Hi again,
Oh dear. Visited on yesterday. Found mum asking another resident if she was okay, did she want anything? How nice. She spotted me at one. "oh I am glad you are here, lets go to the back of the room, I need to talk to you". So we did.
Out it came. "I have had a dreadful time. I haven't been able to sleep in my own bed for a fortnight (5 days actually), there is a man in there, they won't let me in". I explained to her that was cos the lift was broken, and they couldn't get the gentleman down to his room, so mum had had to sleep in his room. I hoped this would only be for a couple of nights, and so did the staff, as the lift engineer was due on Saturday, then a part was needed to be delivered on Tuesday, but it transpired that the lift cannot be repaired, they need a new one. So I explained this to mum, and learnt from the staff that she would be back in her own room tonight. They had had to get medical help to move the chap downstairs to his own room. And they had done it cos my mum had been so confused being in a different room, not for the benefit of the chap. Well, sorry it took 5 days to do, but at least they appeared to recognise my mum's rights as well. I get the impression they were surprised by her degree of confusion. Mum presents very well at times, you see, and it is difficult to imagine she has AD, but she definitely does.
Then the next bit. "As well as that, there were the two people who pushed me to the floor". I try not to be gobsmacked. "What do you mean mum?". "Well, they just pushed me over, and he hit me and she hit me, and he hit me again". WHAT?
I realised that the Activities Co-ordinator was listening in, so I said "Do you know anything about this?", and she said "Well, yes, I do, Marian has told me about it today, we have had a lovely session today when I asked them all to write something about themselves and Marian said "well I won't write about the people pushing me over", and the AC had said "what do you mean, Marian?". So mum had told her that a man and a woman had pushed her over to the ground. The AC immediately reported this to the manager. At that point we knew nothing more. So I tried to get a bit more out of mum, while the AC (I know not a carer, not qualified, but a lovely young woman) listened in. When did this happen, mum? About two weeks ago. Why didn't you tell me? Well you haven't been here for two weeks. Not true, I was there 5 days ago (missed the usual Tuesday visit, too much work). Are you sure it was a fortnight ago? No, but it wasn't yesterday. Okay. Why didn't you tell the staff? I didn't want to be a nuisance or get anyone into trouble. Where were you when it happened? I don't know. Were you in your room? No. Was it night time? No. But you see, mum confuses day and night anyway, so that is not reliable. And for the past 5 days she has been in a different bedroom, so that is another confusion for her. She didn't know where she was.
Were you in your nightie? No. Was anyone else there? I don't think so.
Has it happened before? Well, no, but the woman is nasty to me in the night if I get up early. Ah, she has been saying for a few weeks that the night staff are nasty to her. So that rings a bit of a bell.
I said "I am going to talk to the manager". "What for". "I think she should know that someone has pushed you to the ground". "Oh, I don't want to be a nuisance". "No, mum, you are not being a nuisance, but no-one should push you around, and I need to talk to the manager about it". The manager, of course, already knew, cos the AC had told her.
We chatted about it. We agreed there is a difficulty in believing a patient with AD, but she did agree (and I have to say the staff at the home really KNOW my mum and her personality) that it was odd for mum to make up such a story. Yes, she hears voices, yes, she gets up in the night, but they had no experience of her making up stories about real people. Plenty of stories about dead people. She accepted the possibility that this abuse (her word) might have really occurred. She did say there were some residents who frequently made up stories (though none about abuse by staff), but mum was less likely to do so than most.
She asked if it would be okay to come and chat to mum about it. Yes, I said. So she came up to the lounge. She was incredibly pleasant to mum. Who was the man? Oh, he was Joe, I think, he is 28. How do you know he is 28? Well, I thought the young woman with him was his daughter, and he told me she couldn't be his daughter cos he is only 28. Correct. Joe is a night carer, and he is 28. What did his daughter look like? Oh a big girl. Tall, dark hair, fat tummy, overweight really. Hmm, that sounds like Amy, said the manager. I said, I don't recognise these names, do they not work in the day? No, only at night. Next question, are they new? No. But Amy hasn't been on duty for the last few days. Next question - have you seen the daughter in the last few days. No, I haven't says mum. Hmm. I can see the manager weighing this up. Then we get a quirk. But his other daughter has been on duty. I have seen her today. Not sure what that means. There are, unfortunately 4 care assistants who look very similar. All a bit overweight, all tall, all dark-haired. So we are a bit thrown.
