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mum in denial not accepting help, beginning to dislike her

Butterflypumpkin

New member
Feb 18, 2020
1
My mum was diagnosed a year ago and has become increasingly worse but she still will not accept anything is wrong with her which makes it very stressful when I try to help.
I need now to get her a carer but she will not allow me to .
My lovely,caring,kind mum has become someone that I’m beginning not to like which is awful.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
8,767
Yorkshire
hello @Butterflypumpkin
a warm welcome to DTP

it can be tough and frustrating trying to help someone

your mum isn't so much in denial as now much less able to process how things truly are for her ... she doesn't herself realise that she is having difficulties so for her there's nothing wrong and she can look after herself, not realising how much you do for her ... and we're only human, so it can be hard to like someone who is resisisting our help and not even acknowledging it ... sadly you see what is happening and what needs to be done

is there a way you could fib a little and eg say you are treating her to a housekeeper, or whatever may get around her resistance
 

Demi Jones

Registered User
Jun 14, 2019
15
My mum was diagnosed a year ago and has become increasingly worse but she still will not accept anything is wrong with her which makes it very stressful when I try to help.
I need now to get her a carer but she will not allow me to .
My lovely,caring,kind mum has become someone that I’m beginning not to like which is awful.
It was the same for us over five years ago we went through this, for us mum kept saying there is nothing wrong with me convinced everyone that she did everything herself cooking cleaning washing gardening and the facts was i did her cleaning washing gardening and bought her food as she would go to the shop and buy shampoo (she could stack a supermarket shelf with how much she had bought) the final straw came she was in hospital with a urine infection which sent her crazy but when that was all over her dementia had dipped,she is now in a care home and still say's she does everything herself and she still feels there is nothing wrong with her.
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,658
My mum was diagnosed a year ago and has become increasingly worse but she still will not accept anything is wrong with her which makes it very stressful when I try to help.
I need now to get her a carer but she will not allow me to .
My lovely,caring,kind mum has become someone that I’m beginning not to like which is awful.
It’s heartbreaking isn’t it, I’m afraid eventually with Aged mother I had to step back & several crisis happened that eventually triggered care & help becoming available.
I actually used to say to my husband I love my mum but I don’t actually like her- my husband felt the same but without the emotional baggage I carried with me!
Sadly the social care process has to be followed & it’s so stressful continually banging on doors.
For me the turning point was when I actually stopped pushing for help.. but I had all the facts & evidence accrued for when that happened.
I truly hope that you find help & solace inside this forum as I continually do.
you are not alone in how you feel

if it’s any consolation ( believe me it is a minuscule amount) as Aged Mother declines I now have the mother daughter relationship I craved at times....yes the awkward stubborn old ways are not a total thing of the past, but having gone through this with Dad I feel it’s a bit of a second child situation in some ways .
little bit more relaxed & a lot more exhausted!
:oops:
Keep posting
Xx
 

candlelight

Registered User
Sep 3, 2017
7
This rings so many bells for me with my Mum. My Dad is really struggling with taking on most of the household tasks now plus dealing with daily verbal abuse from Mum.

everytime I mention getting in some help with housework she gets hysterical, crying and shouting and very distressed. I just dont know what to do - Dad is near breaking point.
 

EpgLondon

New member
Feb 24, 2020
3
My mum was diagnosed a year ago and has become increasingly worse but she still will not accept anything is wrong with her which makes it very stressful when I try to help.
I need now to get her a carer but she will not allow me to .
My lovely,caring,kind mum has become someone that I’m beginning not to like which is awful.
Like others who have responded, your situation is so familiar. It's only natural for you to feel the way you do. This disease turns everything and everyone upside down and inside out. It is so tough for you when all you are doing is trying to help. I wish there were a clear route for you but everyone is different and for now, stepping back a little may help you. It's hard though.

My 86 year old mother still believes she does everything for herself and 'only needs someone to come in and help walk the dog.' I have found the hardest thing is not to try to rationalise it and correct her when what she is saying is so far from the reality. My mother taught us not to take any nonsense so it's hard to hear such nonsense from her lips. We have tried many people to come in and help and none of them have been 'suitable.' We have felt despair and anger, pushed back when we could and tried every angle we could think of. Nothing has worked. My sister and I have had to step back and just be there for the essentials; getting food in (though that's becoming increasingly difficult) and making sure the house is warm and safe. It is a terrible thing to admit but we are just waiting for something to happen.

It is good that you are reaching out to share your experience and do find other outlets to say how you feel. It is important to look after yourself in all this, too.
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,658
This rings so many bells for me with my Mum. My Dad is really struggling with taking on most of the household tasks now plus dealing with daily verbal abuse from Mum.

everytime I mention getting in some help with housework she gets hysterical, crying and shouting and very distressed. I just dont know what to do - Dad is near breaking point.
Sadly I’m afraid you have to just act & seek help.
it’s like having a giant toddler at times with a bank account! Acting in someone’s best interests is not always the easy option but in the long run the best.
 

