Mum has gone into a care home

[amnmont]

Hi, I don't post on here much - bit of a lurker. Mum went into a care home yesterday - to start with for two weeks respite but we all believe that she will stay there. It happened rather quickly. My dad hasn't been able to cope as well as he would like for a while now - mum's been getting aggressive, uncooperative at bath times etc - as well as him having to work. It's been a strain on us all. Then last week they said they had a space for her and she went in yesterday. It broke our hearts.

I'm really worried about my dad. They've been together over 40 years and he was truly heartbroken. He was saying that he has nothing left and there is no point to anything etc. I'm worried he's either going to top himself or just decline. Is this a normal response - as in a normal 'grieving' process?

It didn't seem right for my mum to be in the care home - she's only 60 so too young to be there. The other residents were elderly and asleep in their chairs. My mum doesn't fit in.

 

[sunray]

too young for respite?

My husband Ray had major strokes in 1999, he showed signs of dementia after his last stroke in 2005. He is moderate dementia now, some incontinence, swallowing difficulties so on thickened fluids. He is not able to cope with the activities of daily living on his own and now looks much older than his years. In fact I would say acts more as if he is in his eighties than in his sixties.

I have been putting him into respite twice a year for a two week period each time since then. I know if I don't I will have to give up looking after him as I will burn myself out. I just do two weeks each time as it takes some adjustments when he comes home as the staff are wonderful to him but wait on him too much and he gets used to that. The staff here (ME!) are not nearly as attentive.

You are right, she is too young to go into respite under other circumstances but if your Dad needs a break it is the right time. I know the other residents are much older but we don't have care homes just for younger people yet and if they were twenty years younger would that seem okay anyway?

I find to settle Ray in I take some of the things he is familiar with for him and tell him it is a little holiday for both of us. The staff are kind and look out for him and he has very nice meals, his medications comes to him, he has regular showers etc. It is a necessary break from our usual routine and we both benefit from it.

If it is to be permanent that is diferent because the environemnt of the home needs to suit the person and you'd need to investigate that further as I am sure I would want my children to if it were me. I am 61 so basically the same age as your mother.

 

[Trying my best]

I just wantbto say that I completely understand where you're coming from. My mum is only 67 and just doens't 'fit in' anywhere we have taken her, as there's almost a whole generation between her and all of the other residents. This includes day care services as well as respite/homes.

However, she recently started attending a one day a week day hospital though and although everyone there is much older than her as well, she doesnt seem to mind it as much. Maybe it's just a case of her finding one or two people she can bond with for whatever reason - maybe something as similar as introducing her to someone who had similar passtimes in their youth, or who has an accent that she associates with positive memories.

Guilt is such a hard part of all this... but we must remember that none of us can cope alone.

 

[DianeB]

Your Dads reactions are a mirror copy of my own Dads. He even now often says life is not worth living without Mum. At one stage I did worry he would do something out of sheer desperation, but I have tried to support him as muh as I can. Mum has been in the home now since the beginning of September and Dad is now starting to accept the fact he knows he can't care for Mum 24/7. Every time he goes and has to say goodbye it breaks his heart. I think it is also preparing Dad for when Mum is not here, he is adjusting to living on his own now and being able to do things that he has not been able to do for a few years because of Mums condition. The biggest will and heart in the world at some point has to say I can't do this alone, not only is it impossible but for your Dads health its not good either.
I think the best thing is to see how Mum copes with being in respite and see if this helps Dad to cope any better upon her return. It may be obvious that he has to come to terms that he can't cope, or he may find that re charging his batteires is just what he needed also. Take it a day at a time and then when Mum has finished her respite revalue the situation then.

 

[Brucie]

They've been together over 40 years and he was truly heartbroken. He was saying that he has nothing left and there is no point to anything etc. I'm worried he's either going to top himself or just decline. Is this a normal response - as in a normal 'grieving' process?

From my personal experience - yes, quite normal.

There is a need for him to re-focus.

That sounds horribly impersonal, but it was true for me, at least. I found that in re-focussing on my Jan's needs, not my own sense of profound loss and feelings of uselessness and guilt, I could get through the worst part of that period. I have to say it doesn't get any better [seven years for us now since Jan went into her care home], but it becomes more manageable.

Caring 24 hours every day is exhausting and he may appreciate that he can give of himself better to Mum when not doing that. Concentrate on the visits; visit often if that is possible and practical. There's a bit of theatre about it all - all parties need to act as if in a sort of play, because it is not a normal life that replaces what has gone before.

The better he adjusts to her being there, the better the chance that she will too.

Most likely there will be grim times, but there may also be times that are less so.

The key thing to consider is whether the placement is better for Mum's care. If it genuinely is, then it takes a few grams off the scales in the guilt area.

 

[Helen33]

Is this a normal response - as in a normal 'grieving' process?

Yes I think it is perfectly normal because of the huge sense of loss. He will need lots of love and reassurance and time to cope with the changes. Part of the change will be readjusting to the fact that his wife is still there albeit not living with him and hopefully when he sees that her care needs are catered for he will be able to concentrate on just having better quality time with her.
Love and best wishes

 

[Gemini2]

Is this a normal response

Yes it is. My husband went into a care home for two weeks' respite in October. I felt so guilty as this was the first time that we had been apart in 39 years. However, the home assured me that he would be well looked after and in fact he settled in quite well despite most of the other residents being much older. Since then we have managed to negotiate a care package whereby he goes for one week's respite every couple of months. It is essential for the carer to have breaks in order to recharge batteries and continue to cope. I have discussed this with my husband and in a lucid moment he agrees with me. Unfortunately his memory retention is so short that of course we will have tantrums again in January when I take him to the care home but now I know that he will be OK, and that staff told me have told them every day what a wonderful person I am! Not all bad then!

 

[amnmont]

Thank you for your replies

I personally don't think mum will come out of respite and this will turn into a permanent placement. My dad hasn't had any external help - it's all been him and me and my sisters and my dad has become so completely exhausted - sometimes only having two or three hours sleep over two days.

The home she is in is opposite my parents house so he can pop over as much as he likes. He does see that she is being cared for well - she's clean and tidy and is happy. She's even got a friend there already!!

He went in today and had a good visit. I went in and it started off fine and i felt ok with her being there and then mum started to get upset - something triggers it. And she was crying which set me off and i ended up sobbing on a member of staff's shoulder!

Thank you for saying that dad's response is normal - he doesn't have many friends outside of work - they have over the years disappeared as mum's deteriorated so i was worried that he would slowly go into himself and shut himself away. He has five grandkids so hopefully they won't let him!!

 

[Lynne]

My dad hasn't had any external help
- it's all been him and me and my sisters and my dad has become so completely exhausted - sometimes only having two or three hours sleep over two days.

Ann, I think this is a HUGELY significant statement, not just in relation to your own circumstances but in a wider sense for many other people caring for loved ones*.

I think that in many, many cases it would PROLONG the time a dementia sufferer could stay at home if 'external help' was accessed earlier rather than later (assuming it's available locally) as a 'day-off' when (in my case) Mum was at a daycare group just gave me those precious few hours to myself when the pressure was off.
Also it can be easier to get visitors to the house accepted in earlier stages, while social manners are still as normal.

Sorry to go off at a tangent from your original subject line, Ann, but I think you made an important point there, even if unintentionally!

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*loved ones*
I know not every one is comfortable with this cliche phrase, but it's at least better than the current official version "Cared for"; anyone found a happy medium