Were you hurt when you fell? Oh, no, I was fine, I got up myself. Didn't they help you up. Well, I just got up myself. And then what did you do. Well, I turned to him and said, don't you push me, and I pushed him! What did he do then? Well nothing, they just went away. We are a bit confused as to whether he pushed her first, and then she pushed her, or vice versa, and mum has forgotten.
Why do you think he pushed you? Well, I don't know. He might have been asking me to do something and I didn't hear him, I am deaf you know, and I didn't do it right, so he pushed me. Was he meaning to hurt you? Oh, I don't think so, he was just fooling around I expect. But why would he push you? I don't know, but it doesn't matter, I don't want to get him into trouble, cos he might be worse next time. So is mum giving him an excuse so he won't take it out on her? Mum has some suprises in her make-up. She was brought up in a relatively rough environment, and I know we are going back 70 years, but I dare say she was in situations where you pretended that the person who was threatening you was really okay, so he wouldn't continue threatening you. My dad undoubtedly experienced situations where someone threatened him and it ended up with a beating (my dad would have won, cos he had the brains to do so, if not the brawn, cos he was a skinny teenager).
The manager's face changed at that. Oh, No, Marian, if someone has pushed you it is not acceptable, it is assault, and I will make sure it doesn't happen again. It doesn't matter to me whether he was fooling around or not, pushing a resident is not acceptable. Oh, said mum, a bit reassured that she was being valued.
It seemed to me that the staff recognised the descriptions of the two people, though there was some doubt about the female, as her description could have fitted 2 or 3 females on duty at night. But mum insisted it was not night, yet Joe only does night duty. So we are not sure.
The Manager then asked my mum if she would mind her looking to see if she had any bruises on her body (but we don't know if this was two weeks ago or yesterday). Unfortunately mum, like me, bruises very easily, we only need to brush a cushion and we have a bruise. We found a small, newish bruise on her arm, but really nothing to indicate she had fallen to the floor.
The manager and the carer who accompanied her were both reassuring that if mum had any problems with staff or anything else, she was to tell them at once. Mum did seem happy with that.
The manager admitted she had never experienced this before, and asked if I wanted to make a formal complaint. I said I didn't think I could, cos I had no evidence. I suggested she should call in the night staff, or staff she felt fitted the description my mum had given, and ask if they were aware of any unusual occurrences, before proceeding any further. She wasn't sure. She instinctively felt that she should suspend the two night staff pending investigation, but didn't know if she had the right to do so - and didn't know if she could find other night staff to cover tonight!! I appreciated her problem. She said she would contact her manager for advice. The care home is part of a group of companies.
So, I have left it in her hands. I admit I am worried. Scared even. But I have no evidence to support suspending particular members of staff, and even less hope of proving any abuse. It could all be in mum's mind. I really can't imagine her having been felled to the floor and not been bruised. I also can't imagine her not crying out for help (though my mum is no wimp). I suspect that if anything did occur it must have been at night, cos there are so many staff around in the day, not just the care staff, but the housekeeper, the laundry lady, the catering staff, the maintenance man, they are all in and out of the residential areas during the day. And of course other residents, although most are demented in some way, they are also able to recognise another resident in distress. In fact, it is really nice to see how some of them help each other.
So, any advice folks?
It is now 3 a.m., and I am wishing I had brought my mum home for the night, not that I could cope with her. The staff tell me she goes to bed at 10 p.m. and is up again and dressed at 12.30! Today she thought breakfast was odd, cos it was her usual cereal and toast and she thought it was dinner time. She tells me she had no sleep last night cos there was no bedroom for her. And I have already posted on here that she is hearing someone calling her name, apparently she is now getting up in the night and opening other residents' bedroom doors asking if it is them who are calling her, so they have had to lock her in her bedroom at night.
I thought it would all be easier once she was in a care home. Ah, you can all tell me different. Today I also got an old pair of specs mended for her, cos her new ones have been lost. She needs new specs, but there is no local optician that will visit the home. Also no dentist that will visit the home (she lost her top dentures in hospital 4 months ago).
Gee, give me strength!
