Mum has turned against me following Dads admission to care home

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Pastywife, Jun 27, 2019.

  1. Pastywife

    Pastywife New member

    May 16, 2018
    I really need help!

    I have supported my parents with Dad’s Alzheimer’s became worse last year. Mum has tried an overdose, climbed out of a first floor window and walked out on Dad several times, ending in my having to call police/social services.

    Mum has refused all external support, letting them know that she is “fine”.

    I spend a few days (I live 80 miles away) every ten days and have taken on finances etc. I’ve tried to confront Mum over the way she looks after Dad, not being consistent with giving meds, shouting at him. I’m not alone with this experience, my husband, son and brother are all aware of this.

    Last week, I got a call from Mum to say she had packed and walked out on Dad. I also received a call from the neighbour (again) to say he was upset and on his own. I obviously called social services and the police. They found Mum but after speaking to Das, decided it was best to take to emergency respite. He had said he “didn’t feel safe at home”

    Long story short; she has totally turned on me, saying it’s my fault that he’s in care. She has visited him at the care home but the manager has now requested a Deprivation of Liberty order because they are concerned she will try and take him out.

    I love my mum and am devastated that she has become so spiteful (lying to family/friends about my actions.

    She has contacted her GP to try and regain control. He’s expressed sympathy for my situation but is duty bound to his patient (despite telling me that she is unpredictable and cannot issue pain med in normal amounts and only allows a week strip at a time)

    I’m at the end of my road - please help!!
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Hello @Pastywife I don`t think you could have done anything differently and your mum will hopefully slowly begin to realise it.

    Your mum was putting your dad at risk.

    Your dad is safe now and once the DoL is in place will stay safe. Forget about malicious gossip. You know you have done the best for your dad and if others believe your mum`s accusations it`s their poor judgement.

    Your conscience is clear. Step back from your mum if you can. Tell her if she is abusive you will put the phone down or walk away.
  3. Louise7

    Louise7 Registered User

    Mar 25, 2016
    This is a difficult situation for you, and reading through your previous posts your Dad became paranoid and aggressive and it seems as though your Mum may have developed mental health problems of her own. This is likely to be contributing to her behaviour towards you, but clearly the decision to place your Dad in respite was made by the police & social services for his own safety.

    Does anyone have power of attorney for your Dad? If not, and he has mental capacity, it would be a good idea if steps were taken to put both financial and health & welfare power of attorney in place. It's good that a Dols is going to be put into place to safeguard your Dad, and although your Mum may be attempting to 'gain control' via her GP the Dols will prevent this and keep your Dad safe. Have social services been in touch with you to discuss the situation? If not I suggest that you contact them to explain the background. I imagine that they will be contacting your Mum to let her know what is happening (if they haven't already) but depending on her mental health she may or may not accept that it was the authorities who placed your Dad in the home, not you. I agree with Grannie G - try to step back and ignore what your Mum is saying to others. The important thing is that your Dad is safe now.
  4. Jessbow

    Jessbow Registered User

    Give her some space- she will be kind of grieving- for the husband that she can no longer care for, abeit however ham fisted she was about it.

    It will take her time to come to terms with the new situation, and the road will be very rocky until them- take a step back until she has settled a bit. Her purpose in life has gone- however badly she cared for him, there is a huge space where he used to be which she has to get used to.

    I hope the home do involve her somehow, she is still his wife and should have some say in his care etc.
  5. Pastywife

    Pastywife New member

    May 16, 2018
    Dear All

    thanks for your support. An update though - Mum continued to be very aggressive and has been very up and down with the Care Home Staff.
    She visits Dad and tells him that we have had a row and she "no longer has a daughter"! She has befriended a girl that used to work for her: a drug addict with a methadone prescription (we are not a family that have ever been involved with drugs!) I have safeguarded several times but getting no where!

    I have taken over the finances for both parents (LPA) and now Mum is telling anyone that will listen, that I am in total control and only letting her live on £40 per week..... complete untruth. I have isolated Dad's pensions and limited their joint account to £300 withdrawal per week.... Mum also has a very healthy savings account with instant access should she need it. She has told me brother that she will need to sell the house and rent a bedsit.

    She has also told my Son (previously her "favourite") to never contact him again - all he had done was tell her that he was very unhappy with the way she spoke in front of his Pappy and letting a drug addict into their home.

    I'm applying for Welfare Deputyship for dad but that can take months and I'm worried that he'll go home when she, quite clearly (and understandably) can't cope. I'm also worried that she will harm herself (several attempts over the last year)

    Bottom line is that she has never been able to deal with anyone who confronts her over behaviour/decisions and has always been extreme with reactions, but this is a whole new level.

    I am getting to the end of my rope: I love both parents, Dad takes priority at the moment as we are all trying to keep him happy and calm . Emergency Safeguard took a week to "pick up" Mum's case so no=one seems to be piecing all the evidence of self harm together and do comprehensive mental health assessment on her. She can appear to be capable but does irrational things when confronted. Care home manager has advised that this is Fluctuating Mental Health Capacity but nobody else seems to be picking this up!!

    Sorry for the long rant but I don't know what else to do!!
  6. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    I think that you aught to be proud of what you have managed to achieve under such difficult circumstances.
    You have managed to keep your dad safe and well looked after
    You have taken control of finances to protect them financially
    You are applying for deputyship for your dad
    You have reported your mum to safeguarding

    I think all of this is amazing when you are also fighting unjust accusations and it must feel like everything is spiralling out of control.

    I really dont think that anyone will allow your dad to go home. You mentioned a Deprivation of Liberty Order. Can I just check that you did mean this, rather than a Deprivation of Liberty Safeguarding (DoLs) assessment? All residents of secure care homes have to have a DoLs - it is a routine assessment. A Deprivation of Liberty Order, though, is something that is awarded by a court to say that they have to stay at the care home. If your dad has a Deprivation of Liberty Order, he cant just go home - whatever your mum says.

    If you are concerned that no-one is seeing the bigger picture, you might want to write you mums GP a letter. In it you can tell him/her about everything and explain all your concerns. The GP wont be able to talk to you about this (patient confidentiality), but will then know about everything and the letter will be filed in your mums records.
  7. Pastywife

    Pastywife New member

    May 16, 2018

    Thanks for your response, I'm struggling to hold it all together to be honest. Not helped by social services believing this is a personality problem with her and not mental capacity. More difficult to deal with.
    I've kept the GP up to speed with her outbursts and irrational behaviours.
    Thank you for the supportive comments, not sure what I'd do if he went home... I know she won't cope beyond a week (even if she got live in carer as she wouldn't have total control in her own home)
    thanks again

  8. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    It all sounds a nightmare, but you are in fact managing, even if it doesnt feel like it.
    If he does go home again (and Im not convinced that he will), what you do is stand back and then bat it back to the SW again when it all falls apart. They wont allow her to keep on doing this.

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