Ok, I thought the day was going ok, sort of got a handle on the poo thing (if you know what I mean). Anyway, a few minutes ago mum decides she is putting her shoes on, I think nothing of it then I ask where is she going, to which she answers 'home'. Stupidly I said ok, and shut the door on your way out (I went to the bathroom) thinking she would sort of figure out that she was home, I come down and find her with her shoes on and doing her wordsearches, I said to her that I thought she was going, she says that she was. I decide to ask where home is, she points out the window, I tell her there are trees out the front in the garden then a road and more houses which was hers, she points to the trees, I said that's a tree, she said yes thats her house. I told mum that she has said a couple of times she was going home, or she was going home to her mum or that there were other people in the house, I said that we were the only 2 in the house, her mum had been dead for quite a while now and this is home, so now alarm bells are ringing as I can just see the SW getting wind of mum trying to leave, it will be back to the 'your mum needs to be in a home'. I think i'm going to have to watch mum even closer, or maybe this is just a little blip in the greater scheme of things, I hope?
Mum has me worried.
- Thread starter Carabosse
- Start date
Going home...
If you had ignored what she'd said, do you think she would have forgotten all about going home, at least for the time being? My husband sometimes forgets what he's planned to do, at least for the time being, though he often returns to it later on...
If you had ignored what she'd said, do you think she would have forgotten all about going home, at least for the time being? My husband sometimes forgets what he's planned to do, at least for the time being, though he often returns to it later on...
Hi there- I'm going to be a bit blunt here and ask why you keep talking to your mum about her wanting to go home and then telling here that she keeps telling you that she's going to do it. It would appear from what you've said, that she mentioned it just the once, put her shoes on and then promptly forgot all about it as she was doing her word search.
If she is forgetting about doing it, I honestly wouldn't mention it again.
If she is forgetting about doing it, I honestly wouldn't mention it again.
Have you read this thread Carabosse?
http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired
http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired
Over the festive period I had a terrible time with mum talking into her shoes (thinking they were a phone) wanting to get out of the door to go home with me blocking her way out, I mean she couldn't go out in the frost/ snow, the on call SW wasn't helpful.
I don't keep telling her, I said when she had made her mind up she was going I told her she had mentioned it a couple of times before, I know I should just ignore her wanting to go home or go home to her mum, or maybe I should change the subject, I have tried trust me I have, but when she argues the fact she can do what she wants and go where she wants I just told her what I did, i.e. she's home, etc, etc....
I can't risk something like that happening again.
I don't keep telling her, I said when she had made her mind up she was going I told her she had mentioned it a couple of times before, I know I should just ignore her wanting to go home or go home to her mum, or maybe I should change the subject, I have tried trust me I have, but when she argues the fact she can do what she wants and go where she wants I just told her what I did, i.e. she's home, etc, etc....
I can't risk something like that happening again.
I have to agree that I try not to continue any conversation about going home. This was mostly with my mum who lived with us and wanted to go home on a daily basis. Bill has only done it a couple of times and I've managed to divert him. I don't think I would question him about 'home'.
You weren't, its just as I said I can't risk another incident like we had over the festive period as the SW really went to town with 'your mum needs to be in a home', so i'm worried if mum gets out she will be taken and placed in a home which she (or I) want. So maybe I didn't handle this incident very well, just not sure how else to do this as like everyone i'm figuring things out with this dreadful condition as I go along!
Those times when you just can't change the subject are the hardest to deal with, aren't they? I do feel for you Carabosse, and am trying to think what I'd do in your place. Might you try asking her to stay just for a bit longer, as you have something you really need her help with? Not sure just what that could be... My husband's always keen to help get ready for visitors, so he would probably help me make beds,or prepare a meal or something.
No, because then he'd start looking for the visitors!::silly me. But there must be something! Make marmalade? Write Christmas cards? Sort out old magazines? Bag up old clothes for a charity shop?
No, because then he'd start looking for the visitors!::silly me. But there must be something! Make marmalade? Write Christmas cards? Sort out old magazines? Bag up old clothes for a charity shop?
My Dad gets a bee in his bonnet & it's hard to let it go, change the subject or ignore him as he can be really in my face. He threatens a lot to go out alone & he'd be lost the instant he steps outside. Prior to going in respite, he was shouting for days about some woman who worked at the hospital up the road who'd said she'd look after him so he didn't need to go to a CH - both the hosp & her don't exist. But I had to physically restrain him which made his temper worse. I honestly don't know myself how to deal with it. At the moment he's telling hospital staff he's going to look for Jane when he gets home as she looks after him - who on earth is she????
It seems to me wherever they are, they want to go home - but they don't often know where that is. Looking forward myself to the answer.
It seems to me wherever they are, they want to go home - but they don't often know where that is. Looking forward myself to the answer.
I don't think anyone can insist your mum goes into a home, unless she is sectioned under the mental health act. Everyone wants to keep people out of homes for as long as possible.
While there is someone to look after her in her own home, and safely, nobody will bat an eyelid.
Love
Margaret
While there is someone to look after her in her own home, and safely, nobody will bat an eyelid.
Love
Margaret
Hi Carabosse,
Unfortunately I suspect this is more the beginning of a phase than a blib.
Some of the things i found helpful with Sharon were:
Go along with it, when she wanted to go home I would say "Can I come with you?", we would head out, walk around the house and come back in.
Or deflect, "OK, but let's fold these towels first"
Ignore it, if she wasn't being persistent I wouldn't respond and she would quickly drop it.
When she was insistent, and if it was safe, I would let her go and either follow closely or keep an eye on her from somewhere where I could reach her before trouble could.