Margaret
Oh dear. Visited on yesterday. Found mum asking another resident if she was okay, did she want anything? How nice. She spotted me at one. "oh I am glad you are here, lets go to the back of the room, I need to talk to you". So we did.
Out it came. "I have had a dreadful time. I haven't been able to sleep in my own bed for a fortnight (5 days actually), there is a man in there, they won't let me in". I explained to her that was cos the lift was broken, and they couldn't get the gentleman down to his room, so mum had had to sleep in his room. I hoped this would only be for a couple of nights, and so did the staff, as the lift engineer was due on Saturday, then a part was needed to be delivered on Tuesday, but it transpired that the lift cannot be repaired, they need a new one. So I explained this to mum, and learnt from the staff that she would be back in her own room tonight. They had had to get medical help to move the chap downstairs to his own room. And they had done it cos my mum had been so confused being in a different room, not for the benefit of the chap. Well, sorry it took 5 days to do, but at least they appeared to recognise my mum's rights as well. I get the impression they were surprised by her degree of confusion. Mum presents very well at times, you see, and it is difficult to imagine she has AD, but she definitely does.
Then the next bit. "As well as that, there were the two people who pushed me to the floor". I try not to be gobsmacked. "What do you mean mum?". "Well, they just pushed me over, and he hit me and she hit me, and he hit me again". WHAT?
I realised that the Activities Co-ordinator was listening in, so I said "Do you know anything about this?", and she said "Well, yes, I do, Marian has told me about it today, we have had a lovely session today when I asked them all to write something about themselves and Marian said "well I won't write about the people pushing me over", and the AC had said "what do you mean, Marian?". So mum had told her that a man and a woman had pushed her over to the ground. The AC immediately reported this to the manager. At that point we knew nothing more. So I tried to get a bit more out of mum, while the AC (I know not a carer, not qualified, but a lovely young woman) listened in. When did this happen, mum? About two weeks ago. Why didn't you tell me? Well you haven't been here for two weeks. Not true, I was there 5 days ago (missed the usual Tuesday visit, too much work). Are you sure it was a fortnight ago? No, but it wasn't yesterday. Okay. Why didn't you tell the staff? I didn't want to be a nuisance or get anyone into trouble. Where were you when it happened? I don't know. Were you in your room? No. Was it night time? No. But you see, mum confuses day and night anyway, so that is not reliable. And for the past 5 days she has been in a different bedroom, so that is another confusion for her. She didn't know where she was.
Were you in your nightie? No. Was anyone else there? I don't think so.
Has it happened before? Well, no, but the woman is nasty to me in the night if I get up early. Ah, she has been saying for a few weeks that the night staff are nasty to her. So that rings a bit of a bell.
I said "I am going to talk to the manager". "What for". "I think she should know that someone has pushed you to the ground". "Oh, I don't want to be a nuisance". "No, mum, you are not being a nuisance, but no-one should push you around, and I need to talk to the manager about it". The manager, of course, already knew, cos the AC had told her.
We chatted about it. We agreed there is a difficulty in believing a patient with AD, but she did agree (and I have to say the staff at the home really KNOW my mum and her personality) that it was odd for mum to make up such a story. Yes, she hears voices, yes, she gets up in the night, but they had no experience of her making up stories about real people. Plenty of stories about dead people. She accepted the possibility that this abuse (her word) might have really occurred. She did say there were some residents who frequently made up stories (though none about abuse by staff), but mum was less likely to do so than most.
She asked if it would be okay to come and chat to mum about it. Yes, I said. So she came up to the lounge. She was incredibly pleasant to mum. Who was the man? Oh, he was Joe, I think, he is 28. How do you know he is 28? Well, I thought the young woman with him was his daughter, and he told me she couldn't be his daughter cos he is only 28. Correct. Joe is a night carer, and he is 28. What did his daughter look like? Oh a big girl. Tall, dark hair, fat tummy, overweight really. Hmm, that sounds like Amy, said the manager. I said, I don't recognise these names, do they not work in the day? No, only at night. Next question, are they new? No. But Amy hasn't been on duty for the last few days. Next question - have you seen the daughter in the last few days. No, I haven't says mum. Hmm. I can see the manager weighing this up. Then we get a quirk. But his other daughter has been on duty. I have seen her today. Not sure what that means. There are, unfortunately 4 care assistants who look very similar. All a bit overweight, all tall, all dark-haired. So we are a bit thrown.
