Mum in hspital-difficult to except

[marie2]

My mum who is 80yrs old has just been admitted to hospital with psychosis a week ago and we have now began the process of diagnosis.Since April with hindsight the symptoms were evident but I think as afamily we all buried our heads and hoped it would all go away or a physical,treatable cause would be found.
I am having great difficulty accepting the situation at prsent,as is my mum, and I find visiting distressing as I do not know how to deal with her persistent psychosis and I am finding the guilt overwhelming although I realise she is in the best place at the present time- has anyone got any advice?

 

[jc141265]

Advice...difficult

Hi there marie2,

Advice is difficult to give in this situation because what you are feeling I think is very similar to what most of us have felt at sometime or other and continue to feel quite often. Its been almost 6 years and I often still don't want to accept what has happened to Dad and have felt overwhelming guilt over and over again that I could not do more, and when he was put in the psych ward for a couple of weeks it was worse, when he went into respite, it cut deep and now he lives in a home, i feel it on everyday that I visit.

You said it in your post however, when you said

I realise she is in the best place at the present time

and you need to hold onto that thought. Also quite often even though we think we could probably look after them at home although it would mean enormous sacrifices by everyone affected,... in the end, our loved ones are often not better off with us. I have found that Dad is far calmer and a heck of a lot less stressed now that he lives in a home. My grandma who just turned 100 on Saturday stated about the home she lives in that 'its the best hotel in town providing for her every need and she's very happy that she no longer has to do housework!'. Psych ward's can be tough though because we are brought up to think of them as horrifying places where only crazy people have to stay and thus I understand why you are having difficulties accepting this situation (as mentioned above Dad had to stay in one for a while). What I have discovered over time with this disease, that all those 'crazies' aren't crazy at all, they are just human beings that are deserving of love, trying to do the best they can with a brain that is letting them down. Unfortunately for your Mum her brain now is letting her down, she will be frustrated, scared, angry and her being so will make you feel the same and possibly more because you can still rationally think through things. Just keep thanking fate that you still have a brain that you can rely upon and be there for her as much as you can, your brain will tell you when you can't although your heart may want to argue.
Best wishes

 

[marie2]

Thank You

Dear Nat
Thank you so much for your kind words of understanding and support.I am sat crying reading this before leaving for work and after which I wil visit the hospital and the feeling of dread is already evident and tangible.
As I am a nurse I feel that it is sometimes expected that I will have the knowledge and answers particulary for other family members but as well as only being a general nurse with no specific training in this field I also want to be my mum's youngest daughter! I already miss my mum so much and feel that in any one day I experience all the symptoms of grief.
Fear of what is to come is overpowering and although it is hard to acknowledge also resentment at my mum's illness.
I had 8 yrs of infertility treatment and now have a lovely little boy and after 20+yrs in nursing work in a challenging field of nursing that I enjoy immensely-what I don't want and feel unable to do is become a main carer and it is hard to except but I thank you for your mantra and will use this myself
Thanks again
Marie

 

[Finnian]

Marie
I'm a nurse too. I've found is that nurses are presumed to know about ANY illness. I find it easier to be assertive at the beginning and make it clear my specialty is different and doesn't include this problem, I need information the same as any other relative. Families are harder to get the message to. I hope they are not presuming you will be main carer. From experience nursing / caring at home is a heck of a lot harder than a bad day at work when you can leave at some point. Again there is a presumption that you will manage as a nurse but that doesn't take into consideration the umpteen emotions that assail you as a daughter. If you feel unable to be Mum's main carer don't be swept into it just because of your profession. There are other forms of caring - you have to find what is right and manageable for yourself.

The early stages are very scary. Now you have found TP you needn't face it alone. This is like a lovely big family - but minus any pressure or expectations !

Finnian

 

[marie2]

Thanks

Hi Finnian
I cannot express how reading your message struck so many cords with me!It is such a relief to be able to communicate the range of emotions without being judged of frowned upon ( although I acknowledge that this could be personal perception).
Within our family we are all just reeling at the moment and cannot be much of a support system to each other at the moment as we are all grieving and scared of the future and its effect on all our lives and present responsibilities.
I am so relieved to have found this web-site and hope to become an active participator although at the present time I cannot be of any support to anyone I hope in time this will change.
Thanks Again
Marie2

 

[Canadian Joanne]

Marie,
My sister & I had to have my mother involuntarily committed to a hospital psych ward nearly 5 years ago. She was in hospital for 2 weeks & then we moved her to a retirement home. She was diagnosed in hospital & put on the proper meds.

From my personal experience, the first month is almost unendurable, but it does slowly get easier to cope with. You are at the great emotional shock stage. Keep in touch & remember take things day by day. Try not to look too far ahead for now. Deal with the immediate situation.

You will get through this.

Joanne

 

[blue sea]

Hi Marie

Welcome to TP.

The stage you are at with your mum is very hard as there is the shock of facing up to the fact there is something wrong and the uncertainty of the path ahead. I have found things get easier with time as you do develop an acceptance of the 'new' person your loved one has become, while still recognizing some aspects of their 'old' self. You continue to love the person just as much, even if at times their behaviour is frightening or difficult. It is hard visitng when you feel such a jumble of emotions. You just have to do what you can cope with. It does help if you can get good specialist medical advice. Don't get trapped into feeling you should give up everything to care for your mum. There are many ways of caring. Looking after someone with a mental illness is a huge undertaking (and can end up damaging your relationship with them). You sound very caring and loving. I know how heartbreaking it is to see your mum like this but once you have a proper diagnosis and a clear path ahead things will seem better.

Take care of yourself too!

Blue sea