Mum has been in a care home for 11 weeks now following my Dad's death. In that time I've seen her 3 times. The last time, although only for 15 mins, we were able to have a good conversation as we were in her room without distractions.
I had thought that Mum wasn't aware that Dad had died and that was a small blessing as she had been spared the grief, especially considering that she was in the home on her home without visitors for the first 6 weeks. The home had told me she wasn't aware and didn't know she was in a care home.
The conversation I had with Mum was quite lucid. I talked to her normally and she responded normally (rather than a cheery 'everything is fine' voice which I'm starting to realise infantizes her). I feel like she has been gaslighted the entire time she has been in the home and people haven't explained to her that Dad has died, including me.
Dad was mentioned in our conversation last week and I asked her if she knew what had happened to Dad. She said yes and that he had died. I asked her if she remembered anything about the night he died (she was on her own with him) and she said she remembered him going down, falling and hitting the floor. She said there was so much she missed about her life and most of all she missed Dad, and that was the worst of it. She said that her life was over.
I am completely broken by this. The knowledge that she has been aware and no one has been straight with her is upsetting me so much. And the fact that she continues to deal with her dementia and her grief on her own in the home. It's heartbreaking. It was the first time I'd been into her room as well and it was awful. Like a prison. Her life is indeed over.
I'm in the process of trying to get her moved closer to where I live (1.5hrs away) but everything is so very slow and no date in sight of when that will happen. I hope I will be able to visit daily and take her out but I'm starting to realise that this may not happen. I worry that I'll get her close to me and that due to Covid she'll continue to be on her own and visits will continue to be 15 mins per week for a very long time to come. This is no life for anyone.
I had thought that Mum wasn't aware that Dad had died and that was a small blessing as she had been spared the grief, especially considering that she was in the home on her home without visitors for the first 6 weeks. The home had told me she wasn't aware and didn't know she was in a care home.
The conversation I had with Mum was quite lucid. I talked to her normally and she responded normally (rather than a cheery 'everything is fine' voice which I'm starting to realise infantizes her). I feel like she has been gaslighted the entire time she has been in the home and people haven't explained to her that Dad has died, including me.
Dad was mentioned in our conversation last week and I asked her if she knew what had happened to Dad. She said yes and that he had died. I asked her if she remembered anything about the night he died (she was on her own with him) and she said she remembered him going down, falling and hitting the floor. She said there was so much she missed about her life and most of all she missed Dad, and that was the worst of it. She said that her life was over.
I am completely broken by this. The knowledge that she has been aware and no one has been straight with her is upsetting me so much. And the fact that she continues to deal with her dementia and her grief on her own in the home. It's heartbreaking. It was the first time I'd been into her room as well and it was awful. Like a prison. Her life is indeed over.
I'm in the process of trying to get her moved closer to where I live (1.5hrs away) but everything is so very slow and no date in sight of when that will happen. I hope I will be able to visit daily and take her out but I'm starting to realise that this may not happen. I worry that I'll get her close to me and that due to Covid she'll continue to be on her own and visits will continue to be 15 mins per week for a very long time to come. This is no life for anyone.
