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Mum is detoriating

SBK

New member
Mar 5, 2022
7
0
Had to post having just left my parents house in tears. Both have Dementia although Mum is far worse.
She is eating virtually nothing now for the past few days although the carer did manage to get her to eat something at lunchtime today.
She has started having accidents and when I have called in on my way home from work and last weekend I have had to soak her trousers etc before I can put in the wash.

I tried to have a gentle chat with her about how she was struggling and not coping and Dad was struggling now to look after her and she got very angry, started shouting she did not want to go in a care home. Went to find Dad and told him that I was a nasty piece of work and lots of other nasty comments and I was to leave her house and not come back ever. There was banging of plates on the table and crying.

I have to say I did loose it a bit and shouted back. She still has enough capacity to know that she does not want to go in a home or have anyone in her home (even though they have carers in 3 times a day at the moment).

Even if I find a home place for her how do I get her to go there. I cannot get her to leave the house. I have seen other posts about loved ones being sectioned. What has to happen for it to get to this stage.

I feel like I cannot carry on in the current situation. Dad cannot manage and it is affecting him and will end up finishing him off if something doesn't happen soon.

I have contacted Adult Social Services and they are make a referral for someone to contact me to carry out an Capacity Assessment and the GP has made a referral back to the memory clinic. Any help or advice on what I should do next would be greatly appreciated.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
76,271
0
Kent
Yours is one of the cases @SBK where although your parents are vulnerable and at risk, you are just as vulnerable. Sad to say things may need to come to a crisis before any changes can be made unless Adult Social Services don`t make you wait for an assessment.

Until then, please contact the helpline to see if they can advise any steps forward you can take.

 

Vanessa Terry

Registered User
Sep 27, 2021
24
0
Had to post having just left my parents house in tears. Both have Dementia although Mum is far worse.
She is eating virtually nothing now for the past few days although the carer did manage to get her to eat something at lunchtime today.
She has started having accidents and when I have called in on my way home from work and last weekend I have had to soak her trousers etc before I can put in the wash.

I tried to have a gentle chat with her about how she was struggling and not coping and Dad was struggling now to look after her and she got very angry, started shouting she did not want to go in a care home. Went to find Dad and told him that I was a nasty piece of work and lots of other nasty comments and I was to leave her house and not come back ever. There was banging of plates on the table and crying.

I have to say I did loose it a bit and shouted back. She still has enough capacity to know that she does not want to go in a home or have anyone in her home (even though they have carers in 3 times a day at the moment).

Even if I find a home place for her how do I get her to go there. I cannot get her to leave the house. I have seen other posts about loved ones being sectioned. What has to happen for it to get to this stage.

I feel like I cannot carry on in the current situation. Dad cannot manage and it is affecting him and will end up finishing him off if something doesn't happen soon.

I have contacted Adult Social Services and they are make a referral for someone to contact me to carry out an Capacity Assessment and the GP has made a referral back to the memory clinic. Any help or advice on what I should do next would be greatly appreciated.
I moved in with my parents last April when my mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Dad is 80 and has had a stroke but he is getting about. So I really do understand. My dad can not cope on his own. A few months ago I was really not in a good place. Everything with my mum and dad was drowning me. I went to the doctor. I poured my heart out. Within twenty four hours I had three missed calls. I rang them back. One was from the admiral nurse who is the Alzheimer’s nurse if I need anything. The second one was from a support worker for me and my dad. I have had a few confidential appointments with her and it’s been such a relief. The third one was from the mental health nurse. Just for me. In such a short while my pain went from zero to normal. If I do have any problems with anything, I know that they are on the end of the phone. My mum says the most horrible things. But, your GP is the best place to go. There’s a lot of support network that I didn’t know about. Good luck x
 

