Mum hates new place....I'm such an awful person!

[Worthitprincess]

Hi there

Just called into mums new home and she was packing and saying I don't like it here, I'm bored and there's loads of people who are ill here I want to go home....she was really low and upset and it's all because of me....

I couldn't bear to stay long as I couldn't cope with how low it made me feel and whether I have done the wrong thing I suppose it's all part of the parcel because she's still doing the hallucinating whilst she's there.....

Am I a bad person? Have I done the wrong thing? I don't know anymore.....


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point mobile app

 

[CarerForMum]

You are not a bad person, and no you have not done the wrong thing.

My mother in one sentence, there's nothing wrong with, how old am I? Or, there's nothing wrong with me, who is your father?

Possibly wherever she goes, you would have the same response, she'll be confused and disorientated at first. She will need time to settle in.

 

[Rosnpton]

This is normal
You need to be firm,walk away and allow a settling period
The home will call you if they have any real concerns.
Mum had packed ready to go home the day after she went to ch last year.we explained couldn't take her home then and put stuff back in room,went for a walk in the garden.
This was repeated many many times. Sometimes she would park herself in reception by the office waiting to escape. She walks so slowly that by time she reached the door it had shut again.
It took at least 3 weeks before this was the daily pattern.
She moved into the dementia unit 4 weeks ago,and she was trying to get out-but back to the old room on residential.
I'm afraid you will have to develop a very strong nerve and agree a coping mechanism with family/staff.etc. Is she told a white lie 'house being decorated / you re unwell and need to get better ' etc or just ignores and distracted.I hope for your sake she does settle.We were encouraged to call in the morning after breakfast to get update from night before and again around 9pm to see how she had been in the day. They assured me we would be phoned if they had any real concerns
Best wishes
Ros

Hi there

Just called into mums new home and she was packing and saying I don't like it here, I'm bored and there's loads of people who are ill here I want to go home....she was really low and upset and it's all because of me....

I couldn't bear to stay long as I couldn't cope with how low it made me feel and whether I have done the wrong thing I suppose it's all part of the parcel because she's still doing the hallucinating whilst she's there.....

Am I a bad person? Have I done the wrong thing? I don't know anymore.....


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point mobile app

 

[Katrine]

She sounds as if she's ill and definitely needs to be looked after 24/7. Don't beat yourself up. This is a very painful time of adjustment for you both. I can't imagine that there are many people who bounce into residential care and tell you that they love every minute of it. It's a strange place, full of strangers. She has to get used to her surroundings and the people who are looking after her. Once she transfers some of her trust to her carers she will start to settle. The carers need to know about the hallucinations so that they can respond appropriately with reassurance.

Other people will tell you that the packing to go home is almost standard behaviour. That and telling you that they hate it and want to go home with you. I'm not saying that they are all happy bunnies when you are not around, but often the sight of a close relative triggers the 'going home' response. It's not calculated; it's just a natural thing for someone to do when a very familiar person arrives - of course they are there to take you home from this unfamiliar and uncomfortable situation.

IMO the most difficult adjustment for our LO is to sharing their living space with other people who have mental and physical disabilities. For many PWD, they may never have encountered dementia in other people. And yet, for the purpose of safe and healthy living, they are now required to go and live with many PWD. It can be frightening, and it can also be boring because their fellow residents may not be able to interact socially in they way that your LO is used to.

It may be no consolation at present, but there comes a time when you see that your LO often interacts better with some of their fellow residents than they do with carers and visitors. I've seen PWD sitting together and enjoying long and animated talks where each is having a separate conversation, often in aphasic mixed up speech. My MIL disliked the other residents at first, and either ignored them or tried to intervene and manage them (former nurse). Subsequently she has had several best pals. Sadly each has died but she adjusts quite quickly to her friend being absent (the dubious advantage of poor memory). She and her current pal believe that they are sisters.

 

[Bod]

Hi there

Just called into mums new home and she was packing and saying I don't like it here, I'm bored and there's loads of people who are ill here I want to go home....she was really low and upset and it's all because of me....

I couldn't bear to stay long as I couldn't cope with how low it made me feel and whether I have done the wrong thing I suppose it's all part of the parcel because she's still doing the hallucinating whilst she's there.....

