Mum in her late 50's

[Marie9898]

Hi everyone, just needing to vent and get any advice and opinions please. My mum and I used to be best friends but in the last couple of years she has slowly turned on me and become a horrible person to me. At first she was a bit dismissive and then a bit too busy to talk to me as regularly as we used to and started being less social. Then she started making some condensending comments and then it got so bad that anything I said she would purposly start an argument or be vindictive towards me. She has become so aggressive it's scary, flying completely off the handle even in public and is short tempered towards customer service staff. I notice she has become a bit slower to make decisions thinking it must be a bit of old age be patient with her. Has become extremely controlling too. I know she has been up and down with anxiety and depression over the years and has always been a stresser. She drinks 2/3 glasses of wine per day and doesn't exercise and after trying to encourage her to get healthy has again lost the plot at me. She has has high blood pressure over the years also. Before I suspected anything medically wrong, thinking that she has just become a horrible person we haven't spoken in over 7 months because she won't forgive me for bringing my partner to breakfast who she said I wasn't allowed to. Do u think it is dementia and how do I even start to deal with this situation? Me even suggesting she go to the doctor will result in a massive argument. She is still so young and works part time. I miss the old mother I had who used to be my best friend

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @Marie9898 , and welcome to Dementia Talking Point. I'm sorry your worries about your mother have brought you here,
There are other things that can seem like dementia, such a vitamin deficiency or the menopause, so it would be a good idea if you could persuade your mum to go to the GP for a check up. Difficult if the two of you have fallen out, but is there anyone else in the family who could suggest it. What I and quite a few people here have done is send in a bullet point list of our concerns ahead of the appointment. You could also send a letter to your mum's GP with your concerns and ask that she is called in for a well-woman appointment or similar. Due to covid restrictions I guess you might have more difficulty getting your mum seen, but it does sound like she could do with a check up. My mother was considerably older than yours (in her mid eighties) when she started exhibiting similar behaviour. Certainly she started to lose her temper much more easily, and became very self-centred. She was finally diagnosed with vascular dementia, and given your mum's medical history that could be a possibility, but you need to get her properly checked over first.
Your mum is still pretty young, and in the normal run of things shouldn't be slowing down much, so I think you are right to be worried, but getting a diagnosis could be tricky.
I'm sure others will be along shortly with their suggestions, but in the meantime do have a look round the site. This is a very supportive and friendly place.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

Hi everyone, just needing to vent and get any advice and opinions please. My mum and I used to be best friends but in the last couple of years she has slowly turned on me and become a horrible person to me. At first she was a bit dismissive and then a bit too busy to talk to me as regularly as we used to and started being less social. Then she started making some condensending comments and then it got so bad that anything I said she would purposly start an argument or be vindictive towards me. She has become so aggressive it's scary, flying completely off the handle even in public and is short tempered towards customer service staff. I notice she has become a bit slower to make decisions thinking it must be a bit of old age be patient with her. Has become extremely controlling too. I know she has been up and down with anxiety and depression over the years and has always been a stresser. She drinks 2/3 glasses of wine per day and doesn't exercise and after trying to encourage her to get healthy has again lost the plot at me. She has has high blood pressure over the years also. Before I suspected anything medically wrong, thinking that she has just become a horrible person we haven't spoken in over 7 months because she won't forgive me for bringing my partner to breakfast who she said I wasn't allowed to. Do u think it is dementia and how do I even start to deal with this situation? Me even suggesting she go to the doctor will result in a massive argument. She is still so young and works part time. I miss the old mother I had who used to be my best friend

I wonder if it's possible for you to speak discreetly and privately to someone she works with? If this has been going on for a couple of years, I'm sure they will have noticed changes too and may well be concerned. It would be useful to see if she is behaving the same with others.

Another thing you can do is to write to her GP, detailing all the changes in her behaviour and add that you are very concerned about her. Make it clear she will not speak to you and flies into a rage if you suggest a doctor, and that she is in complete denial that anything is wrong. They won't speak to you directly (data protection, patient confidentiality, etc) but they do have to listen to what you say. A good GP would call her in on some pretext, say a standard 'well woman' check up or similar. You could suggest they do so in case they're a bit slow on the uptake...

And maybe you can break the 7 month stand off, though I suspect it will have to come from you! How would it be if you phoned and said you miss seeing her and could you get together for a coffee? Don't mention the previous fall out. You're right she was being horrible and unreasonable but to find out what's going on, you need to try to get on her good side and at least open communications again. (I do appreciate this may not be possible...)

 

[Marie9898]

Hi @Marie9898 , and welcome to Dementia Talking Point. I'm sorry your worries about your mother have brought you here,
There are other things that can seem like dementia, such a vitamin deficiency or the menopause, so it would be a good idea if you could persuade your mum to go to the GP for a check up. Difficult if the two of you have fallen out, but is there anyone else in the family who could suggest it. What I and quite a few people here have done is send in a bullet point list of our concerns ahead of the appointment. You could also send a letter to your mum's GP with your concerns and ask that she is called in for a well-woman appointment or similar. Due to covid restrictions I guess you might have more difficulty getting your mum seen, but it does sound like she could do with a check up. My mother was considerably older than yours (in her mid eighties) when she started exhibiting similar behaviour. Certainly she started to lose her temper much more easily, and became very self-centred. She was finally diagnosed with vascular dementia, and given your mum's medical history that could be a possibility, but you need to get her properly checked over first.
Your mum is still pretty young, and in the normal run of things shouldn't be slowing down much, so I think you are right to be worried, but getting a diagnosis could be tricky.
I'm sure others will be along shortly with their suggestions, but in the meantime do have a look round the site. This is a very supportive and friendly place.

Thankyou so much! Really appreciate the reply and thoughts xx

 

[AlifieBow]

Hello

I second all the above comments and from what you say would say MENOPAUSE! I had similar with my mum at the same age but she never accepted it, refused all attempts to suggest ways to help and eventually I gave up. It was her choice to endure the later years of her life rather than enjoy them and I just decided not to take her actions to heart. Now in her 80's with moderate dementia she is a sweet little old lady - it is sad to see her frail with cancer and I wish I had addressed more of her post 50's character changes at the time but it's too late now as she barely knows who I am.
I hope you can get through to her so that she can get checked out and wish you luck. I hope you find your mum again and have many more happy years together.

 

[Marie9898]

Hello

I second all the above comments and from what you say would say MENOPAUSE! I had similar with my mum at the same age but she never accepted it, refused all attempts to suggest ways to help and eventually I gave up. It was her choice to endure the later years of her life rather than enjoy them and I just decided not to take her actions to heart. Now in her 80's with moderate dementia she is a sweet little old lady - it is sad to see her frail with cancer and I wish I had addressed more of her post 50's character changes at the time but it's too late now as she barely knows who I am.
I hope you can get through to her so that she can get checked out and wish you luck. I hope you find your mum again and have many more happy years together.

Thankyou for taking the time to reply! Really appreciate your kind words xx