karenbow

Registered User
May 24, 2021
89
0
vanessa is so right
I moved in with my parents last April when my mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Dad is 80 and has had a stroke but he is getting about. So I really do understand. My dad can not cope on his own. A few months ago I was really not in a good place. Everything with my mum and dad was drowning me. I went to the doctor. I poured my heart out. Within twenty four hours I had three missed calls. I rang them back. One was from the admiral nurse who is the Alzheimer’s nurse if I need anything. The second one was from a support worker for me and my dad. I have had a few confidential appointments with her and it’s been such a relief. The third one was from the mental health nurse. Just for me. In such a short while my pain went from zero to normal. If I do have any problems with anything, I know that they are on the end of the phone. My mum says the most horrible things. But, your GP is the best place to go. There’s a lot of support network that I didn’t know about. Good luck x
I moved in with my parents last April when my mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Dad is 80 and has had a stroke but he is getting about. So I really do understand. My dad can not cope on his own. A few months ago I was really not in a good place. Everything with my mum and dad was drowning me. I went to the doctor. I poured my heart out. Within twenty four hours I had three missed calls. I rang them back. One was from the admiral nurse who is the Alzheimer’s nurse if I need anything. The second one was from a support worker for me and my dad. I have had a few confidential appointments with her and it’s been such a relief. The third one was from the mental health nurse. Just for me. In such a short while my pain went from zero to normal. If I do have any problems with anything, I know that they are on the end of the phone. My mum says the most horrible things. But, your GP is the best place to go. There’s a lot of support network that I didn’t know about. Good luck x

i was in exactly the same situation as yourself , my mum and dad- dad cancer 91yrs mum alzheimers 86yrs struggled on and on and i like yourself was there every day never knowing how mum and dad would be, doing everything i possibly could for them- i loved mum and dads company we were a little team the 3 of us and i never thought in a million years that my caring for them could possibly test me the way it did- but it did i struggled inside doubting my capabilities knowing that even if i was with them round the clock it would still not be enough care for them but they were brilliant never expected anything from me but knew they needed my help which i gave freely , but what i have to really say is please follow vanessas advice , contact people who can offer help/advice whenever you need it one of my biggest mistakes was avoiding all outside help- dad insisted we carry on as we were and dad was a very strong minded person although ill his mind was as sharp as it ever was- mums illness took over everything. dad passed last may, mum a few months later and i still feel guilt sadness that i didn,t have that extra strength in me to keep my lovely mum at home with me, but i believe most of my strength had been drained in the previous years although mum was in a very seriously bad way after dad died so yeah become part of the system let people help even if your parents resist let the experienced people guide you and accept any help YOU need best wishes
 

SBK

New member
Mar 5, 2022
7
0
I moved in with my parents last April when my mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Dad is 80 and has had a stroke but he is getting about. So I really do understand. My dad can not cope on his own. A few months ago I was really not in a good place. Everything with my mum and dad was drowning me. I went to the doctor. I poured my heart out. Within twenty four hours I had three missed calls. I rang them back. One was from the admiral nurse who is the Alzheimer’s nurse if I need anything. The second one was from a support worker for me and my dad. I have had a few confidential appointments with her and it’s been such a relief. The third one was from the mental health nurse. Just for me. In such a short while my pain went from zero to normal. If I do have any problems with anything, I know that they are on the end of the phone. My mum says the most horrible things. But, your GP is the best place to go. There’s a lot of support network that I didn’t know about. Good luck x
Thanks for your reply. I have approached the Drs first to ask about a referral for a Continuing Healthcare Assessment and was told this was almost impossible to get (well it would be if they don't make the referral!!!). All they did was get a social prescriber to ring me who said she would refer me to the Alzhemiers Society and get a company who specialise in frozen ready meals to send me a brochure.
We have had the matron out from the Drs this week who checked their blood pressure and breathing but no suggestions for anything else.
I have already contacted Adult Social Services and waiting for an assessment.
After having been round to Mum and Dads today and still finding it difficult to get Mum to have anything to eat I think I now need to approach some care homes myself and get Mum admitted first onto a dementia/Alzheimers ward and then sort Dad out separately.
I
 

SBK

New member
Mar 5, 2022
7
0
vanessa is so right



i was in exactly the same situation as yourself , my mum and dad- dad cancer 91yrs mum alzheimers 86yrs struggled on and on and i like yourself was there every day never knowing how mum and dad would be, doing everything i possibly could for them- i loved mum and dads company we were a little team the 3 of us and i never thought in a million years that my caring for them could possibly test me the way it did- but it did i struggled inside doubting my capabilities knowing that even if i was with them round the clock it would still not be enough care for them but they were brilliant never expected anything from me but knew they needed my help which i gave freely , but what i have to really say is please follow vanessas advice , contact people who can offer help/advice whenever you need it one of my biggest mistakes was avoiding all outside help- dad insisted we carry on as we were and dad was a very strong minded person although ill his mind was as sharp as it ever was- mums illness took over everything. dad passed last may, mum a few months later and i still feel guilt sadness that i didn,t have that extra strength in me to keep my lovely mum at home with me, but i believe most of my strength had been drained in the previous years although mum was in a very seriously bad way after dad died so yeah become part of the system let people help even if your parents resist let the experienced people guide you and accept any help YOU need best wishes
Thank you for sharing your situation and sorry to hear that you have now lost both your Mum & Dad. This is such a cruel disease and the families just seem to be left to get on with it on their own where as if you have cancer or other diseases help seems to be available from Macmillan nurses etc,
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
67,132
0
71
Dundee
@SBK - you might find it helpful to talk with and Admiral Nurse -