Am I a bad person? Have I done the wrong thing? I don't know anymore.....


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point mobile app

This is normal!
Her and you!
My advice, having gone through it, is not to visit, for at least the first week to ten days, let her get used to her new surroundings.
If your past that time scale, visit less frequently, maybe at little as once a fortnight.
Ring the staff for updates, but the trick is to not remind her of "home". She'll never accept, just how unsuitable that was.
The staff will have seen it all before, many times.
She's safe, well fed, properly medicated, washed(both clothes and body), entertained. You've done the best for her.

Bod

 

[Worthitprincess]

It's just ruined my day so much seeing her the way she was.....

Will go back later after work if possible.

I just feel so guilty doing this to her and she's only 68. She said I don't want to be reminded that I have Alzheimer's with all these people around. I want all my own things in my own house and my own garden. Why is it this hard? I was looking for someone to speak to but felt helpless....


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

 

[Beate]

It actually upsets me when carers think they are horrible human beings just because a PWD displays behaviour that is typical for someone with dementia. They don't like nor understand a situation so they are basically reacting like a toddler throwing their toys out the pram, because they lack the awareness to see that it is in their best interest.
Yes, it is upsetting to see someone like that but if you know she's in the best possible place, try not to feel guilty. YOU didn't put her in a home, dementia did. Settling will take time. Some people pack their bags every day for months. That does not mean that you have done something awful to them and should change this decision! Cut yourself some slack, visit a little less and wait for the storm to pass.

 

[istherelight?]

It's just ruined my day so much seeing her the way she was.....

Will go back later after work if possible.

I just feel so guilty doing this to her and she's only 68. She said I don't want to be reminded that I have Alzheimer's with all these people around. I want all my own things in my own house and my own garden. Why is it this hard? I was looking for someone to speak to but felt helpless....


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

You have done the best possible thing for your mother. Keep telling yourself that. It's something to hang on to (and it's true).

My mother hated her CH at first, thought everyone was mad (her words), tried to escape with me every time I visited, said "don't leave me here", even sat with her eyes closed and wouldn't talk to anyone.
It was terrible, and ruined my days too. Oh, the guilt!

Over the weeks Mum has become attached to a number of the carers and this has made a big difference. She is also properly medicated - something that was impossible before she went into the CH - is eating well, is clean and tidy and wanders much less. She has also made friends. It's not all sweetness and light but not bad for a PWD.

These things are a comfort to me and I hope that, over time, there will be things that comfort you. The early days and weeks are hard but loving someone with dementia calls for courage, doesn't it? Xx




Sent from my iPad using Talking Point

 

[Worthitprincess]

Couldn't agree with you more.

She had two care visits a day with six hours in between of no one there plus hallucinating which was horrific to see and there was no way she was staying in that house doing the things she was doing.

I can't help but feel like I'm the worst person on earth right now x


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

 

[cragmaid]

I can't help but feel like I'm the worst person on earth right now x

...Okay....you are. The Worst Person in the World. Evil. Cruel. Wicked.

So, feel better? No of course not, because, whatever else you are, you are not, and could never be classed as anything other than a daughter who cares for her Mum.

It normally takes a resident up to about three months to settle, and even then not everyone does. Some people never accept that they need to be in Residential care.

Seriously, I would suggest that you do not visit everyday, unless you are unhappy with the care she is receiving. Each time you go in, you are reminding Mum that something is not right. that you can leave this place. Talk to the carers, ask how she reacts to them and to the other residents. Does she participate in any activities. Is she eating/sleeping okay. Unless you get negative feedback, things are progressing as they should. It is early days, cut yourself some slack and remember that Mum is ill. She would never accuse you of being the Evil Queen if she was aware.....so ease off and be kinder to yourself.x.x.

 

[Moose1966]

Couldn't agree with you more.

She had two care visits a day with six hours in between of no one there plus hallucinating which was horrific to see and there was no way she was staying in that house doing the things she was doing.

