Mum in home 3 weeks now, so unhappy and distressed

Discussion in 'Middle - later stages of dementia' started by ferniegirl, Aug 9, 2015.

  1. ferniegirl

    ferniegirl Registered User

    May 10, 2015
    54
    Surrey, UK
    Hi everyone. My 90 year old mum was separated from my 99 yr old dad after 71 years of marriage 3 weeks ago, as her dementia worsened and she had to leave the home they had been in together for 5 months. My siblings and I have visited her, she is being well cared for but is totally confused and very unhappy. She has no idea at all where she is. She looks frail and ill. After a lot of deliberation we decided to take dad to see her. We knew it could possibly be disastrous and upsetting for both of them but we decided to try to see how it went. Well my mum was terribly distressed, she cried the whole time, she recognised dad but couldn't really hold a conversation with him (my dad is brilliant for 99, physically well, just bad short term memory), he was shocked at how much she has deteriorated. She kept saying how unhappy she was. We did our best to comfort her, told her dad was only down the road and we were all visiting as much as we could but she seems to be at the stage where nothing will comfort her. My dad has said he is not sure about going again. He is very happy in the home he is in which is perfect for him and they all love him there.

    So, it's so bloody sad and there is nothing to be done. She is being treated for depression and pain etc (she had shingles). I only hope the poor woman passes away soon for her sake.

    You know that feeling where you wake in the morning and for a few split seconds everything seems fine with the world and then reality hits you? I just feel so low with it all.

    Thanks for listening x
     
  2. starryuk

    starryuk Registered User

    Nov 8, 2012
    1,299
    Hi Ferniegirl,

    It is sad and I know that feeling of a heavy weight on your shoulders 24/7. I am sorry you feel so down about your mum.

    When you mentioned shingles, I wondered if your mum's distress had anything to do with the post herpetic neuralgia. (My mum had it and said the pain was worse than giving birth!) Perhaps it might be worth researching the possible treatments and talking to her gp. I think the professionals are sometimes too quick to put things down to the dementia. Apologies if you have already tried all this.

    On a brighter note...71 years together! How lovely. Your parents must have married just as the war was drawing to a close. There must be so many family stories to reminisce over.:)

    And...you are doing a brilliant job of looking after them both. Try to think of that.
     
  3. JayGun

    JayGun Registered User

    Jun 24, 2013
    298
    Is it possibly lovely that she's at the point in this disease when nothing's right, and she would be pretty unhappy anywhere? It's horrible to think about, but from reading posts on here it seems as if most people have a stage like this in the latter part of the disease.

    Did she have to move from the other home because she needed more care than they could provide?
     
  4. Patricia Alice

    Patricia Alice Registered User

    Mar 2, 2015
    179
    Hi Ferniegirl,

    It is so sad. I am the same as you right now.

    My mum got kicked out of 'dementia residential after 6 months, she was there with her sister of 85 years. Mum has had to go to dementia nursing.

    Yesterday was awful, I got there and there was music playing and carers were up dancing with residents (lovely to see), but my mum was sitting on her own with her face on the floor. I made her get up and dance with me and for one hour she seemed to perk up. We then went into the lovely sunshine and the mood dropped again; she wants to die, she is so unhappy. I tried to deflect the comments as best I could. She has started bedwetting (which she didn't when she shared a room with her sister).

    Today I am forcing myself to stay away for my own sanity and wellbeing. I would gladly visit but as I left yesterday she was shouting don't bother coming again.

    I am, like you, so down in the dumps to the point where I feel so ill.

    I have been advised by so many on here to take a step back and let the home do its job. so today I am taking that advice.

    I really don't think there is anything that we can do when they get to this stage in the dementia apart from be there (but not daily like I was)

    Take care xx
     
  5. 99purdy

    99purdy Registered User

    Oct 31, 2014
    129
    Hi Ferniegirl, your post really brought a tear to my eye. I just want to send best wishes and hugs to your Mum and Dad. X
     
  6. ferniegirl

    ferniegirl Registered User

    May 10, 2015
    54
    Surrey, UK
    Thank you...

    for all your kind replies. Starry - yes, absolutely re the shingles pain. I asked the home to get the doctor out again and to maybe consider putting her on Gabapentin which is meant to be good for neuralgic pain. They said that sometimes when asked mum says she is in pain and sometimes not, so they have been giving her paracetamol.

    Jay gun - your comment really was food for thought. Mum was not really happy at home in the last few years, she was not happy in the lovely, small, country-house- type care home that she was in with my dad and of course now she is dreadfully unhappy. I know no-one particularly wants to go into a home but my mum had always been a rather superior sort of person and would be completely horrified that she has 'ended up in a place like this', whereas my dad is more accepting and philosophical and is quite content.

    Patricia - I empathise with you so much. How can we be happy in our lives when our mothers are so dreadfully unhappy? I am protecting myself by visiting every week/10 days or so (I am an hour away) so as guilty as I know you feel I do think it is a good idea not to visit so often. If I thought my mum was comforted by my and my siblings visits I would visit more often but she is not and if anything it probably upsets her more. Are you going to take your Aunt to see her?
     
  7. ferniegirl

    ferniegirl Registered User

    May 10, 2015
    54
    Surrey, UK
    Thank you
     
  8. Patricia Alice

    Patricia Alice Registered User

    Mar 2, 2015
    179
    Hi Ferniegirl,

    I think our mums must be at the same stage because when we moved to a sheltered flat, she hated it, moved to a residential care home very comfy - hated it, and now in nursing she hates it even more! I really don't think my mum will be happy anywhere now.

    No Fernie, we are not taking my aunt to see mom, or visa versa, because it would just open up the wounds again a bit like dangling a carrot in front of mum and I think she would just start kicking off.

    Keep me posted :)
     
  9. starryuk

    starryuk Registered User

    Nov 8, 2012
    1,299
    Hi Ferniegirl,

    Hope the doctor comes out soon. If your mum has neuralgic pain, then paracetamol will be useless, won't it. Let us know how you get on.

    Starry
     
  10. ferniegirl

    ferniegirl Registered User

    May 10, 2015
    54
    Surrey, UK
    It's horrible isn't it, because you are basically saying "you are never going to see each other again" but you know there is no point as instead of being comforting, the visit will be stressful and distressing for them. I have no idea if we will ever take dad to see mum again. Can't believe we are in this situation.

    Will keep you posted and let me know how you are getting on x
     

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