Mum in care home crying and angry - need advice

[Scriv]

You are doing a very good deed for your Mum as, sadly, she is not capable of this task anymore.. you are taking the responsibility off her shoulders and are getting the funds together to be able to give her the much needed care.

However, I know exactly what you are feeling as we have just been through exactly the same. It is as bad and as sad as clearing the house of a deceased person... but in a way, much worse, as you feel you are doing something wrong in doing it.

 

[Andyp101]

I can only sympathize about clearing the house while Mum is in a CH. I am currently doing that and it feels so wrong. Mum isn't dead but it has to be done. Part of it is accepting that Mum isn't going o come back here but also it seems disrespectful. The clothes that she will never wear and silly little sentimental objects that to be honest she does not know about have so many memories for me And that is it; they have memories for me. Not for Mum. My only solution is to keep those small objects with me. Only a few of them. Some I have tried to give Mum in the home. She does not recognize them but if I give them with a story, if I re-tell that story every time I go (it gives something to talk about), if they do not take up too much space in her room, what is the harm? I hope it helps to know most of us have been there as well. Take care. x

 

[DeMartin]

I felt guilty about dismantling my mothers life when she went into care, I have a cupboard full of her treasures, wardrobe full of her shoes.
Last Friday the house clearance people came in, I should have been there, but chest infection stopped me. I hated the idea of strangers taking all the furniture she’d so loving polished. It wasn’t posh, most of it she’d bought in charity shops, and woefully out of date, the chairs she’d bought for the first house, 1952. Sad to think of it all gone.

 

[Glitzy]

Helen, I haven't time for a proper reply but couldn't read and run.

I do know what you mean about clearing your mum's house. I cleared my dad's house after he died and that was awful, but also had to clear my mother's home (after she went into the care home) to sell it, and that was awful in a different way. It does feel uncomfortable and not right to do that, when someone is still alive, without their knowledge. All I can offer is that it isn't you doing something terrible to your mother, or being a bad person or a bad daughter, but the disease forcing your hand.

Oh, and I'm also an only child so I know what you mean about being the only one.

Please hang in there and do what you can, to look after yourself. Best wishes.

Hi Amy, thank you so much for your response, it certainly helps to know that others have been down this path before and that I am not unique going through this. Thank you again. X

 

[Glitzy]

I do understand how you feel about selling the house, Helen, it's definitely 'worse' when the person is still alive. My mother went into a CH in February, she lived in a rented flat so I didn't have to sell, but she had lived there nearly 50 years and we had to clear it and hand the keys back to the landlord. It was the flat I had lived in myself during my teenage years. It was a shock to hear the flat was being put up for auction, I didn't really want to know what happened to it - I can't imagine someonelse living there. It was very sad, but it helped that everyone involved was very helpful and understanding.

I know it's difficult but see it as all being done for her benefit - selling the house means she can pay for her new home. Being self-funding gives you a lot more choice than if you are reliant on the LA, so you are doing a positive thing to keep her comfortable for her future.

Hi Sirena, thank you for taking the time to respond to my post. It does help knowing that others have got through this and I know that I must get myself together soon and get on with doing this. Thank you again, Helen. X

 

[Glitzy]

I can only sympathize about clearing the house while Mum is in a CH. I am currently doing that and it feels so wrong. Mum isn't dead but it has to be done. Part of it is accepting that Mum isn't going o come back here but also it seems disrespectful. The clothes that she will never wear and silly little sentimental objects that to be honest she does not know about have so many memories for me And that is it; they have memories for me. Not for Mum. My only solution is to keep those small objects with me. Only a few of them. Some I have tried to give Mum in the home. She does not recognize them but if I give them with a story, if I re-tell that story every time I go (it gives something to talk about), if they do not take up too much space in her room, what is the harm? I hope it helps to know most of us have been there as well. Take care. x

Thank you so much for your response, everyone is so helpful on here in sharing their experiences. At the moment mum refuses to have anything from her house in the room in the care home. They have said that as she is paying for it, it is her home and we can do anything to it for her. We can change the wallpaper, bring he own furniture or bed or whatever in. She can have anything but she refuses point blank to even consider anything. I took her wedding photo in but I think she broke it (she said it fell apart) and it is now in a drawer, she says she doesn’t want my dad to see her in her current state. But hopefully as her medication kicks in things may change and we can make her room more personal for her. Thank you again for your help. Helen. X

 

[Glitzy]

I felt guilty about dismantling my mothers life when she went into care, I have a cupboard full of her treasures, wardrobe full of her shoes.
Last Friday the house clearance people came in, I should have been there, but chest infection stopped me. I hated the idea of strangers taking all the furniture she’d so loving polished. It wasn’t posh, most of it she’d bought in charity shops, and woefully out of date, the chairs she’d bought for the first house, 1952. Sad to think of it all gone.

