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Mum is in CH now but I feel so tired all the time, is this normal?

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by SarahL, Jun 27, 2015.

  1. SarahL

    SarahL Registered User

    Dec 1, 2012
    229
    Hello, I just wondered if anyone else feels so tired all the time. Mum has been in CH for six months but I still feel so tired. I go in every other day and have meetings re her meds and wellbeing etc and I'm not doing the care now, don't have the constant 40+ calls a day, abuse or worries etc, but I'm still so tired. I feel like I've been living in some sort of dream/nightmare or on a strange ride...maybe I just lost touch with reality and I'm slowly re-adjusting. Who knows. Does anyone else feel like this?
     
  2. chrisdee

    chrisdee Registered User

    Nov 23, 2014
    171
    Yorkshire
    #2 chrisdee, Jun 27, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 27, 2015
    Everyone is different but I guess most of us feel like collapsing after a major stretch of caring. Don't forget that amongst carers, everyone will have different health and social needs. My Mum passed away 4 months ago, and I am still not back to where I was,just in terms of health I mean. She also was in care for what turned out to be the last six months-though of course one did not know it at the time. I suggest cutting your visits down drastically. Try to have a holiday if you can. And yes, you have been living in a nightmare,I still feel sick thinking about it.
     
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,580
    Kent
    Hello Sarah

    You are still taking responsibility for your mum even though she is in residential care so it doesn`t surprise me you are just as tired as ever.

    Frequent visiting on top of welfare discussions don`t leave you much time for yourself.

    Try, if you can, to arrange the meetings to coincide with the days you visit. You do need to free up some time for yourself; whole days, not just a few hours.

    Long term caring takes it`s toll and I don`t think we ever recover fully. Don`t forget, by the time we have less responsibility, we are all older too. by years.
     
  4. Delphie

    Delphie Registered User

    Dec 14, 2011
    1,252
    Hi Sarah :)

    My mum's been in a care home for over two years now, and when I remember back to the early days I know I was expecting my life to snap back to some kind of 'normal' soon after she made the move, but it simply didn't happen, not for months. I was so stressed I simply functioned, and the effects on my health continued.

    To be honest, while things are massively better now, I suspect I may never get back to the 'normal' I was before. With me it's anxiety. My stomach still knots when the phone rings. It never used to, before mum's dementia, but it does now. Not only that but small things I used to take in my stride are still harder to deal with now. It's like my confidence has taken a permanent knock, which is odd because when I look back at everything rationally I can see that I coped well and that I've done all kinds of right things for my mum.

    So I understand it intellectually but it's the emotions that rule these reactions, and I suspect you're still caught up in the emotional fall out too.
     
  5. SarahL

    SarahL Registered User

    Dec 1, 2012
    229
     
  6. SarahL

    SarahL Registered User

    Dec 1, 2012
    229
    Thank you Grannie G. It is true I still have the responsibility for Mum and I have her house situation to sort out too this summer, which is hanging over me. I'm trying to build up strength for that. I think you're right that we don't ever fully recover, it changes us forever but I am definitely going to start putting myself a bit nearer the top of the list and do some things for me. Take care.
     
  7. SarahL

    SarahL Registered User

    Dec 1, 2012
    229
    Thank you Delphie, it helps to know that you understand. I get anxiety and I have completely lost my confidence, that is a key point you make. I think I have suffered from social anxiety too, as I haven't wanted to do much, always wanting to get back to a place of safety. How often do you go and see you Mum if you don't mind me asking? I go every two days but I haven't been for four days now (although am going in today) and I actually feel a bit calmer. Like you I have done all the right things for Mum and worked so hard on her behalf to get support (which she always refused) and I can also see I coped with it on the whole (despite not really knowing what I was doing at the time). We have done the best we can which is much more than many other people. I am just glad the abuse days are over now and hope, in time, although it has changed me forever, that I can move forward with my life. xxx
     
  8. Delphie

    Delphie Registered User

    Dec 14, 2011
    1,252
    I go once a week, on average, although for a period of time it was much less often. It took my mum a while to settle in and me coming and calling wasn't helping.

    But we're going through a good phase now, and it seems to be lasting. She seems happy to see me and even though it's hard to find conversation topics (and she finds it hard now to keep track of what's being said) I know that probably things will eventually deteriorate so I'm making the best of it.

    So it's strange that the anxiety remains on some level, and I don't know what to do about it! Maybe it's as good as it gets for people like you and I, wired how we are.

    But it's not so bad. I know that I'm better than I was, and mum is well looked after and as happy as she can be under the circumstances. Dementia is a big deal and these major life experiences are bound to leave a mark. In a way maybe it would be odd if we didn't have these permanent emotional scars.

    So keep on looking after yourself as much as you can and don't feel selfish when you do. I got so used to having no time for myself even taking a bath instead of a shower made me feel bad. Bonkers! :)
     

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