 

taliahad

Registered User
Nov 22, 2021
66
0
Medication for your mother's aggression will make life better for everyone. Risperidone and mitazapine has worked wonders for our family.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
12,448
0
Yorkshire
Hi @SBK
You sound to be making all the necessary contacts

I wonder whether your mum might accept some different foods that are easy to eat eg soup, milkshake, ice cream, rice pudding, trifle, porridge etc and finger foods rather than a meal ... if she is not eating much then anything she will accept is better than nothing ... may be worth checking she has no mouth/teeth problems and asking for a SALT (Speech and Language team) assessment
 

Vanessa Terry

Registered User
Sep 27, 2021
24
0
Thanks for your reply. I have approached the Drs first to ask about a referral for a Continuing Healthcare Assessment and was told this was almost impossible to get (well it would be if they don't make the referral!!!). All they did was get a social prescriber to ring me who said she would refer me to the Alzhemiers Society and get a company who specialise in frozen ready meals to send me a brochure.
We have had the matron out from the Drs this week who checked their blood pressure and breathing but no suggestions for anything else.
I have already contacted Adult Social Services and waiting for an assessment.
After having been round to Mum and Dads today and still finding it difficult to get Mum to have anything to eat I think I now need to approach some care homes myself and get Mum admitted first onto a dementia/Alzheimers ward and then sort Dad out separately.
I
 

Vanessa Terry

Registered User
Sep 27, 2021
24
0
Thanks for your reply. I have approached the Drs first to ask about a referral for a Continuing Healthcare Assessment and was told this was almost impossible to get (well it would be if they don't make the referral!!!). All they did was get a social prescriber to ring me who said she would refer me to the Alzhemiers Society and get a company who specialise in frozen ready meals to send me a brochure.
We have had the matron out from the Drs this week who checked their blood pressure and breathing but no suggestions for anything else.
I have already contacted Adult Social Services and waiting for an assessment.
After having been round to Mum and Dads today and still finding it difficult to get Mum to have anything to eat I think I now need to approach some care homes myself and get Mum admitted first onto a dementia/Alzheimers ward and then sort Dad out separately.
I
I’m sorry to hear that you are having to deal with this for both of your parents. Your consultant for your mum or your dad should get an Alzheimer’s nurse for you to call.
Keep up your good work. I know it’s hard. After a year I’m just getting used to it all.
I’m exhausted, emotional, but I keep that for when I’m in my own room.
Reading this talking point has been so helpful. Just remember that you are not alone. X
 

Vanessa Terry

Registered User
Sep 27, 2021
24
0
vanessa is so right



i was in exactly the same situation as yourself , my mum and dad- dad cancer 91yrs mum alzheimers 86yrs struggled on and on and i like yourself was there every day never knowing how mum and dad would be, doing everything i possibly could for them- i loved mum and dads company we were a little team the 3 of us and i never thought in a million years that my caring for them could possibly test me the way it did- but it did i struggled inside doubting my capabilities knowing that even if i was with them round the clock it would still not be enough care for them but they were brilliant never expected anything from me but knew they needed my help which i gave freely , but what i have to really say is please follow vanessas advice , contact people who can offer help/advice whenever you need it one of my biggest mistakes was avoiding all outside help- dad insisted we carry on as we were and dad was a very strong minded person although ill his mind was as sharp as it ever was- mums illness took over everything. dad passed last may, mum a few months later and i still feel guilt sadness that i didn,t have that extra strength in me to keep my lovely mum at home with me, but i believe most of my strength had been drained in the previous years although mum was in a very seriously bad way after dad died so yeah become part of the system let people help even if your parents resist let the experienced people guide you and accept any help YOU need best wishes
I’m so sorry to hear that your parents have both passed away.
My heart goes out to you.
Thank you for saying that I was right about some advice.
The journey that you went through, you have nothing to feel guilty about.
You must hold your head up high and say that you did your best.
Only the people who are there every day, dealing with every emotional and difficult situations can understand.
I’m just learning that now.
You should be congratulated on how you helped your parents.
Don’t be too hard on yourself.
Vanessa x