Hope you are able to find a solution that works for you and her.
Unfortunately I suspect this is more the beginning of a phase than a blib.
Some of the things i found helpful with Sharon were:
Go along with it, when she wanted to go home I would say "Can I come with you?", we would head out, walk around the house and come back in.
Or deflect, "OK, but let's fold these towels first"
Ignore it, if she wasn't being persistent I wouldn't respond and she would quickly drop it.
When she was insistent, and if it was safe, I would let her go and either follow closely or keep an eye on her from somewhere where I could reach her before trouble could.
Hope you are able to find a solution that works for you and her.
I am hoping its not a new phase of the condition as its just once in a blue moon that this happens, I don't know if its something she has seen on TV and feels the need to go, or if she was thinking about something and then thinks she needs to go?
I knew mum couldn't be put into a home, but with a SW like mums it makes you wonder, but i'm here stressed as usual to look after her.
Mum's CPN is coming in a few days so i'll run it past her and see what she says.
I knew mum couldn't be put into a home, but with a SW like mums it makes you wonder, but i'm here stressed as usual to look after her.
Mum's CPN is coming in a few days so i'll run it past her and see what she says.
Hi Carabosse
I'm sorry you are finding this so stressful
It's a problem isn't it knowing what to say do?
If your Mum gets to the stage of putting on her coat/shoes could you tell her that something needs doing in the garden and as she's all dressed for outside 'let's do that first'?
I did that with Pete and it sometimes worked.
It probably is a phase. However I can understand how worrying/frustrating it must be for you.I did find that any distraction was the first option other times doors/windows were locked and a careful eye kept on him as he was prone to 'tantrums' (sorry not the right word-but that's what they seemed like)
Pete has now passed that phase. Also the one where he kept asking for his Dad.(dead 25 years or so).He used to get so upset that Dad wasn't picking him up from Day Centre.I didn't tell him his Dad was dead as I think he would have had moments of despair (even if only for a moment). I just told him the weather was bad and Dad couldn't make it/roads were closed and he had phoned to say he was going to see him another day etc etc.
Best of luck.
Love from Lyn T
I'm sorry you are finding this so stressful
It's a problem isn't it knowing what to say do?
If your Mum gets to the stage of putting on her coat/shoes could you tell her that something needs doing in the garden and as she's all dressed for outside 'let's do that first'?
I did that with Pete and it sometimes worked.
It probably is a phase. However I can understand how worrying/frustrating it must be for you.I did find that any distraction was the first option other times doors/windows were locked and a careful eye kept on him as he was prone to 'tantrums' (sorry not the right word-but that's what they seemed like)
Pete has now passed that phase. Also the one where he kept asking for his Dad.(dead 25 years or so).He used to get so upset that Dad wasn't picking him up from Day Centre.I didn't tell him his Dad was dead as I think he would have had moments of despair (even if only for a moment). I just told him the weather was bad and Dad couldn't make it/roads were closed and he had phoned to say he was going to see him another day etc etc.
Best of luck.
Love from Lyn T
Yes, its difficult to know what to say or do without making the situation worse.
I wonder if mum wanting to go home and thinking there are other people in the house has anything to do with her going to daycare, she goes 3 times a week, obviously there are others there as its held in a local CH. The times she wants to go she would look at the clock and say its time to go, could she be thinking she is getting picked up? This morning when she got picked up she thanked me very much for looking after her, the driver told her that she would be back later in the afternoon.
I wonder if mum wanting to go home and thinking there are other people in the house has anything to do with her going to daycare, she goes 3 times a week, obviously there are others there as its held in a local CH. The times she wants to go she would look at the clock and say its time to go, could she be thinking she is getting picked up? This morning when she got picked up she thanked me very much for looking after her, the driver told her that she would be back later in the afternoon.
So much for my own suggestions about deflecting our Alzheimer's sufferer when they have their minds set on something, such as the distressing one of Going Home. My story today is less serious,and I brought it on myself! I made the stupid mistake of saying I wanted to turn the our heavy mattress. Completely forgot that Husband would probably insist on doing it straight away! It's one of those very heavy ones, only needs turning twice a year, with the seasons. Last autumn we tried to turn it together, Husband let go, mattress fell on me knocking me across the room, hurt my bad back again, which makes everything so difficult.
I don't want either of us to risk further back injuries, so would rather wait until someone able bodied is here and ask them to help. But will Husband let it alone? "Of course I can do it! Why do you treat me like a moron?" "Tell me why we can't do it together". "I'm going to do it now". It's been going on all the morning, and he keeps coming back to it. And I'm kicking myself for not seeing it coming!
THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS TO THINK BEFORE I SPEAK!
I don't want either of us to risk further back injuries, so would rather wait until someone able bodied is here and ask them to help. But will Husband let it alone? "Of course I can do it! Why do you treat me like a moron?" "Tell me why we can't do it together". "I'm going to do it now". It's been going on all the morning, and he keeps coming back to it. And I'm kicking myself for not seeing it coming!
THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS TO THINK BEFORE I SPEAK!
Oh dear Rageddy Anne!
There is only one way to stop him from moving the mattress. You get a book that you haven't read, a big bar of chocolate, mug of tea, some music and headphones and you go lie on the mattress. I hope at least you can have a relaxing afternoon off for a change and that by tomorrow the whole thing will be forgotten.
Fiona
There is only one way to stop him from moving the mattress. You get a book that you haven't read, a big bar of chocolate, mug of tea, some music and headphones and you go lie on the mattress. I hope at least you can have a relaxing afternoon off for a change and that by tomorrow the whole thing will be forgotten.
Fiona
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