Mum hates us for putting her in a care home.

[klo]

My mum went into a care home in February, after her partner (who also has dementia left her). She was moved about a month ago to a home closer to my siblings and whilst she seems to be in a slightly better physical state, she is more aware that she is in a care home. And she hates us for putting her there. I visited her earlier this week and her last words were "I hope you feel guilty', she asked me to leave after a few minutes and refused to kiss me goodbye.

I know these are difficult to answer but
Is this a common experience? Will it pass once she has settled a bit?

 

[canary]

Yes, I think this is pretty common. Have you asked the staff what is she like when you are not there? Quite often there is no talk about home and how much they hate it there - it is visits from family and friends that usually triggers it.
Keep reminding yourself of why she went in - I doubt any of that will have changed, and tell yourself that she is fed, warm and looked after.

 

[Emac]

That must have been very upsetting for you - and guilt inducing! I agree with canary that she should settle in time, My Mum has been in care for 6 months and overall she has settled (i.e. is absolutely fine when we are not there according to staff and non family visitors). Leaving her is always tricky though.. Dad has to slip out discretely and today as I was leaving out of the blue she suddenly said I am never going home am I? My family have just left me here I could have wept and yes I felt guilty. However when she was at home with Dad she was no more settled. She was looking foe her mother her brother or some other home n her confusion. Sadly this is all part of the illness. Try not to take the parting words to heart. Also asking the staff how she is when you are not there might help to reassure.

 

[Peepjg]

It gets better

My mum went into a care home in February, after her partner (who also has dementia left her). She was moved about a month ago to a home closer to my siblings and whilst she seems to be in a slightly better physical state, she is more aware that she is in a care home. And she hates us for putting her there. I visited her earlier this week and her last words were "I hope you feel guilty', she asked me to leave after a few minutes and refused to kiss me goodbye.

I know these are difficult to answer but
Is this a common experience? Will it pass once she has settled a bit?

Hi, My mum has been in care since Feb 2016 after my dad was no longer able to cope even with family help, she is not totally aware of where she is but always wants her coat when we leave and turns her head away. We make up any and all excuses form shopping to going to work etc. She is starting to settle and often thinks she is in a hotel on holiday. the pain of leaving her has also got easier knowing she is safe, its hardest for my dad who goes home to a empty house and feels guilty for not being able to look after her any more. I think back at how bad it was at home for them and the guilt is easier to bare because I know that it was the right move to make. Your mum will take it out of the one she loves the most!! Be brave and smile then go and have a good cry.

 

[Caroleca]

klo, mom has been in a care home for almost 3 years now. Unfortunately ...she forget all of us ...who we are ...and that she had children. Dad is 87 and visit everyday for hours on end...it is taking its toll but he feels so guilty and constantly has to be reminded of why she is there in the first place. She still asks him about going home and will not let us decorate or put pictures in her room in the care home because she will be going home. Even if we take her a gift she sends it home with the man that comes to see her ...who her husband sends up, who is a very nice man...but not her husband...poor dad...god bless both of them. Mom still thinks she is in a hospital and has only been there for a week or two...she is no longer angry about us "putting her in there"....it is so difficult. I do know how you feel....it's terrible ...but that is dementia unfortunately

 

[cat64]

That must have been very upsetting for you - and guilt inducing! I agree with canary that she should settle in time, My Mum has been in care for 6 months and overall she has settled (i.e. is absolutely fine when we are not there according to staff and non family visitors). Leaving her is always tricky though.. Dad has to slip out discretely and today as I was leaving out of the blue she suddenly said I am never going home am I? My family have just left me here I could have wept and yes I felt guilty. However when she was at home with Dad she was no more settled. She was looking foe her mother her brother or some other home n her confusion. Sadly this is all part of the illness. Try not to take the parting words to heart. Also asking the staff how she is when you are not there might help to reassure.

My mum has been in her care home for 4 weeks on saturday .....she too said suddenly out of the blue but I'm not going home am I ? The guilt is awful .....but I know she is safe , fed and getting masses of stimulation compared to when she was at home on her own.

I too have to be firm when leaving I treat it like when I used to leave my kids at nursery, a kiss on the cheek and say I have to go to work and see you soon. Then I walk out briskly so I don't get upset.

It is an evil disease and what it does to us all is just horrible.