Hi, thank you for your response. It is the same for my mum, most of what she has is old. A lot of the furniture is from when mum and dad moved in in the late 50’s and the rest of it is from the 70’s. It doesn’t have any value as it is neither new nor antique. I have provisionally booked a small storage unit to keep a lot of her bits in and her clothes as she keeps remembering an item and I have to take it in to her (took her winter coat in yesterday). Can I just ask, did you pay for the house clearance or did they pay you? I remember whe the house clearance people would come in and either clear it for free or you a small amount of money but looking on the internet recently it seems that you now have to pay them. Thank you again for taking the time to reply and I hope you get through all this OK as well. Helen X

 

[DeMartin]

Hi, thank you for your response. It is the same for my mum, most of what she has is old. A lot of the furniture is from when mum and dad moved in in the late 50’s and the rest of it is from the 70’s. It doesn’t have any value as it is neither new nor antique. I have provisionally booked a small storage unit to keep a lot of her bits in and her clothes as she keeps remembering an item and I have to take it in to her (took her winter coat in yesterday). Can I just ask, did you pay for the house clearance or did they pay you? I remember whe the house clearance people would come in and either clear it for free or you a small amount of money but looking on the internet recently it seems that you now have to pay them. Thank you again for taking the time to reply and I hope you get through all this OK as well. Helen X

I paid them, all articles of value had been removed, so they were left with brown furniture, fridge, washing machine, old beds, kitchen junk. As none of it had a total value of £100 I expected to pay for removal and disposal,
Talking to the representative, If any of the furniture had an auction value they would have sent it to a sale and I would receive the sale proceeds.
They claim to distribute to charity, recycling, and only land fill as a last resort.
Cheerful little thing, they bale up all the towels etc, local shelters and animal charities will call them and an employee will deliver a load for animal bedding. Edited the company I chose got good reports from both my solicitor and estate agent, also had LA contract.

 

[Sirena]

Yes, you do have to pay the house clearance people Helen. We did this for my grandparents in 2010, and my mother a couple of months ago, and both times we had to pay (as DeMartin says, you obviously take everything of value/that you want before they arrive).

 

[Glitzy]

You are doing a very good deed for your Mum as, sadly, she is not capable of this task anymore.. you are taking the responsibility off her shoulders and are getting the funds together to be able to give her the much needed care.

However, I know exactly what you are feeling as we have just been through exactly the same. It is as bad and as sad as clearing the house of a deceased person... but in a way, much worse, as you feel you are doing something wrong in doing it.

Hi Scriv, thank you for replying to my post and for your words of support. I know I will have to start soon but it’s when I am alone in mum’s house that I feel worse. It was my childhood home and all the family memories are there. My dad physically built the house and he and my mum worked so hard to make it a nice house and I feel that I am betraying them both by clearing out and selling the house. Dementia is so unfair and has such an upsetting impact on those of us trying to deal with the fallout from it. Kind regards, Helen. X

 

[Glitzy]

I paid them, all articles of value had been removed, so they were left with brown furniture, fridge, washing machine, old beds, kitchen junk. As none of it had a total value of £100 I expected to pay for removal and disposal,
Talking to the representative, If any of the furniture had an auction value they would have sent it to a sale and I would receive the sale proceeds.
They claim to distribute to charity, recycling, and only land fill as a last resort.
Cheerful little thing, they bale up all the towels etc, local shelters and animal charities will call them and an employee will deliver a load for animal bedding. Edited the company I chose got good reports from both my solicitor and estate agent, also had LA contract.

Thank you for the information. Kind regards, Helen. X

 

[Glitzy]

Yes, you do have to pay the house clearance people Helen. We did this for my grandparents in 2010, and my mother a couple of months ago, and both times we had to pay (as DeMartin says, you obviously take everything of value/that you want before they arrive).

Hi Sirena, thank you for the information. Most of mum’s stuff is not worth anything but I am sure there are charities that could benefit from them. Kind regards, Helen. X

 

[Shedrech]

hi @Glitzy
there are charities that will take furniture and useable items eg British Heart Foundation
I found a local charity that helps kit out a house for those who have just been housed after being homeless and so have a roof over their head but nothing to put in the house - they took furniture, white goods, pots & pans, cutlery .... they did check that what they took was serviceable - I felt good that someone was gaining so much benefit from my parents things - and their deal was that when the person 'lent' the things was able to replace them by buying their own, the things were given back to the charity and so available for someone else
neither charged, of course, and took the bulk of dad's things

 

[DeMartin]

Charities usually will only take resellable items. All chairs etc have to have safety labels in situ. They mostly will not take duvets & pillows. Some will not take “Brown “ furniture.
You may find smaller local charities more helpful.
Remember to gift aid if possible,, for every pound the charity sell your mum’s things, the government gives 25p, that’s if mum pays any type of taxes.

