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mum in denial not accepting help, beginning to dislike her

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,592
South coast
Hello @Mobbin17 and welcome to DTP
Im sorry to hear about your mum. Covid is causing extra challenges to all of us
We narrowly avoided walking through poo in the hallway...............By late afternoon ,when I asked her if she would like some soup ,as she obviously hadn’t been well ,she just looked at me blankly , no real reaction and said that yes she’d have soup . No reaction at all ,no apology,no thank yous . Was I right to mention it to her ?
She had almost certainly forgotten the whole episode by then. Its best not to remind her. You get used to the lack of thanks, apologies or anything :rolleyes:
 

TNJJ

Registered User
May 7, 2019
1,521
cornwall
Hello everyone, I have joined the group this morning , yesterday was a challenging day and I googled for support groups . I am married and with my husband we are caring for my 88 year old Mum. Dementia was officially diagnosed mid April . Reading through these posts and replies , I know that she has been suffering for a couple of years really. Mum has been living with us for about 4 years , not for any health reasons at all . Covid 19 is a challenge for all of us I know , but has really confused my Mum and has magnified all the problems she already has . Constant questions about going out for a meal , going shopping, planning a holiday , are the children ( our grandchildren/ her great grandchildren) at school today the same questions over and over again. I now realise that it had already been happening , but the current situation has added new challenges . Though she still showers or washes every day , we took over cleaning her bedroom, en-suite , changing her bed and sometimes washing her clothes as things were beginning to smell . So , yesterday , after spending a little while talking to my son and daughter-in-law from our doorstep, Mum went back inside . When we came back I. We narrowly avoided walking through poo in the hallway, and Mum had obviously gone upstairs to change . My husband and I cleaned the floor .She said nothing when she came back down ,just put her clothes in the washing machine. By late afternoon ,when I asked her if she would like some soup ,as she obviously hadn’t been well ,she just looked at me blankly , no real reaction and said that yes she’d have soup . No reaction at all ,no apology,no thank yous . Was I right to mention it to her ? Sorry to ramble .
Hi😀To be honest she had probably forgotten about it..My dad has Vascular Dementia and he forgets things. I don’t bother to mention it to him as sometimes it causes more upset.. Just a suggestion if your mum is not always aware of needing the toilet how about pull ups? These are disposable and saves you washing them. My dad would often smell as he would not wash in the early stages...
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
763
Hi @Mobbin17, w a warm welcome to the forum. If you think this could be a continence issue it may be worth speaking to the GP Surgery and see if they can make an appointment with the Continence Nurse - they may be able to provide pads for Mum. I found in similar circumstances Mum had no recollection of accidents, so I just used to clean them up and not mention it. We then went down the route of pads etc. which helped. All the best.
 

Mobbin17

New member
May 25, 2020
5
Hi @Mobbin17, w a warm welcome to the forum. If you think this could be a continence issue it may be worth speaking to the GP Surgery and see if they can make an appointment with the Continence Nurse - they may be able to provide pads for Mum. I found in similar circumstances Mum had no recollection of accidents, so I just used to clean them up and not mention it. We then went down the route of pads etc. which helped. All the best.
 

Mobbin17

New member
May 25, 2020
5
Thank you for your replies. We do buy the pull-up disposable pants for Mum and she does wear them . She had left wet patches on seats for a while and also her bed was wet some mornings. A main reason for taking on the changing of bedclothes etc . In that regard , there have been improvements , though we still check seats when she stands . This last episode was therefore a shock . There was talk of an incontinence clinic , but the current situation seems to be slowing things down . I will follow your advice and just get in with it , thank you .
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,592
South coast
She had left wet patches on seats for a while and also her bed was wet some mornings. A main reason for taking on the changing of bedclothes etc . In that regard , there have been improvements , though we still check seats when she stands
Try buying a a kylie sheet or two and putting on the chair/sofa. A kylie sheet is an absorbent fabric pad, a lot smaller than an actual sheet, which is designed to go in the bed to absorb the urine and can be washed and reused. You could easily pop one on a sofa and whip it off when necessary. They also dry pretty quickly too.
 

Iscamaid

New member
May 22, 2020
3
I agree with @DesperateofDevon that you just have to go ahead and do it. I organised carers for my mother without even discussing it with her. I rang her the day before they were starting and told her a nice lady was coming to help her - I focussed on the things she acknowledged she found difficult, like carrying heavy shopping or getting cat to vet, and said they would help with that. They then did more or less everything for her from the shopping to laundry to making meals. I never used the word 'carer'.
Hiya,
This rings so true with me, I moved my mother in with me but I needed help with her. Mother wouldn't accept there was anything wrong but I needed someone to help when I was at work.
I arranged thru Age UK for a carer to come , I told mother she was a cleaner. That worked out well. The carer would then take mother out in the car and have a chat and lunch.
Age UK have been very helpful but when lock down came it really all crashed to a halt
 

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,219
@Iscamaid hopefully in the next few weeks you may be able to get help again. Age UK didn't offer any help in our area, so I got my mother's carers through an agency, they were really good with her.
 

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