 

[Wheresmygin]

We have this to come

We are actively seeking a care home for my MiL, so I expect that we shall go through all this. I'm really interested in this thread, therefore, but have no advice to offer.
We haven't actually told her she will be going into "a home" because she regularly says she wants to move to a new house near to her sons. We tell her that her sons are looking for somewhere for her, but don't go into any more detail. Is that the right approach? It seems that if we say she will be going into a home she will fret, so we dodge the bullet.
Wheresmygin

 

[Emac]

My mum has been in her care home for 4 weeks on saturday .....she too said suddenly out of the blue but I'm not going home am I ? The guilt is awful .....but I know she is safe , fed and getting masses of stimulation compared to when she was at home on her own.

I too have to be firm when leaving I treat it like when I used to leave my kids at nursery, a kiss on the cheek and say I have to go to work and see you soon. Then I walk out briskly so I don't get upset.

It is an evil disease and what it does to us all is just horrible.

That is a good comparison Cat! I used to teach 5 year olds and some of them screamed blue murder when their Mums left them. Those same children were playing in the sandpit 5 minutes later. The trick is not to internalize the comments, as there is no alternative, and we did not give our loved ones this terrible disease.

 

[klo]

Yes, I think this is pretty common. Have you asked the staff what is she like when you are not there? Quite often there is no talk about home and how much they hate it there - it is visits from family and friends that usually triggers it.
Keep reminding yourself of why she went in - I doubt any of that will have changed, and tell yourself that she is fed, warm and looked after.

Hi Canary

No I havent asked the care home what she is like, I will give them a ring in the morning and find out.

 

[klo]

We are actively seeking a care home for my MiL, so I expect that we shall go through all this. I'm really interested in this thread, therefore, but have no advice to offer.
We haven't actually told her she will be going into "a home" because she regularly says she wants to move to a new house near to her sons. We tell her that her sons are looking for somewhere for her, but don't go into any more detail. Is that the right approach? It seems that if we say she will be going into a home she will fret, so we dodge the bullet.
Wheresmygin

I'd say dodging the bullet is a good idea. I have read up on what they call 'loving lies' quite a bit and have argued with family members for the past 3 years to use them, to ease mums distress. They have finally come round, sort of, after a lot of unnecessary upset, in my opinion. There is a lot of advice out there, on how to do things gently and in line with the persons nature / needs.

 

[fizzie]

We are actively seeking a care home for my MiL, so I expect that we shall go through all this. I'm really interested in this thread, therefore, but have no advice to offer.
We haven't actually told her she will be going into "a home" because she regularly says she wants to move to a new house near to her sons. We tell her that her sons are looking for somewhere for her, but don't go into any more detail. Is that the right approach? It seems that if we say she will be going into a home she will fret, so we dodge the bullet.
Wheresmygin

I think that's a good idea, it seems much better to tell people at the last minute rather than giving them info which they will just fret about, get very stressed and then everyone will have a big problem. Lots of people have said on previous threads that when the time comes it has worked well to say that they doctor has said this must happen for a while to help him/her regain some strength etc etc - 'love lies' to span the really traumatic time of the move

 

[klo]

klo, mom has been in a care home for almost 3 years now. Unfortunately ...she forget all of us ...who we are ...and that she had children. Dad is 87 and visit everyday for hours on end...it is taking its toll but he feels so guilty and constantly has to be reminded of why she is there in the first place. She still asks him about going home and will not let us decorate or put pictures in her room in the care home because she will be going home. Even if we take her a gift she sends it home with the man that comes to see her ...who her husband sends up, who is a very nice man...but not her husband...poor dad...god bless both of them. Mom still thinks she is in a hospital and has only been there for a week or two...she is no longer angry about us "putting her in there"....it is so difficult. I do know how you feel....it's terrible ...but that is dementia unfortunately

Thanks for the comments Caroleca, that must be so hard for you and your dad...I can cope with the idea of her not knowing with me more than hating me! She had to check I was her daughter a few times back in February and mostly thinks I am my sister anyway... The resentment was hard to take though...

 

[klo]

That must have been very upsetting for you - and guilt inducing! I agree with canary that she should settle in time, My Mum has been in care for 6 months and overall she has settled (i.e. is absolutely fine when we are not there according to staff and non family visitors). Leaving her is always tricky though.. Dad has to slip out discretely and today as I was leaving out of the blue she suddenly said I am never going home am I? My family have just left me here I could have wept and yes I felt guilty. However when she was at home with Dad she was no more settled. She was looking foe her mother her brother or some other home n her confusion. Sadly this is all part of the illness. Try not to take the parting words to heart. Also asking the staff how she is when you are not there might help to reassure.

That's really sad Emac.

