Well, after my few weeks of thinking all is well with mum in the care home, I came home in tears after today's visit.
Please, please, anyone whose relative is not happy in their home, please let me know if you did anything about it, what you did, and how you did it.
I have read so many tales of horrendous problems coping with relatives at home, making the dreadful decision to move them to a care home, and then finding it working out well. I need to hear from those that DIDN'T find it working out well.
I didn't have any of the preliminary problems, mum went from looking after herself (so I thought, now known not to be the case), to needing 24-hour care in less than 6 weeks.
She doesn't like being in a care home, doesn't see the need, thinks drugs that she took in hospital have cured her "brain problem". She wants to go home. Impossible now, cos it has been sold and a sizeable chunk of the proceeds invested in a care home plan, non-recoverable. She can't live alone, I have to keep reminding myself of that cos there are many visits when she shows no sign of mental problems, but today she had lost all track of time, and for a few weeks now she has said someone is shouting her name (asked me to listen and tell her she was right - she was not right). She says it is driving her mad, and she cannot stay if they keep shouting her.
She doesn't like THIS care home cos the night staff are "nasty" (not seen any evidence, but as mum gets up several times in the night, is dressed and insisting on breakfast every half hour, I can imagine they sometimes have to be a bit firm that she goes back to bed). She says the food is not nice, always cold, she doesn't have enough baths. Today she says another resident was about to sit in mum's chair, and mum beat her to it, and the resident said she would hit mum if she didn't move. Anyway, she didn't, but mum was, well, not frightened, but upset. She couldn't tell me which resident it was, so I couldn't do anything about it.
Unfortunately I think, these things could arise in any care home - couldn't they?
Mum has been there 3 months. She is much less demented than most of the other residents, and much more mobile. She has sussed out residents who are pleasant and approachable, and "looks after" a few of them. She has sussed out those who are not and avoids them. She has certain staff that she particularly likes. I'd hate to go through this again in another home and find it is no different.
Today she said she wouldn't be staying there for long, and if she couldn't find somewhere else she hoped she would die fairly soon. However, she is not suffering from any illness that is likely to cause an early death, we can expect another 10 years, barring something unforseen.
I do feel sorry for her. She has really only got me to visit, and she has no interest in my life so the conversation is limited. My husband comes occasionally, but has even less conversation. She has lost all the interest she used to have in TV - sport, news, Countdown and Emmerdale. She doesn't read - oh, and has lost her glasses (what do I do about that, is she covered by the Home's insurance do you think?). The hospital lost her top teeth, I've done nothing about that yet either.
I just feel that it is one long battle. I thought that making her safe, warm, comfortable (the home is all of those) were most important, and would be stress-free for both of us. Yet it seems to be building up again, and I don't know what to do.
Any advice gratefully received. Preferably practical advice. I know lots of you will send me hugs and kisses, and I appreciate them cos I get none anywhere else, but can you add a few bits of advice as well?
My lovely dad died 3 years ago, and I cried just one night. Tonight I am crying for the first time for my mum, and I can't stop the bloody tears!
I must add, and you will all be shocked to hear this, I don't love my mum as most people do, so why am I crying? I don't like anybody to be upset, and she IS my mum, and whatever I feel for her I want her to be happy. It is my responsibility.
I feel so lost.
Oh, people talk about a Care Plan. I am not aware of one of those being done for my mum. What does that entail? Has mum got one? Should I have been involved in its preparation? And does the Social Worker ever get in touch once mum has been in the home for x weeks? Or am I just left on my own to learn how things work?
Please help if you can.
Margaret
Please, please, anyone whose relative is not happy in their home, please let me know if you did anything about it, what you did, and how you did it.
I have read so many tales of horrendous problems coping with relatives at home, making the dreadful decision to move them to a care home, and then finding it working out well. I need to hear from those that DIDN'T find it working out well.
I didn't have any of the preliminary problems, mum went from looking after herself (so I thought, now known not to be the case), to needing 24-hour care in less than 6 weeks.
She doesn't like being in a care home, doesn't see the need, thinks drugs that she took in hospital have cured her "brain problem". She wants to go home. Impossible now, cos it has been sold and a sizeable chunk of the proceeds invested in a care home plan, non-recoverable. She can't live alone, I have to keep reminding myself of that cos there are many visits when she shows no sign of mental problems, but today she had lost all track of time, and for a few weeks now she has said someone is shouting her name (asked me to listen and tell her she was right - she was not right). She says it is driving her mad, and she cannot stay if they keep shouting her.
She doesn't like THIS care home cos the night staff are "nasty" (not seen any evidence, but as mum gets up several times in the night, is dressed and insisting on breakfast every half hour, I can imagine they sometimes have to be a bit firm that she goes back to bed). She says the food is not nice, always cold, she doesn't have enough baths. Today she says another resident was about to sit in mum's chair, and mum beat her to it, and the resident said she would hit mum if she didn't move. Anyway, she didn't, but mum was, well, not frightened, but upset. She couldn't tell me which resident it was, so I couldn't do anything about it.
Unfortunately I think, these things could arise in any care home - couldn't they?
Mum has been there 3 months. She is much less demented than most of the other residents, and much more mobile. She has sussed out residents who are pleasant and approachable, and "looks after" a few of them. She has sussed out those who are not and avoids them. She has certain staff that she particularly likes. I'd hate to go through this again in another home and find it is no different.
Today she said she wouldn't be staying there for long, and if she couldn't find somewhere else she hoped she would die fairly soon. However, she is not suffering from any illness that is likely to cause an early death, we can expect another 10 years, barring something unforseen.
I do feel sorry for her. She has really only got me to visit, and she has no interest in my life so the conversation is limited. My husband comes occasionally, but has even less conversation. She has lost all the interest she used to have in TV - sport, news, Countdown and Emmerdale. She doesn't read - oh, and has lost her glasses (what do I do about that, is she covered by the Home's insurance do you think?). The hospital lost her top teeth, I've done nothing about that yet either.
I just feel that it is one long battle. I thought that making her safe, warm, comfortable (the home is all of those) were most important, and would be stress-free for both of us. Yet it seems to be building up again, and I don't know what to do.
Any advice gratefully received. Preferably practical advice. I know lots of you will send me hugs and kisses, and I appreciate them cos I get none anywhere else, but can you add a few bits of advice as well?
My lovely dad died 3 years ago, and I cried just one night. Tonight I am crying for the first time for my mum, and I can't stop the bloody tears!
I must add, and you will all be shocked to hear this, I don't love my mum as most people do, so why am I crying? I don't like anybody to be upset, and she IS my mum, and whatever I feel for her I want her to be happy. It is my responsibility.
I feel so lost.
Oh, people talk about a Care Plan. I am not aware of one of those being done for my mum. What does that entail? Has mum got one? Should I have been involved in its preparation? And does the Social Worker ever get in touch once mum has been in the home for x weeks? Or am I just left on my own to learn how things work?
Please help if you can.
Margaret