Hello
@Glitzy, and I am sorry to hear about the situation with your mother and all the upset and distress.
I wanted to reply as I have been in a similar situation, and it did get better, so I hope to be able to offer you some hope.
Firstly, I want to say that so much of what you describe is very common with dementia. I know that doesn't make the situation better or change anything, but I have often found it helpful to know that a certain behaviour was down to the disease, not necessarily me, and that my mother wasn't the only one with those particular issues.
I am not sure how long your mother has been diagnosed, how long she has had the dementia, and how far along she is. From what you describe, she was definitely not safe living at home any longer: falls, not being able to take medications correctly, and other dangerous behaviours mean that more supervision is necessary for the PWD (person with dementia) to be safe and get proper care. Often a residential facility or care home is really the only workable option, for a variety of reasons.
I know you know all of this, but I am saying it as I want to emphasize that you did not "put" your mother in a care home. The disease causes brain damage, physical changes in the brain, which mean your mother can no longer look after herself properly and be safe by herself. Dementia is the reason that your mother has moved into a care home. This is not your fault, and you are not to blame. You did not give her this disease, it just happened. The dementia is the enemy, not you.
By all means, feel sad and upset and angry and grieving, but try not to let the guilt take hold. The guilt will get you nowhere and will just make you feel worse. You didn't do anything wrong, you are not a bad person, you are not at fault.
On the contrary, you acted as a responsible and caring person, to make sure your mother is safe and getting the care she needs. I know this is likely hard to hear and accept (there are still days I doubt I am a decent human being), but please try to be kind to yourself and not add to your burden.
All of what you describe: the inability to look after herself in terms of taking medications, the sundowning, your mother's very upsetting statements about wanting to kill herself or be dead, the accusations that you are evil and the devil, that you have "dumped" or "abandoned" her here, how could her own family do that to her, the sobbing, the disowning, the wanting to go home to her own house, that you have stolen her house, that you only want her money, the inability to reason and be logical, the "denial" of the depth of her problems, all of it, it's all the dementia. None of that is anything you did, it's the dementia producing that. I have seen and heard it all before, from my own mother, from people in my local support groups and workshops, and from many, many people here on TP. Again, I know that doesn't change the situation you're in, but I want to reassure you that this is the disease talking, not something you have done.
If you will bear with me, and I am sorry to talk so much about myself, I have been through something very similar with my own mother. I am an only child and so is my mother. My parents were divorced when I was young and my father died almost 20 years ago and I am her only family. About six years ago my mother started having what I now know, were earlier symptoms of her dementia (probably Alzheimer's) and needed a lot of help. Three years ago she had a crisis (found wandering in inadequate clothing in cold weather, disoriented, injured) and was taken to hospital, sectioned, spent a week or two under section, diagnosed, then was discharged to a care home. She was no longer safe living alone at home (with no support or services as she refused). She could not bathe, shop, prepare meals, eat properly, take her medications, clean, pay bills. She wasn't eating or sleeping and was, among other things, malnourished. She had had at least two car accidents, and lost money to scammers, and so on. It was horrific.
Both while under section and when we moved her to the care home, she was unbelievably nasty to me. I had put her in hospital, I had dumped her in the care home, I wanted to steal her money, I wanted to take her house, I was the devil incarnate, I was the most ungrateful and worthless child ever, I had stolen her away from all her friends (she had none, by the way) and locked her up, and it went on and on. The care home nurse manager said she's seen a lot of this sort of thing, but my mother was the worst she'd ever seen. She advised me to stay away for a while and I'd been warned about this by the social worker in hospital as well.
So I didn't visit my mother in her new care home for two months. Yes, you read that right, two months. My mother's meds were under better control after her stay in hospital, but it still took some time to sort things out, and I was a trigger for her anxiety, distress, and vitriol. My husband did go to check on her, as she likes him, and I was in frequent contact with the staff via phone and email.
When I did start visiting, I kept the visits short, timed them for a good part of the day for her (her sundowning can be pretty bad), often timed them so she would go to a meal or activity shortly after my arrival, didn't visit alone for a long time (maybe a year), didn't spent any time alone in her room with her (she often wanted to take me off "for a chat" which meant nothing good, so I refused) and stuck to the common areas, left the room if she got the least bit agitated (I "went to the toilet" a lot!), and cut the visit short if there was any further sign of agitation.
I also never say exactly when I'm coming back, as that was also a trigger for her upset. I just say "see you soon." I also leave my coat and bag in the car, so gathering them up is not a signal I'm leaving, and enlist a staff member to distract her if needed.
(My mother's dementia has now advanced to the point where she hasn't been nasty to me in a long time and much of this is no longer necessary, but I am still cautious.)
Only you know what will work for you and your mother, but if you need someone to give you permission to stop visiting for a while, I happily grant you that! If there is a staff member or nurse or someone at the care home you feel especially comfortable with, I would encourage you to discuss this with them. It can't hurt and they may be able to offer you some support. Even taking a couple of weeks off visiting may make a difference.
I am glad you are getting her medications reviewed and would encourage you to stick with this. Once my mother's meds were straightened out, it made a huge difference. She was able to eat and sleep regularly again, and that helped as much as reducing the anxiety and delusions. Her meds still need tweaking from time to time, but in the main, she is about 90% improved over where she was at the time of her diagnosis and move to the care home, in terms of her anxiety and distress.
One more thing and then I promise I'll hush. Your mother may not be "in denial" in the classic sense about her past hospitalizations and problems. She may not be able to remember her falls and trips to the ER. The neurologist explained to me that memory is a complex mechanism and that you cannot retrieve a memory, if it wasn't properly coded and/or stored--you can't access information that isn't there. So she may not, neurologically, be able to recall these things.
This is not to say she isn't stubborn, defiant, and/or in denial. That is possible, of course. It can be very hard to tease out what is the person, and what is the dementia, at times.
There is also the issue of anosognosia. Most people with dementia have this and it affects their insight. Basically, they cannot understand or comprehend that there is anything wrong with them. In their minds, they are fine. They don't have dementia, they didn't fall, they don't have a broken wrist, they didn't hurt their leg, and so on. It is a hard thing for a healthy brain to grasp, that a brain with dementia can't understand something. When my mother fell and broke her kneecap last year, I saw the anosognosia come into play. Despite the pain and swelling, and the huge brace on her leg, and being unable to walk, and being in hospital and having surgery and then going to a rehabilitation hospital and all of that, she could not understand that there was anything wrong with her. Her knee was fine. She didn't need that bandage (removed the surgical dressing). Someone had put stitches in her perfectly good knee (she picked at them). She didn't need help to get to the toilet (she got out of bed, climbing over the bed rail, in the process, and fell, hours after her surgery). She didn't need to do any exercises, her knee was fine! It was really mind blowing.
So "denial" as such generally isn't the case with a person with dementia. It isn't usual that they understand the situation but are deliberately refusing to accept it. It's usually a combination of anosognosia and memory impairment, and sometimes confusion. Again, I may be off base about this with your mother, but it is something to consider.
I am sorry I talked so much, especially about myself and my mother's situation, but I did want to give you a sense that no, you are not the only person, who is an only child, with an angry and upset mother who had to move into a care home, who is on the receiving end of undeserved abuse.
Please do try to be kind to yourself. It is very easy for me to say that, and very difficult for you to do. I am sorry for the situation and wish you all the best.
