In a way this seems a rhetorical question, not looking for the definite answer but it troubles me. In the summer of 2020 my mother was admitted to a care home after 15+ years of progressive Alzheimer's that has substituted my mother into a 86 year old shell of the person she was. During this Covid lockdown period I have made Skype calls for 30 mins every Tuesday. 60+ calls later and my mother has never said "Hello", doesn't even recognise me. A physical visit will not miraculously change the situation, nor make my mother feel better. It will I am sure make me feel worse. Advanced Grief, is a term I have read in this forum, I wish the end would just come sooner and allow me to grieve but far more importantly provide mum the peace she deserves.
Mum is nearing the end, should I visit?
- Thread starter WillBeFine
- Start date
Hello @WillBeFine and welcome to Talking Point
There is no right or wrong answer to this question - you have to do what you feel is right.
Having said that, I think one of the most important things it is the opportunity to say goodbye. It is also the time to say things like - I love you, thank you, Im sorry and (if applicable) I forgive you. I found it very meaningful to be able to say these things to mum. She also responded to music, even at the end, so if you go, play her favourite music.
But what ever you decide, dont feel guilty.
There is no right or wrong answer to this question - you have to do what you feel is right.
Having said that, I think one of the most important things it is the opportunity to say goodbye. It is also the time to say things like - I love you, thank you, Im sorry and (if applicable) I forgive you. I found it very meaningful to be able to say these things to mum. She also responded to music, even at the end, so if you go, play her favourite music.
But what ever you decide, dont feel guilty.
This journey is never easy. Your emotions are all over the place. I’ve been through it with mum and now with dad. My thoughts are always , have I done my best in the situation , if the answer is yes or the best I can do. Then I have a clear conscience . Easier said than done, though. Stay strong.
Do what feels right for you. I took some time out from visiting & spent the last 3 days visiting , Mum passed this evening 19/11.
I am pleased I did , i wasnt present at her passing she slipped peacefully away.
There are no rights or wrongs , but I said goodbye.
I am pleased I did , i wasnt present at her passing she slipped peacefully away.
There are no rights or wrongs , but I said goodbye.
@canary @garfield3 @DesperateofDevon I appreciate your response and personal insight. I have decided to take a flight and visit my mother. I need to look her in the eye and say goodbye.
Not an easy thing to do
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))
When you arrive, please remember that even if she seems unresponsive, she will still be able to hear.
When mum reached the unresponsive stage I played music to her, talked to her and read to her. At one point, which turned out to be just a couple of hours before she passed away, I sang her favourite hymn and although she was completely unresponsive while I was singing, when I finished she opened one eye and said, quietly, but clearly "You missed a beat!" and she was right, I had............
While this must be a personal decision, I think you would regret saying goodbye properly. I say this from my very recent experience of being present at my wife's death last week. My two sons (one had flown in from Australia), her brother, nephew and close friends all came to visit in the last couple of days and all were grateful for the opportunity to say goodbye.
But whatever you decide, you must not feel guilty. Stay strong.
But whatever you decide, you must not feel guilty. Stay strong.
sad news @Griffin89
I hope there is comfort for you that you were with your wife and had your family around you
I hope there is comfort for you that you were with your wife and had your family around you
