's to my friend behind my back about me and my friend would tell me & mum would tell my daughter that I never use to feed her and this was when I just started to look after her , then where your naturally spending time with your partner not with her all the time , she could be feeling jealous , you just can't win

    Oh bless that Just what my daughter use :) to think , then it just put my daughter of looking after my mother , but I talk them around to try to understand , But now its all stop & mum now talks about my daughter friends that she does not like to me . she tell me one is ugly has big lips . I am just glad she says it all in Spanish , so they don't understand . because all my daughters friends are so lovely towards mum , kissing her & soon as they gone she moaning about how they look :)
     
  3. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Janetruth

    It must have been so hurtful for your mum to speak of you in that way to your daughter. It was very clever of her to manage to change the subject.

    You know you're looking after your mum well, and your daughter knows that too. But this paranoia happens so often in AD patients. It doesn't take away the hurt, though, does it?

    Try to talk it through with your daughter and partner when it happens. You need their reassurance.

    Love,
     
  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,560
    Kent
    Hi Jane,

    When my husband was having a bad day, he went to our next door neighbour`s to ask him where the pensions office was, as `the woman next door` [me] `is taking all my money`.

    It`s very hurtful when things like this first happen, but i`m afraid like so many things, you will probably get used to it.

    You and your family know how much you are doing for your mother, if she gets it wrong, it`s not her fault.

    Keep saying this and one day you might even believe it.

    Take care,

    Love xx
     
  5. janetruth

    janetruth Registered User

    Mar 20, 2007
    563
    nuneaton
    Hi Margarita

    Thanks for your support and it made me laugh when you said your Mum says things about your Daughters freinds, in Spanish.
    My mum says things to me about people, when she thinks they can't hear her and I sometimes wish she could speak another Language, so they couldn't understand her.
    Before the ILLNESS she was never critical about people, shes also become VERY nosey too.
    It has taken time for my Daughter to come to terms with this new situation, but she is a chip off the old block and loves me as much as I love 'my Mum'.

    Hi Hazel

    Thanks for your reply, no it doesn;t take away the hurt, even though I know it's the ILLNESS. We do talk, but you can never cover all situations and it hasn't put my Daughter off sitting with her Grandma.

    Hi Sylvia

    Thanks for your reply, you also made me laugh, whats it like to be refered to as the woman next door ?Mymy Mum has said lots of things that I could have been hurt from, but I think it was because my Daughter was hurt, for me, that made it worse.
    Anyway I'm sure there will be many more 'hurtful' comments to come.
    Take Care Bye for now
    Janetruth x
     
  6. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    I can so relate to that , thats just how I felt thanks for sharing .
     
  7. janetruth

    janetruth Registered User

    Mar 20, 2007
    563
    nuneaton
    Hi Margarita

    I always say to my Daughter, that my love for my mum is like her love for me, I think you are rjght about jealousy though.
    At first I think it was my Daughter, who was jealous of not having me to herself,when she came round, as we had to be careful what we said in front of Mum.
    Now we spend time together, going for lunch etc on saturdays while my partner looks after Mum.
    Now I think that Mum could be showing signs of jealousy when I am not with her, as she relys on me for so many things.
    I think you must have had some terrible times in the past, having your Mum and children to cope with. There must have been some wonderful times too. Plenty of love and of course music.
    Take Care Bye for now
    Janetruth x
     
  8. Charlyparly

    Charlyparly Registered User

    Nov 26, 2006
    221
    Lancashire
    Getting you shot

    Hi everyone,

    As awful as it sounds, this post (and the replies) didn't half make me chuckle!! It's terrible isn't it? But if you don't laugh - what else do you do?

    The face of the poor family member who has "drawn the short straw" to see if what Mum said actually has any truth in it at all - is a picture, as they approach me with a look of embarrassment at having to ask, along with the fear that Mum might be right.

    I am completely open with everyone and reassure relatives that they needn't be frightened to come and ask if it is true that we haven't fed their mother or father for six weeks. I don't want anyone to keep quiet for fear of offending - or because they think it's just "getting things mixed up".

    They then understand if I have to approach them and ask about something which they have been accused of, ("My daughter told me not to take these medicines because if I don't, I'll be dead sooner and then she can sell the farm") is just one of the things I had to tackle with a daughter who absolutely idolised her Mum. :eek:

    Be open to and expect accusations (outrageous ones in many cases!) It's not a reflection on you and it's not done with any malice.

    If I had a pound for every time I heard the following:

    • "They don't feed me in this place"
    • "I haven't had a drink of tea for days"
    • "I was in bed until this afternoon - they wouldn't get me up"
    • "My children spent all my money and now they want me done away with"
    • "I'm being held prisoner"

    Some of the things said about me personally include:

    • "That woman throws water on me during the night when nobody is looking"
    • "She keeps stealing my underwear"
    • "Look at her!! Pregnant and no wedding ring on her finger!!"
    • "She'll not let me have anything to eat" (see above)
    • "You're the one who sold my post office aren't you?"
    • "Her children don't look anything like their father do they? It makes you wonder"
    • "She's really a German you know"
      -
    • "No she's not - she's French" (the reply of another resident)
    It really is a case of "try and take it all with a pinch of salt - but take note as well"

    Charlyparly :)
     
  9. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Charleyparley

    Thank you for your post. It does help to put things in perspective.

    We all know that AD patients can develop paranoia, but to have examples set out like you have done makes it all more real -- and more easy to accept I think. It has certainly opened my eyes.

    Love,
     

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