Mum has died - thank you for your suppport

minet48

Registered User
May 23, 2014
46
Our dear Mum has died. I'm grateful that the end was peaceful for her. I still can't really believe it and am struggling to reconcile the person she became (with some very brief flashes of the old pre Alzheimer's Mum which got less and less over the years) with the person she once was. I can hardly remember the "real" Mum if I can put it like that. I hope I will be able to. Mainly I feel numb disbelief. Despite the sometimes really bad times during her dementia years, there were some better happier moments too, but to be honest (and I feel horribly guilty and disloyal for saying it) these were spent with a different person so it feels like I have already been mourning "real Mum" for years and am now mourning another person, a sort of stranger who I also loved. Now I miss that other person, although I wouldn't wish the suffering to go on for her. I would like to say a heartfelt thank you to everyone who replied to my few posts over the years. I didn't post a lot because for some reason I just couldn't but it meant a lot to me that Talking Point was there. Thank Heaven for this forum of people who understand the journey (how could anyone else really?) although all our journeys are different. I have had a lot of messages of sympathy from kind and well meaning people who don't know what it is like when a loved one with dementia dies and they often go along the lines of "really sorry for your loss even though/but she had been ill a long time"!
 

Marcelle123

Registered User
Nov 9, 2015
4,546
Yorkshire
So sorry for your loss. I lost my own mother 18 months ago, and I do so agree with all the points you make so clearly about the effect of this illness on personality, and your own response.

May your mother rest in peace. Thinking of you, and wishing you every chance of solace that you can find. Look after yourself. You tried your best, and loved your mother even when she seemed to be a different person.

Love, Marcelle xx
 

minet48

Registered User
May 23, 2014
46
So sorry for your loss. I lost my own mother 18 months ago, and I do so agree with all the points you make so clearly about the effect of this illness on personality, and your own response.

May your mother rest in peace. Thinking of you, and wishing you every chance of solace that you can find. Look after yourself. You tried your best, and loved your mother even when she seemed to be a different person.

Love, Marcelle xx
Thanks so much Marcelle. That's very kind. And I'm very sorry for your loss too. Reading some of the posts I feel like I'm at the beginning of another journey. It's a comfort to have some companions on the way.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
8,501
Yorkshire
sad news @minet48
your mum has found peace

I too understand the turmoil of enotions and thoughts you describe, having lost dad in January ... I'm finding that gradually remembrances of other times pop into my head and bring a smile ... it's as though slowly dad's final years are being put into the perspective of his whole life and I can cherish the good memories from all the stages of his, mum's and my life together

I'm glad DTP has been and is a support to you ... we're here for each other, whether folk wish to post or simply read

be kind to yourself
 

AliceA

Registered User
May 27, 2016
2,644
I think you have explained it so well. The grief is spread over so many years and it is as if we grieve for the loss of the vibrant person and at the same time for the person who needs our loving compassion. When I remember my own people it is now as they were not as they became at the end.
I empathise with you.
 

Woohoo

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
693
South East
I am sorry to hear about your mum too , you explained it so eloquently and is how so many of us feel . Take care of yourself. X

Edited for spelling mistake .
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
3,811
Nottinghamshire
I'm sorry for your loss @minet48

I lost my dad just before Christmas and it was a long grieving before death. I know just what you mean as my dad wasn't my dad as he used to be. Better memories are starting to surface now but I also felt numb for a long time after he died.
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
493
Hi @minet48, firstly my condolences on the loss of your Mum. I know how you feel, I can say nearly 8 months on from Mum's passing the 'old' Mum is more prominent in my memories. At the time of her passing I was numb, hollow and shell-shocked - I couldn't shed tear, although plenty of tears had flowed in the sometimes torrid and heartbreaking events of the preceding years. Dementia is often referred to as the 'long goodbye' as you experience a form of bereavement as the person you have known and loved changes before your eyes and they experience indignities that their 'old self' would be absolutely appalled by. Bereavement after dementia can be very confusing and difficult to deal with. I eventually went for counselling (which I could never have envisaged doing) and found it helped, although as I have said before it wasn't the panacea and without being cliched time is the healer. I wish you all the best, take care of yourself.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
70,391
Kent
I too know how you feel @minet48 and send sincere condolences.

We think we are grieving throughout the progression of dementia but it isn`t until the dementia wins we realise just what loss is.
 

LadyA

Registered User
Oct 19, 2009
13,562
Ireland
I'm so sorry for your loss. It doesn't matter that the person was so ill or for how long they were ill. We can know and understand that, for our loved ones, it's a relief to have them out of their suffering. But that will never minimise our own sense of loss and grief. My condolences to you.
 

minet48

Registered User
May 23, 2014
46
Thank you all so much for your replies and my sympathy for the loss of your loved ones who you are grieving for. It's a big comfort that everything you've each written rings true and makes sense of what can feel like a senseless situation. It will really help when I can start remembering mum before the dementia. From what you say I have hope that I will be able to remember her when the shock begins to wear off. I was so touched by your kind replies that I even feel I can have a cry now which I couldn't before so that is a good step forward on the road.