I can't help but feel like I'm the worst person on earth right now x


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

Your posts ring true to my own situation, mum is 84 diagnosed in Dec2016 with Alzheimer's , very sudden on set following a fall down her stairs in sept 2016 , prior to that driving, shopping ,cooking ......very alert and able . After short spell in rehab follow in hospital treatment she came home for six weeks in that period we had carers come in four times a day dropping off as she was doing well , she then went down hill and was hallucinating ,paranoid that she had contaminated all of us and that the police were outside this continued and we were advised for her safety to consider CH , she went in Feb 2017 but has not settled , won't mix , doesn't leave her room and won't have any personal items in with her, it's as though she is punishing herself. She even says she must have been a bad person to have got into this mess...... So sad as she is the kindest person you could wish to meet always helping others first and now she's so sad and tells me daily she wants to die. So hard to respond to a comment like that it breaks my heart. Her memory is still amazing which gives me some cause to doubt it is alzheimers but I've been assured that it is a complex disease and can come out differently in people. I tell myself it's not my fault mum got ill and that I am doing the best I can for her, it's never easy but you have to be tough .

 

[Moose1966]

Your posts ring true to my own situation, mum is 84 diagnosed in Dec2016 with Alzheimer's , very sudden on set following a fall down her stairs in sept 2016 , prior to that driving, shopping ,cooking ......very alert and able . After short spell in rehab follow in hospital treatment she came home for six weeks in that period we had carers come in four times a day dropping off as she was doing well , she then went down hill and was hallucinating ,paranoid that she had contaminated all of us and that the police were outside this continued and we were advised for her safety to consider CH , she went in Feb 2017 but has not settled , won't mix , doesn't leave her room and won't have any personal items in with her, it's as though she is punishing herself. She even says she must have been a bad person to have got into this mess...... So sad as she is the kindest person you could wish to meet always helping others first and now she's so sad and tells me daily she wants to die. So hard to respond to a comment like that it breaks my heart. Her memory is still amazing which gives me some cause to doubt it is alzheimers but I've been assured that it is a complex disease and can come out differently in people. I tell myself it's not my fault mum got ill and that I am doing the best I can for her, it's never easy but you have to be tough .

I visit daily but am going to drop off the visits and see if she will transfer her needs more to the CH than to me, not sure if I can do it as the guilt gets to me ........

 

[Worthitprincess]

I think it's because she still so young and around those a lot older than herself so it's possibly scaring her. I suppose I can't help the way I feel because I adore her to the moon and back. I'm trying to take my mind off it by working and keeping occupied by doing other things. And then maybe later I'll take her some pretty flowers to brighten up her room.

All of us know it's not an easy journey as carers and I know lots of tears will be had and lots of negativity will overrule the positive. This disease is so cruel and I would never wish it upon anyone.

On a good day she's really mentally aware but during hallucinating she's not so good. Even this morning she thought I had a miss carriage and I'm not even pregnant but then she said her friend told her. I text her friend and she said she hadn't even spoken to mum.

I know a family home is special to everyone. However she can't stay there forever. My father died at that house which is bad enough but for mum to be convinced others are there who aren't is terrifying and it only takes one voice in her head to say go for a walk and then she would really hurt herself or even fall. The guilt is coming from the fact she's so young I think and not older.

Here's hoping she's had a better afternoon. Over the weekend I'll take her out for a drive somewhere. I have to say though it's so good to be home with my partner and all my animals. I've missed it so much x


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

 

[Moose1966]

I think it's because she still so young and around those a lot older than herself so it's possibly scaring her. I suppose I can't help the way I feel because I adore her to the moon and back. I'm trying to take my mind off it by working and keeping occupied by doing other things. And then maybe later I'll take her some pretty flowers to brighten up her room.

All of us know it's not an easy journey as carers and I know lots of tears will be had and lots of negativity will overrule the positive. This disease is so cruel and I would never wish it upon anyone.

On a good day she's really mentally aware but during hallucinating she's not so good. Even this morning she thought I had a miss carriage and I'm not even pregnant but then she said her friend told her. I text her friend and she said she hadn't even spoken to mum.

I know a family home is special to everyone. However she can't stay there forever. My father died at that house which is bad enough but for mum to be convinced others are there who aren't is terrifying and it only takes one voice in her head to say go for a walk and then she would really hurt herself or even fall. The guilt is coming from the fact she's so young I think and not older.