Were you hurt when you fell? Oh, no, I was fine, I got up myself. Didn't they help you up. Well, I just got up myself. And then what did you do. Well, I turned to him and said, don't you push me, and I pushed him! What did he do then? Well nothing, they just went away. We are a bit confused as to whether he pushed her first, and then she pushed her, or vice versa, and mum has forgotten.
Why do you think he pushed you? Well, I don't know. He might have been asking me to do something and I didn't hear him, I am deaf you know, and I didn't do it right, so he pushed me. Was he meaning to hurt you? Oh, I don't think so, he was just fooling around I expect. But why would he push you? I don't know, but it doesn't matter, I don't want to get him into trouble, cos he might be worse next time. So is mum giving him an excuse so he won't take it out on her? Mum has some suprises in her make-up. She was brought up in a relatively rough environment, and I know we are going back 70 years, but I dare say she was in situations where you pretended that the person who was threatening you was really okay, so he wouldn't continue threatening you. My dad undoubtedly experienced situations where someone threatened him and it ended up with a beating (my dad would have won, cos he had the brains to do so, if not the brawn, cos he was a skinny teenager).
The manager's face changed at that. Oh, No, Marian, if someone has pushed you it is not acceptable, it is assault, and I will make sure it doesn't happen again. It doesn't matter to me whether he was fooling around or not, pushing a resident is not acceptable. Oh, said mum, a bit reassured that she was being valued.
It seemed to me that the staff recognised the descriptions of the two people, though there was some doubt about the female, as her description could have fitted 2 or 3 females on duty at night. But mum insisted it was not night, yet Joe only does night duty. So we are not sure.
The Manager then asked my mum if she would mind her looking to see if she had any bruises on her body (but we don't know if this was two weeks ago or yesterday). Unfortunately mum, like me, bruises very easily, we only need to brush a cushion and we have a bruise. We found a small, newish bruise on her arm, but really nothing to indicate she had fallen to the floor.
The manager and the carer who accompanied her were both reassuring that if mum had any problems with staff or anything else, she was to tell them at once. Mum did seem happy with that.
The manager admitted she had never experienced this before, and asked if I wanted to make a formal complaint. I said I didn't think I could, cos I had no evidence. I suggested she should call in the night staff, or staff she felt fitted the description my mum had given, and ask if they were aware of any unusual occurrences, before proceeding any further. She wasn't sure. She instinctively felt that she should suspend the two night staff pending investigation, but didn't know if she had the right to do so - and didn't know if she could find other night staff to cover tonight!! I appreciated her problem. She said she would contact her manager for advice. The care home is part of a group of companies.
So, I have left it in her hands. I admit I am worried. Scared even. But I have no evidence to support suspending particular members of staff, and even less hope of proving any abuse. It could all be in mum's mind. I really can't imagine her having been felled to the floor and not been bruised. I also can't imagine her not crying out for help (though my mum is no wimp). I suspect that if anything did occur it must have been at night, cos there are so many staff around in the day, not just the care staff, but the housekeeper, the laundry lady, the catering staff, the maintenance man, they are all in and out of the residential areas during the day. And of course other residents, although most are demented in some way, they are also able to recognise another resident in distress. In fact, it is really nice to see how some of them help each other.
So, any advice folks?
It is now 3 a.m., and I am wishing I had brought my mum home for the night, not that I could cope with her. The staff tell me she goes to bed at 10 p.m. and is up again and dressed at 12.30! Today she thought breakfast was odd, cos it was her usual cereal and toast and she thought it was dinner time. She tells me she had no sleep last night cos there was no bedroom for her. And I have already posted on here that she is hearing someone calling her name, apparently she is now getting up in the night and opening other residents' bedroom doors asking if it is them who are calling her, so they have had to lock her in her bedroom at night.
I thought it would all be easier once she was in a care home. Ah, you can all tell me different. Today I also got an old pair of specs mended for her, cos her new ones have been lost. She needs new specs, but there is no local optician that will visit the home. Also no dentist that will visit the home (she lost her top dentures in hospital 4 months ago).
Gee, give me strength!
Margaret