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,137
I agree with @DesperateofDevon that you just have to go ahead and do it. I organised carers for my mother without even discussing it with her. I rang her the day before they were starting and told her a nice lady was coming to help her - I focussed on the things she acknowledged she found difficult, like carrying heavy shopping or getting cat to vet, and said they would help with that. They then did more or less everything for her from the shopping to laundry to making meals. I never used the word 'carer'.
 

candlelight

Registered User
Sep 3, 2017
7
I agree with @DesperateofDevon that you just have to go ahead and do it. I organised carers for my mother without even discussing it with her. I rang her the day before they were starting and told her a nice lady was coming to help her - I focussed on the things she acknowledged she found difficult, like carrying heavy shopping or getting cat to vet, and said they would help with that. They then did more or less everything for her from the shopping to laundry to making meals. I never used the word 'carer'.
the CMH nurse is coming to see her again this week so am hoping she may be able to get Mum to have some help - if only just the ironing!!
 

kitkat67

Registered User
Dec 19, 2017
11
It's so frustrating isn't it. I have the same with my mum. She stills has my dad and they manage well between themselves, but the non acceptance puts obstacles in the way which could be made so much easier with acceptance.
What I am learning from the incredible people on here is that you have to be a bit creative in getting the help for your mum.
As for for sometimes not liking your mum - it's ok to not like how someone is behaving - you obviously still love and care for her. Hold onto that when it gets tough
 

RosettaT

Registered User
Sep 9, 2018
435
Mid Lincs
My mum used to be the same, refusing help no matter form it was couched as. In the end because she wasn't changing her clothes and the kitchen was getting into a state because she would splash and spill things and didn't realise I told her it was non negotiable I was going ahead and engaging someone.
After a couple of visits it was difficult to get her to allow them to work she just wanted to talk to them! I agreed they would work for an hour then chat with her for 15mins. She loved them coming and used to look forward to it.
 

CLtired2020

New member
Feb 27, 2020
2
I agree with @DesperateofDevon that you just have to go ahead and do it. I organised carers for my mother without even discussing it with her. I rang her the day before they were starting and told her a nice lady was coming to help her - I focussed on the things she acknowledged she found difficult, like carrying heavy shopping or getting cat to vet, and said they would help with that. They then did more or less everything for her from the shopping to laundry to making meals. I never used the word 'carer'.
Hiya. I have responsibility the care for my aunt who has dementia. She gets very angry with me at times and it has been very difficult to establish any support for her. However she has now accepted a ‘home help’ to pop in everyday for a cup of tea and a natter. In reality this is an amazing carer who has established a great rapport with my aunt and is gradually getting my aunt to agree to help with cleaning and cooking.
 

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,137
That's great news @CathyLloyd
I found that my mother really took to her first carer, which made things a lot easier. On occasion there was a carer who didn't meet with her approval - who was summarily dismissed! The agency were very good about providing regular carers she liked.
 

Jean Carol

New member
Feb 26, 2020
1
I can identify with this situation as my mother's character changed when she had dementia. She was argumentative, which was very unlike her. Can any other family members help you to share the load?
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,658
It's so frustrating isn't it. I have the same with my mum. She stills has my dad and they manage well between themselves, but the non acceptance puts obstacles in the way which could be made so much easier with acceptance.
What I am learning from the incredible people on here is that you have to be a bit creative in getting the help for your mum.
As for for sometimes not liking your mum - it's ok to not like how someone is behaving - you obviously still love and care for her. Hold onto that when it gets tough
allowing yourself to acknowledge that you don't like a loved ones behaviour is a difficult process - but allowing yourself not to like but still love is a positive step
it helped me keep my sanity at times
 

Weasell

Registered User
Oct 21, 2019
123
It doesn’t matter at all if you don’t like your mother.
what matters is you don’t display the behaviours you would usually use on someone you don’t like.
she can not see inside your head!
I have been on a steep learning curve. In particular to let my mother do what she wants and not nag ,example, heating nearly a pint of milk to make a coffee. There are so many different examples but the challenge is ignoring their activities. In this case I would just say ‘ there are some nice biscuits in the tin’.
The invisible parrot on my shoulder can be shouting ‘ that’s a ****waste of milk’ but she doesn’t know that.
They talk a lot about love lies on this forum.
i think I would claim to have hurt my back and have someone come in (only for a month!!!!??) to help with bending tasks. I don’t think I would use the carer word.
Short term home help service perhaps.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
11,630
South coast
I must say @Weasell that I do love the concept of there being an invisible parrot on your shoulder who is squawking out all the things you would love to say, but dont. 🤭
 

Ramblingrose

Registered User
Feb 2, 2020
10
So its not just me. I am now at the point where I don't want to have to be with my mother. My dad aged 88 is her full time carer and I have to battle with him too. If one more person tells me its a shame for my mother I swear I will kill them. She lives the life of riley without a care or worry in the world. Its the rest of the family who its a shame for having to cope with her.