 

[Wheresmygin]

Thanks for your responses klo and fizzie - much appreciated and makes me feel much easier
Wheresmygin

 

[care2share]

We are actively seeking a care home for my MiL, so I expect that we shall go through all this. I'm really interested in this thread, therefore, but have no advice to offer.
We haven't actually told her she will be going into "a home" because she regularly says she wants to move to a new house near to her sons. We tell her that her sons are looking for somewhere for her, but don't go into any more detail. Is that the right approach? It seems that if we say she will be going into a home she will fret, so we dodge the bullet.
Wheresmygin

Hi Wheresmygin
Yes, I'm sure you will go through all this. I can honestly say, it makes some of the visits very difficult, especially when it gets a little too loud and all those around you, staff and other visitors become aware that you're having a difficult time. Then, typically, someone shouts from the other side of the room "you'll never get out of ere". You will be taking along anything you can think of to entertain and distract her but nothing will work for long because getting home is all she can think of. Of course, your experience may be totally different and she may settle amazingly well after the initial period. Just be sure it is the best solution because it can be so much easier to place someone in care than it is to get them out especially if you don't have LPA for them and they've lost mental capacity. I wish you luck and hope things go well. Keep posting.

 

[alinorah]

My experience has been that my Mum's not settling at all. 3 months in a very nice care home, and she is angry with me, cries hysterically and visits have become intolerable. I am the only child so the weight is on me. Negative conversation is so draining - she no longer lets me distract her with things - too smart for that - just brings all the negative talk right around again. It is destroying our relationship (which has been a bit difficult historically anyway because she has always been negative). I really don't know what to do any more since the visits are making me feel so terrible. I have my Dad to care for too (he doesn't have dementia but lives 120 miles away - they're divorced). I don't know how far it is reasonable to just accept verbal abuse and whether, even with cognitive impairment, it is still OK to say to her that her behaviour is unacceptable? Because of the dementia (which came in v suddenly after a fall) does this mean we have to put up with this - because they can't help it? She is better behaved with friends who visit, which makes me think she has some level of control.
Reading others' contributions here is very comforting - to know that we are not alone and many of the emotions we feel are normal. Thanks all (only joined recently). Sorry my experience isn't exactly positive for the original poster - I do know many in Mum's home have settled well, hopefully yours will in time. Not sure about mine - too busy shouting at carers calling them 'bloody stupid' and trying to call the police. It really is horrendous :-(

 

[Quilty]

If its any comfort i went through this with my mum when she was still at home. She hated me for "leaving her alone to get on with it". I think its a phase of dementia with anger, fear and recriminations. You can only do what you can to keep her safe. Its very, very hard to live through. Big hug. Quiltyxx

 

[alinorah]

If its any comfort i went through this with my mum when she was still at home. She hated me for "leaving her alone to get on with it". I think its a phase of dementia with anger, fear and recriminations. You can only do what you can to keep her safe. Its very, very hard to live through. Big hug. Quiltyxx

Thank you

 

[Pennyp100]

Its very comforting to read these posts. I have just joined. My Mum has been in her lovely care home for a few weeks and she appears to be suffering terribly when we visit. She hates that we have 'dumped' her. 'What kind of family are we, to leave her here'.... 'everybody is mad'.... 'staff are stealing'......'she is in prison'.
It goes on an on for almost the whole visit. She begs us to take her home but this really would be impossible. We have tried carers at home, and meals to be delivered. We found a warden protected flat a while ago when she could have coped better. We even found a cottage next door to us which we rented for her to come and live close by which was her request. All of these things she refused at the very last minute. She started to struggle at home, not eating, or washing or shopping. Multiple phone calls every day, up to 70 one Saturday afternoon. We thought a care home was the answer and we found a lovely one and took her for a very long visit there. She loved it but now she is there she is in turmoil and we are beside ourselves with guilt. The home say she is very sociable and interacts with everyone and takes part in all activities but Mum denies all of this and just begs to come home. we just don't know what to do. I hate the thought that she thinks we don't care, as its all we do. Sorry to have gone on and on but I feel terrible.

 

[canary]

Hello @Pennyp100 and welcome to DTP

Yes, she is storing it all up for you isnt she? Seeing you has become the trigger for these feelings and Ill bet that she is aware of the effect that her words are having on you. You need to break this loop.

As you know that she is OK when you are not there I would actually advise that you dont visit at all for a couple of weeks.
You can phone the care home to check that all is well, but dont visit. If you are concerned that she will feel abandoned (although people with dementias perception of time is not the same as ours) you could send picture postcards with a simple message saying that you are thinking of her and sending love.

Two weeks will probably be enough to break the cycle.