 

[70smand]

I’m so glad your mum is settling a little more. Hopefully the increased sertraline will help, but I shouldn’t worry too much about it turning her into a zombie as it’s usually well tolerated and my dad seems sensitive to everything and he was fine on sertraline, although I know everyone is different.

 

[70smand]

Oops, didn’t finish, but just wanted to wish you strength in the heartbreaking task of selling your family home- I can only imagine how painful that must be. Sending big hugs x

 

[Glitzy]

Oops, didn’t finish, but just wanted to wish you strength in the heartbreaking task of selling your family home- I can only imagine how painful that must be. Sending big hugs x

Thank you for your comments and you kind thoughts. They are movers much appreciated. Best wishes, Helen.

 

[Moggymad]

Hi Scriv, thank you for replying to my post and for your words of support. I know I will have to start soon but it’s when I am alone in mum’s house that I feel worse. It was my childhood home and all the family memories are there. My dad physically built the house and he and my mum worked so hard to make it a nice house and I feel that I am betraying them both by clearing out and selling the house. Dementia is so unfair and has such an upsetting impact on those of us trying to deal with the fallout from it. Kind regards, Helen. X

It is very hard selling the family home that you grew up in. We had to do this when my dad died 18 yrs ago & even now I still keep an eye out for when it goes up for sale. Dad died in that house so he never left it. My partners dad built their family home & his dad still lives there alone. He has alzheimers,although early stages, but my partner does a lot of maintenance work on it & he & his sister try to keep the garden under control. He says he can't bear the thought of other people living in 'his' family home & when the time comes & would rather move in & sell ours to give his sister her share. Trouble is I'm not sure I want to as to me it will always be his family home & not my home. Anyway who knows what will happen if his dad eventually needs to go into care. When my mum moved into her care home last year from a council rented flat, we contacted BHF & homeless charities etc & 90% of mum's furniture was taken by them. It helps to think it will do a good turn for someone else. That's what my mum always tried to do. Best wishes X

 

[Toony Oony]

I had to downsize Mum when I moved her into assisted care, and am in the process of doing the same now that she is in a CH and her flat is on the market.
I have found that it is not the likely things that I cannot get rid of, but really silly stuff!
I have taken in a few bits for Mum's room. She accepts them as lovely new gifts, in the same way as she accepts new items that I have bought her. She has no memory of the older items and this has helped me, as I dispose of them.

Downsizing was a nightmare 6 years ago, so the current task is not too daunting. However, it was the really important stuff that was kept then and that is what I have to deal with now. Mum's attitude to possessions was the complete opposite to mine - she liked nostalgic clutter and couldn't get rid of anything. I like carefully chosen minimalism. Mum was a bit of a hoarder (every greetings card given to her by family in 89 years!) - I still haven't worked out what to do with those.

I am selling a lot of Mum's stuff on a well-known auction site, as I did before. I am working on the premise that any money raised will go towards Mum's care. Even a small item may pay for a trip, or a hairdo, the chiropodist etc. All items need photographing for listing, so I have a file of all the pictures for nostalgia's sake.

Freecycle is a good way to pass other stuff on to someone who can use it. I will never forget the joy of a single Mum and her little girl who collected Mum's Christmas tree and decorations, as it meant that they could decorate their flat properly for Christmas for the first time. Mum would have loved that. Many charities will arrange for collection if there is a sufficient amount. Old jewellery (costume and decent, broken or OK) can be sent to Alzheimers for fund raising. Local women's refuges will often welcome bedding, towels etc as when the residents leave they like to give them a starter pack.

 

[fizzie]

Thank you for taking the time to reply. The staff at her care home are wonderful and are doing their best to make her happy. I don’t think anything will stop her blaming me as I’ve tried the doctor thing already. I did once walk out when she was rude and then refused to speak me. I sat there for quite a while and there was absolutely no reaction from her to anything I said ‘did you see the snow’, ‘do you want a cup of tea?’, etc so I left but that never bothered her. She frequently thinks I’m her mum and goes on about ‘how could my own mother put me in a place like this.....’ it just makes me feel so sad and being an only child I feel all th guilt and the blame for this. Thank you again..x

Macular degeneration makes life so much harder for people. Have you arranged for her to have audio books and there are other activities that she can do - have a look at RNIB website to see if there are things she would like. You might need to speak with the activities coordinator and give her some help because often they don't seem to be able to find much to do with MD residents. I saw a lady the other day with a rubik cube with raised patterns to denote the colours - she told me it drove her bonkers but it did occupy some time too. RNIB have some good suggestions and great easy to use radios - tune it to radio 4. I've seen people get very depressed with macular because it empties their lives - might be worth trying some anti depressants just to get her through