Here's hoping she's had a better afternoon. Over the weekend I'll take her out for a drive somewhere. I have to say though it's so good to be home with my partner and all my animals. I've missed it so much x


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

I imagine it must be so hard when she is so young, make the most of the time you have with her and that she will go out , mum will not leave her room hasn't been outside since Feb, was always in her garden so I know it's out of character .

 

[Amy in the US]

You didn't do anything to her, or force her to go into residential care. The dementia did.

You are not a bad person. You care about your mother and want her to be safe and well looked after. You are ensuring she is getting the care she needs.

I keep it's hard and I'm sorry. But please try to remember that the enemy here is dementia, not you!

 

[Malalie]

You are DEFINATELY not the worst person on earth - you are the best sort of daughter a Mother could have!

It is very early days yet - I think your Mum needs time to adapt to a completely new place and situation, just as we would.

You must have gone through a lot of soul searching before you arranged for your Mum to go into the care home - it’s not a thing done lightly by anyone, If you were to change your mind now, it would be like taking two steps forward and three steps back. Mum would be in a large, remote crumbling home with you hours away if anything happened. She would not be better in her own home than she was before, and as the months go by, she would likely be getting worse and worse. She may end up falling or locking herself out - she may end up in hospital, or in a psychiatric ward being assessed for weeks, or worse - it’s a bit like waiting for a train crash. You have actually done the hardest part now, and hopefully will find a way forward from here.

My MIL has been in a care home for 9 weeks now, and although she still packs, it is becoming less frequent. She’s not totally happy, but she’s a lot happier than she was when in her own home. Physically, she is transformed with the regular meals and having her fluid intake monitored - she went in there with five leg ulcers, and she now has one small one - she just looks so much better. The unceasing agitation and anguish about keys, curtains, appointments, her ‘situation’ - husband leaving her for another woman (ie; her son leaving her for me - the strumpet that I am!) virtually gone!!

On a visit a couple of weeks ago, we caught sight of MIL before she saw us. She was sitting in the coffee bar with a group of ladies absolutely laughing her head off - I haven’t seen her do that for about 2 years, and it was wonderful to see.

You obviously know your Mum best, but do you think it might make her settle better if you visited her less frequently for the time being? (You also sound like you could do with a break as well…) I am convinced that as soon as MIL sees us, it sets off ‘the going home’ loop - we just distract, or tell her the doctor needs her to stay there to convalesce. Not a good feeling for us, but it saves tears and head wringing and agitation for her.


We still feel terribly guilty - it just goes with the territory - but we know we have done the right thing, and I bet in your heart, you know you have too. I hope things go well for you.

 

[Rosnpton]

I've replied before,and posited about problems with my mum.
Today I took mil to visit.weirdly mil asked to go and visit.they were never close,total opposites,mil 17 yrs younger then mum etc.
Took mil there for coffee time. O no.mum not in lounge. In room feeling ill.
They changed her co codamol to morphine patches on wed.and new antibiotics for uti started Tuesday. Went in with real trepidation expecting the worse.
Little old lady sat propped in her chair with sick bowl on lap.
Looked up-saw mil who she hasn't seen since about sept.2015 due to one or other of them being unwell,then ch etc etc. Didn't see me behind mil.
Started chatting as if mil been out of room a few minutes,seemed to 'pick up' an old conversation around knitting school jumpers (youngest grandkids for mil 17!)
Her face lit up and she seemed full of old vigour.
When she saw me,asked if I'd been sent for as soo Ill/needs to go home straight away/ can't stay- what I normally get form visits.
I said I was taking mil to her daughters house which is near the ch and she had asked to pop in. This was accepted.i was told 'OK,you can go'. I stood outside room in hallway for best part of an hour until tea trolley came when I reappeared.
That hour I observed was the most relaxed and animated I've seen in months.
I know ch give me feedback etc saying she is OK most of the time,but I saw it for myself when she thought I'd gone.
If anything,feeling sick due to meds would have been the perfect time to play up.she didn't.
Take it a day at a time.
Personally I wouldn't take mum out too quickly.she may think you are taking her home. Unless there is somewhere local to ch for a coffee etc so it's is new and can be associated wi you visiting her?
May make it hard to return her to ch otherwise.
Good luck with whatever you decide works for you and your mum
Ros